# SCENE 6 EXT. SUBWAY STATION TICKET HALL - AFTERNOON Rush hour is just beginning as we pick out DAVID (40s) and SIMON (30s) coming through the ticket barriers to exit the station. They’re both dressed like typical city workers, on their way home after a pretty forgettable day at the office. They cross the platform past a florist and David suddenly stops. DAVID: Shit I almost forgot! Simon watches with a knowing smile as David buys a bunch of cheap roses from a bucket. DAVID: Anniversary today. SIMON: Right. Got time for a quick drink for the road? INT. BAR - LATER David and Simon get comfortable in a booth. David puts the roses on the table. DAVID: You took a long lunch break today. SIMON: Oh yeah, I had to go check out a new apartment… He’s about to continue but David has pulled out his phone and is instantly distracted. DAVID: I’ve had this off all day…and now I’ve got 3 voice messages from Claire. SIMON: Doesn’t sound good. David puts the phone to his ear and we hear it connect to the message box. AUTOMATED VOICE: You have three new messages. First message, received today at 12.44 PM. Then we hear the odd indistinguishable sounds of scratching, rustling, what sound like footsteps. It’s a mess. DAVID: (Shaking his head) She’s always doing this. SIMON: Butt dial? DAVID: I get a dozen of these a week. David’s about to hang up when he hears a voice he recognises - he presses the phone to his ear. CLAIRE (ON PHONE): Oh you like my little dress do you? How about I keep it on while I let you fuck me… More indistinguishable sounds. David’s eyes narrow in confusion. Did he hear that right? He presses the phone even closer to his ear. But then— AUTOMATED VOICE: End of message…Next message…Received today…at 12.53 PM. Immediately we cut into the sounds of a couple in the midst of passionate sex. It’s so loud it even catches Simon’s attention. Embarrassed David presses the phone even closer. The sex gets louder and more frantic as it approaches climax. CLAIRE (ON PHONE): Oh yes! Yes! Y- AUTOMATED VOICE: End of message…Last message…Received today…at…12…59…PM. David’s eyes are wide, his face in shock as the slow robotic voice takes an age to finish its sentence. He’s on tenterhooks. The message begins. Close on David’s face, we hear more rustling and clothing noise, eventually broken by unmistakable voices. CLAIRE (ON PHONE): Oh God I needed that. SIMON (ON PHONE): Isn’t it your anniversary tonight? Phone pressed to his ear, David’s stunned face turns at Simon, who slowly begins to sense he’s in trouble. CLAIRE (ON PHONE): Yeah. SIMON (ON PHONE): Maybe you’ll get a nice surprise. CLAIRE (ON PHONE): I’ll get what I always get. A sad bunch of roses from the station. Pathetic. David’s gaze falls to the roses, looking very sad, on the table. We hold on them as we hear: CLAIRE (ON PHONE): You’ve got time for another one right? AUTOMATED VOICE: End of message. You have no new messages.

FEEDBACK #5 Woa! Great use of the prompt to deliver something risque, I won’t lie I had to google tenterhooks but aside from that the scene read smooth. The “knowing smile” and part where David mentions Simon’s long lunch clued me in way before the reveal. Honestly though I enjoyed that sense of knowing (or at least thinking I know) what’s next because it made me want to get to the end to see if I was correct, making the read that much smoother.

