Scene #4 EXT. COURTHOUSE - MIDDAY RACHEL and MEGAN burst out of the courthouse. Rachel, late 20’s, wears a tailored suit and professional-height heels. Megan, early 20’s, wears jeans and a flannel. They stroll confidently into the bright day, side-by-side away from the building and towards the parking lot. RACHEL: The judge will have the order finalized this afternoon. You’re safe now. MEGAN: I’ll feel safe when I’m out of this town and back home. RACHEL: We’ll get you there. We track along as they continue to walk towards Rachel’s new-ish sedan, past a row of parked police cars. They continue, but we stop and see OFFICER sitting his car, large aviator-style sunglasses covering half of his face. INT. POLICE CRUISER - SAME Officer watches Rachel and Megan pass. He reaches past his radio and picks up a CELLPHONE from the passenger seat. He quickly types out “Found her” and presses send to an unknown recipient who responds “Bring her to me.” Officer fires up the cruiser. INT. RACHEL’S CAR - SAME Rachel and Megan hop into her car. Rachel tosses her PURSE into the backseat and turns the KEY. The car doesn’t start. RACHEL: I hate this car. Through the passenger-side window we see Officer’s CRUISER backing out of its parking spot off in the distance. Rachel turns the KEY again. Nothing. CRUISER starts towards them. RACHEL: Oh come on. She turns the KEY again. Success. The CENTER CONSOLE SCREEN chimes, indicating “BLUETOOTH CONNECTED: RACHEL’S PHONE.” Rachel grabs the shifter to put the car into reverse. Megan puts her hand on top of Rachel’s, stopping her. They look at each other for a beat. Megan trembles slightly. The POLICE CRUISER looms closer through Megan’s window. MEGAN: I didn’t think I’d ever be free of this. I didn’t think I’d ever go home again. I didn’t . . . Megan stops and looks out her window. Through it, we see the CRUISER is almost to them. RACHEL: Jackson can’t touch you now. He can’t call you. He can’t call your family. He can’t contact you or anyone you know on social media to tell them what you . . . to try and hurt you. He can’t blackmail you anymore. Megan still can’t bring herself to look back at Rachel. Past her, we see the CRUISER rolling up behind them. Rachel moves her hand out from under Megan’s and turns it over. She gives Megan’s hand a squeeze and releases, re-gripping the shifter. She checks her rearview mirror and sees her path now blocked by OFFICER’S empty cruiser. RACHEL: What--- RAP RAP RAP. Officer knocks on Rachel’s window, startling her and Megan. OFFICER (through the window): Rachel Clayton? RACHEL (rolling it down): Yes? OFFICER: District Attorney Stevens asked us to bring you in. He’s been attacked by someone he thinks may target you next. RACHEL: What?! Is Ben okay?! OFFICER: D.A. Stevens is alive, but in serious condition. He’s at St. Joseph’s now. He’s safe, but he knew you were in court and insisted--- RACHEL: What happened to him?! OFFICER: Ma’am, please just come with me to the station. I can radio in on the way and they’ll let him know you’re safe. Rachel can’t take in all this news at once. Megan grabs her arm. MEGAN: Go. RACHEL: I can’t just--- MEGAN: I’ll drive your car back to your place and wait for you there. Ben needs you. (to Officer) Thank you, officer. Rachel nods and they exit her car. Rachel grabs her purse out of the backseat and embraces Megan. RACHEL: I’ll call you as soon as I know what’s going on. Officer ushers Rachel into the backseat of the cruiser. Megan gets behind the wheel of Rachel’s still-running car. In the rearview mirror she sees Rachel sitting in stunned silence. Officer gets into the cruiser’s driver seat. The car chimes. CENTER CONSOLE SCREEN shows “INCOMING BLUETOOTH CALL - BEN”. Megan goes to press the answer button, but before she can the screen reads “CALL SENT TO VOICEMAIL - BLUETOOTH CONNECTION LOST”. She looks back into the rearview mirror. They are gone.

#SCENE 4 EXT. OLIVE GARDEN PARKING LOT - DAY (1998) We can hear the argument inside the car even before the engine’s switched off. Once it is off, the raised (but indistinguishable) voices of a man and a woman get louder still. It’s only when the doors fling open do we get to hear the conversation between RACHEL (late 20s, 90s haircut) and ED (40s, dressing younger than he should) in full flow. They’re married, but her youth and his plainness suggest Ed’s wallet is his most attractive feature. Or at least, it was. Times have been tough. They march across the car park towards the restaurant. RACHEL: I just can’t believe you’re actually thinking about doing this! ED: It’s just a meeting honey. Just a meeting. RACHEL: That’s what you said about the other meetings. And now we’re nearly broke! ED: Honey, I’m getting a really positive vibe from these guys. I think these might be the one— RACHEL: (Spinning around) I don’t care if they hand you a billion dollars in gold bullion! Look, I’m here, I’m supporting you, but before we go in there, make sure you’re clear about this one point. (She is pointing her fingers in his face now). You are *not* blowing our daughter’s college fund on another gamble. Do you understand me? ED: Honey it’s not gambling, it’s invest— RACHEL: You won’t have a penny left to invest once I’ve divorced the hell out of you. We’re going to do this meeting, we’re going to be polite. But then you’re going to say NO. And our daughter gets to go to college. Understand? INT. RESTAURANT - MOMENTS LATER ED and RACHEL enter and a waiter points them to a table, where two men are waiting. ED:(Beaming) Fellas, I’m sorry we’re late! Rachel looks less than impressed when she sees who they’re meeting. Two skinny kids - they look like teenagers to her. Both of them have frizzy hair and t-shirts that are too big for them. Both socially awkward on first pass. LARRY: I’m Larry, we spoke on the phone. This is my partner Sergey. Hands are shaken and they all sit. A waiter pours some drinks. ED (CONT’D): So fellas, tell me all about your company! I’m intrigued. LARRY: First of all, Mr Donahue, I just want to say how grateful we are that you agreed to meet with us. We’re really confident you’re going to love our product. A roll of the eyes from Rachel. ED: So tell me fellas! What is it? LARRY: It’s called Google. ED: (Confused) The Google? LARRY: No, just Google. RACHEL: (Unimpressed) Google. LARRY: (With gusto) And our mission is to organise the world’s information and make it universally accessible. A beat. ED: So what is it, like a CD-ROM? CD-ROMs are hot right now. I had a chance to invest in Encyclopaedia Britannica a few years back, passed it by. Such an idiot! LARRY: Err, no, it’s not a CD-ROM. It’s on the Internet. Ed does his best not to sound confused. ED: Very interesting. We’ve just got the Internet haven’t we honey? It’s really great. SERGEY: But it’s too big, already it’s the size of countless CD-ROMs. ED: (Unconvincing) Yeah, so big. SERGEY: But who organises all that information? ED: (Guessing) Umm, is it the government or something? LARRY: (Leaning in) We do, Mr Donahue. That’s our business. Look, let me cut to the chase. We’ve got something that’s going to revolutionise the world wide web, but we need some capital to make sure our servers can work at full capacity before we launch. One hundred thousand dollars Mr Donahue— RACHEL: Oh Jesus Christ.. LARRY: One hundred thousand dollars, for 10 percent of the company. RACHEL: I’m sorry but you kids are nuts. Ed, come on. You’ll be better off giving it all to Steve. SERGEY: Steve? The Macintosh guy? Don’t waste your time with him. That company’s going nowhere. ED: (Embarrassed) We’re not investing in him, he’s just a friend of a friend. But look, fellas, I’d love to help, I really would (glances at a steely eyed Rachel) but…a hundred grand…it’s a lot to ask. LARRY: Mr Donahue. Our algorithms, they search websites in a way that has never been done before. It’s going to change the way people search for things on the internet. This is going to be a multi-billion dollar industry. Five years from now, you can build 10 Olive Gardens in your own damn garden. Rachel sees that Ed’s eyes have lit up at the big numbers on the table. RACHEL: Excuse me gentlemen, can I have a quick word with my husband? She pulls Ed up and to an alcove nearby. ED: Did you hear that honey? Multibillion dollar industry! RACHEL: Are you insane? We are *this* close to bankruptcy and you want to spend our last savings on the goddam yellow pages! ED: Honey, I — RACHEL: I swear, you buy these two geeks more than a diet coke and you will be sleeping in a motel tonight. Ed looks ruefully over at the table.

