SCENE 4 INT. SCOTTISH HUNTING LODGE NIGHT In the hearth the fire radiates warmth, washing the room with heat and golden light. In the corner, spent from the journey Princess Edina sleeps motionless on a straw cot. James and Bradwr lie like dogs on the furs laid out on the floor. MacDuff paces the room watching over them with a somber eye. Malcolm governs an overstuffed chair his eyes sliding the room as he follows MacDuff. MALCOLM: Edina said... MACDUFF: Princess Edina! Her title is both bred and won. MALCOLM: I’m sorry. MACDUFF: My pardon, if she chooses to let you speak that way, who am I to question it. Your audacity reminds me of my lady. MALCOLM: Your lady? Where is she? You’re only a few years older than me, how long have you been married? MACDUFF: I have seen 26 winters and 10 of those with my wife but now I count them without her. MALCOLM: You’ve been married since you were 16? Now you count them without... Silence. MALCOLM: Oh. (changing subjects) When you speak of her audacity is that because she’s like me, doesn’t know when to shut up. MacDuff sits besides Malcolm. MACDUFF: Yes. We met when I competed in my first highland games, I was 8, she was 6. She saw me compete in the maide leisg. I triumphed over all the boys my age and some as old as 10. She followed me the whole day dancing in front of me like a Wagtail. MALCOLM: Wagtail? MACDUFF: A bird. It wags its tail to attract a mate but from a six years old girl, (chuckling) quite a sight. MALCOLM: That’s when you knew she was for you? MACDUFF: No. That is when I thought she had been dropped on her head. That happened when I attended the games of my 13th year. She was radiant. The boys were following her, showing off in front of her. Punching each other, wrestling and kicking whenever she looked in their direction. (smiling) These two cousins of mine were play fighting. One was hurt more than he thought fair and suddenly they were really going for it. (laughing) Legs, arms, elbows, teeth. Rolling and swearing. It was a sight. Everyone backed off. Understanding that in that state no man can account for what will land where, you understand? MALCOLM: If you stand to close.. MACDUFF: Exactly! But not my lady. She stepped in knowing that they would not forgive each other if real harm was done. Then it happened... she got foot in the stomach at the same time as an elbow hit her eye! I have never seen someone so aflame. She grappled them both, by their ears, mind, and pulled them apart. Scolded them like they were toddlers. Then punched one in the belly and the other in the jaw. (crowing) That is when I knew she was for me. It was not only her hair that was on fire, it was her spirit.

SCENE 5 INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE – NIGHT RYAN and CUDDER, two hard-nosed goons for hire, lay out a TARP while a low-level hustler, GIL, comes to terms with what’s next. GIL: You’re really going to kill me over a kilo? You’re a piece of shit. Cudder forces Gil to his knees in the middle of the tarp. Ryan aligns his GUN with the back of Gil’s shaved head. RYAN: It’s business, not personal. GIL: Your boss tell you to say that? Shit, let me hear something original before I die over this bullshit. CUDDER: He says it every time. Criminals are creatures of habit. RYAN: My life coach said I need a ritual to bring peace into my life. GIL: You told your spiritual adviser you’re a hired gun for the Cooper Brothers? RYAN: Not in those exact terms. GIL: Jesus was a life coach, right? He said love your enemies. That means you should let me go. RYAN: Your moral credibility went out the window when you took our corners. GIL: I'll work for y'all, man. Pay it back double. RYAN: Orders are orders. GIL: Hey, hold on, man. Please. I, uh, I got a joke. I got a joke! Ryan turns to Cudder, thoroughly amused. This is a clearly first. RYAN: Proceed, Gilbert. GIL: Ok. Knock knock—actually, no. Ok. A life coach, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. RYAN: And? GIL: They all said “ouch”. Ryan chuckles slightly. RYAN: That’s actually pretty good. GIL: Really? Ryan abruptly fires at Gil’s head. RYAN: Yeah, best last joke I’ve ever heard. Gonna share it with my life coach.

Feedback 9 Hi I really like that scene. But from my perspective that might work even better if GIL made his way out with a joke or maybe he just save some time and something happened that helped him to release. But that is just my opinion. Well done

Thanks for the encouragement and the feedback. I agree with you...I ended it how I did because that was easiest...wasn't sure how to get Gil out of it in a believable way. I'll play around with that.

Feedback 05 Hi, Kim. Well, not quite a joke, perhaps a funny story... Saying "I love her" without those words, that works well. Nice touches - "wagtail". It seems you've adapted this from a screenplay you're writing on Macbeth? It reminds me more of a Romantic 19th century version than Shakespeare's--or 10th century. I wonder what your plans are. Keep at it.