Scene #6: Neil Vidya INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT KYLE (mid-twenties) walks down an apartment hallway. He's carrying groceries. He stops. Door 702. With a mechanical precision, he puts down the groceries, pulls his key, opens and pushes the door open with his foot and scoops up the bags to walk in to... INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT ...his apartment. He kicks the door closed and puts the bags on the kitchen counter. He unloads his wallet, keys and phone, then calls up his voice mail on speakerphone. He begins packing frozen vegetables into the freezer almost too precisely, like a perfect game of Tetris. VOICE MAIL OPERATOR (over the phone) You have. Three. New. Messages. Kyle presses 1. VOICE MAIL OPERATOR First message. KELLY (over the phone) Kyle... I wanted to... I'll call you later. Click. VOICE MAIL OPERATOR Next message. KELLY You’re not picking up, and a text wouldn’t be... (beat) I did what you said. KYLE pauses. KELLY (CONT'D) (voice mail VO) I wrote out a huge pros and cons list on my whiteboard. Things weren't as bad as we thought, we were being shortsighted when we fought. The security, the safety, the averageness of it all, those were good things. KYLE (sotto) Averageness is good? Is that a word? KELLY (CONT'D) But it wasn't enough - the cons were full of things I wanted. Excitement, surprise, passion, sex... KYLE opens his hyper-organized fridge. We're talking color coded sticky notes. KELLY ...are these things that we had lost or never had. I don't want everything planned out all the time. I know you don't get it, but... KYLE (sotto, defensive) I'm exciting... He affixes a post-it note to a carton of milk as he puts it in. KELLY I just don't know how I feel. I will talk to you tonight. Bye. Click. Kyle finishes the groceries, puts a kettle on the stove and carefully pours a teaspoon of matcha green tea powder into a tea-bag, then gently places it in a cup, pulling the string gently to the side. VOICE MAIL Next message. Music is blaring; Kelly's at a bar. KELLY (drunk) Again? Where are you? I bet you're just trying to be a robot again... it's too 'inefficient' to feel sad, or any emotion, right? The kettle is starting to whistle. KELLY Well you know what, how's this for efficiency, I'm maximizing my drinks per hour to achieve peak drunk.... I'm having a great time with my girls, and yes, some guys. The kettle just starts to shriek. Kyle takes it and pours the a cup, eyeing the perfect height. He dips the bag and paces the apartment. KELLY Remember meeting new people? Fuck Netflix! Am I too loud... what? (to friends) It's Kyle, I'm telling him- I don't care! He needs to hear- MALE FRIEND Kyle, I'm sorry man. She'll call you back. OK? A beat. MALE FRIEND There's nobody here! KELLY (in bg) It's voice mail you idiot! MALE FRIEND Oh... I'm on a drunk voice mail to your ex? Glad this isn't super awkward! We hear laughing in the background. Kyle is deeply unimpressed. MALE FRIEND OK, well, bye ex! Click. VOICE OVER End of messages. To- Kyle picks up the phone and presses 3. VOICE OVER Message saved. Kyle hangs up, walks to the couch and flips on the TV, he stares at the Netflix queue for a second, takes a sip of tea as he bends to sit on the couch and- MAN'S CREAKY VOICE Well that sucked. KYLE (jumping) Woah! Kyle flies up off the couch and spits tea all over the coffee table, turning to see NATE (early twenties) covered in a blanket on his couch. KYLE Nate! You're still here? I nearly whipped this at your face! NATE (hungover) Be quiet... How are you even functional after last night... KYLE You're just waking up now? NATE ...and what a shitty way to wake up. Hearing you get dumped. KYLE There was no dumping. Wait - was she dumping me? NATE What do I know? Can I have that tea? KYLE You almost had it in your face... I'll pour another. Just stay... alive. KYLE walks to the stove. NATE I don't want to pry but... actually I do - why didn't you answer her calls? KYLE It's not working, she wants out, maybe I should let her go? NATE Oh man, you always do this martyr thing. Do you like her? KYLE Yeah. NATE Then call her back before look-at-me boy plays the rebound like Lebron. KYLE I don't know... it feels like there's a black hole in my stomach. NATE Yeah, that's love, big guy, so hook me up with la matcha, shoot her a text and let's crash the party. KYLE smiles at him. Nate vomits on the floor.

Feedback #2 This is a really great read! I will admit, though, that I was skimming the first time through, and thought David and Simon were a couple. For some reason that made the whole scene more interesting to me! Playing around with gender stereotypes and expectations can give more energy to scenes. Good use of the prompt!

This got stuck in the wrong place. Please ignore.

Feedback #5 Great pace. You introduced the characters quickly, and terms like "we pick out" give me a sense that I'm in capable hands with this writer. I think you've got a great plot, and there's an opportunity on the rewrite to kind of hide the intentions which will surprise us more. DAVID: Man today felt like it would never end. SIMON: I know what you mean. DAVID: Pshh... you took a 2 hour lunch, wish I was so lucky. Imbue character and history and the surprises will come stronger. I'd also recommen d a bit of punctuation to give character. "Oh God, I needed that." "Shit! I almost forgot!" Creative and interesting hooks here. Oh, and this line jarred me a bit: "Embarrassed David presses the phone even closer. " because you just said it's super loud, so would he really push it up against his ear? That would hurt! Maybe he first turns off speaker and then slams it against his ear? Then maybe Simon starts trying to distract him, sensing what's up and not being able to hear the phone. Just a few ideas!

