Scene 10! EXT. CROWDED OUTDOOR BURGER JOINT – DAY Smooshed between folks, Dan (30’s) finally finds a seat next to Becky (30’s) on a picnic bench. Dan: Excuse me, would you mind if … Becky: Sure. No one is sitting here. Dan: Do you… Becky: Come here often? Yes. I love it here. I knew you were going to ask me that. I pride myself on being able to read people’s thoughts before they speak. Dan: What I mean is, do you think I could…. Beck: Call me Becky? Sure. All my friends do. My mom is the only one who calls me Rebecca. And that’s only when she wants something. Have you eaten here before? Dan: I… Becky: I thought you hadn’t. It’s a great place to meet cool, single people like myself. Sometimes, I ‘m kinda shy, but for some reason, you bring out my talkative side. Hey! Something wrong with your burger? You don’t seem to be eating yet. What are you waiting for? Dan: I’ve been trying to ask… Becky: For my phone number? Sure! I’d love to give it to you. Dan: Well, actually, I… Becky: Okay! Here it is! (Dan finally can’t take it anymore.) Dan: Rebecca! I’ve been trying to ask you for the past five minutes to please pass me the ketchup, so I can enjoy this wonderful burger before my French fries get cold! Becky: Okay. You don’t have to… Dan: YELL! Pass me the damn ketchup! (She passes him the ketchup, and sits demurely while he takes a bite.) Becky: Did you still want me to give you my... Dan: Phone number? Read my thoughts. (He sneers at her.) Dan: What do you think?

SCENE 10 INT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY The hustle and bustle of a school day ending. MARCI (17) and DARCI (17), tall, thin, dressed in colorful cheerleader uniforms, stand before their lockers and apply makeup, check their hair, the like. Between them is LAWRENCE (16), short, bespectacled, pulling books from his locker. Here comes BUCK, leather jacket, sliced back hair, an "I couldn't care less" walk. Immediately grabs the attention of the girls. Buck turns as he passes, smirks, almost as if to stop and say something. But he keeps going. The girls converge, oblivious to Lawrence, and explode. DARCI O. M. G. Did you see- MARCI I'm, like, hyperventilating over here, he looked right- DARCI Me! Who knew? I wouldn't have imagined- MARCI The hottest boy in school, interested in- DARCI How's my hair? I've been fighting with it all day I hope- MARCI I hope I have enough makeup on. Or perhaps he prefers, like- LAWRENCE (completely ignored) Ex... Excuse me... DARCI Gotta act natural, in case he comes- MARCI Maybe I should follow him? Is that what he- DARCI I'm freaking out, I'm FREAKING OUT, what should I- MARCI But he's sooo cool, so chill, maybe I should be- DARCI I'll just act aloof, but approachable, you know? Like, yea, you're into me, that's- LAWRENCE Please, girls, could you- MARCI Like, it's cool that you're into me. Saturday? Let me check- DARCI But get in line, right? MARCI I'm a hot ticket. A pin drops. Buck has returned, and as fast as they were going, the girls are immediately speechless. A beat, Buck uncomfortable in the silence, struggling to say something. BUCK Erm... Lawrence? Jaws, meet floor. The girls stare at Lawrence emerging from the void, seeing him for the first time. BUCK (CONT) (squirming) Um, dude, I'm like, failing Math. And you're, um, like the smartest kid in the school. Could you, maybe... tudor me this weekend? LAWRENCE (brightening) Y-yea, sure Buck, no problem. But you owe me! The boys laugh nervously. Then Buck awkwardly extends his hand, and they high five. Still laughing, they depart the school, leaving the girls frozen in their despair.

Feedback 10! Cute scene! Second line, he looked right...I felt it needed "at". The next line, "imagined" could have used an "if". I would have liked it a bit more if they girls could have continued their thought a teensy bit further, before their friend either cut them off first, or stole the thought. Nice ending!

