# SCENE 1 EXT. OUTBACK - DUSK EXTREME CLOSE UP on a cell phone screen, the words “NO SIGNAL” in large letters. DONALD (OS): (Frantic) Come on…come on… CUT back to reveal Donald (55, grey hair, moustache, in a shirt & tie, drenched in sweat) standing on the roof of a light aircraft. His arm is stretched out, holding the phone high above his head. Behind him, an expanse of dry desert. ELLIE (OS): It’s not going to work Dad. CUT back further to reveal the aircraft crashed into the dirt, the windscreen cracked, the propeller bent and twisted. In the foreground we now see Ellie (15, urban clothes) idly digging into the dirt with a stick. ELLIE: Dad, give it up, it’s annoying. DONALD: (Frantic) Annoying? Oh I’m sorry I’m embarrassing you in front of your friends, while I’m trying to save our lives! Jesus! ELLIE: (Not looking up) You’re just going to waste the battery. Realising she’s probably right, Donald switches off the phone and climbs down from the aircraft. DONALD: There’s got to be someone around here. Maybe we can still make the hotel by midnight. (Screaming) HELLO!? Can anybody hear me? Ellie shakes her head and continues to dig away at the dirt with her stick, almost as if she is looking for something. Meanwhile, Donald’s screams get even more frantic and pathetic as he runs around the plane screaming in all directions. DONALD: Hello! Help! Is anybody there? Please! His call is answered by the howl of a WOLF in the distance. Donald freezes. DONALD: Jesus Ellie did you hear that? ELLIE: (Calmly) Yep. I don’t think they have coyotes out here. A wolf maybe? Ellie is by the plane rummaging through supplies. She pulls out a box of matches and some flares. DONALD: That’s it Ellie! Good girl! We’ll send up some flares! Maybe a plane will— ELLIE: Don’t be stupid Dad. Donald watches in exasperation as Ellie kneels down by some leaves and sticks she’s assembled and carefully lights them with a match. DONALD: (Breaking down) Oh my God, oh my God…I don’t believe this. We were supposed to be at Las Tapas by now! I’ve had that reservation for months! What are we going to do? Donald looks to Ellie but finds her back turned, digging away at the dirt again. DONALD: (Sarcastic) Oh sure, let Dad solve the problem! You just play with your stick over there while I try and get us out of this situation! You know Ellie, you can’t let other people solve all your problems for you— Ellie is now on her knees by a large hole she has been digging. She takes a deep breath and grimaces as she shoves her whole arm in. Her eyes widen in horror as her hands find something. She struggles with it and begins to tug hard. Dirt flies as she pulls out a huge LIZARD by the tail. Slam! In a single motion she thrashes its body into the ground and it stops moving. They both stare at the corpse. DONALD: What the hell… ELLIE:(Breathless) I saw this documentary on Netflix once. (Turning to Donald) Mum and Gary let me watch it, you know. DONALD: (Slumping to the ground) We’re stuck aren’t we… ELLIE: I think so.

SCENE #1 EXT. JUNKYARD - DAY Hot, dusty wind. A man in a leather suit and motorcycle helmet walks with great difficulty. The wind almost knocks him down. A loud squeak. A car falls, the man jumps, barely avoiding being crushed. He sees a light in the distance. Crawls with great difficulty towards the light, it's an old RV vehicle with the windows boarded up, front lights turned on. Stands up with great difficulty, knocks on the door of the RV, the door opens, he entes. INT. RV VEHICLE - DAY SARAH (20) is inside with JIM (5) AND JAMES (5), twins. JIM, JAMES Daddy is here! The man in leather suit, enters, closes the door, takes out his helmet. He's MARK (20) SARAH Hey MARK How are my boys? JIM What did you bring me, dad? Mark unzips his leather suit, takes out cans of food. MARK I found these. The were the last ones on the store. Tomorrow I'll have to search somewhere else. SARAH Not a living soul? Mark takes out a couple of toy cars, gives them to the boys. MARK Happy birthday, boys. Go play over there. They joyfully run to the other side of the RV, play with their toy cars. MARK (whispering) One city, three towns. All dead. I was thinking... maybe we're dead and this is hell. Do we want this for them? Why did we survived the event? Sarah looks at their children, playing. SARAH For them, dammit.

FEEDBACK #1 @AdamWestrbook: Very nice scene, I love the setup and the characters, I think it's very good, the characters are interesting and I like how Ellie, the younger one seems to be the one that's got a better hold of the situation.

FADE IN: INT. DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES - DAY An electronic sign displaying a “Now Serving” prompt with the appropriate LETTER+NUMBER combination. The current number reads A24. It changes to A25, accompanied by the ring of a bell, and an overtly sexualized woman’s voice. A tactic to keep the animals from rioting. SENSUAL WOMAN (V.O.) Now serving, A25 at window number 1. WILSON (16, white) is bright-eyed and bushy tailed in an outfit/haircut combo befitting of a school senior photo. This is his first rodeo. He looks at his ticket. L00. The electronic sign flips from A25, to... SENSUAL WOMAN (V.O.) Now serving, L01 at window number 4. Wilson glances at his ticket. He surveys the area to find the person with the appropriate L01 ticket. It seems to be a weathered OLD MAN (85) with the pace of a snail. OLD MAN Thank the Lord! I’m ready father! Wilson wants to say something, but to who? Suddenly an irate male patron with a noticeable foreign accent begins shouting at a desk clerk. PATRON (O.S.) I DON’T GIVE A BAKER’S FUCK! I’VE BEEN HERE FOR SIX GODDAMN HOURS! I’VE ALREADY MISSED PRICE IS RIGHT! I’M NOT WAITING ANY LONGER! NOW, FIX THIS FUCKIN- The male PATRON (45, Indian, dots not feathers) is immediately Pepper Sprayed by the indifferent female DESK CLERK (40’s, black, husky). PATRON (CONT’D) AHHHH!!! SHE GOT ME!!! YOU DEVIL WOMAN!!! A burly SECURITY GUARD (30’s, Country White) with a 5-O’clock shadow and unnecessary sunglasses, promptly tasers the man, picks him up and throws him into a garbage chute labeled IMPATIENT CUSTOMERS HERE, with an arrow to boot. Wilson looks back at his ticket. Then back to the electronic screen. It switches again. SENSUAL WOMAN (V.O.) Now serving, L02 at window number 6. Remember, patience is a virtue. SUPER: SEVERAL FUCKING HOURS LATER Wilson walks over to a free coffee maker. He grabs a Styrofoam cup that is depressingly small, and just as he’s about to fill it, the security guard slaps a yellow post-it note on it that reads, BROKIN. Before Wilson can process the bad news, the security guard sticks another post-it note to the first note that reads FOREEVER. The guard smiles at Wilson, his two front teeth missing. Wilson returns to his seat. Exasperated. TIME LAPSE OF THE ELECTRONIC SIGN MOVING FROM L01 TO L99. Wilson (75, Weathered) is old as shit, and angry as hell. He’s in the same clothes, only now they’re awkwardly tight. His eyes are much glassier than they were when he entered. The sound of a bell draws his attention. SENSUAL WOMAN (V.O.) Now serving, L00 at window number 13. Wilson rubs his eyes. EXT. DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES - DAY (59 YEARS LATER) A car pulls up, awkwardly stopping. A young DRIVING INSTRUCTOR (25), smiles knowingly. DRIVING INSTRUCTOR Well, I’m sorry to tell you old timer, but your driving skills are not up to par. You’ll have to retake the exam. The End.

FEEDBACK #1 I really enjoy the dynamic between the daughter and father, but rather than spending time bickering, there's an opportunity to play up the importance of this dinner reservation that the dad is missing out on. Perhaps it is career-related. Either way, there's more comedy to drawn out of this idea that the father still thinks he can make the reservation.

#FEEDBACK 1 @HectorG6 I like how this scene creates a sense of something bigger. Also, good job on the dialogue, I find it hard to make general day-to-day conversation sound natural and (despite the unnatural circumstances) it works here.