SCENE #6 INT. ASIAN STYLE WOODEN TEMPLE - DAY A MONK addresses several men and women, all in seated yoga pose. Among the men, MICHAEL (35), looks in peace with himself and the world. MONK: You can now return to the outer world. I guarantee you that stress is out of your system. And remember, Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. My assistant will give you your phones. EXT. ROAD - DAY A 2008, brand new BMW drives through a road. INT. CAR - DAY Michel drives, he happily hums a song. His iPhone on a cradle. He taps on the screen. SIRI: You have fifty three voice mails. Taps on the screen. JONATHAN (VO): Michael. This is Jonathan. sorry to interrupt your retreat but this is urgent. It seems the deal with the Korean bank won't become a reality. They won't buy the company. I don't know what will happen. Call me. SIRI: Next message JONATHAN (VO): Mike, the shares plunged forty five percent. Can you believe it? They're down to seven seventy nine. Damn, there goes my pension fund. Call me. SIRI: Next message JONATHAN (VO): Mike, we need you here. The Dow lost nearly three hundred points. Call me. SIRI: Next message JONATHAN (VO): Mike, dammit. Call me. We're waiting for an answer from the U.S. Government. Hope they save the company. Call me, you know people over Washington, we need you. SIRI: Next message. JONATHAN (VO): Why you don't return my calls? The company has just announced a three point nine billion loss. Can you even imagine the number? The stock slid seven percent. Call me, our jobs are on the line. SIRI: Next message. JONATHAN (VO): Mike, we're going to have a meeting with the president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. We need you here. Call me. SIRI: Next message. JONATHAN (VO): Mike, neither the Fed nor Barclays will save us. Where the f' are you? SIRI: Next message. JONATHAN (VO): Thanks for nothing Mike. Lehman Brothers is history. we've just filled for bankruptcy protection. Don't even bother calling me. We're all fired. SIRI: Next message. MIKE: Stop. Play music. The Beatles' Across the Universe plays. EXT. ROAD - DAY The BMW drives through beautiful landscapes MIKE (VO): Jai Guru Deva OM. Nothing's gonna change my world. Nothing's gonna change my world.

I really enjoyed this, it was direct, fast and let the reader let off a bunch of stress too. Really cool, imagine placing it in the middle of a stressful piece, like the hypnotist scene in Office Space. Really cool, hope you develop this voice more.

SCENE #6: INT. BEDROOM – DAY The alarm BLARES. JON slams the alarm and stands up from the bed. His answering machine BEEPS as Jon slumbers over to answer it. He presses it, and a CHIME rings out. MACHINE: You have one new message. Machine BEEPS. BOSS (VO): Jon, where the fuck are you? Jon panics and looks at the alarm. It’s noon. JON: Shit! BOSS (VO): I let you go one time, but this is just inexcusable. I can’t let someone work in my company and not even show up. Jon sprints to his closet and fumbles with his suit. JON: No, don’t say what I think you’re going to say. BOSS (VO): I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to lay you off. Jon kneels on the floor and drops his suit. BOSS (VO): You can get your stuff and then you have to go. There’s just no other way around- Jon looks up and back at the machine. He walks back up while a VOICE whispers something into receiver. BOSS (VO): Oh, shit, I feel so awful. I didn’t know they found him dead. Jon’s eyes pop open. He turns around and sees his still body on the bed. He starts ascending and phasing through the ceiling. JON: God damn it.

I really love the actions you had Kyle do while making the text, and I also love how the boyfriend made the big news and he had some doubts about the consequences. However, I think that the stakes in this piece weren't at their max potential. Kyle doesn't really take "action" to stop her until Nate (which I think is a great confidant) tells him to crash the party. I also felt the first text message could have had some foreshadowing of the punch or revealed a bit about Kelly instead of just a quick note.

#FEEDBACK 12 Ha, I love the random twist at the end. The hard part is revealing that he's dead on the voicemail in a way that sounds authentic. The dialogue line you use ("Oh shit I feel awful..") feels a bit on the nose (is that how someone would really respond to that news?) but I can't come up with a better idea myself!

# FEEDBACK 13 A nice efficient read and the retreat is a great device to have him without a phone for a while. A few things don't quite work though. I can't help but feel that if things were really that bad, Jonathan would have tracked Mike down at the retreat and pulled him out. Also, Jonathan's messages as the only way to deliver the information is efficient but doesn't let the audience piece it together themselves. What if instead of Jonathan saying "we've all been fired" there's a message from Mike's bank manager saying "I'm sorry but there's a problem with your credit rating" or from a family member saying "Oh my God I'm watching the news, are you OK?" etc. A journalist trying to get an interview? There are lots of ways the story could have been revealed in a more fragmented way.

