INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT GRETA, a teenager in bright colored clothes, applies her lipstick while looking at herself on a smartphone. She is about to leave the basement when VLADIMIR and WILHELMINA enter, both in dark clothes. VLADIMIR: Planning on going out? GRETA: Yes. I'm going for a snack. VLADIMIR: Really? Where? GRETA: Oh, there's a new joint in town... I... it has five stars on Yelp, it's very crowded, so I thought I could find some... I don't know. New blood over there. WILHELMINA: Don't lie to us. GRETA: I'm not lying, mom. WILHELMINA: I found this. She shows an empty blood pack. VLADIMIR: What do you call this? GRETA: Uhm... a midnight snack? VLADIMIR: Renfield has been following you for some time. He says you go the blood bank. Why? GRETA: Dad, I really don't want to bite people anymore. Wilhelmina cries. WILHELMINA: But why? VLADIMIR: Do you know what will happen to our family's reputation if people know my daughter doesn't want to bite people anymore? GRETA: They won't hunt us? VLADIMIR: They'll think we're weak, we'll lose their respect. Come on, let's go find a good, healthy, tasty boy you can bite. GRETA: No, dad! I told you I don't want that's so... filthy. Do you know all the dirt that accumulates in people's neck during the day? WILHELMINA: Is that it? You can take some wipes, clean them up before you bite them. VLADIMIR: See? Problem solved. We'll take you to dinner. GRETA: No, dad... I... okay. I found this group online. V.E.T.H. Vampires for the Ethical Treatment of Humans. You should take a look at their website. She shows him her smartphone, he reads. then faints. GRETA: Dad! WILHELMINA: Are you proud of what have you done? GRETA: Do you think I should tell him I also joined PETA? I wanna go vegan.

Sc#1 INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS - DAY A sheet pops up and down escalating until... with a groan CAPTAIN MICHAELS (30s) finishes himself off. From under the sheet he pulls out a mug. It takes Michaels a moment to get out of bed. Days on quarter rations have left him weakened. So weak that even this simple task is a struggle. He falls forward catching himself on a bedside table. He slams the mug down on the tabletop. With a shrug of the neck and a moment of mental preparation he swallows the mug of semen down. EXT. PIRATE SHIP DECK - DAY Michaels labors across the deck the glaring sun blinding him he resigns on the companionway. SHORT CUT a.k.a. S.C. a.k.a ESSY (40s, Little Person. It would serve a person well to ignore the short in his name but respect the cut) observes the Captains condition. ESSY:Drink my ration. I can get by on less. The mates don’t need to see you like this. He tosses his canteen to Michaels. On the Bow SMITTY (40s, Bristly and Pudgy) a once seemingly unbreakable swashbuckler has his rod cast out. With every crank of the reel hope flees from his face. Then it hits... the rod dips down. Smitty snaps out of the haze. It hits again. SMITTY:C’mon yuuu. Another hit and Smitty jerks the rod back. SMITTY (CONT’D):I GOT ONE ON! READY THE SNAG. The rod tugs back jerking Smitty’s arms forward. SMITTY (CONT’D) :Looks like I got me a fighter. Another jerk on the rod and Smitty’s entire body is pulled to the end of the bow he gets his feet set before almost going over. Two crew mates rush to his aid ready to harpoon. SMITTY (CONT’D):There she is. I see her colors. The two crewman fling their harpoons. They try to pull the fish in. CREWMAN #1:She’s too big. More mates join in to land the fish. SMITTY:Here she comes boys. The men fall back as they land the fish. They now realize this isn’t any ordinary fish. It’s body...long like a snake. It’s head resembling an unopened lotus bud. It slithers between the men. With a whip of the tail it sends Smitty sliding across the deck. It heads for Michaels. Michaels looks up into the creatures face. The creature opens up it’s lotus like mane revealing a face of uncountable sets of teeth. Michaels grips his cutlass. As he rises to his feet he unsheathes it. The creature arches its head back, with its hundreds of teeth spread open it lets out a lion like roar. All kinds of slime and nastiness fly into Michaels face he squints his eyes as the gust of foulness ripples his cheeks like the most potent of winds. It arches again ready to attack. Michaels is blinded. He tries to anticipate where it’s going to strike from. The creature snaps at Michaels it has the angle on him. Michaels swings the cutlass and misses. Its head arches again... A dagger sinks into the creatures neck knocking it sideways. The creature lets a harrowing cry and turns to its attacker. Essy readies another dagger. The creature regains its composure. Essy waits for it... the creature charges. Essy throws the next dagger hitting it in the forehead. The creatures momentum carries it forward. Essy steps to the side and the creature slides to a halt. DEAD! Essy looks over the corpse. ESSY:What the hell was that? Smitty limps his way over to creature and gives it a kick for death assurance purposes. SMITTY:I’ll tell you what that is... That’s dinner boys.

