No Time for Sergeants (1958) Screenplay by John Lee Mahin; play by Ira Levin; based on the novel by Mac Hyman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYjoUpRsWGE PAYNE: Time's up, pal. Pvt. Stockdale arises and walks around the desk. STOCKDALE: Right friendly of you to wait for me. Thank you. KING: How'd you think you did, Will? STOCKDALE: Well, them...them printed tests, they give us, they's exactly like the ones you borrowed, only--- Sergeant King puts a hand over Will Stockdale's mouth and moves him aside. KING: (Whispering) Only what? STOCKDALE: Only you spent so much time drumming the answers into me, maybe we ought to have spent a little bit more time on the questions they joined up with. Sergeant King moves Stockdale over to a bench. KING: Now you just sit right down here and...wait! Stockdale tries to smoke but notices the "No Smoking" sign. Sergeant King returns a moment later. KING: C'mon, Will, the Corporal's waiting. They go into the office of Cpl. John C. Brown. KING: There he is, Corporal, awfully sorry to keep you waiting. The Corporal motions for Stockdale to sit. BROWN: What we do here Private is to evaluate your manual dexterity on a time scale in relation to digital-visual coordination. Two irregular steel links which can be interconnected thusly. I separate them, I join them. It will be your task, Private, when I give the signal, to place the two links in the interconnected relationship I have just demonstrated. (He holds the rings out to Stockdale.) STOCKDALE: Uh, I put 'em together. BROWN: That's right, you put them together. Now, I'll time you when three minutes is passing. KING: Now, whatever you do, don't get nervous. BROWN: Ready? Go! Stockdale funbles with the rings. KING: There you go. Atta boy. Put 'em together. BROWN: Sergeant, please! Nobody ever does it in less than two minutes. Now, please, you're not even supposed to be in here. KING: Now look, Corporal, this is a special case. The Captain says he has to go out with the group he came in with. BROWN: I don't care. It's a very difficult test--- KING: I can see that it's diffcult--- King and Brown argue, oblivious to Stockdale who bends the rings to get them to fit together, then presents his completed task. KING: Stop the watch! Both King and Brown are awed. BROWN: Look! Look at that! KING: He put 'em together, didn't he? BROWN: (Heading for the door.) Sergeant! Sergeant! KING: Corporal, what's all the fuss about? You said put 'em together, he put 'em together! BROWN: Sergeant, look what he did, for Pete's sake. Now, how am I going to mark him on that? SERGEANT: You're supposed to be grading him on this. Can't you do a simple thing like that? BROWN: I'm supposed to mark it down whether they put it back together or not, and there ain't supposed to be but one way of doing it and he didn't do it that way, now how you gonna mark him down on a thing like that? KING: Corporal! BROWN: And who do you think's gonna pay for these things? Sixteen dollars they cost! If you think I'm gonna pay sixteen dollars--- KING: CORPORAL! BROWN: Sixteen lousy dollars! KING: Corporal, I'll be glad to pay the sixteen lousy dollars. BROWN: You will? KING: If he passed the test. BROWN: But he did it completely wrong. He was supposed to do it a certain way. KING: Will, will you please step outside for a minute? Have a smoke. Stockdale exits the room and King closes the door behind him. KING: Look, Corporal, let's look at this thing logically. You need money and I need him to pass the test. BROWN: But he did do it completely wrong. DIALOGUE ON DIALOGUE: Sergeant King is desperate to get Will Stockdale, a pleasant country boy who's out of his element in the military, to complete his paperwork and exams (which King had earlier caused him to neglect). Motivated to push Stockdale through or face permanent latrine duty, King gets desperate when he fears Stockdale might fail, while Corporal Brown takes offense at the pressure and interference from King. In the heat of the argument while their attention is diverted, Stockdale uses an unconventional approach to solve the rings problem, and Sergeant King is more than happy to call the test a success. It's also interesting to note that this film with Andy Griffith and Don Knotts was released two years before their first television series, The Andy Griffith Show, began on network television. It reverses their later TV roles, with Knotts in the authoritative role.