#FEEDBACK 7 Psyched to see more episodes of this story! You use the prompt really well and I genuinely felt some tension particularly when we understand Megan thinks she's finally found freedom. Like with your last scene in this story I wonder whether the scene's climax could have been more dramatic than it is. I was waiting for the cruiser to ram them from behind or follow them..a tap on the window felt a bit anticlimactic. But then, I can imagine the scene developing a lot more beyond this.

Sean Patrick O'Brien Scene #4 EXT. LAKE - NIGHT A floor lamp lights a sign reading LAKE SEMINOLE, MIAMI, FL with the cheesy tagline “Too much fun, and a whole ‘lotta sun”. EXT. BACKYARD - LAKE HOUSE - MIAMI, FLORIDA - NIGHT The interior of the house is lit with a few friends, drinking, laughing. Behind us there is rustling in the grass. Someone in the back yard. INT. LIVING ROOM - LAKE HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER A roar envelopes the living room as SHAYNA (late 20’s, gorgeous blonde in pajamas) is forced to chug the rest of her beer. There is weed, blunt wraps, and a small bong rounding out the table of contents. Shayna burps. TIBOR (O.C.) That’s my girl. Come on, down the hatch. Quit stalling, Git ‘r done. Filling out the drinking game called Chandeliers is TEVIN (late 20’s, black, former college baseball player) with his one size too small t-shirt, and alligator tooth necklace. TIBOR (Late 20’s, tall-dark-handsome Euro) in his custom teddy-bear onesy pajamas... And finally, JESSIE (Early 20’s, Latin brunette, unassuming), normally a shy one, but well... Alcohol. EXT. BACKYARD - LAKE HOUSE - NIGHT Resting on the diving board, facing towards the house, we hear something slip into the water. INT. LIVING ROOM - LAKE HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Shayna takes a deep breath and finishes the beer, much to the delight of her fellow three. Jessie howls in delight before taking off her shirt, revealing a black satin bra. TEVIN Now it’s a party. Jessie, officially hammered, slithers over to Shayna and plants a wet one smack dab on her lips. Shayna, caught by surprise, plays along. TIBOR I think, now it’s a party. TEVIN Let’s go swimming. EXT. BACKYARD - LAKE HOUSE - MIAMI, FLORIDA We’re focused on a hole in the fence in the backyard. The sound of the back door opens. TEVIN (O.S.) You don’t need a bathing suit y’all! Let’s go it’s nice as fuck out! The door closes. Tevin saunters over to the pool area, now in only boxers and his necklace. At a nearby pillar, he flips a switch for the pool lights. Nothing. After a few tries, he gives up. He heads to the diving board. Sets. Dives. INT. POOL - UNDERWATER - NIGHT The pool is dark, the only faint light eminating from a backyard light. Tevin swims mere feet above and past a sizeable Alligator, who may or may not see Tevin. EXT. LAKE - NIGHT Moving away from the Lake Seminole sign, we see another sign. It’s an Alligator warning sign instructing people on the lake to always check their pool before entering and check backyard fences for breaches. INT. POOL - UNDERWATER - NIGHT The alligator, once mannequin, now moves for the first time. Tevin hears shouting coming from above the water. As he reaches the surface near the stairs, he hears Tibor. TIBOR (O.S.) Tevin, be very calm, and don’t splash. I want you to calmly- Don’t turn around, don’t turn around. TEVIN Fuck me. From behind Tevin the head and back of the alligator breaches the surface, lurking behind him. TIBOR (O.S.) Okay, listen. I want you to slowly, drift towards the- TEVIN (interrupting) FUCK THIS! Tevin moves as fast as humanly possible, reaching the stairs and jumping out as the Alligator growls from the stairs. The two drunk friends peddle back, laughing wildly. TIBOR & TEVIN (in unison) Now it’s a party.

Thanks for the kind words. There's definitely more room in the climax, but I've held off because this really is just one scene in a story in progress. But your point is well-taken and I think with the next prompt I'll try to twist the ending to amp up the climax since this is a scene-by-scene project.

Feedback #4 Well written and small good laughs. One thought: The audience knows more than the characters in this scene, but I'm not sure you're giving the audience enough credit. Even in the 90s, I don't think the audience is going to believe that the founders of Google Sergey Brin and Larry Page were trying to lock up $100k in financing in t-shirts at the Olive Garden. If you give the audience more credit and set the scene more realistically you might find even more organic laughs from what could be a very funny scene.

FEEDBACK #8 The tension is palpable, and the use of the phone device to both plant and reveal work well. The only issue is how easy it is for the Police Officer to manipulate the situation in his favor. There's no push back from Rachel or Megan. If Megan knows Rachel has just been saved from someone who has tried to harm her, and it's clear they are in a rush to get away, why wouldn't Megan offer to drive Rachel to the Hospital? It's clear that she doesn't have anything important to do at that time as she tells Rachel she will simply go back to her house and wait for her. It was the only hang up I had. Perhaps Megan can suggest calling the hospital, or calling Ben before the Officer persuades her otherwise, just to make the villain work for it.

Excellent point. I'm asking the audience to give the officer's natural authority a lot of weight.

Feedback #5 Good foreshadowing with Tevin's necklace. One issue I had was with the motivation. Tevin, having just seen Jessie and Shayna kiss, announces unprovoked that it's time to swim? And why are two of them in pajamas?

The descriptions of Tevin and Jessie should have incorporated they were also in pajamas, as this was intended as a pajama party, even though it's not a party really. It's much more a double-date/hangout. As far as Tevin's motivation. Because the description highlighted that Jessie's character was the drunker of the two women, and that Shayna simply played along with it, Tevin's assumption was derived from a place where he knew the kiss wasn't leading anywhere. The specificity of the description in relationship to his desire to swim could have been more specific as to not leave any questions lingering. As far as motivation goes, it's Miami and there's a pool. However flimsy that may seem, any element of rationality generally goes out the window when drugs and alcohol are involved. All good notes! Thanks!