Sorry, slightly rewritten version SCENE #7 INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT GRETA, a teenager in bright colored clothes, applies her lipstick while looking at herself on a smartphone. She is about to leave the basement when VLADIMIR and WILHELMINA enter, both in dark clothes. VLADIMIR: Planning on going out? GRETA: Yes. I'm going for a snack. VLADIMIR: Really? Where? GRETA: Oh, there's a new joint in town... I... it has five stars on Yelp, it's very crowded, so I thought I could find some... I don't know. New blood over there. WILHELMINA: Don't lie to us. GRETA: I'm not lying, mom. WILHELMINA: I found this. She shows an empty blood pack. VLADIMIR: What do you call this? GRETA: Uhm... a midnight snack? VLADIMIR: Renfield has been following you for some time. He says you go the blood bank. Why? GRETA: Dad, I really don't want to bite people anymore. Wilhelmina cries. WILHELMINA: Why? What did we did wrong? VLADIMIR: Do you know what will happen to our family's reputation if people know my daughter doesn't want to bite people anymore? GRETA: They won't hunt us? VLADIMIR: They'll think we're weak, we'll lose their respect. Especially the Van Helsings. Come on, let's go find a good, healthy, tasty boy you can bite. GRETA: No, dad! I told you I don't want that's so... filthy. Do you know all the dirt that accumulates in people's necks during the day? WILHELMINA: You can take some wipes, clean them up before you bite them. VLADIMIR: See? Problem solved. We'll take you to dinner. GRETA: No, dad... I... okay. I found this group online. V.E.T.H. Vampires for the Ethical Treatment of Humans. You should take a look at their website. She shows him her smartphone, he nervously reads. VLADIMIR (reading): humans are not ours to eat... opposes biting humans... founders Arthur Van Helsing the fifth and Greta Dracul... Faints. GRETA: Dad! WILHELMINA: Are you proud of what you have done? GRETA: Do you think I should tell him I also joined PETA? I wanna go vegan.

#SCENE 7 INT. BOXING CLUB - NIGHT In the shadows around the edges we can barely make out the details of a boxing club: benches and weights against the wall, lockers and punchbags. But it’s all irrelevant as our eyes are drawn to the ring in the centre of the room, illuminated by a neon light and shrouded in cigarette smoke. We’re compelled closer towards the shapes and sounds of three men in the ring, sat around a table. DIXY: Read ‘em and weep fellas. We’re close on the felt surface of the table now, as a hand moves in shot and lays out a row of cards: a full house. We see DIXY (40s, stocky working class new yorker) take a smug tug on his cigar, struggling to hide his grin. DIXY: I’m glad I left some space in my trunk for all this extra cash! (Croaky laugh). I’m gonna be in the good books with Lauren tonight! The reaction from the table is muted. Across from him we see STEW (40s, almost identical but skinny) and between them TREV (60s, pallid face, emotionless). They’re both still holding their cards in their hands. Dixy reaches across to collect his haul from the middle of the table - but is stopped. STEW: Ah, your car’s got a big trunk does it? That’ll come in handy… Cool as a cucumber Stew lays out his hand. In CLOSE we see it’s a straight flush. DIXY: (Face falling) Mother…no, I don’t believe it… His face flashes to TREV as if to call for help, but the old man is silent and his face shows no emotion. Stew is now the one laughing hard. STEW: Read ‘em and weep my friend. DIXY: No, you can’t… STEW: (Grinning) I hope I’m in Lauren’s good books tonight too huh? DIXY: You dirty son of a- STEW: You shouldn’t have bet your car my friend - or your wife. DIXY: No! You can’t! Again Dixy appeals to Trev but the old man does nothing. Stew pulls in his cash, and theatrically picks up Dixy’s car keys. STEW: Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle…with both of them. With a filthy laugh he turns to leave but doesn’t get far. DIXY: (Shaking) D-don’t move you piece of shit! Stew turns to see Dixy pointing a gun at him. Stew looks to Trev for some kind of response, but gets none. STEW: Oh, you want to play with the big boys do you chubby? Well, let’s play! Quick as a flash Stew pulls out a bigger gun and points it more confidently at Dixy. They are both standing over the little felt table in the middle of the boxing ring, smoke still floating in the air. DIXY: (Crying) You can’t take Lauren, I won’t let you… STEW: Then why did you put her on the table you stupid fuck? DIXY: I’ll do it, I’ll kill you! STEW: Not before I blow your tiny little head off your fat neck! They both stare each other down, their gun barrels just inches apart over the table, both wired enough to pull the trigger. Neither of them notice TREV finally move. He leans forward and silently spreads his cards on the table. Stew is the first to break his stare and look down. Dixy follows suit. Then we see Trev’s hand: a royal flush. A beat. TREV: (Stubbing out his cigar and reaching for the cash) You can keep the wife. But the car’s mine.

