Scene 06 EXT. HOUSE - DAY The MAN, in his forties, slick hair, cold unblinking eyes. At the door, looking out at... CENSUS TAKER, a man of around thirty, officious, punctilious, with a pen and clipboard, a black shoulder bag with “U.S. Census Bureau” written on it. CENSUS TAKER So you live here alone? Big house. Are you renting or do you own it? MAN Now is not a good occasion. CENSUS TAKER This won't take long. MAN You are being inconvenient. CENSUS TAKER You answer a few questions and it'll be over in ten minutes. MAN You are on the verge of boring me. CENSUS TAKER I have bad news for you. This is a task that needs to be done, so it's a task I'll do, the Government-- MAN I have worse news for you. The sentence hangs in the air, makes the Census Taker waver. Then the man smiles, opens the door wide. MAN You're in time for lunch. I was just peeling some faba beans. Do come in. Would you like something to drink? I have a nice Chianti... The Census Taker perks up, steps inside. CENSUS TAKER Thank you. Is your surname spelled with an "e" or an "o"? The Man shuts the door.

#SCENE 10 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY The room is silent and dark, with the shades drawn. In the shadows we see ANTHONY (30s) sitting tense on the sofa. He is compulsively rubbing his hands, cracking his knuckles, nervous, anxious - waiting. With the sound of a car pulling up outside Anthony takes a deep breath as he senses his wait is over. A few more seconds of silent anticipation before the door opens throwing sunlight and noise into the house. MAGGIE (30s, dressed very conservatively for her age, like a suburban mum from the 50s) bursts into the house, an intense sunbeam of energy. MAGGIE (Without a pause): Well, it’s a positive graveyard in here! What are you doing in the dark Anthony honestly! Maggie throws open the curtains. We see it’s a very expensive home. We also see Anthony is tired, worried. She walks over and quickly pecks him on the cheek on her way to the adjacent kitchen. MAGGIE (Non stop, unpacking groceries while talking): How are you sweetie? I’d love to talk but I have got just the most TERRIBLE news, you won’t believe it! I just got a call from Sarah on my way back from the market and she told me Angela is leaving Mark! Can you believe it? She turns to Anthony (who is now standing) for reaction, but quickly turns back to the fridge which she is loading up with food. MAGGIE: She’s just walking right out on him - today! Unbelievable. Turns out there’s been another man for a year - a YEAR! Incredible! Mark is devastated of course, and to think when we all went on the boat trip last fall she was secretly with some other guy, of course we’re all just dying to figure out who it is, my theory is it’s one of the guys who was at her birthday in January, do you remember? my money’s on one of the blond twins from New Hampshire, they’re family rich and I always suspected Angela thought she could do better, but Sarah thinks it’s someone closer to home, and she’s got a point, needs to be someone she can see easily if this has been going on for a year, you know what I mean? (A beat) Honey? Maggie looks up from the fridge at Anthony. From her point of view we see him standing, silently. The mood of the room has suddenly changed. Anthony looks like his fighting to get words out but cannot - he just stares at his wife. A beat. He turns behind him, walks a few paces to the edge of the room, and takes hold of a SUITCASE resting by the bookshelves. For once Maggie is speechless, paralysed as she comprehends what is going on. Anthony is not making eye contact any more. He picks up the suitcase and calmly but quickly walks to the front door.

Feedback 03 Very, very good, Adam. I especially like that Anthony's bad news is wordless. Maggie on the other hand, is far from wordless. Characters very well done, great scene. So, just a nitpick: "calmly but quickly walks" strides?

Feedback 03 Very, very good, Adam. I especially like that Anthony’s bad news is wordless. Maggie, on the other hand, is far from wordless. Characters very well done, great scene. So, just a nitpick: “calmly but quickly walks” strides?

