SCENE 4 EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY A middle-aged MAN, we think, walks down the crowded sidewalk. We can only see his back, upon which is draped a colorful poncho that almost completely covers his tan cargo shorts. His grey-specked hair is dirty and wily, the rubber band around it holding on for dear life. MAN (V.O.): Dude, it’s warm out today. I wish I was wearing something under this. But we don’t want to relive the park incident again, do we? This voice is deep and slow, taking time to form sentences. Which is why we are surprised to hear- MAN (V.O.): Just take it off, we’re dying under here! The park was only an “incident” because you were in the playground. Look around - no monkey bars. This voice is high pitched and squirrely, in a rush. The man flicks his wrist. MAN (V.O.): (deep and slow) There’s people everywhere, we can get in just as much trouble. I’d rather be hot than in the drunk tank again. MAN (V.O.): (fast and squirrely) You should have fought back, You were twice that dudes size! Also the calm one, aren’t you? Look where that got you! MAN (V.O.): (deep and slow) Dude, violence is never the answer. Just look at the time you convinced me to sock our landlord. Look where THAT got me. MAN (V.O.): (fast and squirrely) He had no right raising the rent! And the nerve to complaining about our smoking, we both know he puts away two packs of those cancer sticks a day! A beat as an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN passes close by in the opposite direction, the clicking of her heels rising above all else. There is no visible reaction from the man, but we can feel two sets of eyes follow here as far as they can. MAN (V.O.): (fast and squirrely) Dude DUDE look at that one. Hey baby, that dress would look better with my head in it! MAN (V.O.): (deep and slow): Dude… The woman turns her head sharply, as if she heard something, but the man is lost within the crowd. As the man continues his lackadaisical stroll a SUIT passes by quickly, his tailored outfit slick against the disheveled look of the man. MAN (V.O.): (fast and squirrely) Look at this square. How many asses you think he had to stick his nose up to get a job that requires him to wear THAT? The suit does a twirl and grabs the man’s arm. He recoils immediately as his hand is soaked with the man’s sweat. SUIT: (disgust) Did you just say something to me? We get a first look at the man’s face. His eyes are sharp above a salt and pepper beard. Fear and embarrassment flash within them. MAN: (low and slow) Nah, dude, I didn’t say anything. Must have been someone else. The man pulls away quickly and escapes in the sea of pedestrians. He continues his walk but we are now focused on his front. MAN: (low and slow) Dude, you can’t be yelling shit like that... I’m not trying to get into a confrontation, I just want to be left alone. The voice over drops, as the conversation has been happening out loud and not in the man’s head. MAN: (fast and squirrely, loudly) I’ll rip that dude apart! Thinks he’s better than me? Touch us again! People are glancing over at the man. He grabs his mouth, bows his head, and ducks into an alleyway.

Scene 2 INT. BATHROOM SHOWER – NIGHT Red swirls down the shower drain. We hear a woman’s panicky voice, but we don’t see her. Woman: Nooo. No. No. Oh, God. I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to do it. The stream of words continues as she stalks into the bedroom. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT She wears a red stained bathrobe, while nervously pacing around a double bed. We can only see her body from her neck and below. Not her face and head. Woman: I did it, though, didn’t I? I really did it. Why did I do it? It’s all his fault. He made me do it. No. What an idiot. I’m such an idiot. I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have done it. Look at me! What do I do now? I need professional help. She stops for a moment, then back to pacing anxiously. Woman: Even professionals might not be able to help me at this point. They have to help. They’re professionals. They can fix this. But there’s no time! He’s gonna be here in half an hour! I just wanted to look nice for tonight. Get rid of the gray. I thought I could try being a red head. Men like red heads, right? I must have grabbed the wrong box, that's all. Who am I kidding? I’m a failure. I'm horrible at following directions. What’s he going to think of me now? Maybe he won’t notice. Scarves, sun hats, baseball hats land on the bed. A sombrero flies through the air. Woman: Of course, he’ll notice! How could you not notice. My first date since the divorce, and it’s already a disaster! What’s wrong with a little gray? Huh? I have gray hair. So what?! I need to accept that. Except, that it’s too late! What am I going to do? I look like a flaming pumpkin! We pull back to see a distraught woman in her 40’s, sitting on her bed defeated, staring at herself in the mirrored closet doors. She has a head of bright orange hair. Woman: (Crying) I want my gray baaaack! She falls back flat on the bed.