Scene #7: Neil Vidya INT HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY - 1996 Nitin (17) fiddles with a trigonometry book in his locker, staring out the nearby window into the smoker's pit. He's gazing at Laura (17), laughing her hyperactive laugh and smoking with her friends in the snow. They're in oversized bomber jackets and flared jeans, because that’s what’s hot in 1996. NITIN It's so unfair. LIM (OS) Life's unfair, space cowboy. LIM (17) leans against the lockers and stares out as well. NITIN I make her laugh, I know her songs, I chat with her on ICQ every night… and still, nothing. LIM She uses the internet? What baud modem? NITIN Why? What does her modem speed mean? LIM Well… it means she has a fast modem. NITIN So you don’t know why you’re asking is what you’re saying? LIM I think if her speed was really high I’d start chatting her up on ICQ, too. NITIN Ha. What’s really important here is that she's online. She's like, one of us. LIM She likes anime? NITIN No. LIM She has a Geocities website? NITIN No. LIM How's she like us then? NITIN She's... cool. LIM But we’re not cool. A beat. LIM I wish more girls used tech. I asked Kim if she wanted to chat online once. She said "Chat on what line?”. I still like her though, she doesn’t think a lot. NITIN That’s just your type. You guys are like peas in a pod. LIM Exactly. Wait, what? NITIN Did you know in Japan they chat on their phones? It's called texting. LIM A whole nation of geek girls... Why did my parents come to Canada? NITIN closes his locker and we reveal JASON (17), built like a fridge, in a Rangers lacrosse jacket. JASON So... you're Laura's new internet friend. NITIN looks down, yanks his bag onto his shoulder and attempts to speed walk away. LIM backs off slowly. JASON Hey! NITIN stops. JASON I gotta ask you something! NITIN stops, turns around. A beat as Jason looks him up and down. JASON Laura bailed on Kevin's party last night. Her friends say she just sat in her room all night on that CQ chat. NITIN (quiet) It's ICQ. Like "I, seek, you". JASON (thoughtful) Oh... nerdy... (direct) Anyway, you- NITIN (catty) I get it, OK, you don't want another man in her life. JASON (laughing) What? No, keep talking to her! You’re not another man, you’re her buddy. NITIN Oh, am I? JASON No, I'm asking if you'll help me figure out what she likes and shit. What songs she likes, I don’t know, poems? NITIN's hands ball up into fists. JASON I mean, I would go on myself, but I've got, you know, friends and stuff after school. I can’t be at home all the time like you are. NITIN (repressed anger) You know... LIM yanks on NITIN's bag, hard. LIM Nit, relax, don't- JASON What? What's he going to- NITIN you don't even realize- LIM NIT! NITIN (dramatic anger) I'm trying to fuck her! Yeah, that's right, I'm trying to get my piece in her holster! LIM backs off. JASON looks at him, wide eyed. NITIN I seduce her nightly, whispering words of wisdom. JASON Words of wisdom? Like Hey Jude? NITIN Words of sexual wisdom! I'm a master of age old Indian sexual seduction techniques that get her wet through the internet, mother fucker! JASON (laughing) Man... you're pure jokes! NITIN Jokes? Jokes!? We'll see how funny it is when she sucks my d! You gonna take that you- JASON's smile turns blank, as he looks behind NITIN. LAURA (os) She WHAT? NITIN turns around, mortified. It's LAURA. She's hurt. A beat. LIM I just want to say, Nit is super red right now, but you can’t see it, cuz, you know, brown. But he’s really embarassed, I swear. Look at his eyes, they’re watery. LAURA (hurt) You... selfish asshole! LAURA turns around and storms off, her girls in tow. NITIN I- JASON Woah, I'm sorry man. NITIN Stop being nice! JASON I can’t. I’m Canadian. JASON walks off towards Laura. NITIN Damn! Why doesn't anyone take me seriously? NITIN whips his bag around his shoulder and we see his big Dragon ball Goku stickers. LIM Maybe it's because you're like, a kitten. Would you fight a kitten? They walk to class. NITIN Thanks Lim. LIM Hey, well, she took you seriously! You may have made her cry. NITIN Really? LIM I don't know, my mom says I have a low emotional intelligence. NITIN She's right. LIM She says my emotional intelligence is as low as your mental intelligence. It's why we're friends. NITIN No wonder your parents are divorced. LIM That’s just because my dad also has low scores in intelligence. (realizing) Now that I think about it she thinks every guy has a low intelligence. NITIN (sigh) I think she may be right...

FEEDBACK #6 Friend zoned! Growing up 90's was definitely all about discovering new ways to communicate and validate our social interests (geocities ugh!). Scene felt long for the assignment of 1-2 pages. Felt almost like two scenes in one... was it the backstory scene of the interaction with Laura, the confrontation (which turns out to be friendly in intent) with her boyfriend scene, or the conflict scene between Laura and Nitin. Cutting some action and dialogue would make it an easier read for the subject matter, which I enjoyed.

So true - it's so easy and lazy to just write out these marathon scenes, but now I gotta work and actually cut them into sensible pieces.

