Scene 9 INT. BAR - NIGHT GINA (30s) is seated by the bar looking expectantly towards the door. JEFF (30s) enters shaking his umbrella. He looks around and sees Gina gently waving at him. JEFF: Gina? GINA: Jeff? JEFF: Yes. GINA: Pleasure. JEFF: Likewise. GINA: Sit. JEFF: Thanks. Jeff sits next to Gina. The look awkwardly around. JEFF: Drink? GINA: Wine? Jeff turns toward the barman on the other side of the bar and signals him. JEFF: Two. The barman brings a bottle and two wine glasses. BARMAN: Chardonnay? JEFF: Perfect. The barman pours the drinks as Gina and Jeff exchange glances and smile. Jeff raises his glass. JEFF: Cheers! GINA: Salud. They drink a bit. JEFF: Good? GINA: Excellent. They smile again. An awkward silence ensues. GINA: Work? JEFF: Accounting. GINA: Ah. JEFF: You? GINA: Sales. JEFF: Interesting? GINA: Meh. Another uncomfortable silence. Jeff struggles getting the necessary courage. JEFF: Sex? GINA: Oh, dear God, yes. I thought you’d never ask. Jeff turns swiftly toward the barman. JEFF: Check!

SCENE 12 INT. FOUR STAR RESTAURANT - NIGHT A female WAITRESS places champagne flutes on the table before TONY, as well assembled as they come in a pristine tuxedo. She is homely, but fit, and Tony follows here every movement with his eyes, smirking. WAITRESS (curtsying) Sir. Tony watches her as she leaves until she crosses paths with LUCILLE, beautiful, elegant in her sparkling gold dress. Now no one in the restaurant exists to Tony. She approaches. LUCILLE (awkward smile) Anthony! I'm so sorry I'm late! It's great to see you. TONY (standing) Please, Tony. Don't think about it, the champagne just arrived. Lucille waves him away and seats herself. LUCILLE My, my, you spoil me. What's the occasion? TONY (grinning) New beginnings. As he pours the glasses - LUCILLE I'm happy we were finally able to do this. You're a hard man to pin down. TONY Well as you may know, my father puts a lot of pressure on me. LUCILLE Yes, yes, an impressive man from an impressive family. A beat. TONY You come from a very prominent family yourself. It's a wonder this hasn't happened sooner. LUCILLE (smiling sweetly) Now now, don't tell me you agreed to tonight only because of our social standing? TONY (fumbling) No... No! Forgive me. A beat. TONY (CONT) (grasping) You look beautiful tonight. An awkward silence follows. Lucille's eyes sparkle at the comment but are angled at the table. Tony searches for something, anything, and finds the champagne glasses. TONY (CONT) (raises his glass) A toast. LUCILLE (excited) To what? TONY To the start of a wonderful relationship. LUCILLE (pleased) Well, let's see if we make it past the first date. Glasses clink, and they drink. A beat. Lucille is staring at Tony, which makes him excited and embarrassed. Then she leans in and narrows her eyes seductively. LUCILLE (CONT) (whispering) Listen, Anthony. I am impressed and appreciative you've taken me here tonight, but I just had dinner here last week with my father, you know? If I didn't think this was going well, I'd keep my mouth shut, but... Pause. LUCILLE (CONT) You want to get out of here and go somewhere more... real? TONY (ear to ear grin) I know just the place. The waitress has returned to take their orders, but Tony ignores her and grabs Lucille's hand. Never taking his eyes off her, he leads her out of the restaurant, grabbing the champagne bottle as they depart.

Nice scene here, Ricardo. The one word back and forth dialogue really ties in nicely to the punchline. Makes me wonder how the date got set up in the first place. It seems like Jeff's struggle at the end and Gina's response would work better after a longer period of time, though; they almost immediately jump into it. Still, they do add to the ending, so maybe here it works. Thanks!

Hi Nicholas The set up did allow for a much longer scene, but I did not want to exaggerate. Maybe I'll rewrite this as a longer scene one day. Glad yo liked it.

Feedback 5 Nicholas Very nice scene. Your descriptions are excellent. You feel the room, the person, what they are feeling and it's all filmable (which is always good). My only issue is that the scene seems part of a longer story. As a standalone scene, it would need more conflict and a clearer resolution. As part of a series, it could be a bit shorter. Nevertheless, it is very well done.

Scene 4. EXT. DIRT ROAD IN AN OPEN FIELD - NIGHT ANTON and MORA, late 20s, stroll hand in hand through the dark. A brilliant sky glitters above them, and behind them, at the horizon, can be seen the dim lights of a refugee camp. ANTON (good-natured) Jeez. This really isn’t a good time in the world to be dating, huh? I mean… there’s no place to go, shit all to do… How’s a guy supposed to properly court anyone in this mess? Mora laughs. ANTON I mean, normally I’d take a girl out someplace fancy, or cook her dinner… but, you know, half the world got burned down, and there’s not really anything impressive I can whip up with potato rations, salt packets, and sports drinks. MORA I told you I don’t need anything fancy… ANTON I know, I know. MORA And this whole “first date” thing is really just a formality, anyways... right? ANTON Yeah… MORA So then you know I’m just happy to be with you. Spend time with you. Talk to you. Same as always. ANTON (A little serious, and a little sad) Well… maybe that’s the thing, Mora. I don’t want things to have to be the “same as always.” I mean, what we’ve got is good, but… I wanna do this right. I wanna date you. I wanna show you things. Go places. If I could have met you before the war... I wanna-... I dunno. I’m a romantic piece of shit. MORA (Amused) That’s true. ANTON (Not quite as amused as Mora) Hah… MORA Sweetie… baby, just relax. We spend enough time talking about how things could have been before. It’s depressing. Is that really how you want us to spend our “first date?” Anton sighs. Bites his lip. MORA You said you wanted to show me the stars - see if you could tell me things I don’t already know about them. It sounds fun. Let’s do that.