Feedback 1 Estarcarr: I really liked what you did with the scene. Good imagery and great twist at the end. I would suggest to drag on the suspense a bit longer. Keep us wondering what she did. Cut out the exposition on her third dialogue. Focus on the gore and don't mention the gray, the red heads, the box or the directions. This way, the hats and sombreros image has more impact and the final payoff is much stronger. She is repeating herself many times, which only extends the scene. Make her hesitate more so it sounds more natural. Also, if you make her come out with a white robe AND a towel over her head, both with red stains, you can forego the camera directions. The have her slowly and painfully remove the towel to reveal the hair colour. Just a thought. Well done.

Yes! Great feedback. Thanks!

Scene 1 EXT BEHIND LARGE ROCK IN THE SCOTTISH LOWLANDS Hiding, Malcolm holds the King’s sword like he is brandishing a cross against an evil spirit. Alone, he looks around him and realizes he is supposed to be the hero. MALCOLM: Alright, what do I know about the Red King? Erm, he... has killed everybody who’s gone up against him. Good. Good to know, okay. (beat) Yeah. That’s not helping. Think! He’s killed by me. Atta boy. Or is he? At least, I think that’s what Billy said and... and then what? Mental note: When I meet Shakespeare, tell him to up his details, cause really, what’s the point of being a writer, if you don’t tell everybody exactly how something happens and what people are thinking? (takes a breath) I can do this. Yes... Oh shit, I sound like a cheerleader. Stall much? C’mon man up! Taking three steadying breaths Malcolm stands and is immediately clothes lined by MacDuff who wraps his arm around Malcolm’s throat, flinging him to the ground MACDUFF: What, in the bloody hell are you doing? MALCOLM: (gasping) Well, I was about to fight the Red King but now I’m just trying to breathe. Still pinning Malcolm down, MacDuff wrestles the sword from him. MACDUFF: You don’t defeat the Red King. MALCOLM: Not if you kill me first. MACDUFF: I’m not killing you. MALCOLM: (wheezing) That could be a matter of opinion. Blue’s a good color for me but not that good. MACDUFF: What? MALCOLM: Choking.. Casually releasing Malcolm, MacDuff rises, gripping the sword ready for the inevitable fight. Malcolm stands. MALCOLM: Everyone keeps telling me that if I want to be a good friend, I have to think of my friends first. MACDUFF: (formally) Malcolm Duncan of Inverness, you are the best friend I have ever known. I will defeat the Red King because I need for you to live. MacDuff extends his hand, Malcolm grasps it and we cry a little as they hug as manly men everywhere have always done. Then, MacDuff knocks Malcolm out with a hilt assisted blow to his head. MACDUFF: Sorry about that. Hurts me as much as you but Portia made me promise. She swears it’s the only way to keep you safe.