Scene #7 INT. PET STORE - NIGHT We track past shelves of darkened fish tanks, down a dark staircase and into dingy basement following an OLD MAN holding a small PLASTIC BAG of water that contains STEPHEN, a dark navy Siamese fighting fish. We push in, all the way into the bag with Stephen, who swims frantic circles around the bag. STEPHEN: (to himself, excited) I was picked! Wonder what my new home is gonna be like? I hope I have roommates! Oooh! Look at all the humans! We see through the bag and blur that he is being carried toward a SMALL, TIGHT CIRCLE OF SPECTATORS, which the man pushes through. In the center is a SMALL GLASS FISHBOWL on a table, four stacks of CASH piled beside the bowl. STEPHEN: (con’t, relieved) Thank Poseidon! A bowl! A home! As Stephen approaches we can slightly make out two black spots circling in the bowl. The man pours Stephen and the water in the bag into the bowl. INT. FISHBOWL - SAME Stephen splashes down in between two more Siamese fighting fish. He shakes his head clear and finds himself face-to-face with BOB, large, pock-marked with scars and missing a small chunk from his dorsal fin. STEPHEN: Hi! I’m Steph--- Bob lunges at Stephen with a roar, revealing a row his razor-sharp teeth. Stephen ducks under just in time and circles around. He looks back behind him and sees Bob regrouping from the miss. Stephen turns back---WHOOSH!---another set of tiny razors grazes his head and shoots past. JIMMY, smaller than Bob, but unscarred and scrappy, flies past Stephen and then dodges under a lunging bite from Bob. Bob slams into the wall of the bowl, stunned. Jimmy stops and faces Stephen and Bob, unafraid. JIMMY: Come on, you punk-ass sons of carp! Bring it! Who’s first?! BOB: (to Jimmy) Please. After I rip your gills out, I’m gonna fu--- STEPHEN: (to both) WHOA! Guys! What are we doing here?! JIMMY: (to Bob) Let’s tear this bitch-ass in half. Then we real men can fight. Bob grunts in agreement. They glide towards Stephen, who retreats until he bumps into the glass wall. STEPHEN: Gentlemen, please! Wait! (to Jimmy) Look at this other guy. He’s huge! After you two kill me, he’ll tear your eyes out and feed them to you! Jimmy sizes up Bob, who nods semi-sheepishly. STEPHEN: (to Bob) And you, big guy. You look like you’ve seen some stuff, man. Some real stuff. I can tell you’ve answered the call the before, but this feisty asshole over here might finally be the one to have your number. Bob sizes up Jimmy, who feints back and forth quickly and bares his teeth. STEPHEN: So, come on. We don’t have to fight. (nodding to the crowd outside the bowl) They can’t come in here and make us. The sign on my tank might say “Fighting Fish” but, not today. Today, I’m just a fish. We’re all just fish. And we decide when to fight. Not them. No one has to die toni--- SPLASH! FISH #4 lands smack in the middle of Stephen, Jimmy and Bob. The new fish spins around, sizing up the three others, ready to rumble. FISH #4: LET’S GO! WHO WANTS SOME?! Stephen, Jimmy and Bob look at each other silently, then to Fish #4, who eventually slows his frantic spinning and finally stops. FISH #4: What are you guys doing?! Why aren’t we fighting?! STEPHEN: Just chill for a sec. We’re not here to fight you. Right guys? FISH #4: What?! That’s what we do. We are fighting fish. JIMMY: Nah, man. Not today. (nodding to Stephen) Today, we’re all just fish. STEPHEN: That’s right. And we’re gonna wait until the humans take us back to our tanks and then someone will take us home and feed us and love us and we can just, like, be fish. Dig? Fish #4 can’t believe his fish ears. He blinks hard and finally, with a shrug of his fins, backs in between Bob and Stephen. The four fish float peacefully. STEPHEN: And now we wai--- The wait is over. From inside the water we see a pair of hands lift the bowl skyward. Stephen looks down through the glass bottom and sees grubby hands pulling the cash off the table as they are taken away back through the crowd. STEPHEN: See! See what happens when we--- SMASH CUT TO: INT. PET STORE BASEMENT - MOMENTS LATER FLUSH! We hear a toilet and catch a glimpse as the old man turns off the bathroom light and closes the door. He walks out of frame towards the sound of the booing crowd, holding his hands up in apology.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY BARBARA, 20’s and exhausted from work, unlocks the door to her apartment. She opens it and barely dodges a bottle to the head. BARBARA: What the hell? LINDA holds JENNI in an arm lock. Jenni gets out of it and pops Linda against the wall. Linda crouches and tackles Jenni’s legs. BARBARA: Girls! Linda and Jenni pause, while Linda is in a chokehold. JENNI: Oh hey, Barbara. I didn’t think you’d be here yet. BARBARA: I got out of work early. Let her go. Jenni lets go of Linda. Linda punches Jenni in the stomach. BARBARA: Stop it. What were you guys fighting about anyways? LINDA: What show we get to watch. BARBARA: What? LINDA: Well, we were arguing about which show to watch, so we were deciding on splitting up our time. Then we got bored and just decided to fight each other. BARBARA: Why? JENNI: It’s a lot more fun that way. Barbara sighs. BARBARA: Why do I put up with you two? JENNI: Because we’re interesting? LINDA: Because you’ve got no one else? BARBARA: Okay, both true.

This is scene #7.

Scene #2 INT. CAR - NIGHT HAL (38) in the car with his parents KAY and, EARL (both late 60s). They pull up to a church. HAL: This isn't Applebee's. KAY: Don't be mad. There's a support group for ... people who were married but are now not. HAL: You mean a divorce support group. KAY: No. Not all of them are divorced. Some of them are widows or widowers. HAL: When you sell it like, then I'm definitely going inside. KAY: You should try it. They're all going through the same thing - HAL: - I am still married. EARL: For now. HAL: Mom, Dad, I appreciate this attempt at helping me, but Jen and I are just going through a rough patch - EARL: - Son it's been one month since you moved back in - KAY: - Not that we mind. EARL: - Even if it is a little peculiar for a thirty-eight year old to move back in with his parents - KAY: - We love having you here - HAL: - She just needs some space, and I have to respect that. - EARL: - Like she respected you by sleeping with her trainer? HAL: (to Kay) You told him? KAY: Yes. Honey I'm sorry. I just couldn't keep it from him. Hal unbuckles his seat belt. HAL: I can't believe I fell for an Applebee's trap. KAY: Do you want us to bring you back something? HAL: You're still going? EARL: They're having a special on steak. HAL: I'll pass. Hal exits the car. HAL: So how am I supposed to get home? EARL: Make a new friend. The car drives away. Hal looks at the church. Resigned, he walks towards the front door.