# FEEDBACK 14 I like how you visually convey Kyle's personality as a contrast to the voicemail messages - and how the scene ends with him going against this character type for a reason. I agree with Steven that Kyle's response to the messages could have been more dynamic.

Thanks for the great feedback - it's really interesting to hear how weaving in foreshadowing might have a negative effect on the story, I always thought it was good to put lots in, not take it out! :)

Good twist! With an ending like that I am drawn to read on. You start with a standard but interesting scene and show a nice twist, I would imagine this would become a script full of humorous twists. I agree, I think on your first draft you get the ideas down, but read the lines out loud and imagine the boss. What kind of guy is he? Is he gruff? Then: "Shit... shit Marianne, you couldn't have told me this before the call? Jesus... poor little hippie."

This is Feedback #8

GLG Scene #6 INT. LENNY’S OFFICE, ACME LIFE INSURANCE – DAY LENNY enters in a rush, struggling to open the door while smoking, carrying large and small suitcases. SECRETARY passes by. SECRETARY: Good thing you got here, Mr. Leonard. The client meeting is in four minutes. The Ogre said not to be late. LENNY: I’ll be right there. He sets one case down and the other on his desk, beside his wife’s sour-faced picture. He snuffs out his cigarette. The message light on the phone is flashing. Lenny looks at it, then Holga’s photo. He checks his watch, then puts the phone on speaker and dials. One RING SOUND, then: HOLGA: Who the hell is this? LENNY: Hi. It’s me. Lenny. HOLGA: Oh. You back from your “trip?” LENNY: It was a trip. A business trip. HOLGA: So you say. LENNY: It’s true. (checks watch) Look, I’ll be right home-- DIAL TONE. LENNY: --after the meeting. Oh, poop. She hung up on me. He hangs up. Secretary sticks her head in the door. SECRETARY: Three minutes. Mr. O’Grady says not to forget the contracts and the worksheets. LENNY: I’ve got ‘em. They’re in my suitcase. Secretary breezes away. Lenny checks his watch, punches the message button on the phone. BARBARA: (on tape) Hi. If this is “Lenny,” I think you’ve got my suitcase. Obviously, I got yours. My name is Barbara. Please call me right away. My number’s on the luggage tag. He pushes the pause button on the tape. LENNY: The contracts! Not the contracts! He opens the suitcase, hands shaking. Just a heap of rumpled women’s clothes. He slams the lid. LENNY: Oh, no! SECRETARY: (entering) Show time, Lenny! Let’s go. LENNY: But the contracts! I don’t have the contracts. SECRETARY: Tough beans. Mr. O’Grady wants you in the meeting, now. Move it. She whisks him out the door, still protesting. THIRTY MINUTES LATER BY THE CLOCK Mr. O’Grady’s yelling echos down the corridor, O.C. Holga enters. She paces, then pulls out a cigarette package. Empty. She checks her purse and the desk drawer. Nothing. She opens the lid on the suitcase. She stares, grasps a piece of clothing and lifts it high with thumb and forefinger. It’s a thong. She drops it, then sees the message light flashing and pushes Play. BARBARA: (on tape) Listen, Lenny, I really need my underwear. I’m sorry our stuff got mixed up, but please, please call me back right away. Eight oh five, five five five-- Holga shoves the phone off the desk onto the floor, and leaves, muttering. HOLGA: I knew you were up to something, you son of a bitch! I just knew it. O.C., Mr. O’Grady’s yelling stops. After a few moments of silence, Lenny enters. He looks thoroughly trounced. SECRETARY: (O.C.) You only have five minutes, Mr. Leonard. Better go pee and get back in there; you’re in enough trouble already. Lenny sees the phone on the floor. Puzzled, he sets it back on the desk. The message light is on. He presses Play. MAN'S VOICE: (on tape) Lissen, pendejo, I just found your clothes in my girl’s place. She sez she picked ‘em up at the airport, but she has no business bein’ at the airport. I think she’s been screwin’ you. I’m comin’ over there to put you out of the screwin’ business, permanento, you know whut I mean? Frantic, Lenny reads the luggage tag and calls the number. RING SOUND, over and over. He collapses into his chair, still listening to the phone RING at Mungo and Barbara’s. He reaches over and hangs up. The secretary sticks her head in. SECRETARY: You’d better have those papers in the meeting in two minutes, or your ass is grass, Mr. Leonard. The Ogre is talking discharge. She leaves. The phone rings. Lenny lets it ring. The answer machine picks up. ANSWER MACHINE: Leonard Leonard isn’t in. Please leave a message. HOLGA: (on phone) Leonard, you worm, I’m leaving you and I’m going to sue your ass to infinity and beyond, till you’ll wish you were never spawned. SLAM. DIAL TONE. SECRETARY: (on intercom) Mr. Leonard, you have a visitor in the… No, wait, he’s on his way up.