Scene 1 (totally unfinished...) Ext. Kindergarten –day A WOMAN (40+) in a thick overcoat hurries towards the building of a kindergarten (kids paintings on windows, little handprints, etc.) Woman: „Today ist the day. Here´s my chance.“ As she enters into the building, we see a fake leopard tail dangling from her behind. Woman: „she´ll be my real child today. I will be her... mommy! I hope she will call me that. Will she..? oh my god.“ Int. Kindergarten –day While the woman walks down the hallways, she greets several costumed colleagues good morning. Woman:“ she looks like me. Always has. I have proof.“ As she opens her locker we see several pictures attached to the inside. One is faded: a girl, age 4, with blond hair. Next to it is another girls picture, age 4, taken recently. There is no other resemblance except for they´re both blond and smiling. The woman stares at the pictures for a moment, then takes of her coat. She is dressed in a leopard print dress, leggins and a leopard tail attached to the back of the dress. Woman:“ The time I put into that costume! It took me, what, 4 nights? Can´t sow... I´m too chubby. My hands just aren´t made for small needles and threat. But I did it! I finished it!“ She smoothes out her costume and takes some leopard ears out her bag and plops them onto her head. She checks her image in the mirror. Woman: „I´ll bet he the prettiest Mommy. This dress was much easier. Just 6 bucks. The ears are killer, though. She´ll love them!“ She starts to apply leopard make-up to her face. Woman: „I wish I could put make-up on her, too...“ She goes inside the kindergarten room filled with about 5 children in costumes and a young teacher assistant, who is a mermaid. They all greet her cheerfully. She kneels down and embraces several of the kids (age 3-5) heartily. The door opens and a MOTHER(35) with her LITLLE GIRL (4) enters. The girl is dressed as a leopard in an elaborate, hand made costume. MOTHER:” Hi there! Oh gosh, you look great!” The little girl is holding on to her mothers hand. Mother:” Thank you so much for lending us this costume! I would never had the time to make anything so nice… She loves it, right, Maureen?” The little girl nods. She slowly let´s go of her mothers hand and moves closer to the WOMAN. The mother glances at the womans costume, waves good bye and leaves. Woman:“ hello kitty cat! Who´s a nice little leopard, huh?“ The girl reaches her outstretched arms and is swallowed up by her embrace. Woman:“ she is mine. I love her so much. She is really my child. Does she know it..? She must sense it, too. I´m so sure about this.“ Girl:“ I´m a leopard!“ She makes a wild face and plays scratchy claws with her fingers. Woman:“ oh, you´re a wild one!“ Girl:“ and you´re my leopard – mommy!“ The woman carefully kisses the girls forehead and put´s her down to the other children while hiding her face from the teacher assistant, overcome with emotion. A tear runs through her make-up and leaves a clear path. Woman: “she knows.”

SCENE 01 INT. HOUSE - DAY ARTHUR (30s) shuts the door behind him, leans back on the door. ARTHUR The woman is inconstant, like a feather in the wind. One moment she's inviting--more than inviting...Painting in the nude, she says... He rubs his hand across his face, as if chasing thought out of his head. ARTHUR Oh, man. Then the next moment, she chases you away. You--me. Talking to myself, I'm talking to myself. (deep breath) But it's all right. It's all right. You don't want another breakdown, do you? No, I don't. Dr Gordon says talking to yourself is perfectly normal, it lowers the anxiety. And he's a genius. Arthur nods several times as if persuading himself of Dr Gordon's genius, while slowly inhaling and exhaling. ARTHUR Okay, okay, okay. What to do? Should I stay or should I go? If I don't, I may regret it. If I go... I may also regret it. Is she an angel or a demon? I don't know, I just don't know. (looks around) Oh, man, I should be talking to a mirror, no? That's a time-honored tradition and Dr Gordon approves. The man's a genius. Or he's a great big loony. He takes off at a trot, out of the room.

SCENE 4 INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT A THIN MAN sits in a sturdy chair and squirms against the restraints on his wrists and ankles. Two THUGS stand on either side of him. One of them holds an empty syringe, the other has a pistol in his hand. THIN MAN: That stuff won't work on me. No sir. I know how to beat it. Got me an antidote. Fuck. Did I say that out loud? Cuts his eyes up at the two THUGS' smug faces. THIN MAN: Stop talking, damn you. There's no way they can find it. No way. It's hid good. Damn good. All you got to do is keep your cool, man. And for fuck's sake stop talking. The Thin Man giggles, then clamps his mouth shut. His face reddens. The two thugs pull up chairs and wait. THIN MAN: Lester wanted to hide it in the shed. Numbnut. They'll find it for sure. That's what I told him. Listen to me. I know the perfect place. I know a place where those thick headed fucker's--Shut up! The thugs glare at him. Sweat beads appear above the thin man's lip. He bites down on his top lip until blood trickles down his mouth. THIN MAN: Stupid mother fucker. His eyes dart from one thug to the other. THIN MAN: I don't mean you. No not you. Whatever you do, don't tell them about the key. God dammit. Shut up. The key. The key. Oh hell. They won't find it in the hem of your pants if you just-- God dammit. God dammit. One of the thugs reaches down and searches the hem of his pants. Tears the hem and comes up with the key. THIN MAN: It won't do you any good. You don't know what it goes to. You'll never figure it out. You wont' get it out of me. I'll never tell. I'll never tell. Quit talking, dumbass. Oh, God, I can't stop... It's in the--no. I. won't. tell. Thugs shift in their seats, restless. THIN MAN: They'll find the other stuff hidden there, jackass. Keep you mouth shut. Swallow your fucking tongue if you have to. Tears spring to his eyes. THIN MAN: It's safe. Safe inside a lock box in the false bottom. No!!! Shut up. Shut the fuck up! It's...No!! Tackle box. False bottom. Key. Oh hell, now they have no reason to keep your sniveling ass al-- Shot rings out. The thin man slumps in the chair.