INT. PENITENTIARY - OFFICE - DAY JANET (29) sits impatient in front of the desk, plays with an empty paper cup of coffee. The DIRECTOR (50) enters, with a grim face. JANET: About time. Where's my dad? DIRECTOR: Listen, unfortunately all this takes some time, you know? JANET: Well, it shouldn't now that you know he's innocent. DIRECTOR: Well, yes, it should't. But it does, unfortunately. JANET: It's been over a month since the court declared he was wrongfully accused! DIRECTOR: There were some errors in the documents and we couldn't release him sooner. JANET: He's innocent. He's a good man. DIRECTOR: Yes. A good man. Last night during dinner another inmate tried to bully one of the newer inmates. Your father tried to stop the fight and he... JANET: Is he hurt? Let me see him. DIRECTOR: Our infirmary is seriously is seriously understaffed and lacks the equipment needed for some procedures, like the one your father needed. JANET: I want to see him. DIRECTOR: They tried to do everything they could. I'm sorry. JANET: Twenty five years. DIRECTOR: I know it's hard to... JANET: And he was innocent. DIRECTOR: We'll take care of everything. She stands up. JANET: Now you tell me one day after he's released he... She feels dizzy, drops her cup of coffee. The director looks at his watch. DIRECTOR: Don't worry, ma'am. You'll join your father in a moment. JANET: Dad.... She falls to the floor. He grabs the cup of coffee with a napkin, puts it inside a bag and stores it away in a drawer. The director grabs his phone. DIRECTOR: Help! Somebody, please! A secretary enters. DIRECTOR: Come on, help me take her to the infirmary.

FEEDBACK #8 I see what you did there... Though I was going to say even before I... guessed who the man is, his dialogue seems too wooden, too forced. Even if he were... who I think he is, I feel like he'd be less bullish, more playful in his speech, especially at the end when he winds up inviting the census taker in, seemingly almost out of the blue. I did like how the census taker ignored the obvious signs to continue his job.

FEEDBACK #9 I liked the scene, Hector, especially the sinister twist. Even without it the story was compelling. The only trip up I had was the line "Don’t worry, ma’am. You’ll join your father in a moment". Seems unnecessarily boasting. I feel like the director would just stare wordlessly as she dropped, then degrade into the pretend good samaritan. Overall makes me want to read more.

Scene 2 Ext - early evening Mary, early 70s, rocks gently to and fro in the hanging swing on the front porch. Through the front door comes Peter, her son, early 50s. He holds an old Life magazine in his hand. MARY: Looks like you found something in all those boxes. You promised just to pack things, not snoop. PETER: Sorry. But this caught my attention. I’m surprised you kept it. MARY: Pack rat. One of the reasons you are making me move. Peter sits down on the swing and holds the Life magazine cover on his lap. CLOSE ON the cover and its headline “A Remarkable Day in Hue - The Enemy Let Me Take His Picture” and the photo of two young North Vietnamese soldiers at a machine gun. PETER: Do you want to talk about it - that day? MARY: My memory is shot. You keep telling me that. PETER: Why did you stay here all these years. Why? MARY: Because you were conceived in this house, as was your sister, Joyce, God rest her soul. And up there (pointing up) in that bedroom. Well, that was the last place I made love to your dad, who was the love of my life. And because I remember - that day we seem to be going back to - you and Joyce right out there in the front lawn making mud pies all day - on THAT day - and swinging away in that tree swing — that one (pointing to a tree swing some 40 feet away). And because I got a job as an assistant librarian at the Paradise Kansas Public Library and I worked my way up to the head of the damn place - for 30 years I was the head librarian - and I made a life right here in this house - right here in Paradise Kansas - for me and for you and Joyce. And I can’t help it if this little town out here on the prairie is dying and I’m 300 miles away from you and your big city job. Why do you ask, anyway? PETER: I remember this magazine. From that day. MARY: Yea. Me too. What do you remember? PETER: Early April. Hot day for so early in the spring. You were sitting right here, in this swing, using it as a fan to keep the flies away. Stay cool. MARY: You were only six years old that day. What else? PETER: Black, 1966 Ford Falcon. Government tags. The kind that were all over the place at Ft. Riley back then. The First Lieutenant and that Pastor, with his white starched collar getting out of that car, heading up the sidewalk. The Captain had a white letter envelope in his hand. You stopped swinging. You leaned on the porch rail here. Looked at them. And started to cry. I remember that. Your tears came quick. And then Beaver, our dog back then, started barking and nipping at the Pastor and you had to collar him and put him in the house. And then you came out on the porch here, they talked to you for a minute. You stopped crying but you bent over like your tummy was hurting. And they left. MARY: Anything else? PETER: Yes. You called me and Joyce up to this swing and you hugged us and you told us our daddy had died in a battle in Viet Nam. And we all cried. MARY: Yep. That’s pretty much the way I remember it. Why did you bring this up? Peter opens the Life Magazine and pulls out a white envelope. CLOSE ON address lines which say FROM: SECRETARY OF THE ARMY - APRIL 14, 1968 TO: MRS. ROBERT BENTLY, PARADISE, KANSAS PETER: Well, it appears you never opened it. Read it. MARY: I didn’t need to. Do you want to open it, read it now? I can tell you how it starts. It will say “The Secretary of the Army regrets to inform you that your husband, Staff Sargent Robert Bently, was killed in action at the battle of Hue ...” All of us wives - and mothers - we all had heard how those letters went. PETER: I guess the black car parked at the curb, the officer and the pastor walking up the sidewalk. That was notice enough? MARY: That it was. Peter puts the envelope - unopened - back into the Life Magazine. He gives Mary a hug, stands up from the swing. PETER: I’ve got more packing to do.