Thanks RoyGordon! Re-reading it, your correct, funny story, not joke. Will think if I want to change it. Yes, It is part of a ff I'm writing right now. Going back to it right now. :)

Scene 8 INT. DARK ITALIAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT Dinner is cleared, but wine glasses are full. A crusty Italian man in his 70’s sits with an energetic Italian woman in her late 20’s. Uncle Joe: You'll never get work. Rosa: I will! I can do it. I want to be a comedy writer. But, I could use some of your...well...contacts? Uncle Joe: You’re pretty enough, but not funny enough. Rosa: Funny enough? Of course I’m funny. There’s more than one kind of funny, Uncle Joe. Lots of different kinds funny out there. Uncle Joe: Such as? Rosa: Well, there’s dark funny, silly bathroom funny, slap-stick funny… Uncle Joe: Slap-stick funny. I like slap-stick funny. Rosa: So, you like…Airplane, the movie. Uncle Joe: Now, that was funny. I love that movie. Rosa: That’s slapstick funny mixed with a some bathroom funny. Uncle Joe: So what are you? Rosa: I’m funny, in a cute sort of way. Uncle Joe: Cute funny? Rosa: You've seen Princess Bride, right? "Mostly Dead." You liked it. That was funny, right? Uncle Joe: Yea, but it had pirates. Rosa: It was cute funny. Uncle Joe: So tell me a joke. Rosa: Me? A joke? Uncle Joe: Funny people tell jokes. Rosa: Come on, Uncle Joe. Uncle Joe: You want to be a writer? Think of something. Make me laugh. Tell me a joke, and maybe, if it’s a good joke, I’ll introduce you to a few of the Hollywood types I know. Rosa: Okay. Jokes aren’t really my thing, but I can do this! Um…how about the one about….no….Why did the…no… Okay. I got this. No offense, Uncle Joe … what’s the difference between the Mafia and the government? He gives her a “If Looks Could Kill” kind of look. Rosa: One of them is… organized? Uncle Joe is dead-pan. Rosa nervously takes a sip of wine. Then a smirk reaches his face. Then a smile, then full-on laughter as he gets the joke. Uncle Joe: Organized! Ha! Ha! Ha! That’s is funny! Ha! Ha! Ha! Okay. I’ll introduce you around. Ha! Ha! Ha! Rosa: See, I told you I was funny. Thanks, Uncle Joe.

Scene 7 INT. OFFICE - DAY ABRAHAM (43) looking all depressed and pathetic walks into the office of RABBI BROOKS (68) the spitting image of wisdom and knowledge. ABRAHAM: Excuse me Rabbi, may I--? RABBI BROOKS: Don't just stand there. You'll catch cold. Come in, have a sit. ABRAHAM: Thank you. RABBI BROOKS: So, what troubles you? ABRAHAM: Well Rabbi, I… I wanted to talk to you about... well… divorcing my wife. Rabbi Brooks sits silently. Abraham shuffles uncomfortably in his seat. RABBI BROOKS: And? ABRAHAM: What do you mean and? RABBI BROOKS: Oh, that's it? Over the phone you made it sound so urgent like an existential doubt or something like that. Why do you want a divorce? ABRAHAM: I think my wife’s having an affair. Rabbi Brooks closes his eyes and meditates for a bit while Abraham looks on ever so concerned. RABBI BROOKS: Two men arrive at the Garden of Eden, an older mensh and a naked man. The naked man asks the mensh how he got there. The mensh replies, ‘I suspected my wife was having an affair so I arrived early one day and sure enough my wife was naked in bed looking all flustered. She swore that there was no one but I chose not to believe her. I started looking everywhere, under the bed, in the closet, in the bathroom. I must have looked for hours. Finally, I fell to my knees begging my wife for forgiveness for behaving like a meshugener. My guilt was so big that I had a heart attack and died right there on the spot.’ The naked man angrily replies ‘Shmendrik! If you'd only looked in the refrigerator we would both be alive!’ The rabbi smiles proudly. Abraham looks dumbfounded. RABBI BROOKS: I hope this pearl of wisdom will be of comfort. He gets up and walks Abraham to the door. ABRAHAM: What the… Wait. What does this mean? What should I do? RABBI BROOKS: Ah, the mysteries of life. He closes the door on a confused Abraham.

Feedback 3 estarcarr I loved this scene. The setup for the joke (which was hilarious, by the way) was really well orchestrated and completely natural. Excellent flow throughout. It still needs a bit of polishing and tightening. For example Rosa's last line is just repetitive. Maybe I would have been better to just show her reaction. Great job.

FEEDBACK 05 I like the premise as it opens up so many possibilities. However I didn't understand why, if they were professionals, they would even listen to his joke? They have clearly done this before so wouldn't feel empathy for him and they didn't know him personally beforehand so that was a little confusing. Dialogue was spot on though!

Scene 03 Int. Restaurant There are tables and chairs spread all around, in pairs. A banner hangs above it all, reading "Shirley's Speed Dating Service!" Close on JERRY, 30, bearded and jolly. He sits across from MARGE, also 30, way above his league and barely even listening. JERRY: --and then the bartender says to him-- (Holding back his laughter) --sure! But we don't serve food here! Jerry laughs hysterically. Marge sips her drink and gives a slight chuckle. JERRY: Did you not get it? I can say it again if you want-- MARGE: No, I got it. JERRY: Are you sure? Because you're not laughing. MARGE: Yeah, I got it. Its just not very funny. JERRY: What? That joke is hilarious! I'll explain it again. It's because he's a sandw-- MARGE: Uh-huh. Oh right yeah, now I get it. You're right. That's a good one. JERRY: I have another one like it if you want to hear it-- A bell rings. MARGE: Oh. Looks like time is up. Pleasure meeting you-- bye-bye now. Jerry reluctantly stands up and moves to the next table. A handsome, chiseled man, JEFF, sits across from Marge. MARGE: Marge. JEFF: (Kissing her hand) Jeffery. MARGE: Do you want to hear the funniest joke ever?! Right, A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a drink-- Cut to black: THE END.