SCENE #1 FADE IN: INT. DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES – DAY An electronic sign displaying a “Now Serving” prompt with the appropriate LETTER+NUMBER combination. The current number reads A24. It changes to A25, accompanied by the ring of a bell, and an overtly sexualized woman’s voice. A tactic to keep the animals from rioting. SENSUAL WOMAN (V.O.) Now serving, A25 at window number 1. WILSON (16, white) is bright-eyed and bushy tailed in an outfit/haircut combo befitting of a school senior photo. This is his first rodeo. He looks at his ticket. L00. The electronic sign flips from A25, to… SENSUAL WOMAN (V.O.) Now serving, L01 at window number 4. Wilson glances at his ticket. He surveys the area to find the person with the appropriate L01 ticket. It seems to be a weathered OLD MAN (85) with the pace of a snail. OLD MAN Thank the Lord! I’m ready father! Wilson wants to say something, but to who? Suddenly an irate male patron with a noticeable foreign accent begins shouting at a desk clerk. PATRON (O.S.) I DON’T GIVE A BAKER’S FUCK! I’VE BEEN HERE FOR SIX GODDAMN HOURS! I’VE ALREADY MISSED PRICE IS RIGHT! I’M NOT WAITING ANY LONGER! NOW, FIX THIS FUCKIN- The male PATRON (45, Indian, dots not feathers) is immediately Pepper Sprayed by the indifferent female DESK CLERK (40’s, black, husky). PATRON (CONT’D) AHHHH!!! SHE GOT ME!!! YOU DEVIL WOMAN!!! A burly SECURITY GUARD (30’s, Country White) with a 5-O’clock shadow and unnecessary sunglasses, promptly tasers the man, picks him up and throws him into a garbage chute labeled IMPATIENT CUSTOMERS HERE, with an arrow to boot. Wilson looks back at his ticket. Then back to the electronic screen. It switches again. SENSUAL WOMAN (V.O.) Now serving, L02 at window number 6. Remember, patience is a virtue. SUPER: SEVERAL FUCKING HOURS LATER Wilson walks over to a free coffee maker. He grabs a Styrofoam cup that is depressingly small, and just as he’s about to fill it, the security guard slaps a yellow post-it note on it that reads, BROKIN. Before Wilson can process the bad news, the security guard sticks another post-it note to the first note that reads FOREEVER. The guard smiles at Wilson, his two front teeth missing. Wilson returns to his seat. Exasperated. TIME LAPSE OF THE ELECTRONIC SIGN MOVING FROM L01 TO L99. Wilson (75, Weathered) is old as shit, and angry as hell. He’s in the same clothes, only now they’re awkwardly tight. His eyes are much glassier than they were when he entered. The sound of a bell draws his attention. SENSUAL WOMAN (V.O.) Now serving, L00 at window number 13. Wilson rubs his eyes. EXT. DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES – DAY (59 YEARS LATER) A car pulls up, awkwardly stopping. A young DRIVING INSTRUCTOR (25), smiles knowingly. DRIVING INSTRUCTOR Well, I’m sorry to tell you old timer, but your driving skills are not up to par. You’ll have to retake the exam. The End.

#FEEDBACK 2 @Sean Great take on this prompt with the funny payoff at the end. Most of all I love the surreal Terry Gilliamesque details like the impatient customers bin and the toothless security guard.

@Sean One thing I wish I did better was have their objectives more in conflict with each other but I couldn't come up with any good ideas in the time I gave myself!

FEEDBACK #2 I enjoy the set-up. I think there is an opportunity to plant a growing danger that is inherent within this established world. Something as simple as a crane shot to reveal a ravaged city, war torn city, or something more present like a rabid animal.

FEEDBACK # 2 @Sean Patrick: Very funny, I liked the writing style, how funny it is. Your choice for a inhospitable environment is not what I would normally expect, but it works great, very funny. I also like a lot of details like the sensual woman's voice and the garbage chute. Very creative.

@Sean Thank you. I like that - a crane shot or the rabid animal would be great. I was shooting for something like a nuclear holocaust or a disastrous climate change.

SCENE #1 - NEIL VIDYA read on Dropbox: https://www.dropbox.com/s/xl8vlx6h2xtesc7/June%201%20Script%20Unhospitable.pdf?dl=0 EXT. HOTEL - DAY - BLIZZARD A HARROWING BLIZZARD, gusts of snow and noise. The outlines of a HOTEL. Pull through the ENTRANCE into... INT. HOTEL - DAY - CONTINUOUS CALM HOTEL MUSIC. PAN around the EMPTY LOBBY until we see a film crew. NATE (34), director, and KYLE (33), assistant director. NATE What's the problem, is he scared? KYLE How should I know if he's scared, I'm not a psychic. NATE Deduce! KYLE He was probably scared, yes. NATE Well tell him that this is what they did in Return of the Jedi. KYLE What, throw a man into a blizzard? NATE (hand motions) They set the camera inside, aimed out, pushed Luke Skywalker out the door in a chinchilla jacket and voila - Hoth, the ice planet! KYLE I'm sure there was a bit more to it than that... NATE Not really. KYLE So I should tell Joshi this story? NATE He'll get all pumped - he loves Star Wars. KYLE Hmm... alriiiight... KYLE reluctantly walks over to JOSHI. JOSHI I'm not going out there Kyle, whatever he told you to say- KYLE Luke Skywalker. JOSHI Yeah he's awesome, but I'm- (a beat) What? KYLE Look, it's like Luke on Hoth. JOSHI Oh, yeah... Mark Hamill in the snow in Episode 5. KYLE Yes! We need Joshi to do a Luke Skywalker. JOSHI But I'm playing a Doctor. KYLE I didn't mean literally, I meant the acting heroism. JOSHI I am heroic from time to time. KYLE Exactly, turn your fear into courage, just like Han- JOSHI OK, I get it. You can tell your master I'll do it. KYLE He's not my master. JOSHI Whatever you say... I'm in. KYLE turns around to look at Nate in the distance. KYLE (happy geek) Mission accomplished. NATE (laughing) Take it easy C3PO, let's set up the shot. JOSHI (whispering to Kyle) I told you - master! CUT TO: EXT. BLIZZARD - DAY We see JOSHI walking outside in a coiffed wig and Doctor's gown. He looks utterly contrived. JOSHI The vaccine... it's in the snow... it's the only thing that will save me... and the polar bears. Augh! JOSHI takes a step and loses a boot. Then another boot. Then his scarf comes off. Icicles are freezing on his beard. He falls to his knees. NATE Hold that for a beat! JOSHI pauses in the snow. We do an ECU on Joshi's face and see his eyes are strained, staring directly at NATE. NATE One more beat.... JOSHI's eyes. NATE and... JOSHI's eyes. NATE CUT! JOSHI kicks himself up and high steps it back inside towards the crew, flipping snow everywhere as he enters... INT. HOTEL - DAY - CONTINUOUS JOSHI is loosing obscenities in pure adrenaline. NATE (calming) Fantastic Joshi, just wow... (to Kyle) Do you think we could... KYLE No... NATE (quickly) possibly another angle... KYLE Next shot! Let's go everyone!! NATE tosses his script in the air. JOSHI smiles.

SCENE 1 FADE IN EXT. KOREA 1950 - UNSAN JUNGLE - NIGHT Two soldiers in the 24th Infantry Division and the pistol wielding CHAPLAIN sprint towards the bank of trees up ahead. DICK, strapping young man of 23 leads the way with a bazooka bouncing in stride upon his back. GEORGE, Dick's older brother brings up the rear two handing a machine gun as he struggles keep a hold of his heavy baby. CHAPLAIN: We will be court marshaled for this. GEORGE: Keep running father. DICK: Here. They dash behind the trees panting, almost collapsing from the sprint. DICK: Breathe father, we still have a lot of ground to cover. CHAPLAIN: We should have grabbed the radio, we have to warn the others. GEORGE: Were you going to carry that thing? DICK: One minute and we keep moving, this place is a wasteland. CHAPLAIN: Wasteland of Eden. The brothers don't share the Chaplain's view and shake their heads at the thought, that this hell hole used to be Eden in some lost version of history. CHAPLAIN: A ring of fire to keep us out. DICK: Alright let's move. A bullet zips past Dick's ear. DICK: Move! Dick starts running again, George drops his gun and catches the Chaplain as he collapses right in front of him, Dick turns but is unphased. DICK: George let's go. Another bullet zips past, George hears it but can't process the situation. He guides the Chaplain's limp body to the ground before looking back at their base in the distance. He sees the dance of flames start to spread toward the base. DICK (V.O.): George, I need you! George, please! His little brother's pleas pierce the deafening silence of George's shock. He grabs the pistol stuffing it in his waistband then picks up the machine gun. Once again cradling his deadly baby, George's protective confidence returns and he catches up to his brother. DICK: The Father caught it? GEORGE: He's better off than we are. Dick and George head south wading through the dense jungle as the flames illuminate the darkness behind them, engulfing the Chaplain and his wasteland of Eden.