Well, I re-read the prompt. I missed it, a little. Oh well. Sorry.

SCENE #7 EXT. CLIFF - DAY CHARLOTTE (20s) stares out over the edge of seemingly the world, beneath the dizzying drop a still lake. Her eyes follow the floating clouds in the clear sky, but her mind is somewhere much more gloomy. From behind her approaches STEVEN (20s). He pauses just before when he realizes she has yet to notice him, now just watching her with a content smile. When she sighs and steps closer to the edge he breaks from his trance and makes his presence know. STEVEN I'm sure he'll come. With a start Charlotte turns, a flash of fear in her eyes. Her expression softens when she realizes who it is. CHARLOTTE I'm sure he will. They stare at each other for a beat. Then Charlotte averts her gaze. Steven must close the gap. STEVEN Even if he doesn't... (off her look) Which I'm sure he will, you can't let it ruin our weekend. Charlotte turns away from him. Steven grasps for the right words. STEVEN Such a beautiful view. CHARLOTTE Less so when you're alone. A sting. Steven almost gives up. But if anything he's persistent. STEVEN You're only as alone as you want to be. (a beat) Anyway, your knight will come galloping over the horizon sure enough, if he knows what's good for him. Charlotte tilts her head at the comment, and make to turn until she sees a small tan cloud approaching the cliff. All is forgotten as her face brightens just as Stephen's darkens. She darts past him, leaving him alone on the cliff. EXT. CABIN - SAME A Wrangler pulls up into the rocky driveway of the cabin in the woods. Just as Charlotte reaches it DAISY (20s) steps out of the drivers seat. After a moment of waiting for the passenger side to open, Charlotte approaches her friend, who has begun unloading her jeep. DAISY (without looking at her) He's not here. Hurt passes quickly, replaced by a sad hopefulness. CHARLOTTE He's going to surprise me, isn't he? He know I'd expect him to come with you. Daisy glances at her friend with a pitying frown. She's had it with this puppy dog, but doesn't have the heart to train it out of her. Steven approaches then, sees the two girls and no one else. It's hard to tell the difference between sympathy and joy in his face. Daisy and Charlotte turn to him. CHARLOTTE (affirming) He's going to surprise me. DAISY You're definitely in for one. STEVEN (at the same time) I'm sure he is. The two exchange glances as Charlotte skips happily towards the cabin. Steven shrugs and starts the help his friend with the rest of the gear. STEVEN At least you'll have a fun weekend. DAISY Yea, if you two weren't drooling over the wrong person. Steven laughs as the make their way towards the cabin. We pan back into the forest, as if we were peeking at them from behind one of the tall pines. Heavy breathing is audible.

FEEDBACK #9 I liked this scene but wonder if I wasn't confused. Was Janet in "the outside?" I thought she was, and therefore wondered about why the director (who I guess is like a warden) would have a secretary send her to the prison infirmary at the end instead of call an ambulance. Perhaps he had a sinister motive at the outset? That would've been tipped off with the "joining dad" comment, which may be a bit on the nose. And, why would the director call out to "anyone" to help? I wasn't clear on that. I also thought the conversation was a bit too casual given the director ends up referring to Janet as "ma'am." Still, I wondered what would happen and that's always a good sign! This could be a good set up for a very interesting story.

Feedback 3 I like it. During the read, I thought Maggie's dialog was a little long. Too much backstory. But by the end, I got it.

#FEEDBACK 20 I thought this was a great set up and interesting story, loved the twist at the end. The only line I didn't like was: JANET: It’s been over a month since the court declared he was wrongfully accused! This felt a bit too obvious and just exposition. Both characters know this fact and so wouldn't realistically say it so clearly. Sometimes it's possible to deliver exposition in the subtext and let the audience piece it together.

# FEEDBACK 21 I thought the first half of this was done brilliantly. You've hidden Steven's motivations in the subtext really well and left a lot for the reader to piece together themselves. I started to get a bit confused when a new character enters, and then the heavy breathing line at the end felt a bit off-genre. But otherwise I like how the bad news is not said, but implied by Charlotte's refusal to accept it. Great!