FEEDBACK #6 Steven, I like the twist at the end. Although I agree with Adam's comment where the boss says he doesn't realize and feels bad Jon's dead is "on the nose," I do note this is meant to be just one scene among others, so for purposes of this exercise, I don't know how else you do it. Probably IRL, you'd cut to the office where someone brings in a newspaper article to the boss bringing the report on Jon's death (which could have some interesting facet to it) to show it rather than say it, and eliminate the "on the nose" problem altogether. I assume this is meant to be a revenge of the dead employee story?

SCENE #6 INT. JUNIOR'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON The luxury high rise apartment is contrasted by dirty clothes, half eaten food, and an array of liquor bottles strewn about. JUNIOR is sleeping on the couch with trash all around him, he's too young to be jaded, too old to be living so reckless. The buzz from his vibrating cell phone starts to wake the young actor. With eyes still closed he tries to fetch the phone from the crevices of the couch. After a moment the vibrating stops, soon the buzz starts again. JUNIOR: Son of a bitch! With all the rage his hungover body can muster, Junior stands up and throws the couch cushions away to find the phone. He goes to answer the restricted call. JUNIOR: Hello? The phone beeps. He's missed the call but notices two new voice mail. As he signs into his voice mail a third new message arrives. He presses play on the first message the contact reads - BROTHER. SYRUS (V.O.): Junior, it's Syrus. I'm in town for the day thought maybe we could catch up. JUNIOR: Screw that. He goes to delete the message but decides to let it play out. SYRUS (V.O.): It's been too long baby brother, Mom's worried...just give me a call back when you get this. Junior grabs a pack of menthol's that was just resting on top of some garbage. He digs in the back of the couch and pulls out a lighter. Cigarette dangling from his lip, Junior struggles with the child proofing before finally lighting up. He presses the next message where the contact reads - MOM. MOM (V.O.): Hey Junior just calling to check in. Syrus just called and said he's in town, I'd love to catch up with you both, maybe grab something to eat...or just some coffee at my place? Call me when you get this, I love you. The message ends as the next one pops up, this one reads - RESTRICTED. JUNIOR (pissed): Thanks Sy. GREG (V.O.): Yo J, your mom and brother just called me. Just givin' you a heads up, they're doing an intervention at your mom's place. Don't tell them I warned ya. Shit, she got coffee and doughnuts so I'll prolly see ya there, later. Junior throws his cigarette in anger. JUNIOR: Ahhh! He grabs some boots and a sweatshirt, he grabs his keys and some cash before storming out of his apartment, slamming the door behind him. The lit cigarette starts to smolder among the trash turning into smoke. Smoke detector starts beeping it's warning with no one there to hear it. Fire catches.

The fact that you took David and Simon for a couple makes me wonder if a new stereotype is already in play. You're right, though, the scene is a good read and uses the prompt quite well. I particularly like the ending: "You have no new messages." Looks like he doesn't need any more messages!

GLG Feedback #10 +/- It's a solid piece. If a line can only be identified as foreshadowing in retrospect, if it doesn't raise an immediate, obvious flag in the mind of the average viewer*, it's probably okay. Here, the full import of the long lunch doesn't hit until the first message is being played, and we learn that funchtime zizipompom is involved. The line "You took a two hour lunch break today" sticks out, though, so you might want to cover it, either as Neil suggests, or by: DAVID: You missed the one o'clock meeting today. SIMON: Yeah, I got back after they'd already started and said, 'screw it.' Did I miss anything? DAVID: Nah. (Pulls out phone..) * Wesley is NOT an average viewer.

Feedback #11, maybe 12 BOSS (VO): Oh, shit, I feel so awful. I didn’t know they found him dead. If they found him dead, they'd have taken him to the morgue, and his body would be on a slab/gurney, not his bed, yes?