FEEDBACK 8 I really like the dialogue you've chosen for this guy but in my opinion, you'd be better off dropping the V.O. all together. I'm not sure that this adds anything. Also, I'd limit the parentheticals. Instead, you might want to put something in the initial set up, something simple like, a man walks down the sidewalk, mutters to himself. This way, you don't slow the action down for the reader with the direction. Good job!

FEEDBACK 3 Wow, this is great! The disjointed dialogue really portrays the woman's mental state. Not knowing it was the (assuming) teacher made it a little confusing trying to understand her story, I think labeling her as that from the beginning won't take anything from the suspense. Still, good job, makes me want to read more!

Feedback 11 Ha! That's a funny twist. I like it. The only suggestion that I have is that you might want to trim the initial dialogue a bit for better flow. Some of it is a little repetitive and I don't think that it adds to it. Otherwise, I love the set up and the twist. I laughed out loud.

Feedback 1 Audrey I like how you have set this up. The conflict is well paced and although there is repetition I believe it quite rightly represents his inner, turned outer, turmoil. Very fun.

FEEDBACK 5 I like the idea of crazy dialog and the struggle of a "normal" man to fight the evil. I would add here some action that the bad man want to accomplish here. that would bring dynamics and more drama.

Feedback 6 Audrey, I like everything in that scene. Definitely want to know more of that story. Thank you.

Feedback 01 Jolly good idea you had. And the beginning brings to mind "Psycho". You've done well, I liked this scene. You could play up the suspense... She starts to give it away by "I just wanted to look nice for tonight. Get rid of the gray. I thought I could try being a red head." I think this should be nearer the end. Could have quite a bit more of leading us up the wrong path... Red hands? Out, damned spot comes to mind.

oh, thanks Nicholas! I felt really awfull posting something as rough as this... I wasn´t sure: is teacher really the proper word for the kindergarten?

Feedback 1 I like the scene as well! -except for the ending. The conflict is between the drug and the mentioned antidote, right? But that was one worthless antidote, right? an idea for an intidote: could be that he starts to talk like crazy about something else, get really engaged in another story -and they try to get him back to the point. Just an idea. Then there´d be more of a struggle.

Paula, Don't worry, just getting it out there is what counts! Was a pleasure reading it. I'm not sure if there's another word for kindergarten. I always assumed teacher. I think at least in this case having that as a defining label would be fine and clear us some confusion.

5th Scene Small Town. Street. Midday. Hot. An old horse so thin, that you can see all its ribs slowly pulling old cart. There is an old cabman with with bear (65 yo) sitting in the cart. He weares cowboy hat and his face almost hidden. Someone sits in cart too but all we can see is just a top of a woman’s hat. An OLDMAN speaks slowly and loud and point with his hands to different directions . OLDMAN: Hey Jane– do you remember that mountains? how we went there. It was raining like hell and we found a cave. What a storm it was. You were sitting, trembling like a leaf on the wind. I hugged you and said that I love you. Do you remember JANE ? And you said I love you too. Jesus my heart almost ripped up my chest and jumped away to that dark clouds and lightings. That how I was happy that day. He takes a thought for a little Slowly moving on his cart. OLD MAN: Hey Darling, Do you remember that bar? I bet you do That is where I asked to marry me. My God , you said yes. You know what, you made my stupid poor , little life BIG, REALLY big. You’re everything for me. every day I thank God for you. The cart pass by. We see 2 men looking at the Cart with OLD MAN. 1 MAN: Who is he? 2 MAN that’s our local fool. 20 years ago his wife run away with a track driver and poor man lost his mind. Hi still think that she lives with him. Every Year at her birthday he Dress a doll in wife’s clothes and drive around the town with her. They watch man driving away and talking loud to himself and his wife.

