Thanks for answering my question, Scott.

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

I absolutely hate this. I read something like this and I'm reminded that I'm reading a SCREENPLAY, instead of a story. I would simply suggest the following--

John rips open the envelope and pull out a birthday card. "ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY. IT'S YOUR LAST"-- the words, scrawled in burgundy lipstick.

John reacts with alarm, inspects the envelope.

-- Keep the reader in the story. Keep their eyes moving forward along the action, instead of having to navigate shot details. Parenthetically, let the director direct; allow the filmmaker to decide whether the cutaway to the card is an insert, angle, etc... (sorry, somehow deleted my 1st post)

Keep it clean and simple, it seems to make the story breathe and move much better.

@kyle: Your approach is certainly more readable. However the one argument I think could be made for spotlighting what's on the card with a secondary slug is to highlight its (presumed) importance to the reader. This wouldn't be an issue if readers actually like, you know, read scene description. But I've talked with enough professional readers to know that oftentimes they skim SD.

But I couldn't agree more with your bigger point and I've said much the same thing elsewhere: I read something like this and I'm reminded that I'm reading a SCREENPLAY, instead of a story. Yes, we want the reader to be sucked into our STORY, and every time we remind them they're reading a script, we run the risk of jarring them out of the story.

So in sum, if the information in the script isn't hugely important, I'd be totally fine with the approach you illustrated. But if the information is critical to the plot - and for the reader to 'get' - I would consider highlighting it with a secondary slug.

Of course, you could argue that capping the message on the note is highlighting enough...

yeah, scott, certainly a matter of taste... if something NEEDS to be highlighted, then go for a baby slug - but in my experience, writers tend to overuse such devices and it begins to appear on more and more pages so every scene we follow the camera....

ON JACK... bla blah action

ON JILL.. action

ON THE PAIL OF WATER... rolling down the hill

just be aware not to overuse the technical stuff. story trumps all.

What if it’s an insert of an image seen earlier in the film?

I have a dialogue scene and one of the characters has the distinct image of these photographs he'd viewed in a previous scene.

The way I currently have it is this...


He gets up, walks around, trying to out-spin the room.

JAKE
It doesn’t make sense.

She rises and goes to him.

NATALIE
Jake, what is going on?

He turns and looks at her--

INSERT: Jake in the conference room, looking at the mysterious photographs of Natalie.

--and he pulls back, moves away from her.

@Erin: By "distinct image of these photographs," do you mean that we are seeing (on screen) what Jake is 'seeing' in his mind's eye? That is not the actual photograph, but his memory / recollection of it?

@Scott

It's basically inserting a shot previously seen of Jake looking at the pictures (the content of the photos aren't revealed just yet)

@Erin: So it's essentially a flashback which you could do:

FLASHBACK - JAKE LOOKING AT PHOTO

[SD - mimicking your scene description from the previous scene]

JAKE

[SD - of Jake's reaction to the memory]

A good point of reference is The Sixth Sense, P. 110-111, where Malcolm flashes back to the shooting only to come back to the present as he realizes he's dead.