Scene 09... INT. DARK CAVE A bubbling CAULDRON in the middle. Around it, THREE OLD CRONES (okay, they're WITCHES) in weird and weary tunics, so alike they may be sisters. They're throwing bits and bobs into the cauldron. WITCH #1 I'm tired of running around, chasing newts to pluck their eyes out and-- WITCH #2 The buggers are slippery, they are. And what about rooting about in the dark, digging hemlock roots? I twisted me ankle, I did. What's more- WITCH #3 With you two whiners, this potion's never going to get ready. Who's got the salt-sea shark's maw? We need-- WITCH #1 To take a vacation in Southern Spain. There's salt-sea for you... And sun... And-- WITCH #3 It's the eleventh century, the Moors rule the place and they-- WITCH #2 Blimey. We already got the moors here, I don't-- WITCH #3 Not heather moors, the fields. Heathen Moors, the people, and they-- WITCH #2 Well, we're kinda heathen ourselves, aren't we? Haha. Maybe-- WITCH #1 I heard about those Moors. Witches better stay well away, or else-- WITCH #2 They don't like us much here either, do they? At least there's sun and-- WITCH #3 Get thee to the task at hand. We got to finish this potion. We got work to do, we can't-- WITCH #2 Well, master William doesn't pay us so well to do his biding, does he? We should ask for a raise. At least proper names, instead of numbers. And credits, and-- WITCH #3 Back-end points? As if that would do any good. Those never amount to-- WITCH #1 Couldn't we at least have some fun? They all go silent. Exchange looks. The cauldron bubbles. They start to clap their hands, they sing and dance around the cauldron, to the tune of Blondie's "Heart Of Glass" (if we can get the rights). ALL Double double, toil and trouble. Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Feedback 08 Nice touch of Dan calling her Rebecca instead of Becky. Is this an anti-rom-com? These sure are different characters. Nice, Esther. The only thing is... if it's so crowded why isn't Becky already talking to someone? It seems like she and Dan are alone. In fact, wouldn't it work if Becky was alone at a table--with the only working ketchup jar? Make the misunderstanding more likely?

Feedback 09... Hi, Nicholas You forgot Buck's age and it's not clear why Lawrence addressed the girls (I suppose they're blocking him). Perhaps have the girls argue a bit over which one he's really interested? Other that that, I think you nailed it. I totally buy their speech patterns and vocabulary. Well done.

FEEDBACK10 I like that! really good. I agree with Roy that it is not clear what LAWRENCE trying to tell to girls. And I think that Buck would talk with LAWRENCE in a more tough manner at least in front of girls and I think that he would take him away from girls (to describe his problem).

Feedback 11 I really like that scene. the only one thing is there is no enough tension. different goals of that witches can do that (as option) Like one want to make poison, and kill someone, another act in opposite. Just an idea. But as I said I like the idea and language. Thank you

Scene 11. Small town. Small and old white house. Front door. A tall man (Mr. Smith) in a dark blue suite with wide smile on his face rings into a bell. The door opens and old small man (72) looks out. Mr. SMITH: Mr. Anderton? Mr. Anderton: yes Mr. SMITH: the asthmatic? Mr. ANDERTON: Ahm, well.. Mr. SMITH: Do not try to hide the facts. My name is Mr. Smith and My mission is to help people. Mr. ANDERTON: I do not need anything from… Mr. SMITH: that tis my favorite! People always tell that. ALWAYS. But you need one thing for sure! Mr. ANDERTON: go to the next door mr. salesman! (he tries to close the door, but Mr. Smith’s foot interferes with that effort. Mr. SMITH: Sure, sure, sure. Ms. Velington. she has allergy. I’ll help her as well. No worries about that! But first, you, Mr. Anderton. Mr. ANDERTON: would you let me ,close… Mr. SMITH: Your life in a great danger, let me show something. (he pushed the door with Mr Adnreton and came in) Mr. ANDERTON: Get out … Mr. SMITH: I need 1 max 5 min and when you’ll buy my vacuum cleaner and I’ll go to Mss. Velington. No worries about that! Mr. ANDERTON: I am not going… Mr. SMITH: (to his phone) The client want demonstration! Mr. ANDERTON: I am calling … Mr. SMITH: A doctor? You need one urgently (1 man in uniform came into the house with Vacum cleaner, plug it to electricity and starts cleaning a carpet MR. SMITH: I saw your analyzes. Didn’t doctor tell you that you left just several months Mr. ANDERTON: No.. But. MR. SMITH: that doctors do not tell the truth to old people like you. The truth is that you will live 2, 3 month not more. Mr. ANDERTON: slowly sits in his char (shoked). MR. SMITH: If I have something that can prolong your life for 5 years just for 1 990 USD. Would it be interesting to you? If not, I’m leaving and good luck! 10 minutes later. Near the house. Mr. Smith shakes Mr. Anderton’s hand. Mr. Smith: Mr. Anderton , congratulations! You made the best decision in your life. NO Worries about that! And now we are going to help MS Velington.

Feedback 1 I liked this, especially Becky's "thought reading" character and the payoff that she is actually horrible at guessing what people are about to say is great. I do think it feels a little forced at times. I thought Becky could be a bit more giving and I thought Dan's sneering last line wasn't quite set up. Someone who'd be so cruel at the end probably would have butted in a bit earlier. He seems more like the kind of guy who would have walked off to another table after getting the ketchup.