SCENE #5 INT. HOUSE - NIGHT A man stands before an antique vanity, staring into the mirror. He leans in to pop a red nose over his own, and in the light we see that he is wearing clown makeup. This is DWAYNE (30s). C.U. DWAYNE As he admires his work. The rest of the house behind him is shrouded in darkness, heavier silhouettes scattered throughout. A few of them moving. Dwayne, noticing the presence, turns with a start, the fear in his face skewed comically by the makeup. ON THREE FIGURES Still in the shadows. Then one moves into the light, dazzling as it reflects off the plastic lizard mask he is wearing. He pulls the mask up to reveal a deeply scarred face, some maybe self inflicted. This is MICKEY (30s). Dwayne grabs his chest dramatically and sighs. DWAYNE You guys scared the bejeebers out of me! That's good, but shouldn't you save it? Mickey and the other two darkened figures don't indicate Dwayne even said anything. DWAYNE Anywho, I've got a big night planned. This months trophy is as good as mine! MICKEY That's what we're here to talk about, Dwayne. The fear returns to Dwayne's face for a moment, but he quickly hides it. MICKEY Your... gimmick. It doesn't quite fit with what we're trying to accomplish here. DWAYNE Aw, come on guys! Ask anybody, clowns are scary. Another figure glides forward, JACKSON (20s), breathing audible through a customized gas mask. His monotonous voice reverberates when he speaks. JACKSON Clowns are funny. We don't appreciate out members being laughed at by those beneath us. DWAYNE (rolling his eyes) Gosh, for guys who run around wearing masks, you sure don't appreciate the theatrical side. JACKSON What we do isn't for entertainment. DWAYNE (mockingly) Ooo, yea, for pain, suffering, punishment, blah blah blah. Boring. MICKEY Mocking our code of conduct isn't wise. DWAYNE Whatever. You guys are just peeved that my body count keeps rising. You should spend less time on these little therapy sessions, and more time on the streets, like me. DWAYNE As he turns back to the mirror to triple check his handiwork. JACKSON You should take this more seriously. DWAYNE Oh, like Larry there, skulking in the shadows? ON THE THIRD FIGURE The other two turn to him, who at the sound of his name reveals himself. LARRY (???), his face hidden beneath a large leathery hood. Mickey and Jackson appear uneasy as Larry moves closer. We can see why, as the light shows the hood to be made of human skin. JACKSON (looking down) Well, maybe it's okay to have a little fun. MICKEY You can sometimes be a buzzkill, Larry. Larry sulks his shoulders. While his face is hidden, a "Really guys?" expression still permeates from him.

FEEDBACK #4 I liked this one, Ashley, great family interactions via dialogue. Definitely seems like part of a larger story. I felt like you could have done some more with Hal, maybe if he pushed back a little more, or, if he's been worn down by previous attempts such as this one, reflect that in his dialogue. Either way it makes me want to know more about him.

FEEDBACK #9 I really like the backstory established here and the tension brewing with this Jen character, and that it grows out of this subtle nod with the intervention. I think something that could be improved are how much the characters are willing to confess. I like how Hal is rather defensive, but there's times when I felt the dialogue was a bit too on the nose, and Earl and Kay are too willing to confess information. Also, even though I think all of the breaks in speech worked out, in a screenplay the constant use of breaks might annoy some potential readers. However, I really like the little goofy nod of still going to Applebee's to ease some of the tension in the scene.