I was trying for steely rather than wooden... From chilling to charming, from charming to chilling, those types do it like a flick of a switch. Whoever they might be. Thanks for the input, Nicholas.

Feedback 06 Bad news for one, good news for another, what an interesting and clever take on the prompt. Charlotte pines for "knight", Steven pines for Charlotte, Daisy pines for... Steven? Wayward pining, for sure. Heavy breathing... let me guess: "knight" has become a Zombie?

Thanks Roy and Adam. I may have forced the scene a little to be part of a larger slasher story. I can't think of a cabin in the woods without defaulting to that haha. But your guess with the zombie is an intriguing one, Roy, definitely adds another level of interaction between the characters. Thanks again for the feedback!

SCENE #11: INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT MARIE (16) is writing on a laptop on her bed when HENRY, her father, knocks. She just keeps writing as Henry knocks again. HENRY (o.s): Are you in there, Marie? MARIE: Yea. HENRY (o.s.): Can I come in? Marie sighs. MARIE: The door is unlocked. Marie closes her laptop as Henry opens the door and leans on the doorframe. HENRY: Look, I’m sorry for that outburst at dinner. I didn’t really know how to tell you the news. MARIE: What’s going on? HENRY: Well, I’m not sure how to really say this, but I’ve been feeling sorry for Jim ever since he’s got his car stolen. I was thinking about maybe sending you his car for the time being. MARIE: What? But dad, I need it. HENRY: Yea, but so does Jim. He’s been missing work and he can’t afford to rent a car. The least we can do is give him something while he’s able to find it. MARIE: But what if I want to go out? HENRY: Maybe you can get Jim to let you do it? I know you wouldn’t be fond of this – MARIE: Get out. HENRY: Sweetie, don’t do this. MARIE: Just get out. Henry sighs as he closes the door. Marie opens her laptop back up and navigates to an IM. She types in “we need to give him back that car!!!”

FEEDBACK #13: Excellent descriptions and conflict here. I love the two ways the characters deliver news, and how Maggie is so uncharacteristic by the news because of how shocking it appears. Besides Maggie's dialogue in the end being lengthy, I think what doesn't deliver as great as a punch is that the reader "sees" nothing but her talking. You could add some business for Maggie or Anthony and (cont.) to her or otherwise break the action into sections by having Anthony try but fail to give news. I think this way wouldn't take away from what you have in the dialogue, but would give you something for the reader to see while Maggie tries to figure this out.

FEEDBACK #9 I got lost when Henry said he was sending Marie "his car" meaning Jim's. Think I'm missing something, did they both steal Jim's car and are thinking of returning it? Or is it another person we don't know has the car and Henry's response is to give Jim, Marie's car as repayment because he's struggling so bad? If it was supposed to be: Henry: ... I was thinking about maybe sending him your car for the time being. Then I get it.