CRITIQUE #1 Love an intro where something’s going wrong. The moment where Ellie points out the batteries while “not looking up” establishes her as interesting to me. Clever, seen-it-all teenage girl. I think there are lines that could do double duty of revealing more about the character while advancing the plot. For instance, when DONALD is freaking out, what if he has a moment where he asks Ellie, DONALD Wait, your mother! Did you tell your mother you’re here? She’ll know where we are. ELLIE She doesn’t know any details. DONALD You didn’t say anything about the trip? ELLIE Not really. DONALD How much do you tell her? ELLIE Oh dad, not now, we’ve got a real problem. DONALD Well I just find it odd she has just stopped caring about our life! ELLIE What’s in that bag? DONALD Don’t try to distract- oh yeah, there may be flares in that bag!

SCENE 1: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY A beat-up, mid-90s HONDA ACCORD zips along the highway under pale, gray skies. The surrounding COUNTRYSIDE is caught in Winter’s chokehold. INT. CAR - SAME A YOUNG MAN (19), with flushed cheeks and a windbreaker, shivers as he drives. He turns the radio on. Nothing but RELIGIOUS PROGRAMMING. Irritated, he shuts the radio off. In the passenger seat, a comfortable-looking YOUNG WOMAN (19) in fashionable winter attire is absorbed with her smartphone. She spots a SIGN up ahead: The Fried Pie Co. - Next Exit. YOUNG WOMAN: Let’s try there. EXT. FRIED PIE PARKING LOT - SAME The Accord pulls up next to a FORD F-150 4X4. The Young Couple get out and head towards the entrance. The truck sports a CONFEDERATE FLAG AND A BUMPER STICKER in the cabin window that says, “2nd Place Is Last Place.” AT THE ENTRANCE The Young Man and Woman fail to notice the SIGN BY THE DOOR as they enter: We Proudly Support Open Carry! INT. FRIED PIE - SAME The NOISY dining room is packed with HAPPY CUSTOMERS. A HOSTESS motions that she’ll be with them in a moment. The Young Man looks ecstatic. YOUNG MAN (touching his face): Ohmigod, I can feel my nose again. He grabs her hand and puts it to his nose. YOUNG MAN: Here, touch it. The Young Woman yanks her hand back to his delight. YOUNG WOMAN: Ew, stop. Now I know why Mom and Dad held you back. They both take their coats off. YOUNG MAN (re: the Hostess): She’s ready for us. The Hostess approaches with two menus and a warm smile -- which melts away. The dining room goes SILENT. The Young Couple looks at each other, confused and unnerved. PULL BACK TO REVEAL their T-SHIRTS: He’s feeling The Bern and she’s with Hillary. EXT. FRIED PIE PARKING LOT The BUMPER STICKER on the back of the Accord reads: Get Out The Vote!

GLG Scene 1 EXT. SPHERICAL VESSEL IN SPACE – ETERNAL NIGHT. OR MAYBE DAY. WHO KNOWS? Pirate vessel Rising Sun is docked beside an open portal on the 60’ diameter alien spheroid. What little light there is comes from a distant sun and the too-bright searchbeams of the Rising Sun. The alien hatch cover is held to one side on internally-mounted scissors hinges, giving full access to the portal. MACAFEE and BARRIS, suited up against the cold and vacuum, shove a long telescoping ladder from the Rising Sun into the darkness of the spheroid. MacAfee lets go, and the ladder shakes as Barris’s hands tremble. MACAFEE: Settle down! BARRIS: Easy for you to say; you’ve been in one of these motherfroggers before. Number 5. MACAFEE: That was docked in a Space Service port and already stripped and studied by the Physicals. Do you want me to send Yates in first? MacAfee steadies the ladder and secures it to a davit on the Rising Sun. BARRIS: I won the toss; I’m going in first. MACAFEE: Then for God’s sake, get focused on where you are and what you’re doing. BARRIS: I’m going in. Barris crawls out on the ladder, inching towards the portal. MacAfee gets on the horn: MACAFEE: Yates! Going in. YATES: (O.C., staticky) Copy. BARRIS: Which one is this? The twenty-third? MACAFEE: If the Space Service saw it, they’d log it as Alien Spheroid Number 22. BARRIS: But they won’t. It’s our own, personal, Number One Alien Spheroid. We could be frogging rich. MACAFEE: If we don’t get caught... BARRIS: If we don’t get caught. MACAFEE: ...If we don’t get killed. BARRIS: (dismissive) You think there’s some sort of alien boogey man lurking on board? MACAFEE: Have you wondered why the owners didn’t take time to close the door behind them when they left? Barris halts. The ladder starts vibrating again. MACAFEE: (On the intercom, staticky) Yates, maybe you’d better suit up. YATES: (O.C., staticky) Roger. Suiting up. MACAFEE: (to Barris) You going to stay there all day? BARRIS: I was just resting. MACAFEE: From here, it looked like you were pissing your pantaloons. Barris reaches up and turns on his helmet beams and camera, creeps forward along the ladder to the portal’s edge, then stops and gawks around the interior. He holds perfectly still, looking down at the deck. MACAFEE: See anything? BARRIS: Dust. All over everything. Should there be dust? MACAFEE: Maybe. This thing has been here since God knows. The Physicals guess Number 5 is millions of years old. BARRIS: But did they find dust? MACAFEE: No, it was sealed when the Space Service found it. BARRIS: Then they didn’t find tracks, either. MacAfee flips on his wrist monitor and sees what Barris’s camera sees. Barris’s camera zooms in on bipedal footprints crossing the deck below him, leading into the Alien Spheroid.

SCENE #1 EXT. OIL RIG - DAY A small dive boat bobbles in the choppy water. A line connected to the boat slowly descends into the water. INT. OCEAN - DAY Blue. Everywhere. It’s Dark. Cold. And Vulnerable. We follow the line down into the abyss until we reach - A DEEP SEA DIVER. He resembles an underwater astronaut. Dressed in a thick suit. Slow in movement through the heavy water. Finally, the diver reaches his point and his descent stops just in front of a support beam of the Oil Rig. CLOSE UP on DIVE HELMET. A helmet LED is turned on. It eclipses the dark ocean. SAM: (Into his headset) 347 ft marks the spot. JUILEE: (V.O) You’re actually around 600 ft Sam. SAM: Are you trying to send me to Davy Jones locker? He pulls out his welding tool and begins to work on the support beam. JUILEE: I’d be more worried about Sharks, actually. SAM: (beat) I told you to never say the word “Sharks” over the radio. Sam begins welding and sparks emit. JUILEE: You forget that I’m the one who can leave you down there. SAM: You don’t want me to send the giant squid after the boat do ya? - He’s cut off by a song. Juilee has put “Francoise Hardy by Tous Les Garcons” on the speaker. We settle with Sam as he works with finesse. Then we begin to pull back as we observe the scene unfold with the song. It’s a peaceful moment. A rare feeling of bliss found in the unthinkable space. Then, we see the silhouette of a large sea monster pass us headed towards Sam. FADE OUT

GLG Feedback 1: I'm not sure of the objective, but if it was to establish that Donald is an ijjit, the scene could be a lot shorter. If the aim was to make Ellie look smart, there are better ways to do it than to make Donald stupid. There's the practical matter of how could she "idly" dig a deep, narrow hole with only a stick in hard, dry soil, in the time given. Outback and wolf don't match up. Dingo? Other than those quibbles, the scene has several good elements: interesting dialogue, a vivid description of the damaged plane, and a situation very appropriate for the assignment.

That was fun.