FEEDBACK # 10 Ver nice use of today's prompt, a very funny scene given the information we know now about Google. Both Rachel and Ed are well developed characters. I agree with @HMBarcus, it does strike me a little odd that Sergey and Larry were raising money at the Olive Garden. Especially because it seems like they already have a working copy of Google. Maybe in a different setting as @MHBarcus said or maybe if this is a very, very early financing round where they want the money to have some time and program the first prototype.

SCENE #4 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT DAVID a slightly overweight and young man of 24, lounges on his couch. Using minimal effort he fingers his tablet affectionately, playing a popular video game. The television rages on in the background occasionally distracting him from the highly addictive game. DAVID: Bullshit! Stupid bird. Something hacks and takes over David's television while David is distracted, he doesn't take notice. INSERT - COMMERCIAL A youthful yet seasoned PITCH MAN appears on screen standing in front of a white background. PITCH MAN:I'm here to give you this once in a lifetime opportunity with Castle Assassin. RETURN - LIVING ROOM The title of "Castle Assassin" gains David's undivided attention. DAVID(to himself): What the heck is "Castle Assassin?" RETURN - COMMERCIAL PITCH MAN: Castle Assassin is the new pinnacle of gaming technology. RETURN - LIVING ROOM DAVID: What is it, some hologram crap? RETURN - COMMERCIAL PITCH MAN: This is beyond any virtual reality technology that currently exists. Imagine a game that can be played live in your home with no console, controller, or any other outdated device. RETURN - LIVING ROOM David looks around the room noticing his outdated devices taking up space and collecting dust but laughs off the corny sales pitch. DAVID(sarcastically): Sounds, futuristic. RETURN - COMMERCIAL The Pitch Man stares at David through the television. PITCH MAN: It is your future, David. RETURN LIVING ROOM David reaches for the remote and turns the television off but not before hearing the Pitch Man's final words. PITCH MAN (V.O.): And remember, have fun. DAVID: Stupid commercials, tomorrow I'm getting Netflix. David hears a crash in the kitchen and drops his tablet.

SCENE # 4 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Rap music playing. JACOB, a young nerdy looking man in front of a computer connected to a camera. On the computer a message "SORRY, WE COULDN'T CONNECT TO SKYPE" JACOB: Damn. TONY (50), in a fancy suit enters. TONY: Turn that darn music off. Are we ready? Jacob mutes the computer. JACOB: I think there's something wrong with your internet connection. Tony looks at his expensive watch. TONY: You know how important is that the earnings conference call starts right on time? JACOB: I... It's... TONY: Look, kid. You have ten minutes to fix it or you're fired. JACOB: Maybe it's the router, I could change it but... TONY: Nine minutes. CHARLES (50) menacing looking, followed by a large BODYGUARD enters the room. CHARLES: Tony, got a minute? TONY: Sure, Charles. (to JACOB). Out. JACOB: I said out. Charles nods to his bodyguard. Jacob nervously exits, followed by the bodyguard, who closes the door. TONY: Something wrong? CHARLES: You tell me. On the screen "CONNECTED" CHARLES: I thought you were going to cook the numbers. TONY: I did the best I could. CHARLES: Not enough, Tony. TONY: Nobody will believe it if I put better numbers. Neither the investors nor the IRS. We don't want to attract attention, do we? CHARLES: I don't care. We need more money for the lawyers so they can get Don Salvatore out of jail. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Jacob looking at his phone, it's Charles and Tony, streaming live to hundreds of people. JACOB: I'm screwed. He runs to the conference room. JACOB: Let me in. BODYGUARD: Beat it kid. JACOB: You don't understand. I have to tell them. He tries to push him. The bodyguard sucker punches him, Jacob falls to the floor. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Charles and Tony talk. TONY: I'm trying to minimize the damages, dammit! It would be bad for both of everyone if people know the mafia is a major stockholder of this company! CHARLES: Wanna talk about damages? I can make a phone call right now to order a hit on you and your family. TONY: Fine, I'll make the transfer as soon as I finish the earnings call. CHARLES: You have ten minutes or you're dead. TONY: I'm gonna need my tech guy, we had some issues with out internet. CHARLES: Nine minutes. Tony nervously walks to the door.

I liked how you build from the party to this tense moment with the alligator. I do think you could milk the moment with the alligator a little more, it's kind of short.

Nice idea, but I am always a little bit weary of having a character talk to himself out loud. I know some people do it in real life, but in film it's an easy way out. I think it would have worked better with two characters or no dialogue, just reactions.

SCENE #4: Neil Vidya INT. HOME OFFICE - day SCOTT (mid-thirties, baseball cap), in his HOME OFFICE, on the PHONE. It's not good news. SCOTT But Jim, Jim... (beat) Jim. The doorbell rings. SCOTT opens the window and waves at Kelly (mid-twenties), standing outside the front door. SCOTT (covering the phone, to Kelly) In here! (into phone) What? Nobody. Listen, it's a huge mistake - superhero movies are guaranteed. You'll double your money. Kelly walks in the office door with a knock. KELLY Hello- oh. SCOTT waves her in and motions her to sit. She does. SCOTT stands and walks towards the window. SCOTT (whispering) This thing won't fly without you. Jim. Jim? We hear a click from the phone. SCOTT (louder, pretending) Sure, let's do lunch next week and finalize the terms. SCOTT hangs up. KELLY Was it Jim? SCOTT (defensive) Why, what'd you hear? KELLY (surprised) Nothing, I just caught his name... Talking financing I assume? Was there a problem? SCOTT No! It's all perfect. No worries. You're so perceptive. SCOTT bends across the desk and she leans forward to kiss. KELLY I try. SCOTT So, where do we start with this? KELLY Well I prepared a budget and I want- Scott's staring off. A beat. KELLY Scott? SCOTT So where do we start with this? KELLY Are you OK? SCOTT Yeah yeah... KELLY OK, so the budget has funds for 3 shoot days with a full crew, we can shoot it in one weekend at Kanata Park- Scott's staring off. KELLY (cont'd) (trailing off) -and we have just enough to make it not look amateur. A beat. SCOTT Yes, amateur! Wait, what do you mean amateur? KELLY I mean with Jim's money we can actually shoot a film that doesn't look like a first year college experiment. SCOTT Yeah, well, Jim doesn't know everything, we don't have to spend a ton of money to make something great. KELLY I guess... My last project was 3 guys and a DSLR and it looked like a movie my nephew shot on his iPhone. SCOTT Oh yeah? What if we shot on iPhone? Great marketing gimmick. Kelly (hiding irritation) Is it really though? We have a great DP lined up, let's stick with that. SCOTT I just mean, well, what if we took that DP money and put it somewhere else? KELLY Where else? What's going on Scott? SCOTT I'm just brainstorming other ways to use our funds. KELLY What other ways? SCOTT I don't know that's why I'm brainstorming. KELLY Oh, I get what's happening here. You're having cold feet. Scott, I've already thought it through. DOP, VFX, gaffers. We're good. SCOTT Well cold feet aside, would we do if we had half the budget? KELLY Half the budget? Ah! I knew it! Jim is backing out. He is, isn't he? I should have known it... It was the script! SCOTT (reassuring) No, no! He's in! No it's just that a... a... a crew member asked for more money. KELLY Who? How much? SCOTT $5000. KELLY Who? SCOTT (stalling) Well... it was a long negotiation, but in the end, the person, who demanded his slice of the pie, be extended, to the larger amount, of $5000, was... Dave. Yeah! Dave. KELLY Dave, like, the screenwriter Dave? SCOTT Yeah, he threatened to walk. KELLY (laughing) Let him walk! Screenwriters don't get raises! They get fired and dumped and switched out. SCOTT We can't! KELLY Why? SCOTT His latest draft is - unreal. KELLY What about it? SCOTT The big twist. KELLY (skeptical) He wrote a twist that was so good that he upped his fee from $350 to $5350? SCOTT (weakly) Yeah? KELLY What's the twist? SCOTT They were... dead the whole time? KELLY Jim backed out! SCOTT What? No! It was Dave- KELLY Dave is a pothead who reads comics all day and $350 is like winning the lottery to him! As if he'd ask for a raise of what, ten thousand percent? SCOTT It surprised me too... KELLY Enough! Let's just figure out what we'll do now that our budget is slashed in half. SCOTT I... Yeah, ugh, Jim backed out. KELLY Yeah. KELLY starts scratching out lines on the budget. SCOTT Fine... that wasn't a bad idea, though, right? KELLY What? SCOTT If they were dead the whole time- KELLY Shut up!

