SCENE 11 ??? (O.S.) You don't have to do this... FADE IN TO: EXT. BATTLEFIELD - NIGHT A backdrop of ruined buildings. Flashes and explosions can be seem on the dark horizon. The sounds of battle echoes around two men, facing each other. One in a red uniform, holds a gun at the other, in blue, his hands raised. RED It's too late for that. BLUE It's never too late to make the right decision. RED What my decisions are is my business. BLUE You're right. (a beat) So make the right one. RED From where I'm standing, I am. BLUE We used to be allies. RED That was a long time ago. BLUE Think of what we've been through together. RED In the past. A beat as their conversation is interrupted by The sound of yelling and gunfire. Blue glances at his weapon, discarded a few feet from the standoff. Red grips his gun tighter, dispelling any plans Blue might have had. RED (CONT) Time is running out. BLUE We can still walk away from this. RED I plan to. BLUE Will it be worth it? A beat. RED (convincing himself) It's what I'm supposed to do. BLUE Your decisions are your own, remember? (a beat) The question is whether you can live with them. Red lowers his gun for a moment, considering his options for the first time. Just enough, and Blue dives into the shadows, grabbing his weapon as he disappears. RED Goddamn it. Red starts to follow Blue, when he hears something behind him. He turns on a dime, but he is already in the crosshairs of another man in blue. RED (CONT) Goddamn it! BLUE Now it's my decision to make. Blue emerges behind Red, gun raised. He smiles. BLUE (CONT) You should have taken your chance when you had it. A blinding flash, the almost fabricated sound of a laser firing. Red falls to his knees as his chest pulsates and blares. Then, an earsplitting siren and engulfing light. The battlefield is illuminated to reveal... INT. LASER TAG - NIGHT (CONT) The blue men are cheering. Red rises to his feet, scowling at Blue. RED You tricked me. BLUE (laughing) You always get way too into it. A beat as more red and blue men appear. Red finally smirks. RED Best three out of five?

Feedback 10! Hi, Nicholas I suppose you were going for suspense stretching, but it feels like the dialogue goes on too long and looses some impact. The section below doesn't seem convincing, it's a bit OTN. "RED (CONT) Time is running out. BLUE We can still walk away from this. RED I plan to. BLUE Will it be worth it? A beat. RED (convincing himself) It’s what I’m supposed to do." The twist--they're actually playing laser tag--is nice, kudos for that.

Scene 8 EXT. HIGHRISE ROOFTOP – DAY MICHAEL (25) stands on the edge of the building, his bulged weary eyes tightly shut. He hesitantly inches ahead. CLAUDIA (O.S.): Beautiful view, isn't it? Michael opens his eyes. Next to him CLAUDIA (7) is looking ahead into the sunset. She is wearing a summery floral dress. MICHAEL: Get away! Don't try to stop me! CLAUDIA: From what? Looking at the view? MICHAEL: No. From... erh... could you please go? CLAUDIA: Why? MICHAEL: I want to be alone. CLAUDIA: Why? MICHAEL: Because... just because. CLAUDIA: Are you sad? MICHAEL: What? CLAUDIA: Looks like you've been crying. MICHAEL: Yes, I'm very sad. I lost someone I loved very much. CLAUDIA: Did you look between the cushions in the sofa? Whenever I loose something it is usually there. MICHAEL: Someone, not something. CLAUDIA: Aaah. (a beat) Did she die? MICHAEL: No, she did not die. She left me. CLAUDIA: Why? Did you do something bad? MICHAEL: No... well... yes, but... it's complicated. CLAUDIA: Sooo, you did something bad, and this girl got angry and left. MICHAEL: In a way, yes. CLAUDIA: Sooo, it's like your fault. MICHAEL: Okay, yes. I fucked up. She meant the world to me and now she's gone and I cannot live without her. Claudia giggles. Michael looks at her furiously. MICHAEL: Why are you laughing? CLAUDIA: You said the “f” word. MICHAEL: Well, you got on my nerves. CLAUDIA: Your not supposed to say naughty words in front of children. MICHAEL: Well, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I said the f word. I'm sorry I offended your innocence. I'm sorry if I hurt you with my stupid behaviour and my drinking and my screwing around. I'm sorry that I never realized how much you really meant to me and how much I miss you. But I have this pain in my heart that's consuming me and it's all my fault and... (a beat) It's all my fault. CLAUDIA: Are you okay? MICHAEL: I need to go. There is someone I need to talk to. CLAUDIA: (jokingly) Your girlfriend? MICHAEL: Hopefully, yes. CLAUDIA: Okay. See ya. Michael rushes towards the rooftop door. CLAUDIA: Adults are so weird.

This is great, Ricardo. I really liked Claudia's innocent and direct dialogue, as well as Michael's annoyed responses. I can't really find too much in this scene to improve on, so I'm gonna be that guy and point out in Claudia's line before Michael's monologue... "you're" :).