SCENE 1 EXT. DESERT - DAWN A sea of sand. The blazing sun begins it's ascent from beyond the endless horizon, causing a shimmering wave to wash over the desert. Its light reflects in the awed eyes of COOPER, 30s, who watches the sunrise from just outside his makeshift tent, the only break in the tan ocean. Cooper, hair slicked back still in a lack of products, white button up shirt brown from many days of wear, tie still loose around his neck, lifts his hand and begins speaking into something with a coarse, but chipper voice. COOPER Sunrise, Diane, approximately 5:30am if my track of the axial shift is correct, which it usually is. I wish you could see it; no matter how many mornings I spend watching it I still end up breathless. And yet-- He raises the arm holding what he speaks into to block his weary eyes from the intense light quickly engulfing his surroundings. A moment of gravity. COOPER --yet another sunrise means another long day in this endless hell. He stands then, bruising the now hot sand from his tattered suit pants, and turns towards the tent, still talking into the apparatus as he walks. COOPER (chipper tone returns) Though I can't complain too much about my current abode, Diane. It has the cozy isolation of that cabin we once vacationed at in the Rockies. I can still remember your face when we pulled up. "They should have put 'to scale' on the brochure", you said. Always know how to make me smile. INT. TENT - MORNING As Cooper leans to enter the tent, we note that it is actually a suit jacket sewn crudely together by dental floss. He leans in to check on an expensive briefcase, open and filled with the slightest amount of water. With a embroidered handkerchief he dabs at the liquid and uses it to dampen his dry lips. Now his voice has a little of an educated base. COOPER If you can imagine it, Diane, it rains here more often than you'd expect. Not enough to water the lawn, but enough to get by. Though it pains me to allow the water to ruin your gift. He crawls further into the tent, where above him it suddenly changes from black silk to the white canvas of a parachute. COOPER Today I think I'll take another crack at that crossword, Diane. I'm feeling confident I'll get that final word. You know too well that I never give up on a challenge. Too stubborn, you'd probably say. Well if I wasn't stubborn, I wouldn't have you, now would I? Now at the end of his own four star resort, Cooper settles down on a fire blanket, his head propped up on a travel pillow.~ He pulls out a faded newspaper, a worn down pencil, and a travel size bottle of vodka. For a few moments he sits in silence, sips the drink, and taps the newspaper with the pencil. Then, a smile. After scribbling on the paper, he raises his hand again. We see now he has been talking into a bar of soap. COOPER "Voyager", Diane. Well, you know what they say, it always seems so simple once you know the answer. I wonder what simple solutions will present themselves to me next?

FEEDBACK 1 Very nicely described scene here Scott. I really liked the initial setup and the penultimate scene. Oddly enough, the ending fell a little flat for me. I think the reader expects something to happen here, but maybe inject a little more mystery in it? Even saying instead "a large silhouette pass us" might drive it better. Overall great read, though.

I like it, but I'm not sure what the backstory is. No apostrophes in personal pronouns. Shows talent!

Scene 1 EXT. AFRICAN REFUGEE CAMP- NIGHT Two South African children Joseph and Barry are underneath a damp tent as rain and lightning strikes down around them. Joseph (15) is shakily holding up a flashlight while Barry (10) looks nervously around. Joseph- Remember what I said about talking to strange people? Barry- (anxious) Sure. Joseph- Remember what Baba and Mama said about lying? Barry- (anxious) I guess so. Joseph moves closer to a trembling Barry and places a blanket around him. Barry hugs the wool blanket tightly around him only leaving his head uncovered. Barry- (relieved) When is this storm gonna end? Joseph- When it ends like always. You need to be ready for tomorrow so get some rest. Barry- I’m not tired. Joseph- Barry, I don’t want to argue with you. Barry- Then don’t. You’re not Baba and you can’t keep making me do whatever you say! Joseph moves his head to peer outside the tent. The ground is soaked. Puddles, mud, and over a dozen bright yellow tents with small flickers of light just like theirs. Surrounded by a heavy barb wire fence that ran all across the encampment. Joseph- These men aren’t our friends Barry. This place is not our home. Baba’s dead. Barry- I think we should just stay here and wait for Baba and Mama. Joseph- Barry do you understand they’re gone. Barry it’s just you and me now. Barry looks up directly into Joseph’s eyes. His face blows up into a giant Cheshire cat smile that grows ear to ear. His gaze wanders off to the dimly lit tents outside then quickly back to Joseph. Joseph- What Barry? What!? Barry- Oh you don’t know. Joseph stares at Barry puzzled then glances back outside. Joseph- I don’t know what Barry? Barry- (excited)- Baba’s friend told us to stay up extra late tonight. Joseph- Baba’s friend? Barry- Yes he told us we could sleep inside tonight and eat as much as we want to. Barry removes the blanket with his hands still shaking and grabs a dirty balled up shirt in the corner of the tent. Joseph moves closer to inspect the what Barry was cradling in his hands. The shirt was white with small patches of green and red also was way too big for Barry. Joseph- Where did you get that? Barry- Baba’s Friend he said you could come too. Just gotta remember I’m the boss and you have to follow me. Joseph (irritated)- Who are you talking about!? Baba’s friends are dead. Mama is dead. Baba is gone! I’m sick of you making up stories for the last damn time where did you get that from!? Barry sulks his head down. Joseph notices this and calms down. He reaches for the shirt but Barry jerks it away. Joseph- I’m sorry Barry. Barry- I didn’t want you to go anyway! Barry takes off running bursting out the tent with the shirt tucked at his side. Joseph (screams)- BARRY!!!! The wind and rain from the storm smacks Joseph to the ground as he pursues Barry through both the storm and the camp. The lights from the other tents go black as the two kids run by. Barry slips in the mud dropping both the shirt and a green round object. Joseph rushes over to Barry pulling him up. Joseph- What the Hell is wrong with you!? Why would you……. Joseph stops and that the shirt was that of a rebel soldier. Joseph takes a full look all around the camp to behold all the tents outside are covered with those same shirts. Joseph- (afraid)- Barry…….is this Baba’s friend shirt? Barry reaches down next to it and picks up the green object. Barry- (giggling) He also gave me this. Joseph- (screams)- BARRY!!! A group loud explosions follow from tent to tent. The refugee camp is laid to waste.

Scene 1 EXT. AFRICAN REFUGEE CAMP- NIGHT Two South African children Joseph and Barry are underneath a damp tent as rain and lightning strikes down around them. Joseph (15) is shakily holding up a flashlight while Barry (10) looks nervously around. Joseph- Remember what I said about talking to strange people? Barry- (anxious) Sure. Joseph- Remember what Baba and Mama said about lying? Barry- (anxious) I guess so. Joseph moves closer to a trembling Barry and places a blanket around him. Barry hugs the wool blanket tightly around him only leaving his head uncovered. Barry- (relieved) When is this storm gonna end? Joseph- When it ends like always. You need to be ready for tomorrow so get some rest. Barry- I’m not tired. Joseph- Barry, I don’t want to argue with you. Barry- Then don’t. You’re not Baba and you can’t keep making me do whatever you say! Joseph moves his head to peer outside the tent. The ground is soaked. Puddles, mud, and over a dozen bright yellow tents with small flickers of light just like theirs. Surrounded by a heavy barb wire fence that ran all across the encampment. Joseph- These men aren’t our friends Barry. This place is not our home. Baba’s dead. Barry- I think we should just stay here and wait for Baba and Mama. Joseph- Barry do you understand they’re gone. Barry it’s just you and me now. Barry looks up directly into Joseph’s eyes. His face blows up into a giant Cheshire cat smile that grows ear to ear. His gaze wanders off to the dimly lit tents outside then quickly back to Joseph. Joseph- What Barry? What!? Barry- Oh you don’t know. Joseph stares at Barry puzzled then glances back outside. Joseph- I don’t know what Barry? Barry- (excited)- Baba’s friend told us to stay up extra late tonight. Joseph- Baba’s friend? Barry- Yes he told us we could sleep inside tonight and eat as much as we want to. Barry removes the blanket with his hands still shaking and grabs a dirty balled up shirt in the corner of the tent. Joseph moves closer to inspect the what Barry was cradling in his hands. The shirt was white with small patches of green and red also was way too big for Barry. Joseph- Where did you get that? Barry- Baba’s Friend he said you could come too. Just gotta remember I’m the boss and you have to follow me. Joseph (irritated)- Who are you talking about!? Baba’s friends are dead. Mama is dead. Baba is gone! I’m sick of you making up stories for the last damn time where did you get that from!? Barry sulks his head down. Joseph notices this and calms down. He reaches for the shirt but Barry jerks it away. Joseph- I’m sorry Barry. Barry- I didn’t want you to go anyway! Barry takes off running bursting out the tent with the shirt tucked at his side. Joseph (screams)- BARRY!!!! The wind and rain from the storm smacks Joseph to the ground as he pursues Barry through both the storm and the camp. The lights from the other tents go black as the two kids run by. Barry slips in the mud dropping both the shirt and a green round object. Joseph rushes over to Barry pulling him up. Joseph- What the Hell is wrong with you!? Why would you……. Joseph stops and that the shirt was that of a rebel soldier. Joseph takes a full look all around the camp to behold all the tents outside are covered with those same shirts. Joseph- (afraid)- Barry…….is this Baba’s friend shirt? Barry reaches down next to it and picks up the green object. Barry- (giggling) He also gave me this. Joseph- (screams)- BARRY!!! A group loud explosions follow from tent to tent. The refugee camp is laid to waste.