GLG Scene #7 EXT. LARGE HOUSE – NIGHT Silence. Three heavy-set men, ANDREOZZI, CIPRIANO, and DRAGNA exit from a large dark sedan, closing the doors just hard enough to latch. They wear black borsalinos, dark overcoats. They huddle together and talk in whispers. ANDREOZZI: He knows we’re comin'? DRAGNA: Yeah, but he might have skipped. CIPRIANO: No. I checked with the woman. She said he had two with dinner. He knows better than to drive drunk. He’ll be there. DRAGNA: He’s probably on his fourth, by now. We’d better get in there before he’s snockered. They leave the car and follow the sidewalk to a path that leads to the front door. As they reach the path, BACCIAGALUPE meets them, coming the other way. BACCIGALUPE: Is this all you got? (points at them) DRAGNA: If he won’t listen to four of us, he won’t listen to a hundred. ANDREOZZI: He probably won't. This isn’t the first time we've done this. BACCIAGALUPE: Jesus, let it be the last! Which reminds me. Did you bring… Andreozzi pats his left side, near his armpit. ANDREOZZI: Of course. I’m carryin'; you guys should do the talkin'. They turn up the path to the house. As they reach the porch, THE WOMAN, about 50, too-dark black hair in a bun, comes out and hurries down the stairs. The men step aside for her and tip their hats. She doesn’t look at them, but hurries away in the night. BACCIAGALUPE: I don’t know how she stands it. CIPRIANO: She needs the money. And she’s used to micks. Dragna knocks on the door. OC, someone inside shuffles towards the door. FLANNIGAN: Who is it? CIPRIANO: It’s us, Tom. Open up and let us in. FLANNIGAN: What if I don’t want to? BACCIAGALUPE: Let us in, you lush, or we’ll break the door down. FLANNIGAN: You can’t do that. Thish...this is private property. BACCIAGALUPE: Private, my ass. Who paid for this property? Where’d the spondoolies come from? Sounds of the door being unlatched. It opens, revealing a disheveled Thomas Flannigan in worn, silk trousers, and a dirty undershirt. He holds a glass of ice cubes. The others breeze past him and into the parlor, dropping their hats on a stand, barely acknowledging his presence except to sniff the scotch-laden air as they pass. INT. PARLOR – CONTINUOUS CIPRIANO: In here, Tom. Flannigan enters. They stare at the glass in his hand. He hurriedly sets it down in an inconspicuous place. FLANNIGAN: I’ve...I’ve sort of been expecting this. CIPRIANO: Tom, how many times is this now? FLANNIGAN: Three. No, four. DRAGNA: Try six. Whassa matter with you? FLANNIGAN: (crying) I can’t help it. CIPRIANO: That exactly what we’re afraid of, Tom. The four men exchange glances. DRAGNA: Let’s cut to the chase: since you can’t help it, then you’ve had your last chance. FLANNIGAN: No! Please! I can stop. I just need a little more time. BACCIAGALUPE: We gave you more time. Look what you did with it. Look at you. FLANNIGAN: It’s not my fault-- CIPRIANO: Tom, you’re endangering the entire Organization. You should have been taken out a long time ago. FLANNIGAN: (crying) Please-- DRAGNA: We’ve just found out about your latest escapade. You've fucked up big-time, now. (to Bacciagalupe) Take him in the other room and do him. ANDREOZZI: (To Bacciagalupe) You want the…? (Points at the lump on his left side) BACCIAGALUPE: (shakes head) Just give me a few minutes. (looks at Flannigan) Cover your ears if he gets too loud. Bacciagalupe pulls something from a pocket. It’s rolled up, made of fiber or fabric of some sort. He takes Flannigan’s arm and draws him gently but forcefully into a side room, O.C., where they can’t be clearly heard. Flannigan continues to protest, whimpering and whining. Bacciagalupe’s voice rises at times, muffled, insistent. The men in the parlor look away from each other, studying the ceiling or floor, faces grim, ashamed. DRAGNA: What’s to be done with him? After. ANDREOZZI: (shrugs) Stone on a rope around his neck, drop him in the drink? DRAGNA: Don’t make bad jokes. Wish to God we’d dumped this loose cannon years ago. CIPRIANO: We didn’t know what we were dealing with. Now we know. Flannigan is silent, now. The men look at each other. Bacciagalupe, O.C, drones for several seconds, then continues clearly: BACCIAGALUPE: (O.C.)...Ego te absolvo a peccatis tuis in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Bacciagalupe comes out wearing a narrow purple stole over his coat. He rolls the stole up, puts it back in his pocket. BACCIAGALUPE: (to Andreozzi) He’s ready to receive communion, now. Andreozzi pulls a pyx from his inside coat pocket and goes into the other room. DRAGNA: For all the good it will do the damned pedophile. Father Cipriano, call the police. BACCIAGALUPE: A decade too late.

SCENE #7 (My username hasn't worked. Same person, it's me just no underscores in the name, thanks) INT. MOM'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON SYRUS, his MOM, GEORGE, and TASHA all sit in a semi-circle waiting for JUNIOR to arrive. GEORGE: I don't think he's coming. TASHA: Maybe you shouldn't have called and warned him. Mom is shocked that George betrayed the group. GEORGE: What? He's my best friend! As the group starts to bicker Junior strolls in looking disheveled and hung over. GEORGE: See there's my boy. Mom rolls her eyes as George gets up to greet Junior. Syrus goes to stand as well. Mom motions for Syrus to stay seated. MOM (to Syrus): This isn't a homecoming, it's a choice for him to remain in our lives. SYRUS: What if he says no? I'm cut off from my brother? Though they're trying to be quiet Tasha overhears. TASHA: He won't. As George and Junior walk back to the broken semi-circle, Mom shoots a look of curiosity at Tasha. SYRUS: Hey! Junior! Syrus stands and hugs his brother as George takes his seat in the shadow of their brotherly embrace. Junior peers over his brothers shoulder. JUNIOR: Hey mom. Mom looks away trying to stave off the tears. The brothers part and Syrus takes his seat next to his mother. SYRUS: Mom, come on. She wipes her fingertips under her eyes to gently wick away the tears. MOM: Sit down Junior. JUNIOR: It's not necessary Mom. She glares over at Tasha before looking back at her son. MOM: And why's that? Junior looks at Tasha smiling, motioning for her to stand and join him. Looking back now at his Mom he has tears forming in his eyes. JUNIOR: I tried to get here as fast as I could and on my way over my agent called. My apartment was on fire and the cops were looking to question me. A uniformed officer takes a step into the room. JUNIOR: After I'm done with them, I have rehab and parenting classes to look forward to. Mom's jaw drops, Syrus stands back up with George and everyone but Mom is ecstatic. GEORGE: Hot damn! You're a daddy. SYRUS: I'm going to be an uncle? JUNIOR: Mom? Did you hear me?