The Return of the Pink Panther (1975) Screenplay by Frank Waldman and Blake Edwards https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6muq1smaVCQ CLOUSEAU: You have a license? BEGGAR: Monsieur? CLOUSEAU: City ordinance 47-B prohibits the playing of any musical instrument in a public place for the purpose of commercial enterprise without a license. BEGGAR: I don't understand. CLOUSEAU: It is against the law for you to play your musical instrument. BEGGAR: The law? CLOUSEAU: What? BEGGAR: You say it's against the law? CLOUSEAU: Yes, unless you have a proper license. BEGGAR: Uh, what kind of license? CLOUSEAU: A license that permits the playing of any musical instrument in a public place for the purpose of commercial enterprise. BEGGAR: Commercial enterprise? CLOUSEAU: Yes. You play that thing and people give you their money. BEGGAR: People give the monkey the money. CLOUSEAU: It is the same. BEGGAR: Oh, not at all, Monsieur. I am a musician and the monkey is a businessman. He doesn't tell me what to play and I don't tell him what to do with his money. CLOUSEAU: Monsieur, don't try to be funny with me. He is your monkey, therefore it is your money. BEGGAR: He lives with me but he is not my monkey. One day I came over here and I found him sitting in the living room. I let him stay but he pays for his own room and board. CLOUSEAU: Then the monkey's breaking the law. BEGGAR: But, uh, he doesn't play any musical instrument. CLOUSEAU: City ordinance 132-R prohibits the begging. BEGGAR: How do you know so much about city ordinances? CLOUSEAU: What sort of stupid question is that? Are you blind? BEGGAR: Yes. CLOUSEAU: Oh, I see, yes. Yes. Yes, of course. Well, you happen to be talking to a police officer, and because I expect to be transferred back to the detective division at any moment, I will let you off this time with just a warning. BEGGAR: Thank you, Monsieur L'agent. CLOUSEAU: But you must get yourself a proper license. BEGGAR: First thing tomorrow. CLOUSEAU: Try to do something about your filthy monkey. Bank robbers run to their getaway vehicle while Clouseau tries to hold up traffic to make their exit easier. As the bank manager tries to stop the car, Clouseau clubs him. Later, at Inspector Dreyfus' office. DREYFUS: Idiot! CLOUSEAU: How way I to know he was the bank manager? DREYFUS: How were you to know the bank was being robbed? CLOUSEAU: That is correct. DREYFUS: What is correct? CLOUSEAU: I did not know the bank was being robbed because I was engaged in my sworn duty as a police officer. DREYFUS: You didn't even arrest the old beggar. CLOUSEAU: There was some question as to whether the beggar or his minkey breaking the law. DREYFUS: Minkey? CLOUSEAU: What? DREYFUS: You said minkey. CLOUSEAU: That is correct, yes. Chimpanzee monkey. So, I let them both off with a warning. DREYFUS: The beggar was the lookout man for the gang. CLOUSEAU: That is impossible. DREYFUS: Why? CLOUSEAU: He was blind. How can a blind man be a lookout? DREYFUS: How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that! CLOUSEAU: It's very simple. All you have to do is enlist--- DREYFUS: Shut up! How do you know he was blind. CLOUSEAU: Because he told me so. DREYFUS: Oh, he told you so. And you believed him? CLOUSEAU: I had no reason to doubt him. DREYFUS: (Laughs) Do you believe me if I tell you that I'm not going to get you suspended for six months? Do you believe me? CLOUSEAU: If you say so, sir, yes. DREYFUS: (Chuckles) Because I'm a bigger liar than the beggar. You are suspended for six months without pay. CLOUSEAU: Six months? DREYFUS: Effective immediately. Have you anything to say? CLOUSEAU: Could you lend me fifty francs? DREYFUS: I'm---will you get out! Out of my sight! CLOUSEAU: Yes, sir. DREYFUS: Idiot! DIALOGUE ON DIALOGUE: There is probably no more clueless, oblivious policeman in all of filmdom than Inspector Jacques Clouseau. Here, in an effort to try to prove himself once again capable of returning to his former rank of inspector, overzealous Clouseau is completely blind to the bank robbery happening visibly through the large picture windows behind the beggar. He is unaware of the (fake) beggar's blindness. And then, when he is called to account by Chief Inspector Dreyfus and relieved of duty, he shows no hesitation to ask for a personal loan from the man who just relieved him of duty.