(Scene 1 – Megaen Kelly) EXT. FOOTBALL (SOCCER) STADIUM – DAY Two young men wearing trench coats are walking up the ramp from the outside of the stadium on their way to the stands. They appear excited and happy. However, when they reach the stands their attitude changes quickly. SHAWN (in shock) Oh my god! Ray just stands there looking around. SHAWN (in earnest) We have to go – now! Ray walks up to the railing separating the pitch from the stands and looks across at the opposite side of the stadium. Shawn follows him. SHAWN (in exasperation) Wow – did we blow it or what! Ray seems to have made a decision. While his lips curl in a wicked smile, he has steely determination in his eyes. Shawn looks at him in dismay. SHAWN C’mon Ray – we gotta go! Now! Ray shakes his head no. Then he turns around and faces the fans who are on their feet looking at their team on the pitch, not really noticing the two young men in trench coats. SHAWN (with emphasis) We’ll get murdered! Ray continues smiling at Shawn as he slowly starts to unbutton his trench coat. Shawn realises there is no hope of leaving with Ray, so he too slowly starts unbuttoning his trench coat. Slowly, the noisy crowd in red and gold start going quiet and avert their attention from the pitch to the two young men who have painted their torsos and arms in green and white. RAY (with enthusiasm) Let’s go Shamrocks! END SCENE

Feedback 1 This was unexpected in a good way. The setting, the situation, the 'action', everything. Good brief detail on the 'types' of people. This one scene would make me want to read more of this script.

Feedback 2 This was unexpected and compelling. It makes me want to know more about what happens next. The dialog was natural and helped build the tension of the scene. Good job.

SCENE #1 INT. MARS LANDING CAPSULE - DAY 1,071 Gray smoke fills the command seat area. Critical warnings flash. Alerts scream. CAPTAIN LEWIS scrambles up the ladder from The Penelope, into her jump seat and fumbles with the harness through her thick spacesuit gloves. Finally, *click*. Below, COMMANDER SMYTHE grabs hold of the base of the ladd---WHAM! Another explosion, but this time deeper: from somewhere in Penelope’s core. Smythe loses her grip on the rung and the sudden change in inertia throws her down the ship’s corridor and out of sight. LEWIS: SARAH! No response. No sign of Smythe below, only much darker smoke. It quickly rises and begins to blot out the monitors and readouts. Lewis flails in vain to dissipate the black clouds. Wheezing, she slams her helmet in place. It locks, but it too is filled with smoke. Blind and suffocating, Lewis stabs blindly at the PANEL on the wrist of her suit for the PURGE BUTTON. She misses, instead activating her suit’s AUDIO PLAYER. BEYONCE (singing): All the single ladies! Lewis pokes again, but only succeeds in blasting the VOLUME louder now than even the sirens of the dying vessel. BEYONCE (singing) - ALL THE SINGLE LADIES! The music blares and Lewis closes her eyes. She takes her finger off the panel and instead traces around its outer edge. The feeling of its shape gives her a flash memory of the button layout. She closes her eyes and presses her finger down once more. Success. Her helmet purges the smoke in a puff. Lewis gulps in the clean O2 from her tanks. She can see inside her helmet, but the smoke inside the capsule has grown even thicker. Lewis raises the panel on her arm right up the helmet and turns off the music. Alerts and sirens continue. She activates the flashlight on her glove. With her other hand she waves away clouds of smoke to reveal a screen of DETACHMENT PROTOCOLS. But as she tries to enter the initiation protocols, smoke blocks her view again. She brings the wrist panel back to her face and activates her radio connection to the ship’s intercom. LEWIS: SARAH! COMMANDER SMYTHE! DO YOU COPY! SMYTHE (through crackling radio): Copy, Captain Lewis. LEWIS: Get your ass in this capsule NOW! There’s too much smoke. I can’t see up here. I need you to get up here and help me enter the detachment codes. INT. PENELOPE CORRIDOR - SAME Smythe sits slumped on the floor, twenty feet from the airlock to the landing capsule, one finger on the intercom. A jagged piece of metal framing enters one side of her spacesuit leg and out the other, a small pool of blood collecting beneath her thigh. Rising smoke covers the upper half of the corridor and pours into the hatch leading to the landing capsule. SMYTHE: My suit’s been compromised, Cap. Leg too. I’ll never make it up that ladder in time and I won’t survive 30 seconds down there. Back in the capsule command seat, Lewis stiffens in silent realization. SMYTHE: Besides, you never liked me all that much anyway. Lewis smiles as tears well up in the corners of her eyes. She shakes them away. LEWIS: You don’t know when the reactor is gonna blow, Commander. I order you--- SMYTHE: I resign my commission, Captain. I am now a mutineer. A space mutineer. You strapped in? LEWIS (through tears): Affirmative. Smythe pulls herself to her feet and hobbles to the base of airlock ladder, staying low to avoid the smoke. She punches a code into a KEYPAD and new alarms ring out. LOCKING MECHANISMS on a LEVER release. “MANUAL OVERRIDE - LANDING CAPSULE DETACH” flashes on every screen nearby. Smythe grabs the lever with one hand and presses another intercom switch with the other. SMYTHE: I’m going to clear that smoke for you, Cap. Then you get your hatch sealed before entry. Finish the mission. All the way. LEWIS: Sarah, I--- Smythe puts her finger back on the intercom switch, silencing Lewis. She closes her eyes, takes a beat and then pulls the lever.

I wouldn't say the objective was to make Donald look stupid, more to show two people responding very differently to a difficult situation. One person panics, the other keeps their calm. Ideally I wanted to have those two things in conflict with each other but I didn't manage it!

That's a great suggestion, having the dialogue do two things! I guess that's something I would try and work in in a rewrite?

SCENE #1 EXT. UNDERWATER – DAY JON (27, massive beard) pops his eyes open and opens his mouth. He tries to swim out, but his left leg is tied to a rock. He tugs at his leg. He’s got a mouth full of water and his eyes pop open. He finally gets his legs out and swims as fast as he can. His left leg is still trailing behind the rest of his body. He looks around and sees a giant black mass next to him. He pops his head out of the water and looks all around him. In front of him is a helicopter in flames. JON: Son of a bitch! He paddles over to the burning wreck. He pulls himself up into the side door and unlocks it. INT. BURNING HELICOPTER – DAY The whole cockpit is on fire. He turns away from the flames and goes through the black box. He pulls it open and puts the tape on the machine. MATT (30) and ROGER (32) are heard on the tape. MATT (VO): How much longer is it? ROGER (VO): Jon’s only a couple clicks away. Comm says they’re trying to drown him. MATT (VO): I guess now is as good a time as ever. ROGER (VO): What is that supposed to mean? Jon hears a CLICK and then a GUNSHOT, followed by ALARMS and then an abrupt CUT. JON: That fucking bastard. Jon turns into the cockpit and hears a WHISTLING sound. He makes the faint outline of a gas tank. He jumps out of the door and dives back into the water. EXT. UNDERWATER – DAY The helicopter EXPLODES while he dives deeper down. Jon surfaces up to see the helicopter in pieces.

Adam, you did succeed in making them respond differently. Maybe step back and look at their wants and needs before revising the scene. Some unwritten back-story might also clarify your objective(s). As written, Donald would be, say, Ellie's prospective step-father.

FEEDBACK # 3 I loved the references to Star Wars, I think you use them for a great effect, very funny. I think it would be convenient to add more reactions from Joshi to the cold in the end, I'd really like to see him suffering a little out there in the cold, in the end it seems it was too easy for him. But overall it's a great scene.

FEEDBACK #4 It's a very exciting scene, I liked the characters. I do feel it would be a little more powerful if one of the brothers had doubts due to religious grounds. If one of them was a religious man and even in such a dire situation he had some doubts about what he is about to do. But it's a very good scene just as it is.

[ Scene 1 ] INT. SUBMARINE KITCHEN - DAY Uniformed Anna (20) enters and greeted by the man in charge, Greg (24), the culinary specialist. ANNA: Sir, I've been asked to assist you GREG: Yes. You guys are going to have a feast tonight, from all the food we will be clearing to make room. ANNA: Make room, sir? GREG: For Albert Anna is puzzled, Greg points to a white sheet on the table where there is an underlying body. Anna is shocked. GREG: Go ahead, take a look ANNA: It's okay GREG: Aren't you curious? Go ahead Anna advances slowly to the table and raises the sheet, to reveal Albert underneath it. Albert OPENS HIS EYES and SCREAMS. Startled Anna runs out of the Kitchen. ALBERT: So, What's for dinner?