Feedback #4: Neil Vidya for Sean Patrick O'Brien Well written and engaging. You sprinkle in light humor and attractive characters so that I don't stop reading as I get through the description, then bam, I'm in the house with these sexy partiers. The guys are a bit lecherous and funny, as they're supposed to be. Might be fun to hook us even more with a bit of character development. "Now this is why we came to Miami", or have a girl comment on how they met, "I knew you were trouble the second you came over...", "Looks like you guys are the trouble." "That's true!" Overall the tension in the water is really good, I can visualize it. Let it simmer longer, I agree, it's enjoyable while he's in the water, we're wondering, what's going to happen? Let us stew in that.

SCENE #3 INT. CAMPUS BATHROOM - EARLY AFTERNOON CRAIG (19) squats in the stall, facing the toilet. He's using the toilet seat as a table as he takes out a cigarette and unrolls it. Tobacco bits are scattered on the surface. Next to the cigarettes is a tiny bag of gun powder. He pours a portion of the contents into the tobacco and rerolls the paper. He repeats this process with a couple of other cigarettes. EXT. CAMPUS YARD - LATER Craig is putting on his earphones when he turns a corner to the back of the campus building. ISAIAH (20), originally squatted down with his back against the wall, immediately stands up and looks at Craig. His face is wet and a lit cigarette burns on his lips. An empty box of cigarettes lies at his feet. Craig stops in his tracks. He's flustered at the sight of Isaiah, but he quickly looks at the ground and clumsily stuffs the other earbud in his ear. He starts to stride away as quick as he can. ISAIAH: (shouting) HEY! Hey faggot! Craig doesn't stop to look back, but he begins to pick up his pace. Isaiah easily catches up to him. He pulls the earphone cord hard and it strains Craig's ears, stopping him mid-step. ISAIAH: You don't fuckin' need these, apparently you're already deaf, you bitch ass. Craig purses his lips but says nothing. ISAIAH: You know what I want. When Craig refuses to move, Isaiah uses one hand to grab Craig's shirt and uses the other to punch him in the stomach, making Craig whimper. ISAIAH: Stop being a little cunt. He raises his fist high up behind him, ready to strike. ISAIAH: One... Craig reaches into his back pocket and retrieves the packet of cigarettes we saw earlier. Isaiah brings down his fist to snatch the packet away, but his other hand still hooks onto Craig's shirt. He looks at the packaging. Craig watches him in silence. ISAIAH: What the hell is this?! He flips it open and looks at the cigarettes. Craig tenses up. Isaiah is carefully looking at the cigarettes. A long beat. He looks at Craig. ISAIAH: You better come tomorrow with an unopened pack, dumbshit. Isaiah finally lets go of Craig's shirt, he shoves him away as he takes out his lighter and a cigarette from the pack. Craig quickly grabs his bag and scampers away, not looking back. A quick short EXPLOSION that sounds like a firecracker goes off behind Craig. CUT TO BLACK.

FEEDBACK #3 I think you write fantastic and natural dialogue. But you took a different approach to dramatic irony in a way that you incorporated it into a situation that we as audience don't really care about because nothing is really at stake. You can argue that the thing that's at stake is the movie budget or the fact that Jim is quitting, but even then, it's completely survivable, and we don't fear for anyone nor do we sympathize with anyone.

Scene #1 Barney sits at the bar, alone. He watches the other couples in the bar and feels more lonely than ever. A man and women walk in together. She has her arm looped through his. She is walking with him down the length of the bar. She whispers something in his ear. He looks interested. They disappear in the back. THE BAR BATHROOM: The man and woman kiss passionately as they enter the bathroom. They stumble into a stall and close the door. We see the two pairs of legs under the door as the forward woman and the interested man get busy having sex. The sounds of copulation increase. We move closer to the closed door, still hearing them. The man’s voice changes slightly, suddenly, into a panicked squeal. And then we only hear her voice, her orgasmic sighs. Under the door, we see two pairs of shoes, four legs. And then the man’s pair of legs becomes an empty pair of pants that slump to the floor. The door opens. The woman straightens her dress, and exits. What’s left is a set of clothes and shoes, lying across the toilet. That’s all. The man has completely vanished. BACK IN THE BAR: Barney has an empty drink in front of him. The woman comes up behind him, touches his shoulder. He startles so hard he almost falls off the stool. WOMAN: Hey. Do you have a smoke? BARNEY: No. I don’t smoke. The stool beside his is empty. WOMAN: (pointing to it) Can I sit here? BARNEY: Sure. She sits, deliberately, sidling her leg against his body. He suppresses an urge to flee. He’s never met a woman who so immediately wanted to be close to him. He tries to be casual, watching the other couples as they dance and flirt. And also, he’s a little scared to look at the woman. He stares at a young blonde at the end of the bar. He stares a moment too long. She looks up and catches him. She frowns and turns away. WOMAN: You scared her. Barney turns, startled, at the woman speaking into his ear. She’s about his age, wears no makeup. If he had to give a physical description of the type of woman he would be attracted to, she would be it, to a T. WOMAN: Do you think you could give me a ride? She smiles. WOMAN: I’ve had a little too much to drink. BARNEY: You shouldn’t be out by yourself. It’s not safe. WOMAN: I know. You’re right. They sit for a moment. The bartender assists the customers a few stools down from them. The woman inches closer to Barney. WOMAN: You seem safe. BARNEY: I am. The woman slips down off her stool, takes his arm in hers. WOMAN: I trust you. Please. I don’t live too far from here. Barney looks at the bar and takes a deep breath. He looks at the woman, smiles nervously. He slips down off the bar stool, pulls on his coat. BARNEY: What happened to the guy you came in with? WOMAN: What guy? TO BLACK

Feedback #1: Ah, this is a difficult challenge because usually you would need to set up the information for the audience in a different scene. Therefore, the impact is not as great. However, going back through your scene and reading it with the knowledge that the cigarette pack holds an explosion, the tension in the scene is much more interesting. Also, nice work balancing actions with dialogue. The dialogue is one-sided, which works great for this scene, and allows the reader to feel for Craig, and to feel the suspense. Great work with tension!