GLG Scene #8: INT MOONBUTT’S COFFEE HOUSE, LOS FELIZ – DAY Two men are in line at Moonbutt’s. They’re reading the sandwich menu above the counter and don’t notice each other until they’re side by side. GAVIN, 48, sees JOEY, 32, first and starts to edge away. Joey sees him before he can get out of sight. JOEY: Hey, Gav! Long time no see. GAVIN: (turns to face him) Yeah, I guess it has. (a beat) How’s the writing going? JOEY: Just great! I found a new agent today. Donald Mastrick. GAVIN: Mastrick’s young, but he’s top notch. How did you get him? JOEY: Oh, we’re not signed yet. I have 12 others in mind. They move forward as the line shortens, then face each other again. GAVIN: So what you really have is a list of possible agents. JOEY: Yeah, I found their names in Paperpushers’ Weekly. I just added Mastrick to the list. GAVIN: How many have you contacted? JOEY: None, yet. I’m going to send all of ‘em my new script at once. I’m sure to get one to take me on. GAVIN: A new script? Congratulations. Got a title? JOEY: “The Diary of Melanie Monticello!” GAVIN: You started that six years ago. JOEY: Eight. But I just rewrote it. I read a great book on structure and saw “Diary” in a whole new light. GAVIN: Well that’s a good thing. When I gave you my notes, it needed a ton of work. JOEY: Yeah, yeah, but that’s water over the dam. I totally changed the concept. GAVIN: So you never picked up my marks. JOEY: Uh, no. GAVIN: Or understood the reasons for those marks. JOEY: What’s the point? If the concept is different, the marks don’t matter. GAVIN: So what’s the new concept? Wait, wait. Don’t tell me... JOEY: You’ll never guess! GAVIN: ...Zombies! You added zombies. JOEY: (face falling) How’d you know? GAVIN: I just had a feeling. JOEY: Want to give it another look? I have it with me. Joey starts fumbling with his backpack, pulls out a Chromebook. Gavin holds up a hand. GAVIN: Never mind. JOEY: It’s no problem. Then I’ll show you the trailer I’m taking to the Hurley Film Festival. GAVIN: How much did that set you back? JOEY: Two thou for the trailer. Another four for the festival. Plus airfare. GAVIN: Where’d you get the money? (a beat) From your sister, right. JOEY: (looks down at the table) Uh, yeah. GAVIN: You know, you never paid me for my last read. JOEY: (a beat) Lunch is on me. GAVIN: (shrugs, rolls eyes) All right. AT A TABLE IN A CORNER – MINUTES LATER Gavin and Joey eat sandwiches and drink Cokes. Gavin slowly turns the pages of a script. Joey watches. GAVIN: Melanie is now a bisexual albino dwarf exhibitionist? JOEY: Sesquisexual. It’s the latest thing. All explained in Ralph’s monologue on pages six and seven. You see-- GAVIN: Never mind. I don’t want to know. Dwarf is spelled D-W-A-R-F, not D-O-R-F. JOEY: Nah, I seen it spelt that way. Gavin looks at him, mouth agape. JOEY: What? Gavin shakes his head and turns another page. He stares at what he sees. GAVIN: She’s in a coma? How long does that go on? JOEY: To the pivot point. That’s where she regains consciousness when Jamaal gets back from Rhodesia and uses his ancient juju on her. GAVIN: It’s Zimbabwe, now. It’s been Zimbabwe since 1980. Gavin stacks the pages neatly and shoves them towards Joey. GAVIN: Joey, ol' buddy, this is dreck. JOEY: Dreck? Whattaya mean, dreck? GAVIN: Shit. Poop. Scheisse. Felgercarb. It was dreck two years ago; now it’s dreck with zombies. JOEY: Zombies are in. GAVIN: Badly written ones are out. So are passive protagonists, didactic material, magical minorities, and abysmal formatting. Cancel Hurley and get your money back. Your sister’s money. (pointing) Speaking of Hurley, did you know you give “vomit draft” an entirely original meaning? JOEY: You‘re just jealous. GAVIN: (rising) Right. Give my love to your sister. JOEY: I’ll tell her you offered to eat me. GAVIN: (burps noisily) Thanks for lunch. And adios, my friend.

Yea, it was supposed to be "your car". I must have switched those two pronouns. Thanks!

SCENE 7 EXT stret Late evening. Jack and Merry walking arm in arm MERRY:  what a great evening today. I feel so good with you.  JACK signs and scratches his head.  MERRY: what is it with you? You are strange today, answer at random.  JACK: I need to talk with you. Seriously  MERRY: What happened? Something at work? JACK No, it’s hard to talk. Let’s sit on the bench  They sit. MERRY Something happened with Tom in the school?  JACK No, No, just that is so hard to tell. He stays from the bench MERRY You’ve got sick? Oh my god you’ve got bad analysis!  JACK No, shit, we need to divorce  MERRY What are you talking about?  JACK Yes, yes, I do not love you, I cheated on you. Many times MERRY(trembling )) What are you talking about?, stop it JACK yes, yes I am not happy with you,I want to leave! Merry cries. JACK Yes, I really appreciate you, but I think that we need to do it now not later, you’ll find a new man, and you’ll be happy. Because with me you’ll never be happy. 

The monologues need tightening.

SCENE CHALLENGE #8 BAD NEWS SCENE (DAY 11) INT. KITCHEN - DAY Rob sits at the table, wringing his hands, watching Fran pick at leftover Chinese. ROB: I'm wondering about the dog. FRAN: Why? ROB: Is he always that lethargic? FRAN: He's just old. ROB: I think it's more than that. FRAN: He probably just misses Joe. LATER: Fran enters the condo and sees Rob working away at the computer. Rob looks up long enough to see Patch isn't with Fran. Looks back down at his work. ROB: Did the vet decide to keep Patch for observation? FRAN: You could say that. Rob looks up at a dejected Fran. FRAN (CONT'D): I had him put down. He has -- had -- bad kidney failure. Rob rises to hug Fran whether she likes it or not. ROB: I'm so sorry, Fran. Really. He goes back to work. ROB (CONT'D): Not to add insult to injury or anything like that, but your plants...? They go to THE PATIO Fran opens the sliding glass door to the patio and observes her once striking flowers are wilted. She groans. FRAN: This is awful! My plants!