[ Feedback 1 ] I loved the relationship between the characters and I'm intrigued to know how will they get out. I was missing a focus on the importance of their destination, and I felt like there are too many random beats (phone, matches, lizard) to not have a payoff for them in the end. I liked the way you've integrated the Mom's relationship.

[ Feedback 2 ] I liked the introduction to this world and showing how the dad takes care of his family. It felt a little unbalanced, mentioning that "this is hell" and then referring the real world situation, was looking for maybe some reflection from Sarah at midpoint.

Feedback #1: I really like the world you're creating, and that you bend this normal environment into a surreal and insane environment. I love the mentions upon a second read (the old man saying "I'm ready father" and how impatient customers are thrown away). However, I would still like some objective and purpose from Wilson. Besides getting some coffee and being rejected, he's rather passive. It would great to see him interact with this weird world instead of sitting by and letting it happen.

[ Scene 1 ] EXT. – NIGHT Confused Yusuf (6) is being pushed into an abandoned well in the middle of an empty desert by his four brothers (17, 14, 13, and 12). He struggles to not fall in and is clawing into his brother's (14) arm. Yusuf: (scream) No! Please! Stop! Sounds of struggle, as the brothers keep pushing. Brother (17): (frantic) Hurry! Brother (12) tries to cover Yusuf's mouth with his hand. Brother (14): I can't, he's moving too much. (struggling) He's not quitting. Brother (13): Just like his mother. Yusuf's fear intensifies, he feels his grip loosening, and his tears fall uncontrollably. Yusuf: (tearful and begging) please, don't leave me. Brother (14) manages to pull free and gives one last mighty push with both hands to Yusuf's chest. Yusuf tears a piece of brother's (14) shirt as his descends into the tightly-spaced well. Standing over the well, Brother (17): (concerned) what will he say? what will we say? Brother (14): (bleak) He has other sons. The brothers walk back towards home. The darkness of the night sky, empty desert, and the faint sounds of the winds howling are all that they are leaving behind.

I just want to add that I only recently mustered up the courage to write and so this is my very first attempt at writing a scene/script/screenplay. I apologize in advance for the beginner format/writing/wrong use of terminology that I bring to this writing challenge and appreciate all the feedback I can get. - Thanks.

FEEDBACK #1 I really enjoyed reading your scene. The irony of how the two characters are reacting to the situation as opposed to how one would "normally" think such characters would react is interesting. What I find even more interesting though, is the relationship between the two. It's at a level of casual where one couldn't whether they were father and daughter or just friends. From the dialogue I am assuming Ellie is usually left taking care of herself since both her parents seem self-involved. I think trying to get out of this situation will help both Ellie learn she has a father who cares and is emotionally available and Donald will learn work and money are important but that he needs to slow down and appreciate what he's got before it's gone. I'm not sure if that's what you were intending, if not, I do apologize.

I think you don´t have to worry about formating here in this forum and challenge. That scene really calls for a resolution, it´s raising about the highest stakes I can imagine. So good job for setting up this horror (I really have adrenaline in my blood now). I personally need a glimpse of hope to continue watching that film. So maybe leave the scenario with something to show the story isn´t over at this point. If you indicate: there is a hook -then you´d have the audience begging for the next scene.

FEEDBACK 1 Hi Jeff, I really like the set up and tension that you are created through dialogue . It was really interesting to read the scene . But i did not found resolution in the end. Something should happen. (explosion, Attack, fight, invasion (what ever) that would give me a start. But really nice work. Thank you!

Feedback 2 Hi, I totally agree with Paula. I see the conflict, but not really clear what happened next. There must be a resolution. And that is not clear what is the reason of that fight.

Feedback 3 Hi. I really lie the scene and the tension that you created. You made a really good job in building the world and dramatizing. The only one thing that: make it shorter. Delete some words. And that would be easier to read. Faster.

Feedback #1: You've captured the frantic feel of a battle zone efficiently. Would be interesting to understand what the soldiers are risking being court marshaled for.

Hi Paula, thanks so much for the feedback. I wanted to make the scene a little longer to include how Yusuf does not die and indicate how he does come out. Unfortunately due to work and on a time-crunch I couldn't figure out how to work it into the scene.

Hi Kuznetsov, I understand that I sort of left the scene without any indication of what is going to happen next but I thought I made is subtly clear on why the conflict began. This was with the brothers' disdain for Yusuf's mother, the fact that they are his brothers and so share a father since the mother is different, and the hint that their father would ask about Yusuf because of the father's love and concern for Yusuf. This was to help the audience to understand that the brothers are clearly jealous of Yusuf. I was intentional in only hinting at it, as the following parts of the movie delve further into it.

SCENE #1 EXT. ARCTIC GLACIER - DAY Blinding light reflecting off the icy desert. In the distance, there is a figure moving slowly across the horizon, dragging something. UP CLOSE The figure stops. Breathing is laboured. Removes the mask from his face revealing a thick beard with ice crystals forming in it. He pulls out a GPS navigator. A flashing blip shows his position. Reads ‘calculating distance...’. BEAT GPS switches itself off. He tries to turn it on again. Nothing. Taps the side. Nothing. He puts it away and pulls out a map. He turns it upside down. Then around again. The man, Dr. Peter Sonna (45), falls on his knees. PETER: (screaming) AARGH! AARGH! Are you happy now? You.. He staggers onto his knees, walks around to the big lump that he’s been dragging and kicks it repeatedly. PETER: You fucking selfish bastard! If you had listened to me... He breaks down, crying. PETER: You would still be alive. (beat) I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can make it to the outpost with you. I always told you that you dragged me down, even when we were kids and pickin’ up girls. (smiling) You always had to be the serious one. Remember when you had your first crush on Samantha Jones and you made a card for her written in letters from the periodic table. You were such a nerd. I always got the girls but you were always the true scientist. You happy now? You died for your work. That’s what you always wanted. My own brother, found the cure to cancer in a chunk of ice, but too dead to receive his Nobel fucking prize. (beat) What you’ve done will change the world. But I still want you back Adam. The wind picks up and snow begins to fall. Peter covers his face, carrying his back pack, walks into the blizzard.

nice! I like this scene, especially the describtions at the beginning really evoced visuals. There are two tiny bumps that made me believe it less: the repeated turning around of the map. That seems unlikely for a man who has come this far. And the speech seems a bit too much for the audience, not for the brother. Maybe a tad less here? Plus it is actually not quite certain if this "cure for cancer" will ever make it to the rest of the world, right? he might be less certain of that? Like: "I swear I will get your work out of the ice," and then a brothery bet-type-thing? Just ideas. I enjoyed the read!

Thank you Paula! Those are all great suggestions and make total sense. It makes a huge difference when other people read your work. You are a highly incisive reader! Thanks again :)

Catching up on all these prompts. Mostly just to oil the rust out of my writing joints. UNTITLED - IDEA THAT JUST CAME TO ME ON STARDUST. EXT. DARK CITY STREET - DISTANT FUTURE - NIGHT Remnants of paved streets wind jaggedly around the shells of broken buildings and piles of stone and rubble. Any trees or vegetation that once grew here has long died. We come up behind a lone figure cloaked in a dirty patchwork of rags kneeling over a filthy, black, pool of water. Thin, grimy hands with broken nails of various lengths, cup water vigorously to drink. Their face obscured by unwashed, tangled hair. Nothing else moves. A cat hisses. The figure freezes; listens. The click of a gun. The figure whips around. With mottled skin, one gray eye and one yellow eye it's unrecognizable as a man or woman. Baring animal like fanged teeth it lets out something between a hiss and a growl then dashes away like a ferrel animal. TYRUS Fuckin' Creepers. TYRUS MAULKIN, a tall man in his 30's, lowers his weapon; a futuristic modified rifle. It's twin hangs over his shoulder. Two modified hand guns are strapped to each hip and two more smaller ones are buckled across his chest. He wears just enough body armor to protect him without restricting his movements. It's not regulation but he doesn't give a shit. Tyrus pulls a small nav computer from his pocket and flips it open. A holographic map of the street is displayed. Two blue dots blink on an overview map in the corner. Multiple red dots are scattered about; some sitting still, others moving erratically. He clicks a button on his headset. TYRUS Zulu. You find anything, copy? ZULU (over headset) Not yet. How are we even going to find this "Preacher" guy? TYRUS Simple. Find the part of the city where the Creepers don't go. ZULU Ya well it's not the Creepers I'm worried about. TYRUS Copy that. I'm headed towards you. Stay put. I don't want to be in this shit pile any longer than I have to. ZULU I hear ya. Out. Pinpointing Zulu's position he put the nav away, readies his rifle and makes his way through the rubble. His foot kicks something and let's out a dull CLANG. He looks at the tarnished metal and wipes some of the dirt away. Tyrus eyes it curiously and moves on. We stay back and CLOSE ON METAL A familiar crack and we can just make out the words "LIBERTY BELL". This is Philadelphia, 2451, but now it's simply known as "THE HOLE".