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - ??? Two MYSTERIOUS MEN IN LABCOATS sit in a darkened room. They are identical, right down to their thick rimmed glasses. Eyes hidden behind the glare from the only light in the room, a large monitor. We can still tell they are watching it intently. One of the men breaks his unrelenting gaze for just a moment as he glances at a clipboard he is holding. We can just see the top of a man's headshot. And then the labcoat looks up, and we PAN IN towards the monitor until... INT. CAFE - DAY Two men, CHRIS and DOUGLAS, 30s, sit at a table. We recognize Douglas, nervously sipping his fifth espresso, from the clipboard headshot. DOUGLAS I don't know what to do, man. CHRIS Have you told anyone? DOUGLAS Told anyone? I'm surprised you believe me. CHRIS Well, let's not go that far... Douglas looks up at Chris, a hurt expression in his eyes. Chris' dart around the room, avoiding his friend's gaze. CHRIS I just think you should tell someone. Maybe they can help you more than I can. DOUGLAS No, the less who know, the better. I couldn't do that to Jessica. If she somehow found out, well... she just doesn't need any more stress. A beat as Chris glances around the room, almost as nervous as Douglas now. DOUGLAS No, you're right, I'm probably just imagining it. CUT TO: INT. OBSERVATION ROOM We are staring directly at the labcoats, as if from the monitor. The conversation can be heard off screen. CHRIS What about Dr. Monroe? He'll know how to handle your... problems. One labcoat frowns. The other looks at him, and the first one nods. DOUGLAS Yea, by throwing me in the loony bin. CHRIS He just wants what's best for you. As do I. And Jessica. The first labcoat sighs. The second leans forward and pushes a button. CUT TO: INT. CAFE - SAME As the scene progresses, we slowly PAN OUT to reveal the monitor, and the labcoats. Douglas is staring at Chris with a suspicious look on his face. We can see now that Chris' nervous glances are focused at whatever is broadcasting the scene to the monitor. Suddenly, JESSICA (30s) comes bursting in the cafe. She looks around frantically, but not before Douglas notices her. DOUGLAS Oh crap, I can't face her now, not like this. He downs the rest of his espresso and rises to leave. Chris grabs his arm before he does. CHRIS Doug, as your friend, listen to me. Go to Dr. Monroe. Douglas' gaze is daggers. Chris releases him and stares at the table. Jessica finally notices Chris and rushes to the table. By now Douglas has vanished. They exchange nervous looks, and Jessica's eyes glance towards the monitor for a moment. THE LABCOATS Watching without expression. Then with a small smile, one leans in and presses a button off screen. The monitor clicks off and we are bathed in blackness.

SCENE #3 BTW

FEEDBACK 3 I like your story here, PJ. The initial scene plus the woman's dialogue really sets up the tension of the femme fatale nicely. Your scene descriptions drag a little, I think they could use a bit more variety and detail. And having the description of the woman after their initial meeting is a little confusing, maybe move it up to when she first sits down. Good job!

GLG Feedback #6: I think the uniform plus the B&W may support that assumption. A little stronger reason for her to accompany the cop right away might help, though. "Bring you in" sounds too much like an arrest. Maybe "get you to a safe place." The cruiser can always catch up to her and stop her, so failure of the car to start creates false tension. RACHEL: The judge will have the order finalized this afternoon. You’re safe now. That raises a rather obvious flag, since Rachel can't make that statement for three reasons: (1) the order hasn't been served; (2) it hasn't been "finalized;" (3) a restraining order is just a piece of paper. Maybe: "It will all be over in a few hours," which is still not perfectly true, but less blatantly false than "You're safe now."

SCENE #4: EXT. PATIO - NIGHT MARTIN, torn jeans and a once white shirt, fumbles with his keys in front of his door. The bushes rustle and reveal a HOODED MAN inside. Martin keeps flipping his keys and searching until he opens his door. INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT Martin throws his keys to the door and casually locks the door. He saunters to the kitchen and throws his shirt in the hamper while the hooded man rustles through the handle and opens the door. The hooded man hides in the closet. Martin walks out from the kitchen and sits down on the couch. He turns on the TV and pumps it up. With the loud noise, the hooded man is able to creak the closet doors open and sneak past Martin. Martin hears a loud THUD and turns his head to the window. He jumps up and marches to the window as the hooded man freezes. MARTIN: I can be as loud as I want. Martin flips off the air as he strolls back to his couch. He pumps the TV even louder as the hooded man sneaks up the stairs. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT The hooded man enters the cramped bedroom, where the TV sound can still be heard. He squeezes to the closet and opens it up to be bombarded with various trinkets and souvenirs. He charges through the mess. An original Picasso sits right in the bottom of the pile. The artwork still has the museum’s frame. The hooded man pulls out a large bag and slides the painting into the bag. The TV starts a loud gunfight as a louder BANG rings out. The hooded man grips his stomach to see his hands covered in blood. MARTIN: It’s my family’s possession. The hooded man drops to the ground, the bag dropping back to the pile. Martin puts his gun back to his pockets as he picks up the limp man.

Feedback #4 I think you did a really great job getting the characters of Rachael and Ed down, and Rachel's motivation of being against these guys from the start is a great sort of dramatic irony for the other characters. Besides what everyone has already said, I think what would really make it big would be for Rachael to be much more insulting of their idea. I also think that pumping up the dialogue to serve more than a few purposes, such as making Larry and Sergey their own identities through their own way of talking or role in their pitch. Otherwise, I really like how you approached this prompt.

Feedback #5: I like the idea of having this TV talk to him, and David just going along to talk with him and just expect it to react with him. I think it's a great way to characterize David through dialogue. I think something that would really bring the advertisement's menacing tone would be to characterize the pitch man or be able to see who is hacking his computer. By saying more than a "youthful yet seasoned pitch man" or even selling up the creepiness of the host, it would bring the audience more into the apparent threat.

Feedback #6: It's great to see how the cigarettes and gun powder plays at the end. It's a great vindictive turn for Craig. However, I think something that would make this scene even punchier would be understanding Craig's motivation for blowing up Isiah. This is in a college environment, so why is he doing this to what is essentially a bully? Would Isiah ever kill Craig? Is Craig insane? I think a few more actions or reactions from Craig's or Isiah's side would really help sell the final moment.

This is great feedback thanks everyone! I agree, Olive Garden is a bit of a dumb setting.

#FEEDBACK 8 Nice play on the prompt, but it takes a little too long to generate the dramatic irony and then doesn't make enough use of it when it does happen. Rather than have Jacob see on his phone, maybe we should see the stockholders watching the conversation and the look on their faces? I liked the last few lines where Tony gets the same heat as he gave Jacob at the start of the scene. I got a bit confused on line 17 where Jacob appears to tell someone to get out, but isn't he the one who is being asked to leave?

GLG Feedback #7 Gunpowder doesn't come in little bags. It comes in plastic bottles marked "Gunpowder," much better visually. Unfortunately, when unconfined, as in a loosely rolled cigarette, it won't make an explosion; it just would go POOF! and spew hot gas, tobacco, and sparks. Maybe that's the intent, but as described, the most likely effect would be to really, really piss off the smoker.