SCENE 7 EX - OUT IN FRONT OF A LIBRARY - DAY GIRL - Okay babe, I'll see you in a few. I know I've been pretty MIA, just give till the end of my law finals. See ya Chuck. Girl kisses Tyler (30s, smart, successful, and an American heartthrob) and heads into the library. TYLER - Man, I really lucked out. Who would have thought I'd end up with Samantha Hamilton. Chuck - Yea, not everyone can say were captain of the womanizers, earning a list of conquests mile high, with very little difficulty throughout the entirety of their university career and still manage to end up with the dean's virgin, winner of The Acrobatic Gymnastics World Championship, future attorney general, and heir of over a 21.7 million dollar estate, daughter. Tyler and Chuck are walking along the sidewalk as they pass a Starbucks. The door opens and out come three beautiful young women (early 20s), scantily dressed in bikini tops and short shorts, carrying their iced lattes. Tyler holds the door open for them. TYLER - Ready for the beach ladies? The girls giggle. One winks at Tyler. GIRL - You're welcome to join us, if you'd life. Tyler raises an eyebrow and laughs shyly. The girls giggle as they step into their Jeep Wrangler. TYLER (to girl) - That sounds awfully nice of you. But we just only met - Girl grabs a pen from a random Starbuck's customer front shirt pocket, scribbles something on a napkin then slowly kisses it leaving a lipstick imprint on it. GIRL - Well here's to us having more than just met (handing Tyler the napkin with a number on it). Girl jumps into the jeep, her friends whistling and laughing. As they drive away, the girl shouts, GIRL - See you around the beach some time. Tyler, smirking, looks down at the number and the imprint, completely engrossed. THUD! Chuck catches the napkin before Tyler hits the ground face first. Chuck hands over the napkin along with the pen to the Starbuck's customer. CHUCK - I believe this belongs to you. Tyler tries to get back up but fails, Chuck helps him up. Tyler, holding the bruised side of his face in shock, stares at Chuck. CHUCK - I just care too much. Tyler nods in agreement and the two continue walking.

FEEDBACK #13: This is a nice quick read. The scene just created many questions in my mind about Jenni and Linda... and Barbara for seriously living with them. But I think the whole surprise characteristics is what you were going for. Very nice scene!

scene 8... very sketch comedy... very absurd INT. LIVING ROOM -NIGHT SARA and KATY walk in to find LORI hunkered on the couch watching TV. She looks like a junkie. Eyes sunken in and bloodshot, chapped lips, matted down hair. It's clear she has not left this couch in a while. Sara and Katy stand in front of the TV. Lori doesn't pay them any attention. Sara: (reading from a piece of paper) Lori, you mean so much to me, but I can't watch you go on like this. Every time you-- Lori: What's going on? Sara: Please let me finish. (reading) Every time you jump into a relationship-- Lori: Is this an intervention? Sara: It's a mentervention. Now please let me finish. Lori: Fine. Sara: (reading) Every time you jump into a relationship too quickly, you end up hurt and leaning on us, your friends, to pick up the pieces. We're expected to drop our lives for you, but when we need you you aren't there, because when you're with a guy, you don't call or answer our texts and that hurts. Katy? Katy: I think I did mine wrong. Sara: You can't do it wrong, if it's how you feel. Katy: (reading) Lori, you have a problem with mints. Lori: Did you say mints? Katy: See? I told you I did it wrong. Sara: It's OK, just replace the word mint with man. Katy: K. (reading) Whenever you put a... (she looks up and Sara nods encouragingly) man... in your mouth, but you don't ask me if I might like a... man... it really hurts my feelings. Sometimes my mouth is dry and a... man... on my tongue-- Sara: Thanks Katy, I think we get the gist of it. Lori: Did my sister put you up to this? Sara and Katy nod and we whip pan to a girl sitting in the corner of the room eating popcorn. Lori's Sister: When you're going through a break up you hog the TV and I can't watch Intervention. Sara, Katy and Lori all pull out pieces of paper. Sara: Speaking of that... Lori: Rachel, you've become addicted to watching Intervention-- Lori's Sister: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Feedback 7. I really like that scene. the way it is written Few moments though. First in the beginning set up is too descriptive. You can make it much shorter. Second, 3 players’ve got very good cards. It’s a rare combinations, so all or 2 of them are cheating. So you might play around and make some hints about that. Thank you very much. Good job.

