SCENE #11 INT. OFFICE - DAY RHONDA (40s), tightly knit business-type, sits behind her desk with a phone to her ear. She's listening, but certainly doesn't look like she's liking what she hears. In comes SAMUEL (20s), intern, dressed the part but still doesn't look it. He tries to wave Rhonda down. The dreaded "hold on a moment" index finger. RHONDA Yes, sir, I understand, we're expecting him any minute now. I'll see to it he's not kept waiting. Samuel tries frantically to get Rhonda's attention without intruding. She glares at him. RHONDA You don't have to explain to me how important this is, sir, you can count on me to represent us admirably. Samuel shifts back and forth on his feet. Looking at the door, then back to Rhonda. She waves him away and swivels towards the window. Her head leans against the glass as she responds through gritted teeth. RHONDA Your point is crystal clear, sir, this will be nothing like what happened in Munich. She looks up to see Samuel's frightened reflection in the window. Swivels towards him, enraged. But she has to suppress it for the moment. RHONDA Sir, please, if I may... Samuel leans in and she swats him away like a fly. ON RHONDA Her expression morphing into distress. RHONDA Sir... Sir... Yes sir... Samuel's face leaning in. He is of course uncomfortable with the closeness. If looks could kill... RHONDA Understood, sir. I will wait here all day and night if I have to. His visit will go off without a hitch. Thank you. She waits a moment for him to hang up. Then she slams the phone on the receiver and swipes it and the rest of the contents of her desktop across the room. Then she turns to the terrified Samuel. Her tone doesn't quite match the many emotions bubbling inside her. RHONDA What... is so important... That you had to interrupt this-- She punctuates her words by waving her hand in front of Samuel, thumb and index finger pressed together. RHONDA --THIS phone call? A beat as Samuel finds his voice. Almost a whisper. SAMUEL He's here. Rhonda's face drains of blood. RHONDA Then why didn't you SAY SO!?

FEEDBACK #10 Nicholas, this was a good scene that flowed and read well I think. There's a good amount of detail so the reader can visualize the scene. Good job. The only thing I can possibly suggest (and that's the point here) is this line, "In comes SAMUEL (20s), intern, dressed the part but still doesn’t look it." I was just a bit confused by how he's dressed the part but doesn't look it. Is it his facial expression that says this? Still, good job on the scene.

INT. UNIVERSITY OF ALASKA - MOOT COURT - DAY A "JURY" OF 12 is empaneled in a faux-mahogany jury box. Their eyes are glazed over and heads are throbbing. This particular jury pool is unusually young--all are under 40. At the center of the room in a big leather chair sits a very bored judge by the name of PETER KNOWLES (60). The witness box is empty. At the prosecutor's table sits a young woman, VERONICA "Ronnie" PORTER (28). We don't yet know we're in a pretend courtroom, albeit in a real law school. We also don't know that BRYAN GOODALL (34) isn't a real lawyer -- at least, not now. He's a 3-L, a third year law student, who expects to graduate in the spring. It is in this moot court at Alaska's prestigious law school that Bryan starts a closing argument for an ersatz criminal defendant sitting next to him, whose real name is SIDNEY "Sid" MORSE (30). Sid is also a 3-L. Bryan rises from his seat, goes to the podium, and faces the jury. His classmates. Bryan's stature is dominating. His presentation is confident. BRYAN: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury -- He nods slightly to them. BRYAN (CONT'D): And may it please the Court. He looks to the judge, the Oral Advocacy professor, who stares vacantly back at him. BRYAN (CONT'D): The State would have you believe something very extraordinary took place on the 5th of May last year. Ronnie rises from her seat at the prosecutor's table. RONNIE: Objection! JUDGE/KNOWLES: Objection? Whatever for? RONNIE: Your Honor, defense counsel is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts about what's "extraordinary!" JUDGE/KNOWLES: This is Mr. Goodall's closing argument -- RONNIE: But he's -- JUDGE/KNOWLES: Overruled. RONNIE: But, Your Honor-- JUDGE/KNOWLES: Be seated, Ms. Porter. Counsel, please proceed. RONNIE: Exception -- JUDGE/KNOWLES: Noted. Several jurors roll their eyes. Discouraged, Ronnie sits back down. Scribbles notes furiously on her yellow legal pad.

FEEDBACK NO. 2 Good set up. Thought the interrupts were well placed. Critique: You give some redundant information in the set-up. For example, the scene heading lists the school and it's a moot court. There's no need to say this is a mock courtroom later in the set up.

SCENE No. 2 EXT. SEA TALON - DAY The crews of both the Sea Talon and the Zenkeldam move quickly between both ships trading cargo for additional cannons, shots and black powder. NICHOLAAS OOSTERVELD (29, urbane, glamorous, cautious) watches the men of the Sea Talon very closely. SHEREE (O.S.): Find anything else you like? Nicholass flusters. He turns to see SHEREE SUBERCASEAUX (26, suave, impassive, quirky) ready for battle. NICHOLASS: Oh dearie, your crew is a delight, but I've had my heart broken too many times by rogues. I have my nice, quiet bookkeeper waiting for me in Curaçao. SHEREE: At least you have someone to go home to. (a beat) I want to thank you for doing this for me. I know you were under no obligation to meet me here. NICHOLASS: My pleasure. I was happy to get your communique. You saved from the dreadful ball at Port Royale. SHEREE: The governor's daughter is the worse. NICHOLASS: You can never get word in... the constant yakking. SHEREE: She's a bit of screamer too. NICHOLASS: So is her brother. The two sea captains laugh, but regain their composure when approached by Sea Talon's gunner, CIRRUS (31, athletic, circumspect, frightening). CIRRUS: Captain, the guns are loaded and we're tying them down now. We're ready to go when you are. SHEREE: Thank you, Cirrus. Let Mr. Rowan know he is free to take the ship out once our friends are back on their boat. CIRRUS: Aye, aye. Cirrus departs. SHEREE: Are you going back to Port Royale? NICHOLASS: Oh heavens, no. Not with Escalante hanging around. I may head over to Port-de-Paix-- SHEREE: Wait... did you say "Escalante"? NICHOLASS: Why yes. If there ever was a scoundrel-- SHEREE (yelling): MISTER ROWAN! ROWAN (37, reliable, ascetic, single-minded) runs to SHEREE. SHEREE (whispers to Rowan) What would be crew's reaction if we didn't pursue the treasure fleet, but go after Escalante. ROWAN: Many a crew have suffered a personal hardship because of that demon. Some will grumble, but they know what this-- VOICE (O.S.): SAIL HO! ROWAN (con't): Your decision just grew more difficult.

Somehow... my reply bumped to a separate entry below... Must have clicked the wrong thing. I apologize for that.

FEEDBACK #12 RTM, you've woven quite a bit of subtext and foreshadowing in this scene, making the reader wonder for more, good job. The only trip up I see is with your character introductions: the list of adjectives are unnecessary and "show" the character's personalities, instead of "telling" them through scene description and dialogue. A great example is when you introduce NICHOLAAS and define him as "cautious", where at the end of that line you mention how he watches "very closely", which in itself describes him as cautious. Introductions should stick mainly to physical features and clothing, which can also give away personalities. You should also define their gender, for the line "So is her brother" could have different meanings if NICHOLAAS were a guy or a girl. Overall great dialogue.