It's a bit short compared to the assigned 1.5 to 2 pages, but resolution is not necessary. Cliff-hanger scenes are common in movies. If you've left readers wanting more, you've been successful. If anything, you might add to the opening, showing them all friendly to Yusef's face until they see the well. We should all have known what was coming as soon as we saw the well in the desert. We should all recognize this story.

GLG Feedback #9 Catchy concept. Reminds me a lot of the closing shot of "Planet of the Apes," with a bell instead of the Statue of Liberty. But nowhere on the Liberty Bell does it say, "Liberty Bell." The descriptives set the scene well, but could be tightened. Good dialogue. Don't use 'copy,' though; it's not needed there. The last line is pure exposition and would be better up front. Mind the punctuation and spelling throughout.

HI Jeff - You're right about the "Liberty Bell". Should have looked that up while spitting this out. ? If I ever use this for something (should an actual story come to mind) I'll make sure to do that. Agree about the last line. Wasn't sure where to put it in. Thinking if I use this, I'll add this as a piece of dialogue somewhere or even a sign. Appreciate the read and insight!! Always helpful for honing the craft. Cheers! TLC

FEEDBACK 1 This may be dense of me, but I'm assuming the round green object was a hand grenade? I think it would be perfectly okay to make it clear in the script what it is. It does make me wonder what happens next as the refugee camp is destroyed and this must be the precursor to bad things to come in this region of Africa. Good selection for this prompt!

FEEDBACK #2 Hi, I loved the settings and the action. I'd suggest some cleaner tenses. For instance: "He’s got a mouth full of water…" becomes "He spits the water out of his mouth," or something like that. And, "He finally gets his legs out…" becomes something like, "He pulls his legs free." I just think it would be a stronger scene with some changes like that. Nice dramatic places and good choice for the prompt.

FEEDBACK #3 I agree with Jeff that cliffhangers are perfectly okay. The only new suggestion I'd have is to name the brothers, especially since they've lived to see another day and presumably recur in the story. It would make the read easier. (You can always change them before finalizing your script, too.) Also, when you say they "walk back towards home," be sure there's something referencing where home is earlier in the script. Hope this helps.

FEEDBACK #4 This evokes nice visuals, e.g., "blinding light," and "icy desert." It wasn't initially clear to me if the figure was the character later named (Peter) so I had to read it twice. But once that was clear, it became a poignant scene for me. I do wonder if he'd have such a long soliloquy given his location and situation. I wonder if the exposition (as opposed to the emotional part) wouldn't be better if shown in a different scene, though I realize this is a writing exercise. I'm definitely interested in how he found a cure for cancer in ice and would read on.

SCENE #1 INT. MERCHANT SHIP - NIGHT 6 A moonless night renders the ship quite dark, but not as much as the detainees' moods. The six-berth cabin DOC, SHAHIN, JAVAD, HASSAN, RASOUL and ESHAN (all 30s) share seems more like a brig. Doc scribbles in a journal. Shahin tries to read. Javad, Hassan, Rasoul, and Eshan play poker. Shahin, always the engineer, flips through a worn handbook entitled "Best Management Practices to Deter Piracy Off the Coast of Somalia and in the Arabian Sea Area." DOC How long will they hold us? SHAHIN As long as it takes to get two million U.S. dollars ransom. JAVAD That's a lot of money, but it should not take so long. HASSAN Even if they thought we were worthless, the ship alone is worth over two mil to the shipping company. Not to mention the value of cargo, the food aid, to the merchant. JAVAD I hope it doesn't spoil. Otherwise, it is worthless. SHAHIN According to this, (looking at handbook) most hostages wait forty-five days or more to be rescued. HASSAN I assume they pay with marked bills. That could take some time. JAVAD Why do we not arm ourselves? DOC In peacetime, it's illegal, that's why. International treaties.

A nice start, liz, but I'd like to see more of you on the page. It's hard to have an effective scene in barely half a page. Nothing really happens, and there's very little tension. The piece sets up a situation, then stops. For a practice scene, I'd stick with two people, three at the very most, and let us get to know them. I hope that helps. See the link. http://gointothestory.blcklst.com/2014/09/how-to-write-a-scene-part-2.html

FB#1 Very funny. My two favorite quips would be lost on screen though(rioting,dots/feathers) This would make for a good short film.

Sc#2 EXT. PIRATE SHIP DECK - NIGHT A storm is raging. Smitty with bottle in hand is in the crow’s nest. SMITTY:(YELLING INTO THE STORM)And all the sea is my whore, I’ll put my bow in her port as I see fit. She can get as angry as she pleases and I’ll still ride her all night until my log becomes soggy in her wetness. CUT TO: EXT. PIRATE SHIP DECK - DAY Blue skies and a light breeze. Smitty is passed out face to the deck floor. A pool of VOMIT shifts this way and that with the roll of the tides as it moves in and out of Smitty's hair. The sound of water breaking on the ship hull, a flag flapping in the wind. Grunts and groans of the ship. The rest is quiet. A lone man struggles to stay awake at the helm. INT. SHIP - DAY - CONTINUOUS GALLY Inside the gally dirty dishes litter the tables along with empty jugs and bottles. A man is passed out at the table his hand still gripping a mug. He awakens suddenly to the silence. He looks around and takes a drink before passing out again. EXT. SHIPS DECK - DAY - CONTINUOUS ZOOM IN On a compass laying next to Smitty. A WHIRRING noise. The needle is just spinning endlessly picking up speed until it cracks the glass. CUT TO: INT. SLEEPING QUARTERS - DAY Crew members are sleeping on cots. In the distance the sound of cannon fire. A crew member scratches his belly and rolls onto his side passing gas as he does so. A cannonball rips through the hull knocking him out of his cot.

SCENE 02 INT. DARK TUNNEL Outlines in red of E. Z., sliding down at top speed. E. Z. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa. INT. HELL E. Z. shoots out of the chute, shoeless feet first, onto a mat--of BARBED WIRE. E. Z. WAHHHHH! His jeans are scraped off, showing his butt, red from abrasion. He HOPS off the mat. Notices the LETTERS inscribed: HELLCOME. E. Z. Oh-oh. I'm not in L. A. anymore... Looks around. Rocks in red and black, rivers of molten lava, dark bronze wispy clouds. HELL'S ANGEL (O.S.) Right you are, me beauty. A CLAWED HAND GRABS E. Z.'s arm. E. Z. Hey, watch it, you... Devil? He goes bug-eyed at the sight of a HORNED DEVIL, red, hairy and ugly--in black leather motorcycle garb. HELL'S ANGEL Oh, excu-use me, wouldn't want to hurt you, now would I?... Yes, I would! E. Z. Who... who are you? TOBY Call me Toby. And I prefer Angel of Hell instead of Devil, thank you very much. Devil is disparaging and hurts my feelings. He YANKS E. Z. away. INT. HELLISH CAVE Reds, yellows and of course orange seem to be the latest tones in decoration around here--or the only ones. Toby KICKS E. Z. into the room. TOBY Here's one from special delivery, boss. LUCIFER is in front of a MIRROR, turns around. Looks like a Banker or Senator in a dark three-piece suit, Van Dyke--and great big HORNS. At least this way we can tell the difference. LUCIFER Another lawyer? TOBY No, this here's a screenwriter, who did baaad stuff. E. Z. No, it's just that they butchered my scripts. LUCIFER You'll have until Armageddon to complain. Bye for now. I'm afraid you won't enjoy the barbecue much. E. Z. shrinks and shivers at the implications. TOBY Boss, I was thinking about putting him at work in the Shit Pit. LUCIFER Good--I mean, bad, idea. And bring me a white light, will you? Everything is so orangy here, how can I select a proper tie? He turns back to the mirror, fiddling with the collar of his white-orangy shirt. Toby KICKS E. Z. away.