SCENE 8 INT. RUNDOWN APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – DAY A YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE sit a table littered with BEER CANS, TOY CARS, and LATE PAYMENT LETTERS. MOM: The final letter’s coming, you know that right? Dad slaps a wad of HUNDREDS on the cluttered living room table. DAD: No more evictions warnings for this family. MOM: Oh, Thank God. Now if we can fix Gus, life would be heaven. On cue, GUS saunters into the room, a sweet-faced and disheveled-looking 5 year-old. GUS: Oh thank God for what? MOM: For you, Gus. Gus’ wide saucer-shaped eyes lock on the wad of CASH. DAD: Don’t touch that money, son. Gus snatches the cash and plays keep away from Dad. He clearly lives to annoy. GUS: Is this play money or real money? DAD: Gus, that’s money we use to pay rent. Put it back. Then you can have a treat. Do you want a treat? GUS: Can I make paper airplanes with these? I never had a green paper plane before. MOM: How about a treat, sweet Gus? Some ice cream? GUS: I want to rip these! I love the sounds of things ripping! DAD: You will live outside in the cold if you do that. MOM: Stanley, don’t say that! DAD: It’s literally true, Laura. GUS: So it is real money? MOM: That money puts food in the fridge and helps you see Dr. Shoyer. GUS: I love food. I hate Dr. Shoyer. Gus braces for tearing the cash. DAD: Ok, Gus! It’s yours. Just don’t rip it. GUS: Really? DAD: Yes. Put it in my wallet and I’ll put it in your bank account tomorrow. GUS: Hmm. MOM: What do you think, Gus? Some TV, too? GUS: Actually, nah. I wanna rip. Mom and Dad lunge but Gus side-steps like a running back and turns the cash into confetti. DAD: Call Dr. Shoyer. -- This was tough. Feedback welcomed!

SCENE 9 JOEY: Put it down, honey, you don't want to hurt yourself. DIEGO: Get away or I'll shoot myself. JOEY: OK. Why don't you point it somewhere else? DIEGO: Get away. JOEY: Fine, I'll just sit here in case you need something. DIEGO: Get away or I'll splash my brains all over you. JOEY: It wouldn't be the first time. DIEGO: What? JOEY: When I was five years old my father was heavily into debt. The collectors relentlessly called day and night. Then one day we received a foreclosure notice which my father promptly threw away. Of course I didn't understood what was happening back then. But I'll never forget that day. I was playing with my toys, and suddenly a knock at the door. It was a lawyer and a police officer. My father was standing right next to me with a gun pointed to his head. I was cheering for him, I thought he was playing cowboys. When the police knocked down the door everything happened so quickly. A bang. I got covered by something soft, warm and squishy. Daddy fell to the floor, a police officer grabbed me. I never saw my dad again. Tell me, do you have sons? DIEGO: Two. JOEY: You're not only pointing the gun to you, you're also pointing it to them. Part of them will die if you shoot. Now tell me, do you want to shoot? Puts his gun down. JOEY: I thought so.

Nick It's always the little details that get you. Glad you liked the scene.

Feedback 7 Vic I don't know weather to laugh or feel bad for Mom and Dad. Interestingly, this scene as it is would work both in a comedy or a drama, or a comedy-drama. I noticed a couple of typos here and there, but my main concern is the first lines. If they are both sitting on the table, Mom's first line is too contrasting to Dad's first line in a way that it doesn't flow naturally. Better to have Mom sitting by the table looking worryingly at the letters and have Dad proudly arrive with the money. The rest of the scene is very good. Well done.

Feedback 8 Alejandro Great scene. The dialogues are spot on and the long monologue is excellently structured. You could feel the brains spattered around. The only thing I would like to have seen is the scene set up. Where does it take place? Day, night? Anything to help sell the scene. Also, why would Joey refer to Diego as honey? Do they know each other? This sort of thing. Still, great scene. Well done.

FEEDBACK 09 I loved the Joey dialogue and thought it was really impactful however the Diego dialogue, especially at the beginning is a little on the nose. We get that he will shoot himself and also I think if I were in that pressured a situation I'd be a little more vague and focuses on pulling the trigger. Great stuff though It's really well written!

--- SCENE EIGHT --- INT. ELECTRONICS STORE - BREAKROOM - DAY TREVOR, early 20s, wearing the store's "uniform" is sitting at a table with a soda and thumbing through his phone. A microwave with its door barely hanging on is behind him. There are scorch marks on the wall behind the microwave. HANK, early 20s, wearing the store's "uniform" sits next to Trevor very quickly. HANK: I heard Mr. Rick is looking for you. TREVOR (still looking at his phone): Mmm hmm. Oh hey... look at this photo Felicia sent me last night. Hank stares at the phone. His eyes get bigger as he tilts his head to the side. HANK: How... Wait, is that Rick's office? Trevor looks at the picture again. TREVOR: I think so. HANK: Anyway. I... We... You are going to have to forget that. You're in enough trouble as it is. So, don't go through with the Dane Joke. TREVOR: Oh, it's on. It's going to happen. HANK: Dude, you like working here and I like hanging out with you, but if you go through with the Dane Joke again, you're going to get fired. TREVOR: The Dane Joke is a rite of passage for the new employees. I don't get to work with Dane often, so the timing is important. After the first week or so, everyone figures out who we are, the joke isn't as effective. HANK: Rick will throw you out on your ass. TREVOR: I think I'm already fired. (stands up) I got glitter in my pockets just in case. Trevor tosses his soda can into the trash. HANK: Seriously, don't do the Dane Joke. It's mean and someone always ends up crying. TREVOR: That's the beauty of it.