Feedback #4: Neil Vidya Great pace, economical wording. The speed with which you described the sex was awesome, so it made it exciting to read. This line slowed me down: "And also, he’s a little scared to look at the woman." We already get it, no need to say it. Keep up the pace. The physical description to a T line is clunky. How about, "She's about his age, no makeup - his type of girl to a T." The dialog between the two needs work, read it out loud and record it and listen. People don't say exactly what they mean, they dance around it, hint at it, etc. Like "Woman: I'm so tipsy... I may need help getting home. Barney: (looking around) Are you talking to me? Woman: Of course, handsome. Can you help? Barney: I... what happened to the guy you came in with? Woman: Him, oh, he's a nobody. He's gone. Barney: He left? I didn't see- Woman: I really need to lie down - can you help?" So we're just in tension, will he say yes? If he says yes, he might be dead. Keep at it - like your work.

GLG Scene #4 In earlier scenes, Lady Goodbody’s cat, Ftatateeta, is kidnapped and infected with the deadly Foster’s Disease virus by Prof. Gruber. The immediately previous scene (EXT. GOODBODY MANSION – DAY) shows Ftatateeta being left in front of Lady G’s house by Dr. von Minyan in HAZMAT garb. INT. GOODBODY MANSION DRAWING ROOM – CONTINUOUS INSPECTOR WANG strides beside an open window. PC COLLINS stands beside the closed door, rocking slightly back and forth. Mrs. GOODBODY is seated, wringing her hands. VARIOUS RELATIVES line the room. FTATATEETA: (O.C.) Meow. WANG: And when did death threats from Prof. Gruber begin, Lady Boodgody? Goodbody. LADY GOODBODY: (upset) A fortnight ago, Inspector. WANG: And when receive ransom note for missing kitty-cat, Ftatateeta? LADY GOODBODY: There never was a ransom note, Inspector. She just disappeared. FTATATEETA: (O.C.) Meow. WANG: Most odd. But have no fear, madame. You safe, now. We will soon locate missing kitty-cat. (a smirk) Inspector Wang is on job. COLLINS: Ahem. Wang looks at him and frowns. Collins motions toward the door with his head. WANG: (impatiently) And PC Collins also on job, yes, yes. (faces Goodbody). Now, I afraid must trouble you with more question-- FTATATEETA: (O.C.) Meow. WANG: Will someone please let honorable stupid cat in? COLLINS: Right away, sir. Collins reaches for the door knob, but Wang holds up a hand. WANG: One moment, Collins. (draws .44 Magnum revolver) Now open door, please. Collins opens the door. Ftatateeta enters slowly. Wang puts away the gun. Collins closes door. LADY GOODBODY: Come to mother, Ftatateeta! WANG: See? It is just as Inspector Wang say. Kitty-cat has been rapidly restored to Lady Goodbody by Inspector Wang. The cat meanders through the room, passing among all the Various Relatives, who pet or kiss her. She leaps into Lady Goodbody’s lap and nuzzles her face. A look of horror crosses Wang’s face. WANG: Stop! LADY GOODBODY: What is the matter, Inspector Wang? WANG: I have just remember. Prof. Gruber once assassinate whole room full of people by introducing cat infected with deadly Foster’s Disease virus. Lady Goodbody stops kissing her cat and tosses it from her lap. Assorted Relatives begin wiping their lips or hands, and spitting. Wang shrinks away from all of them. LADY GOODBODY: (spitting) Phthath! Phthath! Phthath! Are we going to die, Inspector? WANG: No, no. (beat) Inspector Wang not handle cat, so we not going to die. You going to die. CAT No. 2: (O.C,) Meow! Collins opens door, revealing second cat identical to Ftatateeta standing outside. LADY GOODBODY: Ftatateeta! WANG: (pointing at first cat) I thought this cat Ftatateeta. LADY GOODBODY: (pointing at first cat) This is Ftatateeta Two. And that (points at door) is Ftatateeta. WANG: Too? LADY GOODBODY: Also. WANG: Aha! It all clear, now. Please to slam door, PC Collins. Collins slams the door. WANG: Why you have two cat name Ftatateeta? LADY GOODBODY: But I don’t have two cats named Ftatateeta! WANG: No? LADY GOODBODY: I have ten cats named Ftatateeta. Oh, and here they come, now! Identical cats stream in through the open window and approach Various Relatives and Inspector Wang, who jumps out the window. All Various Relatives leap after him. Several cats join them. Collins remains steadfast, rocking back and forth slightly.

FEEDBACK #4 Agree with the Jacob out part, probably just missed it, it happens. I wasn't pulled in at the beginning to really visualize these characters but I also like the ambiguity that the reader can create them as the story goes on. Great turn on who we think is in charge being scolded / reminded.

GLG Feedback #8 It doesn't matter here, but for a full script, two characters with such similar names could cause the reader to drop it immediately.

FEEDBACK #5 This piqued my interest once Google was mentioned, and it was a wonderful use of the prompt. I agree with some others here that it seems unlikely to have happened this way, but you did date it to 1998 and who knows? Before all the v/c money comes in, there are early initial investors. I might've established some sort of relationship between the parties so it seemed less "out of the blue" and improbable. (The Olive Garden setting didn't bother me at all, BTW. It kinda grounded it!) I wonder how it would work from a different POV, too, like Larry's or Sergey's. Just some thoughts. I liked the concept a lot.

GLG Feedback #9 I agree with Liz, above. The Olive Garden is okay, reflecting an earlier, less formal time in dot-com history. Normally, writers do avoid restaurant and bar settings, because they lead to "talking heads" scenes. But this is a practice exercise and financing meetings ARE mostly talking heads. Conference rooms are more boring than restaurants. Where else would you put such a scene? The steam room down at the Y? Yeah, there ya go.

Scene 03 EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT Just enough light to make it bluish spooky and throw some shadows. A Dumpster would help the mood. A cat skulking by would help, too--any color, they all seem the same at night. FOOTSTEPS. The lunatic we'll call TOBY approaches, in black raincoat, with black handbag--the typical maniac killer's garb. Behind the Dumpster, he opens the bag, extracts an HATCHET, which SHINES under a convenient light beam. Toby waves the hatchet, trying to find its balance. Cuts and slices the air. Nods, satisfied. Hatchet in hand, back close to the wall, he slides... To the mouth of the Alley. Peeks into the street. Rows of silent doors, shut windows, sad lampposts with weak lights--and many broken. At the end of the street, TWO persons stroll. Toby, hatchet raised to his face, seems to ponder. EXT. STREET - NIGHT The TWO persons strolling are ANNE and STU. STU Are you sure this is safe at night? ANNE Never had any problems. EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT Toby seems to have made up his mind, he's holding the hatchet high, ready to strike. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Stu keeps glancing around. STU Perhaps we should have gone through a more lighted street. ANNE This way is way shorter. STU So we can get to your apartment faster... Oh, well, fine by me. His steps take on an happier bounce and each steps brings then closer to the alley--and Toby's hatchet... when... STU Oh, shhh--oot. I stepped on something. ANNE What? STU I'm not sure I wanna know. This must be a sign. Don't go further. EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT Toby is getting tired, lowers his arm. Cranes his neck to look around the corner. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Anne shakes her head. ANNE Oh, come on. STU No, no, it's a sign. From the Universe. I can feel it. When the Universe sends you signs, you have to follow them. ANNE I didn't know you were so... sensitive... STU I am, I am. Sensitive. Very. ANNE We can take the long way around. Talk to me about the universe. They turn, she slides her arm through his, to his contentment. They walk away. After a while, Toby pops out of the alley. Watches them receding. His shoulders sag, he snaps fingers at the lost opportunity.