Scene 3 EXT:  SNOW MOUNTAINS HIMALAYAS , FEBRUARY DAVE, Angela and IAN extreme ski riders ?stay on the top of the snow mountain towering above high rocks. IAN Dave, you go first, than ANGELA and I follow you. Clear? DAVE Ready, steady go! He falls down. Two other sportsmen drop after him. Fast descent, sharp maneuvers, sparkling snow. It’s dangerous and breathtaking  race. The downhill is almost done when DAVE suddenly falls into a cleft and disappear. Angela barely stops on the edge of the gaping abyss.  INT: INSIDE the CRACK. SAME TIME . DAVE FUUUUCKCKCC!!!! DAVE with massive amount of snow fells down about 50 feet. Walls of the cleft narrow and DAVE brakes with his skies with shriek and stops. Skies bend under the weight and crack. SILENCE DAVE (breathe heavily full of adrenaline) Fuck, fuck EXT: NEAR THE CRACK. SAME TIME Angela takes off her SKIIS, jump to the age of the crack. Takes from a backpack a Lighter hang it on her left hand and turns on.  ANGELA DAVE, DAVE. CAN YOU HEAR ME? DAVE (sounds barely from the ground) Angela, I am alive!  ANGELA Jesus, he’s alive I hear here him! IAN, Call the rescue team. NOW! IAN(steps close to Angelo) Lucky Son of a bitch. First time he stole you. And now he’s still alive after the fall.  ANGELA (stays and turns to IAN) What are you talking about? IAN I am talking about your betrayal.   ANGELA it was 3 years ago. And you said that you forgot.... IAN Forgot? Trust me I remember everything . When I saw you here 3 days ago, I thought, That’s a good chance to revenge  ANGELA Revenge? No, IAN, please He steps forward and pushes her with his sky in her chest She flies  into the darkness with a horrible scream.  INT ISIDE THE CRACK. SAME TIME.? DAVE hangs on. Screaming ANGELA flies down near him  bumping up from one wall into another.  The light from the lighter twinkles in different directions until the darkness swallows it deep inside. DAVE(horrified) Noooo, noooo, ANGELA,? oh my GOD IAN Hey, DAVE! DAVE! How deep you are?  DAVE about 40 feet. What happened with ANGELA? IAN She slipped. Do you have the lighter? DAVE yes.  IAN Turn it on. I want to see how far you are.  ?EXT: NEAR THE CRACK. SAME TIME IAN looks down. He holds Angela’s ski. HE sees the light below and immediately throws the Ski down.  INT ISIDE THE CRACK. SAME TIME. The Ski flies near DAVE and almost hit him. Dave turn off the light DAVE Ian, what the fuck is going on? You almost kill me IAN Yes, almost. That is the problem EXT: NEAR THE CRACK. SAME TIME IAN stays aiming another sky to the darkness DAVE Why are you doing that? IAN Why did you steel my girlfriend? that is the right question. beat DAVE You, you killed Angela! You planned everything!  IAN Yes! I did. And you know what? I am glad that you stick there. You will die slowly. FEEZE My last advice to you! Jump to your ANGELA, that would be best solution for you! FAREWEll  He throw another Sky,  Takes his skies and slowly move to the mountain  INT ISIDE THE CRACK. SAME TIME. Another ski almost hit David. DAVE Hey, Hey, IAN, don’t leave me here! , IAAAN. Fuck, fuck, fuck Silence. Dark inside and weak light above. DAVE don’t panic. Think. Think. You are not going to die like that. He turns on the light and catches up. Grab his legs with hands and releases ski bindings. First leg releases. Than another. He hangs on his skies. Skies move several inches with squeal. He abuts legs in opposite wall, pulls ski up 10 inches up DAVE That’ s right 10 inches per movement.  Next step, that’s right. Slowly. Slowly

Feedback 4 I agree with everyone else. You did a great job building the world out from just a small fraction of it in this scene. I felt like I know exactly what the rest of the world looks like all in this one short scene. I really enjoyed the early dialogue, but I thought it got a little on the nose at the end. I think you could smooth out those last two lines or so and make it less melodramatic while maintaining the drama.

Scene 3 INT. CAVE - DAY The sun shines in through the cracks between the tumble of rocks blocking the cave's entrance. Ray comes to. Winces. Sees the large rock crushing his leg. He pushes himself up into sitting position and gathers his strength. Shoves the rock. He SCREAMS and stops. PANTING from the pain. Gathers himself a second time. This go round the rock rolls off him. The leg underneath a gnarled mess. Bloody and pulpy. Bone visible. He rips off the rest of his tattered pants leg and makes a tourniquet. Ties it off just above the knee. He assesses the damage. Sun peeks in through cracks but the rockfall is deep and founded on large chunks of rocks. Ray pulls out his phone. NO SERVICE. He waves his arm in the air. "Come on. You can do it." His phone flashes 1X for a moment before returning to No Service. "Fuck." He pulls himself up the hill of rocks. Slow and painful. Halfway up he checks his phone. 1X. He opens his recent calls and hits LISA's name. "Come you fucker. Work. Work." The phone blinks, CALL FAILED. He crawls up a bit farther. Near the top now. Stretches his arm up trying to get the phone as high as possible. He tries putting it in one of the cracks where the sun trickles through. 2X. He dials again. Lisa. RING. "Yes!" A voice on the other side "Ray?" "Lisa! Thank God--" CALL FAILED. He tries again but the screen flashes to No Service. "FUCK!" He trembles with frustration, his foot slipping on a rock just enough for several to come loose and send him sliding down. He covers his head instinctively as small stones pummel him. It stops. Settles. He slowly uncovers his head. Realizes his hand is empty. "Shit." He turns and looks. Sees the phone and goes white. SMASHED to pieces under a rock. Just then from the bowels of the cave, a LOW GROWL. Not close yet. But on its way. One of the cracks in the rockfall goes dim. And another one goes dim, as the unseen sun outside begins to set. And another. TICKING off the moments until Ray's left alone in the dark with whatever beasts it brings.

FEEDBACK No. 10 EXT. UNRESTING TUNDRA - DAY The air from the ship's engines mixes with the wind shifting snow and ice from one side of the tundra to the other. The landing gear gently touches the frozen ground, but once it finds its footing, the ship lands with a crunch into the land. The ramp slowly opens. KAELEEN (23, businesslike, fair, sadistic) steps to the end of the ramp wearing just a skeinsuit. The wind tosses her hair about. KAELEEN: Crux! Bring me a coat and goggles! Seconds later CRUX (45, Stern, Fanatical, Self-reliant) runs down the ramp. He's already dressed for the low temperatures. He hands Kaeleen a scarf and her coat, which matches the color and piping of her skeinsuit. She dons the winter gear. Crux hands Kaeleen a hair tie. Kaeleen smiles. KAELEEN: You know me too well. She ties her hair back before she dons the goggles and gloves. Crux heads back up the ramp, but nearly collides with MAYVE (20, Aggressive, Providential, Brutal). Mayve hands Crux a gunbelt with a blaster strapped into the holster. Crux accepts and puts on the gunbelt as he heads inside the ship. Mayve holds out another gunbelt for Kaeleen. MAYVE: Everything has been either replaced or modified to deal with these conditions. It's only going to get worse. We're going to lose daylight in about 40 minutes and there's a storm approaching from the southeast. Kaeleen puts on the gunbelt over her coat. She quickdraws the blaster, examines it and places it back in the holster. KAELEEN: We were lucky to get a break in the weather to land here. MAYVE: Luck has nothing to do with it. You're just stubborn. Zyre said if we had to fly around much longer the winds would have tore the ship apart. KAELEEN: I grew up on a planet like this... My father worked in a plant to process kreulium. Kaeleen removes a glove. The wind targets her exposed hand, she flinches from the biting pain. She puts the glove back on her hand. KAELEEN: An unusually long blizzard stranded us inside for weeks. Food was running low. The whole situation drove my mother half mad. She wandered outside without a coat. She didn't get five meters from the door. We couldn't get her body. We just watched the snow bury her for us. Soon as the storm settled my father went out and found him a new wife, the daughter of a local union boss. She was much better for us. It really worked out well for my father. CREWMEMBER ONE (O.S.): Commander, we have two vehicles approaching us from the west. KAELEEN: Thank you. Have the crew stand by. (to Mayve) Let's say 'hi' to daddy.

FEEDBACK No. 10 Way to keep up the intensity and then intensify it. I think it might work better not to have the cell phone working at all... and start him trying to figure out how to save himself.