Scene #6 OVER BLACK A phone alarm sings its annoyingly cheerful ditty. A pause. INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM - MID-MORNING The chime starts anew. A WOMAN’S HAND reaches back behind an otherwise prone figure. Soft light streams through cheap blinds into the room. The hand blindly fumbles for the chirping SMARTPHONE on the bedside table. ALICE, mid-20’s, rolls over with a groan and snatches the phone. The alarm stops. Hair jostled, eyes bleary. Alice rolls back onto her face and lets out an exasperated groan. INT. APARTMENT BATHROOM - SAME Alice pees in her cramped bathroom. Still peeing, she grabs her phone off the laminate bathroom counter and unlocks it with a swipe. A NOTIFICATION pops up: “Missed Calls (3) - Mike (Work). Voicemail.” She stares at the words for beat, trying to decide her next move. She locks the phone and put it back on the counter. INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Alice, now made up, dressed in a dark navy skirt suit and phone in hand, grabs her keys and purse from the back of an IKEA dining room chair. In stocking-ed feet, she treads across the carpet and slips into her heels by the door. She grabs a pair of earbuds from out of her purse and plugs them into her phone. At the doorway, Alice stops and unlocks her phone. NOTIFICATION: “Missed Calls (3) - Mike (Work). Voicemail.” She taps the PHONE ICON and then the voicemail PLAY BUTTON. INT. APARTMENT ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER Alice stands in the yellow light of a small elevator, listening to the message on her earbuds. MIKE: (on phone) Hey, you. I couldn’t sleep. I started to type this out in a text, but I’m not sure I can find all the words and I wanted to say this to you now while I’m still brave enough to say it. As Alice listens, her brow creases deeper and deeper. The elevator stops in the lobby. She steps out with a look around as if to ensure that no one can hear the message but her. EXT. CITY STREET - MOMENTS LATER Alice joins the mid-morning walking commute on the sidewalk. Anonymous business-people ebb and flow around her. MIKE: (continuing) Last year when you started at the firm, I knew I soon as I saw you that---well, I knew I wasn’t going to hate being a lawyer anymore. I mean. I think I still probably hate being a lawyer. A BUSINESS-JERK bumps rudely past Alice as she waits for the “walk” sign on a street corner among the crowd. MIKE: (continuing) I think we all hate being lawyers. But I get to see you every day. The hours suck, but we get to spend a lot of those hours together. That sucks less. Alice’s walk has taken her away from the crowd and down a mostly empty side street. The glare of the morning shine makes Alice squirm slightly. The next voicemail starts up. MIKE: (on phone) We both said it last night, but we were both drunk. I’ll say it again. I love you. Alice darts into an alley and vomits. Down the way, a HOMELESS MAN stirs in the darkness. Alice sees him, wipes her mouth and retreats back to the street. EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER Alice arrives at her office building, a modern skyscraper, and walks through the giant gleaming glass doors. MIKE: (continuing) I’m telling Marissa tonight after work. I couldn’t last night. I couldn’t even face her. INT. OFFICE BUILDING HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER The last voicemail begins. MIKE: (on phone) Come by my office as soon as you get in. We need to talk. Alice strides angrily down a long hallway towards a closed office door at the end of the hall. MARK: (continuing) I love you. I can’t believe how much I love you. She knocks once and swings the door open.

Scene #3 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT SIMON (30s) walks into his apartment. He’s carrying a baguette and a bottle of wine. He throws down his keys and takes out his phone. Puts it on speaker. AUTOMATED MESSAGE: You have five new voice messages. He opens the bottle of wine with a flourish. He smells the wine - divine! AUTOMATED MESSAGE: First message. JULIE (VO): Hey Simon. Something has come up at work. Probably won’t be home for dinner so eat without me. Lots of love babe! SIMON: Oh poor thing. Jules you’re working too hard! AUTOMATED MESSAGE: End of message. To save this message, press six. To delete press seven - Simon presses a number. AUTOMATED MESSAGE: Message deleted. Next message. JULIE (VO): Hi babe. I can’t wait to see you. I’m not wearing any underwear. But you probably know that from the photo I sent you. SIMON: Photo? JULIE (VO): I’m looking forward to tonight my naughty boy. I just told Simon I was working late so we have the whole night. SIMON: Come again? JULIE (VO): Hold on. You’re texting me. AUTOMATED MESSAGE: End of message. To save this message - Simon presses a number. AUTOMATED MESSAGE: Message saved. Next message. JULIE (VO): Simon, babe, my phone seems to be acting really weird. It’s like dialing wrong numbers and leaving weird messages. I’m going to try texting. Lots of love! AUTOMATED MESSAGE: End of message. To save this message - Simon presses a number. Takes a sip of wine straight from the bottle. AUTOMATED MESSAGE: Message saved. Next message JULIE (VO): Fuck. You never respond to your text messages! Ok. You know what? I’m just going to say it. I’m having an affair with Dave. From work. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. Simon starts to guzzle the wine. JULIE (VO): I wanted to tell you before the our wedding planning. But then when we booked our honeymoon to Mexico I thought, “I could make this work with Simon.” Fuck. Dave’s on his way. I’m going to break up with him. We can make this work. Lots of love. AUTOMATED MESSAGE: End of message. To save this message - Simon presses a number. Sits down at the dining room table and starts to eat the baguette. AUTOMATED MESSAGE: Message saved. JULIE (VO): Hey Simon. I just talked with Dave. He, um, … he loves me. Which is … great. For me. Not you. And, um … I am sorry. I am so sorry. I can’t get married to you. DAVE (VO): This calls for champagne! JULIE (VO): Sssshhh! I’m talking to Simon. DAVE (VO): Is he on the phone? Let me have that. JULIE (VO): No I’m - DAVE (VO): - Hey Simon it’s Dave Barrington. We met at the Christmas Party. Simon? I think he hung up babe. AUTOMATED MESSAGE: End of message. To save this message press six. To delete press seven. Simon leans forward, placing his head on the table. AUTOMATED MESSAGE: To repeat message options, press pound. Simon throws his phone across the room.