Feedback 2 This was a really fun scene. I would have liked a little more continuity when they kept interrupting each other though. They sort of abandoned their thoughts each time they were interrupted so it was hard to follow at times.

Feedback 3 I liked this scene a lot and the witch vibe is very different from what others are doing so kudos for that. I agree with the other comment about needing some tension. I think that stems from the fact that there's not a clear goal for the interruptions other than to toss out the next line. Like for example, if one of them were trying to read the spell and one of the others was obsessed about something (like whether or not someone likes her) and the third wants to gossip, then there would be something to resolve and once the first witch got the spell out the scene would effectively end (or you could have it get interrupted one final time for comedic effect).

Thanks all for your feedback. Lawrence is trying to escape the cheerleader sandwich they have made him the meat of. I'll try and rework it to make it clearer.

I tried to do that--Witch #3 wants to do the job, Witch #2 not much, Witch #1 not at all. Thanks, Alexander.

It's a change of pace from killing people left and right. Thanks, Tillery

Feedback 11 Hi, Alexander You need to read more English-especially screenplays--you moved from outside to inside without scene headings, which threw me off the track for a moment. There are some interesting ideas here, but it's a bit confusing, as your English has room for improvement. The vacuum cleaner should only come into play after Mr Smith has shocked Mr Anderton with the statement about the latter's health and after the "I have something that can prolong your life for 5 years". Also, there's no need for the man in uniform, there's no apparent reason why Mr Smith can't do the demonstration himself. Keep at it--the ones who succeed are the ones who don't give up.

SCENE 7 INT/EXT. AMBULANCE - NIGHT Inside, MARISSA (20) and DAVID (20), both paramedics. David drives. DAVID: Quiet night. MARISSA: I think I'll go back there and have a nap. DAVID: Wait. So, I've been thinking about.... DISPATHER (V.O.): All units, a 246 at Lincoln Boulevard. They drive away. INT./EXT AMBULANCE - LATER DAVID: So, I wanted to talk to you about something. MARISSA: Yes. DAVID: We're a... good... team, you know. I really like the way you treat the people we look after, you really care about them, and you are very patient. That says a lot about a person. My last partner was a real pain in the... you know. Always grumpy, I don't know why he chose this career, he'd be much better working somewhere else... like... I don't know. The DMV. She laughs. DISPATCHER (V.O.): All units, 245 at West Road. INT/EXT. AMBULANCE - LATER DAVID: You're the best partner and also... MARISSA: Wait, pull over. Do you want some coffee? DAVID: I'll go. He gets out of the ambulance, walks to a coffee shop. DAVID: I want a tall, non-fat, half sweet, decaf, vanilla latte with an extra shot at 110 degrees and cream. And could you draw a heart over it with caramel? BARISTA: Sure. DAVID (whispers): Would you like to go out with me on a date? (beat) Do you want to go. The ambulace's siren. David comes out of the coffee shop with the coffee. MARISSA: Another 246, hurry up.

Scene 8 INT - PLAY ROOM - DAY 7-year-old MITCH sits cross-legged on the floor, entertaining himself with some toy dinosaurs while engaged in conversation with his uncle ADAM. Adam, 50s, is tired but attentively babysitting, as he sits against the wall. MITCH So what happened next? ADAM Next? MITCH Yeah. ADAM (sighing) Then we got back in the car, and- MITCH What color was it? ADAM What color was what? MITCH The car? ADAM Wh-... Blue. It was blue. So, we got back in the car and- MITCH Dark blue? Light blue? My room is blue. Was it that blue? Sky blue? ADAM Um… It was, uh… I don’t know, Mitchy. Dark blue. Navy, I think. MITCH Okay. Navy blue car. ADAM Right. Good. So, once we were on the road again- MITCH But what kind of car? ADAM ...Do you want the make and model, or-? MITCH What? No. Like, how big? How many wheels did it have? What kinda doors? And… ooh, how fast did it go? I need to know. I wanna draw it. ADAM (amused) You want to draw it? MITCH Yeah. Ms. Andrews said I’m talented, and that I should draw more stuff. So I’m gonna draw the car. ADAM ...Oh! Mitchy, why didn’t you say so? In that case, what else do you want to know

Feedback 5 Hi there, Alejandro. :) I really like this scenario, and the lighthearted sort of tension you've developed here. I had a nice little laugh at the bit about how David's old partner should have worked at the DMV. Yikes! He must have been a nightmare. And I love how David practiced asking Marissa out as he was getting the coffee. that was cute. For my taste, some of David's lines don't seem quite natural enough. I read them out loud several times, and couldn't get them to sound as authentic as I'd like. I think you could get it to sound a bit more genuine, while still maintaining David's awkwardness.