Scene #1 INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY We see a dark figure in a hotel room. He's filling a black rolling suitcase with bricks of cocaine. He puts on his sunglasses and walks out the room. The camera follows the suitcase through the hallway, the elevator, and through the lobby into a cab. INT. AIRPORT -Day Mexico City Airport. A woman is walking fast through the lobby, wheeling a black suitcase behind her. This is ELLIOT (30s) - she's American. A man is running after her with a duffel bag. This is SIMON (30s) - he's English. SIMON: Wait wait wait - ELLIOT: Look I had a fantastic night. I think. You were great. Now I gotta go catch a flight. SIMON: Can I get your phone number? ELLIOT: No. SIMON: Why not? Elliot accidentally shoulder checks the Man in black from earlier. ELLIOT: Excuse me. MAN: Pardon. Their black suitcases get switched. They resume walking their separate ways. ELLIOT: This was just a ... you know. One night stand. SIMON: No. We connected. ELLIOT: That was the tequila. Simon and Elliot walk towards the security line. SIMON: I didn't drink that much. ELLIOT: I thought I was clear I wanted something casual. The security guards are checking their passports. SIMON: Drinks and sex is casual for a first date. ELLIOT: Oh my god! Last night was not a date. Tequila shots and nachos are not first date material. They're loading their bags on the security carousel. ELLIOT: Look please don't take offense but you were nice and not the creepiest of guys so I may have, uh, seduced you in order to get a free night. Elliot walks through the metal detector. SIMON: Even after I paid for the nachos and tequila? Simon walks through the metal detector. ELLIOT: No I paid for those. I left money on the table. SIMON: Yeah but I charged it to my card. ELLIOT: Well fuck we just double paid. This is the worst. You owe me.? SECURITY GUARD: Who's bag is this? ELLIOT: Mine. Oh shit. I forgot to take out the liquids, didn't I? A large group of cops swarm in. Take Elliot's hands.The security guard opens the suitcase to reveal large bricks of cocaine. ELLIOT: That’s not mine! Another cop grabs Simon’s hands. SIMON: It’s not mine either! COP: You were talking to each other in line. We have reason to believe you’re together. ELLIOT: We are not together! We only had sex once! The Cops lead Elliot and Simon down a hallway.

GLG Feedback #11? 12? Fairly workmanlike. Name MAN in the initial descriptive. Each character name starts with a different initial, which is good. Anything that potentially slows the ???READER??? is bad, including using a man's name for a female character when it's not necessary for plot reasons. Also, since you're showing the actual briefcase switch OC, you need to give the details of the mixup, imho. The contents are worth beaucoup $$$, so the courier isn't going to just casually walk off with the wrong one after being violently bumped. You might tighten the dialogue a bit. It's ironic that she thinks this is goodbye, but they're soon going to share a long, uncomfortable ride downtown. So maybe emphasize the ironic "goodbye, I'll never see you again" aspect, cut the bar bill part. ELLIOT's last sentence could be cut. I find it very unlikely he'd say that. She. A good first pass. Not a lot of work needed, here, except reworking the action involving the case swap.

FEEDBACK 6 Great Idea! very well written ! Yes, I can argue that the internet was already big by that time, and some search engines already existed. But I like who you built the conflict of interest and motivation that drives the family. A little bit not clear why wife participate in such meetings. Even though she is participating in family finance decisions. Anyway great job. Really enjoyed

SCENE 3 INT - BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING We track from Jenin's (8) bedroom floor along the side of her window, passing her plain grey walls, a pair of worn out shoes, a table with a single chair tucked in, a mirror hanging over it, and two open suitcases. The camera switches to the foot of Jenin's bed and works its way up to Jenin's face, indiscernible loud arguing fades in from afar. The arguing pursues louder and the voices become audible. Edna (43) - (trying not to shout) I can't do this Rick! What did you do? Richard (41) - (hushing Edna) Listen, I know it's an adjustment- Edna - (Screams) Adjustment? Richard quickly hushes her. Jenin tip toes out of bed to the hallway near the kitchen. Edna is seen doing the dishes as Richard is trailing behind her. Edna - This isn't an adjustment, Richard! You going vegan for those three weeks, THAT was an adjustment. This… I … we (emphatic) never planned for this. Jesus, we didn't even talk about this. How did you agree to this without even mentioning it? Richard - Sweetheart, I don't know. I just I saw her and- Edna - Don't lie to me. You did not happen to see her, you went searching at his house. Trying to redeem your soul or whatever. I know his situation isn't the best but- Richard - He's needs our help Edna - I get it. I understand that he's going through a lot. But this is his child, Rick. I get you're going through a mid-life crisis and to be perfectly honest I should have seen it coming given your track record, but to bring another person into our lives almost permanently? Without so much as a mention of it to me? Are you kidding? Did you think of how this would affect us? Who will watch her? Who will take her to school? Be there when she gets back? Attend any number of school events, appointments, and whatever else comes along? Richard - I will! Edna incensed, rolls her eyes and drops a dish back into the sink. Jenin clutches to a heart pendant around her neck. Edna - oh don't give me that nonsense. You'll be with her for a week and then the nuance will wear off and you'll replace time and affection and real genuine care with money. Jenin lets go of the pendant. Richard - Stop that. Stop reducing this to me bringing home a house pet. Edna - That's exactly what this is. The Lord knows I've been married long enough to you to be certain of it. And now, you've brought that little girl into this. It's not too late, there are centers we can call. Richard - Edna, just think this through. Edna - Oh now he wants to think things through. Richard - We can make this work, maybe even adopt- Edna - and what? be one great happy family? Don't be ridiculous Rick. Voices begin to fade back out slowly, Edna and Richard continue to argue. Richard - Lower your voice. I want to see how this works out. Let's try, we never- Edna - Good God! Yes I'm aware I never birthed your spawn. Richard - That's not what I- Edna - I'm calling Child Services, Rick. Richard - I promised her. Edna would you just hold on. Jenin tip toes back to her room, holding back tears. She paws through the closet and quietly begins to take her clothes off the hangers.

FEEDBACK #4 I agree with Pj Woodside about creating incredible tension. And creating the added sympathy towards Craig without him saying a word. Something that confused me a little was why was someone at the age of 20 was bullying someone else over a pack of cigarettes? Craig understands what Isiah wants, and he clearly himself knew Isiah would be after the cigarettes which is why he put the gun powder in it.

FEEDBACK #5 I get that the thing the audience knows is that unbeknownst to Richard or Edna, Jenin is listening to every word. I think this has a heart breaking hook that would work really well if we had already built up to this point of a how horrible Jenin's life is at her previous home. But that's ground that can be covered in the previous twenty pages of the script. One thing that I felt was that Richard and Edna would know that Jenin is listening if they are raising their voices indoors. Children are super sensitive to arguments in the house, especially in the quiet early hours. I reckon if she was in the garden or something and the adults, assuming that she was inside, went outside to talk about it and listened from behind a bush or something... just an idea.