SCENE 6 INT - APARTMENT - EVENING Monica Hildebrand (early 30s, beautiful, successful) is seen squirming out of her apartment floor elevator to her door when she's ambushed by her nosey elderly next door neighbour, Mrs. Kravitz. MRS. KRAVITZ - Well hello there dear - Mrs. Kravitz draws in her eyebrows investigating as Monica attempts her best at patiently standing upright. MRS. KRAVITZ - Dear, I'm sure there are washrooms in that big ol' company you work in. They pay you so much that you can afford to live here, I'm sure they must have washrooms. Monica forces a smile and then fumbles with her keys to get out her apartment key. MRS. KRAVITZ - You know, I heard the other day that holding in your business can cause cancer. They used some fancy terms but they were basically saying you can get pee cancer. MONICA - Thank you Mrs. Kravitz, I'll be sure to remember that. Monica manages to get her door unlocked and is walking in as Mrs. Kravitz trails behind her. MRS. KRAVITZ (O.S.)- You know, there was a panelist of highly credible doctors. I forget their names now. But they all agreed. MONICA - uh huh, yep. I'm sure they were. Okay Mrs. Kravitz, it was lovely seeing you yet again on my way home from work. I'm sure we'll meet again same time tomorrow. Good-night. Monica closes the door in Mrs. Kravitz's face. Mrs. Kravitz's voice can be heard trailing off. She drops her things and reaches for her something on the side table next to her. She feels around but can't find it MONICA - I swear I left it here- Monica looks across the room and walks over to her hairbrush on the sofa. She grabs it and immediately inserts it into her pants and begins brushing wildly. MONICA - Ahh. Eight and half more hours to go. Eight and a half more hours to go. Monica's phone begins to ring. Her phone screen reads "Mrs. Kravitz". She rolls her eyes, puts her phone on silent, and lays on the sofa to get a better angle. She realizes there are some things out of place and missing around the living room. MONICA - (confused) What the? Monica investigates further when she sees she's missed a call from her gynecologist. AUTOMATED MESSAGE - You have two new messages. Message one MRS. KRAVITZ (ON PHONE) - Hello dear, this is Mrs. Kravitz your next door neighbour, apartment 22B. I was just talking to you when you got off the elevator. You shut the door so quickly you never gave me a chance to tell you I'm available anytime if you need any more help moving. Monica stops dead in her tracks. MRS. KRAVITZ (ON PHONE - CON'T) - I had a lovely chat with that dashing boyfriend of yours, Justin. He and his sister were out here earlier helping you move out some of your things. MONICA - (massaging her temples, under her breath) of all the days… MRS. KRAVITZ (ON PHONE - CON'T) - Such nice people. And the sister was quite the looker. I couldn't keep my eyes off that luscious black hair. MONICA - (eyes closed, annoyed) Betty! MRS. KRAVITZ (ON PHONE - CON'T) Anyway dear, I'm right next door, apartment 22B if you need anything. AUTOMATED MESSAGE - End of message one. Message two. DR. LAHIRI (ON PHONE) - Hi Monica, hope you're doing well. Well I know you're not, which is why I'm calling you. I'm calling to let you know we're going to have to postpone our appointment tomorrow morning. I've been called in on an emergency c-section. Monica -No, no! Please, no! DR. LAHIRI (ON PHONE - CON'T) - I know that yeast infection has probably inflamed by, like, a gazillion times. Just take lots of hot oatmeal baths to soothe yourself until we reschedule for next week. Happy soaking, bye! Angry, Monica storms into the bathroom and slams the door. A bath being drawn is heard. Monica is seen wearing a towel, hair dripping, bent over the tub cleaning out oatmeal and other dark residue. Her phone rings in the background. MONICA - I'm coming! Monica rushes out the bathroom but is too late. With one hand full of dark residue, she uses her free hand to play the message. AUTOMATED MESSAGE - You have one message. Message one. BOB (ON PHONE) - Ey! Ms Hildebrand, this is Bob, your super. Bob's real sorry he couldn't call you earlier. Bob got a little busy tryna get Miss Reggie's number from the diner down the street. Bob didn't think it'd take too long, but when she makes you dig around in three dumpsters, it takes awhile. Anyway, don't use your hot water for the next few days. Maintenance is coming in to fix the tank. We found a family of dead rats in the boiler. So unless you enjoy rat stew, I'd stick to cold agua only.