SCENE CHALLENGE #9 INTERVENTION SCENE - DAY 7 An AA meeting is in progress in the community center of St. Peter's Church. A GROUP with a dozen or so alcoholics of various backgrounds and a FACILITATOR (male, late 30s) sit on folding chairs in a circle. Most drink coffee. Hesitantly, SID (27) enters. The facilitator motions to Sid to help himself at the coffee station and join the group. Sid goes to the coffee station and pours himself a cup of milk. Drinks it eagerly and tosses the cup in the trash. Then grabs an empty seat next to a pale-skinned, doe-eyed petite brunette, whose real name is SUSAN, 20s, and shyly admits to the group -- SUSAN/ANN: My name’s Ann and I’m an alcoholic. Sid looks around at the group. GROUP (more or less in unison): Hello, Ann. SUSAN/ANN: This will be my eighth month of sobriety. The group nod or smile approvingly. SUSAN/ANN (CONT’D): I discovered I was pregnant, and I knew I had to do something. So, I did, and last month, I had my son. He’s so beautiful. The best thing I ever did. CLAPS as Susan beams. FACILITATOR: Good for you, Ann. SUSAN/ANN (blush): I used to go to the afternoon meetings, but I think nights work better. She smiles, a little nervous. Looks over at Sid, who now realizes he’s up next. Panics at being in the spotlight -- SID: My name’s Sid. I don’t think I’m an alcoholic... The group disapproves. Catcalls. Among them is FRED. He’s eye candy, but ear noise. If he were equine, he’d look like a stallion and sound like a mule. The Facilitator bangs his hand on the back of a chair for attention. FACILITATOR: People! None of that. ALKY #1: He’s in denial. (to Sid) You’ve been an alcoholic since you took your first drink, brother. ALKY #2: We’ve all been in denial before. When he’s ready, he’ll realize. Fred chimes in, interrupting. FRED: First step is to admit you have a problem, and he ain’t even done that. ALKY #2: Aw, shut up, Fred. EXT. ST. PETER’S CHURCH - YARD - LATER Sid and Susan exit the AA meeting together. Curious -- SUSAN/ANN:Don’t let Fred bother you. SID: I won’t. Can I walk you home, Ann? SUSAN/ANN: I guess I should be honest with you. My real name's Susan. SID: While we're being honest, I guess I should tell you Fred used to be my brother-in-law before my ex kicked me out of the house leaving me homeless here.

SCENE 8 EXT: river bank near the wild forest Smudged Citroen C4 stopes near the sandy river bank. Behind it forest. There is Jeep Wrangler with opened doors and broken windows and beaten paint 150 feet away. In Citroen there is a family. Cherubic Tom (45),  his fat Wife Dorothy, podgy Vermont (10) and thin as a stick Daisy (12). DOROTHY: Congratulations, we’re fucking lost! No internet or telephone! Nothing! Children your father is an idiot!  TOM: Common, yes we lost! but look. What a nice place. only we hear! that is why we wanted to go in the country! to live wild!  VERMONT: Mom, I wanna eat! DOROTHY : Or my sweeties! (to husband) How you going to feed us here? Daisy tweaks Vermonth VERMONTMOM: Daisy tweaked  me!  DAISY: No I did not, lier VERMONT: I am mot lier, you are chicken TOM: Children shut up let’s go outside. Make fire and sausages! NOW! EVERYBODY OUT. Please. He comes out and everyone follow.  DOROTHY: I would never ever listen to you. GIVE ME the carpet I wanna lay down.  TOM: Would you take it by yourself? There is no room service here!  He moves to the river on the sandy beach. VERMONT and nagging wife follows him. DAISY moves to the JEEP TOM slaps himself and kills gadfly as huge as his little finger .  TOM : OUH what a pain! that mother fucker bites as hell!  DOROTHY look at that hypotoflies. VERMONTOh, Oh ah , it’s painfully bitten me !  He looks at the bite. It bleeds. as a small peace of flash was torn away. they all wave hands and slap each other. tens of huge flies fly back and forth as hawks around them. DAISY (crying from JEEP) PAP, MOM there are bones and skulls here  SHOT to the JEEP. inside there is skeleton on the front seat. ? SHOT behind the Jeep: 2 more SKELETONS Daisy cries and run to CITROEN.  TOM, Vermont and DOROTHY also run, from the beach to the car, screaming, waving hands and slapping their bodies. Hundreds flies attack them unsparingly. DOROTHY falls down and immediately she completely covered with hundreds flies . She rolls over furiously screaming and chucking as if gadfly got into her throat. TOM stops, moves to his wife but  turned back and run to the car.  DAISY, Vermont and TOM get to the car and sut doors. They yell and beat disorderly in flies that permeate into the car. In a moment they looked at DOROTHY’s body  covered with insects. VERMONT: Mom, mom, dad, do something, please, please DAISY: Shut up,SHUT UP Gadflies flies up from the body as a cloud and   whirl around the car. There is skeleton without any peace of meat left form DOROTHY  ALL TOGHETHER OR MY GOD DAISY Dad, drive away! NOW!  TOM starts the engine. Flies rush to the car. PUH, BA-BA-BAH Tiers burst.  One more attack and in the windows appeared small chips. One more attack and there are more cracks on the windows.  ALL TOGETHER SCREAMING 

Feedback #10: I thought this was well paced, a TV sitcom speed. It was funny and the setting was fun and friendly. You set the scene up clearly and had a legitimate emotional concern (Lori is emotionally selfish with her friends). That kind of hook really draws me in and keeps me going. I think the mint joke was hilarious. It'd be funny if Katy was like "...hurts my feelings... sometimes I- OK I can't do this I'm sorry". Really good vibe, build a few more scenes with these people and make a little pilot script, I say :)

Interesting situation and there is some depth to the characters. You've tried to use 'as' and 'like' correctly, but missed only because of some irregularities in informal English. Here's a site that might help; I've given you the page on articles as a place to start. The entire site is very useful. https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/540/01/