SCENE 04 Black. Low bustling of people in a restaurant builds and builds until it is cut off by a woman's voice. INT. DINER, NEW YORK CITY LORRI and PAULY sit across from each other at a booth by the window. They are both middle aged with thick Brooklyn accents. LORRY: So, what do you do?? PAULY: What? LORRY: I asked what you do. PAULY: What do you mean? LORRY: For a living? PAULY: Little bit of this. Bit of that. Construction mostly. I work for the... City. LORRY: Okay. PAULY: You're a therapist right? LORRY: That is correct. PAULY: What is your professional opinion of me? LORRY: Well, you're distant. Like there's something bothering you? Am I right-- PAULY: Nothing major. Just work... EXT. JUNK YARD - NIGHT (FLASHBACK) Pauly, dressed in a police outfit uses a silenced pistol to shoot a driver through his car window. Pauly opens the car boot and removes a briefcase and a clear bag of white powder. Pauly then places a time bomb in the boot. Pauly walks back to his car and waits for the bomb to explode. The car blows up and Pauly drives off. END FLASHBACK PAULY (CONT'D): ...bills, bad sleep. You know... the usual stuff. Lorry reaches out and grabs his hand. LORRY: I'm sure we've all been there. THE END.

FEEDBACK 07 Great use of one word dialogue lines as it perfectly encapsulates the awkwardness of a first date. I too agree that the ending does deserve a bigger build up. Overall great job though!

--- FEEDBACK SIX --- Nice setup. I think some of the parentheticals are unnecessary. I was able catch the character's moods and non-verbal reactions just from their own responses. So, you're doing great to convey those reactions. In Anton's line that begins with "Well... maybe that's the thing, Mora..." have Anton say "I want to show you things, show you the stars." That way Mora's final line will have more weight.

--- FEEDBACK SEVEN --- Good setup. Is the flashback is meant as a montage, or is it a sequence of events? I think it would work either way, but for some reason I kept thinking it was meant as a montage. When Pauly continues "...bills, bad sleep." I think you can eliminate that part and just have him say "You know... the usual stuff." The bills and bad sleep kind of undercuts or lessens the impact previous images.

— FEEDBACK SEVEN — Good setup. Is the flashback is meant as a montage, or is it a sequence of events? I think it would work either way, but for some reason, I kept thinking it was meant as a montage. When Pauly continues “…bills, bad sleep.” I think you can eliminate that part and just have him say “You know… the usual stuff.” The bills and bad sleep kind of undercuts or lessens the impact previous images.

--- SCENE NINE --- INT - CONVENTION HALL - DAY MAX, late teens, walks with NIKKI, early 20s at a Star Trek convention. NIKKI is dressed as Torres (the half-Klingon from ST: Voyager). MAX: I hope this is okay. NIKKI: It's great actually. I don't get to go to one of these very often. It's usually by myself and that just gets weird or awkward at times. MAX: I can't even imagine. You look fantastic. NIKKI (laughs): That's the fourth time you've said that. MAX: Sorry, I just... I'm not used to-- NIKKI: Talking to girls? MAX: I can talk to girls, it's just I'm talking to a very beautiful woman, half-Klingon. Nikki blushes and laughs again. NIKKI: Trevor said you are a Star Wars fan. MAX: Oh... good ol' Trevor. Can't believe he got fired. NIKKI: It was a long time coming. He might have sent people into therapy because of that Dane Joke. MAX: Yeah, that wasn't easy to bounce back from. NIKKI: I think you handled it well. You were the only person to be subjected to that joke and didn't cry. MAX: I was crying on the inside. I felt like the world's most insensitive clod. Nikki takes Max's hand and kisses him on the cheek. MAX: What was that for? NIKKI: For being so sensitive.

Scene 3 EXT. BUS STOP – DAY EMMANUEL, 24 with more dream than promise, steps off the #12 onto Montrose Circle. The city rises around him. The crowd presses around, jostles him. His smile fades. Emmanuel picks south, trods along the sidewalk. MATTHEW, 36, looks like a million dollars and earned it all, pulls his Aston to the curb. Drops the window, calls to Emmanuel- Matthew: Do you know where Dupont is? Emmanuel looks around, walks to the car. Emmanuel: I’m new. Matthew: So you don’t know? Emmanuel: I don’t even know where I am. Matthew smiles at him. Emmanuel smiles back. Matthew: I don’t know where we are either. Hold on a sec. Matthew activates the GPS in the Aston. GPS: You currently at 3234 Montrose Circle. Please make a legal U-Turn. Matthew: Well, there you have it. 3234 Montrose. Emmanuel: Thank you. Matthew: So is this local for you? Emmanuel: I told you. I’m new. Matthew: Do you like Sushi? Emmanuel shrugs “I guess so.” Matthew: Do you know of a good sushi place near here? Emmanuel shakes his head “no.” Matthew: I expect I’ll be passing back through here about seven, maybe if there’s a sushi place I’ll see you? Matthew pulls back into traffic. Emmanuel watches. Spots Charlie’s Cajun Sushi across the street. Checks his phone, 10:14. He crosses the street. Enters the restaurant.