Thanks so much for the feedback, I really appreciate it. Yes, my scene is set for well into the movie. The idea of setting Richard and Edna out in the garden actually works really well. Maybe Jenin hears them through an open window. Thanks again!

SCENE 5 EXT. PARK - DAY FRANK and HAL both sit down next to each other on the park bench. They look around nervously. Neither of them wants to start. We hang beneath them, something blinks under the bench. Something taped there with duct tape. And a countdown. It reads 1:30 .... Frank: Well? Hal: Well what? Frank: Get on with it. 1:22 seconds. Hal: Me get on with it? You get on with it. Frank: I wasn't the one who invited you here! Hal: Weren't you? Frank: Wasn't I? Weren't you? 1:11 Hal: Well it certainly wersen't me. Frank: Wersen't? Hal: You know what I meant. Frank: I'm confused. 1:04 Frank: So if you didn't invite me, Hal: And I didn't invite you. Frank: That's what I just said. Hal: No you said if you didn't invite me and I said and I didn't invite you. That's the saying! Frank: Forget it. :48 Hal: Well I wasn't the one who snapped. Frank: You got anyone who wants you dead? Hal: Yeah. You? Frank: Yeah. A lot of people who want you dead? Hal: Yeah. You? A lot? :32 Frank: Yeah. Say, what do you think the odds are that some of the folks that want you dead-- Hal: Are some of the folks that want me dead? Frank: That's what I just said. Hal: No you said some of the folks that want you dead and I said some of the folks that want me dead. So some of the folks that want you dead are some of the folks that want me dead is what I said. Frank: Nevermind! That's not what happened! You're a fucking idiot. :06 Hal stands up and backs away, offended. Hal: Sorry Mr Grumpy pants. Don't blow up on me! A small contained explosion takes out the bench. Hal stands there with some of the charred remains of Frank clinging to his face. He smacks his lips and spits, trying to get the guts out of his mouth. Hal: Well that was a surprise.

Feedback 8 I like it. Great job. there are only few moments. 1) the whole part sounds too long : «He tries to be casual, watching the other couples as they dance and flirt. And also, he’s a little scared to look at the woman. He stares at a young blonde at the end of the bar. He stares a moment too long. She looks up and catches him. She frowns and turns away. 2) the end was cut too abruptly. Really want to hear more. Thank you

SCENE 9 EXT: an alley near abounded house 3 am. Mercedes 300 stays on the alley. In the car Veronica looks through the window as huge dogs tear apart ROBERT.  Veronica opens the door. And gets out the car on her high heels VERONICA Enough! The dogs obediently step aside whining. ROBERT lays in a blood , teared apart. Barely breathing. VERONICA takes off her dress remaining only in shoes, GRINS, than bents and digs into his neck. EXT: an allye near abounded house 4 pm. An police car stops near the same place  Philip, bold (49) local Sheriff sits in front, singing in accompaniment of popular song and adjusts his left hand. We see that that is prosthetic arm. PHILIP:  Old crap. common! You served me enough. Soon I’ll change you for A mind-controlled one.   Finally he puts the parts of prosthetic arm in place. takes  Walkie-talkie. PHILIP: CN3. I am at place. Going out to check the aria.  VO: Got you.take care. Sheriff gets out of the car and look around.  PHILIP (to himself) : It’s gloomy here. Good place for homeless vagrants. He takes his gun and reload it. Aims it in one direction than another. playing with it as a kid. He noticed tire tracks on the road. sits and explores it.  PHILIP (to himself): So what do we have here VERONICA OS : Khe khe Philips looks up and winces. Just in front of him beautiful woman’s legs on heels. He rises and sees gorgeous Veronica in a black sexy dress.    PHILIP: uff, you scared me Mam I did not see how you came. I am local Sheriff Philip O’... Veronica Name would be enough. How I can help you? PHILIP Well, a man got lost in that area, we tracked him by his mobile. Did you see anything? And may I see your documents? VERONICA I just came here. I did not see anything. I bough that house and waiting for designer to come. documents are at home, so let’s go inside. Youll look around. I’ ll show you my little castle.   She takes him under the arm. they walk through the abounded garden, than into the dark house. INT DINER ROOM   Fire Burning In a Fireplace. Wide bad is covered with bear skin. A small table served with bottle of wine and fruits VERONICA Sit Down please. on that bad. Her voice sounds hypnotically hushfully. The cop sits charmed with her voice.  Veronica take two glasses fill in the vine. Gives one glass to him.  VERONICA Let’s drink for our unexpected meeting. PHILIP Oh, no, I really can’t drink  VERONICA I said drink. Do not worry about anything She pushes his hand with wine to ho his mouth and he timidly makes the first sip.  VERONICA Till the end. And he makes next sip and than next. He drink as though it is a bottle .  He fells back on the bad. Veronica sits on him VERONICA Please tell me, do you want me? Touch my breasts. Philips closes his eyes falling into the darkness VO walky talky CN3 please report the situation .Officer opens his eyes and sees the huge black dog under him. HE screams and coverers his had with hands. The dog bits his left hand and puls himl with extreme power. PHILIP flies away from the bad. His prosthetic arm sticks in the moush of the monster. Policemen can no see clearly , but he catches his gun and shots in different direction YELLING.  BANG< BANG< BANG

INT. ABANDONED ASYLUM - RESIDENT WING - NIGHT JENG CASTANO (23, forceful, driving, puritanical) cautiously limps alone down the long hallway littered with broken furniture and garbage. Her footsteps are the only sound Jeng hears above her own breathing. Jeng checks her leg. The bleeding has finally stopped. As Jeng examines her leg a SHADOW moves from one open room to another across the hall. Instinctively, Jeng points her flashlight in that direction. There's nothing to see but broken furniture, garbage and more darkness. JENG: Hello? Salvatore? Kala? Aram? Jeng resumes her lonesome trek down the dark corridor. She swears the hallway has become even darker, or her flashlight is fading. Jeng flinches from the pain in her leg. A Shadow moves from another room behind Jeng into the opposite room across the hall. Jeng turns around. She holds the flashlight longer into one room and to the other. A Shadow glides right up behind Jeng. We can see her breath now. The Shadow inches closer. Jeng spins around. Nothing is there. Her hands shake uncontrollably. Jeng drops the flashlight. The flashlight stops right at Jeng's feet. The beam stretches across the hallway floor. It hits the bottom of black drapes. There are no black drapes in the-- Jeng trembles as she reaches down to pick up the flashlight, but she makes eye contact with the "black drapes". Jeng picks up the flashlight and points it straight up. Nothing. She turns the beam to the floor. Nothing. A Shadow is directly behind Jeng.

BLAST IT! I keep forgetting to put "Scene" or "Feedback" ... This is SCENE No. 7.

FEEDBACK No. 7 The dialog was sharp. It kept the scene moving forward. I was curious if there was a more organic way to introduce the bomb under the bench. I didn't fear for either of them, because I didn't think either one would make it.

We knew what you meant. It's sorta obvious.