FEEDBACK #12: The scene could have gone many ways, I think that's why I wanted to read it to the end, to see what end you picked for it. I mean Mike could have lost all the enlightenment he gained in those moments. I like how he disregards the calls. Nice read!

feedback 9 Yes! I loved the twist. Are these separate messages? If so I'd make to clarify that by having beeps between. If not, you should consider it. I think it'd be funny if his boss keeps calling and saying who it is even though it would obviously be him if he keeps calling. Play with it. Maybe he does it different every time. "Jon, Barry..." "J-dude, it's Bare the boss man, bad news..." "so basically you're fired, this is Barry by the way." etc!

MHBarcus, Those are some phone calls to Alice! I think her throwing up makes sense since we know from one of the messages that she and Mike got drunk last night, and she's feeling pretty hungover, so it's probably good to have that information in the call. (I would "buy" her throwing up less if it was simply a reaction to Mike's saying he loved her, no matter what the circumstances might be with Marissa or the firm.) One suggestion would be to to omit the bathroom scene altogether. It doesn't add anything. If you kept it, I'd have her puking instead of peeing in keeping with the hangover thing. JMHO.

FEEDBACK No. 6 Really liked it. While there was a lot going on, I thought you achieved a good balance. I think you should have introduced the jealous boyfriend much earlier and slowly escalate the situation. Make him the physical representation that something bad was going to happen to Lenny.

SCENE No. 6 INT. UNS GUARDIAN - OFFICER'S MESS The officers sit at the table. Since there are a few officer rotations. Not everyone has a seat. Hamahona and Shiro stand behind Karda. A starmap of the Guardian's location and its trajectory to another point in space. KARDA: At 0300 our time, we intercepted batch communications from the Courage. The room murmurs. KARDA: As you were. Yes, we are are to assume the ship has been destroyed and we are racing to its last known location where we will be joined by four other ships. Commander Shiro? SHIRO: We will play the officer's entries leading up to when the batch was sent. We only have the audio at this point, the video was lost in transmission. Shiro touches the table. SHIRO: The voice you hear is the Courage's captain, Demonde Rabi. DEMONDE (O.S.): We have dispatched an MRF team to get a closer look. Information sent back by the drones indicate this isn't a naturally-occurring object. I have to say, we are a little excited about what this means. Everyone already has questions, but a look from Karda suspends further inquiries until the briefing has finished. DEMONDE (O.S.): The MRF has breached the object. It doesn't have a power source we can detect. Commander Mikos sent images of the interior. It's constructed. This is it. We're-- wait-- something happened... Our comm systems is suffering a failure. We can't relay the images. (Get on that now! Quit standing around!) Sorry-- short-- back. KARDA: The Courage encountered an object... a ship of unknown origin. It's four times as long as the Wisdom-- WALEEDA: Shit. Karda stares down Waleeda. KARDA: As I was saying. No power system was detected and it was in a small drift. Karda nods at Shiro SHIRO: The next voice is of Commander Mikos. MIKOS (O.S.): We have no life readings. The walls seemed more carved than engineered-- What? Wait... what was that? ... ... (whispers) There's something moving ahead we're advancing on it-- There's a loud crash. Guns firing. Men and women screaming. MIKOS (O.S.) (con't): FALL BACK! FALL BACK ON OUR ORIGINAL-- SHIRO: Nothing else was recorded to audio until the final seconds before the batch was sent. DEMONDE (O.S.): There's -- alive on the ship. It has -- over half of the crew. We were able to -- it back. We have no means to -- it, if it... wait... it's here... right in front --