FEEDBACK 10 A very original way of using the joke, I liked how you first wrote the punchline, then the reaction and we find out the setup until it's the second guy's turn. It works really well. I'd probably cut Jerry's dialogue "sandw." to just "It's because he is a..."

--- SCENE FOUR --- INT. ELECTRONICS STORE - SOFTWARE AISLE MAX, late teens, wearing the store "uniform" is adding new software titles to the shelves. TREVOR, early 20s, wearing the store "uniform" strolls up to him. TREVOR: Hey, Max? New guy, right? MAX: Yeah. TREVOR: (points to name tag): Trevor. I didn't get the chance to meet you when you started the other day. MAX: I've heard some stories about you. TREVOR: They may all be true. Anyway, I know you might be a little nervous meeting some of the folks, especially the floor managers. So, I'll help you out, let you know what they like, so it'll be easier to talk to them. Tricia, she likes cats and Supernatural. Mike, has his own punk goth band that performs on Saturday nights at Saltwood Hold. MAX: I'm underage. TREVOR: Come with me and I'll get you in. Oh, Nikki-- HANK, early 20s, wearing the store "uniform" is at the other end of the aisle, but only Trevor sees him. HANK (mouthing): Don't-- A customer accosts Hank. TREVOR: Sorry... where was I? MAX: You were talking about Nikki... TREVOR: Yeah, she's a cutie. Huge Trek fan. Even does cosplay. She doesn't have a boyfriend if you're wondering. Oh, and there's Dane. Love Dane, think the world of him. His dad runs marathons. He recently finished in the Top 10 for his age group at the Boston Marathon. MAX: Wow. TREVOR: I know. DANE, mid 20s, wearing the store "uniform" approaches Trevor from behind. DANE: Trevor, c'mon man. Quit talking to the new employees. Oh, Rick wants to see you like five minutes ago. TREVOR: Oh, hey Dane. Have you met Max? Trevor nods his head towards Dane while looking at Max. MAX: Hey, I heard your dad did great in the Boston Marathon. DANE: What? (tears forms in his eyes) My dad doesn't have any legs. Dane runs off crying. Trevor slaps Max on the shoulder. TREVOR: Welcome aboard.

Scene 9 INT. ‘C’ TERMINAL MITCHELL INTERNATIONAL – DAY Mostly empty lounge – some trash, and two men sitting beside each other. A beeping curtesy car zips down the vacant hall. TRAVIS, 64 in black jeans and bedazzled western shirt sprawls beside BEN, 26, Brooks Brother’s suit, tie loosened, an experienced victim. Travis: Seems kind of a waste to me, you flying all the way out here just for a meeting. Ben: Company doesn’t think so. Travis: Don’t you have that fancy computer chat movie thing? Ben: Sometimes you have to sit across from a man. Travis scratches himself, flops an arm on the chair behind Ben. Travis: I get that. Like, when I was over there, on the other side, I thought, “This guy looks like a tight ass.” But see? You’re cool. Ben: You thought I looked like a tight ass? Travis: Yeah. If I only saw you on the television I’d think, “Man, that guy is lame. Glad I’m not stuck next to him at the airport.” Ben chuckles politely. Travis: But still, you flying all the way out here, that’s kind of a long way to go. Just to figure out if somebody’s okay to do business with. Ben pulls a pack of gum from his computer bag. Offers Travis a stick. Travis takes it. Reads the wrapper. Chuckles. Ben sighs. Ben: What’s so funny? Travis: This gum’s got a joke on it. Wanna hear it? Ben: Sure. Why not? Travis: What kind of bees do you get milk from? Ben: I have no idea. Travis: Boo-bees. Travis slaps his knees, laughs. Ben looks at Travis. Smiles.

Feedback #4 First of all, one of my all time favorite jokes so +1. Maybe you could work in another bar joke? Like, "You're not laughing. Is your bar higher?" (That's terrible but hopefully illustrates my point.)

Scene 10 Marty stands before the wedding party and taps his champagne glass. It breaks. he grabs another. He sweats profusely. Finally someone YELLS and people quiet down. Marty: I just wanted to say, well so there's a joke they tell... he wipes his brow. The lights bright in his eyes. Marty: There's a Priest, a Rabbi and a Monk... The lights brighten. Marty looks around. Jeff: The joke? Marty: Right, yes a joke. marriage is a joke. The party murmurs. Marty: Nope, marriage is great, but there's a joke about marriage that sums it up. Jeff: I think what my friend marty is trying to say is being single is like masturbation. It's way better with two people cuz then it's a hand job. The party gasps. Jeff: Was that what you were trying to say or did I misread that?