Thanks, Ricardo. That's really helpful feedback. Just so I can get a better feel for writing, what types of things could I do to tip the scale of the scene more toward comedy or drama?

Scene 6 INT. HOLME’S FOOTLONGS – DAY Hotdog food truck in the lot of Coral Beach. Mustard, relish, coolers of Coke, and bags of chips. A line of bikinis and surf boards waits for service. BRYCE, 18, the BOMB, waits for his dog. TOBY, 16, freckles vying with pimples, preps a dog. He clears his throat. GUS, 17, Slick black hair and his apron only waist down, puts a hand on Toby’s shoulder. Gus: Don’t do it, man. TOBY: Do what? Toby clears his throat again. Gus: Hawk that lugy into Bryce’s dog. Toby: Why not? He’s a dick. Gus nods sagely, even glances at Bryce posing in the sun with his Wayfarers. Gus: Karma, little dude. Toby: Stop calling me little dude. We’re in the same grade. Gus: But not the same class. You want me to not call you liitle dude? Act like a big dude. Toby clears his throat again. Gus shakes his head. Gus: You ever heard of Karma? Toby nods. Gus: So why you going to lugy up the man’s dog? Let it go. Bryce: Hey, Bro. What’s the hold up on the dog? Gus locks eyes with Toby. Toby clenches his face then relaxes. Wraps the dog. Gives it to Gus. Gus passes it across to Bryce. Gus: You’ll thank me. Bryce: Thanks, little dude.

Scene 6 INT. LOW-RENT APARTMENT - NIGHT In their shady-looking living room, ISAAC, 20s, downs the last of a bottle of soda. Nearby, his roommate, LOGAN, has just finished putting on his shoes and shrugging into a jacket. He’s high on energy, and looks ready for an adventure. LOGAN Come on. I’m ready. Are you ready? ISAAC You’re still on this? LOGAN What? Hell yeah, I’m still on this. You’re in, right? Let’s go. ISAAC ...God dammit. LOGAN What? ISAAC We can’t actually just get up and do this. Are you even thinking this through? LOGAN I’ve been “thinking this through” for years. We walk in there, kill that son of a bitch, and we walk out. Boom. Justice is served. We all live happily ever after… except for him, obviously. ISAAC Stop. You can’t just say shit like this. Alright. Look, I want your father dead just as much as you do- LOGAN That is not true. ISAAC … Fine. I want your father dead a lot. Maybe not as much as you do. But a lot. And if we could, I’d be more than happy to just waltz on over there, smother him to death or chop him up or whatever it was you had in mind. But we can’t. LOGAN Of course we can. ISAAC Then what’s the plan? Hm? How do we make sure no one can connect us to the crime scene? What are our alibis? How are we even going to kill him-... what do we do with the murder weapons? LOGAN We’ll think of something. ISAAC Then what about the body? Do we dispose of it? Do we leave it there? You don’t know. LOGAN We can just dump it in a river or something… Jesus, Isaac, I thought you were with me on this. ISAAC I am! I am. But trust me. You’re on a high right now. You’re too eager. You’re not thinking straight. Now, hey. Buddy. I said I’d do this with you. I meant it. But we have to do it right. So just… chill out. Logan sits, looking disappointed and distressed. ISAAC We’ll talk this out. Think it through. So when we cut that bastard down, we won’t go down for it. (beat) Deal? LOGAN … Yeah. Yeah. Deal.

Feedback #10 That was well told. Totally sucked me into the moment. I remember reading that if you have a character tell a story, it has to be a really good story. You did that. I'm confused about the relationship of the characters though, there doesn't seem to be any context. At first I thought they were little boys, then a cop and suspect, then just two guys that were stuck together.

Scene 6 Jack's car SCREECHES to a halt. He steps out and surveys the scene. Patrick stands over a terrified Marty, gun pointed at him. Jack steps in between them. Jack: Look man, you think you wanna do this, but seriously, in twenty years this will be the last thing on your mind if you just let it go. Patrick: Let it go? How can I just let it go? Jack: Because man, assholes like him, this is all they have. Sometimes it seems like they get more, but I promise you, he's about as miserable as they come and he always will be. Patrick: But I'm miserable too. Jack: And you'll always be, if you don't let it go. Jack walks closer and grabs the gun from Patrick. Jack: Just let it go, Pat. Patrick releases the gun. Marty gets up off of the ground and runs into the night. Patrick dry sobs. Jack SIGHS relieved.