FEEDBACK 4 Good start here. I feel like you can add some more dialogue for the old man here to better establish his mental state. Also it could be better to somehow reveal Jane is a doll via action instead of having an arbitrary character explaining it, as the existing dialogue already hints at something being out of place. Thanks!

Thanks, everyone for the feedback. Paula, to me, the conflict is between the thin man's desire not to talk and drug that's making him talk. The antidote, for my purpose, was to add more surprise for the Thin man when he realized it didn't work.

FEEDBACK 13 Hi Kim. There are some cute lines in this but I think that I got a bit confused as to what was happening. Is MACDUFF a figment of the boy's imagination? If so, I think you might want to rework this a bit so that it's clearer. My suggestions would be to put something in your initial set up that explains that Malcolm plays alone. Maybe he wears a homemade costume made from an old sheet. Then when you introduce MACDUFF, describe Macduff as appearing in full knight's regalia. This way, the reader knows that he's a fantasy. Of course, If I've got it all wrong, please forgive me. :)

FEEDACK 13 You've got a good start here. I can clearly see where this is headed even if it doesn't feel quite complete. The woman's delusion is well presented! One suggestion would be or the woman to begin leading the girl out of the building and start telling her how the other woman couldn't possibly be her mother, sort of start working on a brainwash or the girl. But good job!

FEEDBACK 14 Hi Alexander. You've done a good job with the dialogue for the old man. It's touching. I like the twist at the end but I agree with the other feedback that perhaps you should draw it out a little longer by adding more to the man's dialogue at the end. You could add a couple more lines, that progresses his life with his wife just a bit and then end with the men in the street shaking their heads at the fool. Good job!

FEEDBACK 15 This scene clearly shows a man's mental illness. I think though that you could expand it a bit. I would have liked to have gotten more into his head, especially the beginning. I was interested to see where he was going with that. Nice start.

Thanks for the feedback Audrey. It's a first, very rough, draft so I understand if it's confusing. Malcolm only speaks to himself in the beginning of the scene then MacDuff comes in. When I started the scene I had every intention of just having Malcolm alone throughout. Then this ending came and since it's for the feature I'm writing right now, I ran with it.

SCENE 3 EXT. BACK ALLEY – DAY A svelte MAN in his 40's dressed to the nines paces a filthy street alley behind a bank. MAN: This is it. Come on. Come on! He puts on a SKI MASK. He pauses as if confused. Then he beats his chest in a faux primal rage. MAN: Maybe this isn’t it. Maybe this is a bad idea. This is definitely a bad idea. (A beat.) But that’s what makes it a good idea. Stick it to the man. Stick it to these ungrateful bastards. They will recognize my greatness. He bobs and weaves like a boxer. He throws a couple flimsy air punches. MAN: This is it. Right now. Right here. They said it’s not personal? Really? It’s not personal? It’s personal to this person. It’s very personal right now. It’s extremely personal to this guy. Four-time employee of the month, in case they forgot. He reaches into his BACKPACK when the sound of footsteps brings him to dead stop. Steven quickly kicks the backpack out of sight behind a GARBAGE CAN. A plump, middle-aged male BANK EMPLOYEE wobbles over and peers into the alley. BANKER: Hey, what’s all the yelling about! (A beat.) Steven? What the hell are you doing? MAN (nervously): I’m not Steven. I’m Dale. BANKER: I’m Dale, Steven. Steven relents and pulls off his mask. STEVEN: I have needs, Dale. Existential needs. And something existentially precious has been taken from me, Dale. Something very precious. DALE: Steven, please do not tell me this is about you losing employee of the month to the new guy. STEVEN: And if it is? Dale throws his hands up in surrender. DALE: I'll make sure you get it next month. Ok? STEVEN: Five-time employee of the month? Has a good ring to it. Yes, I can live with that.

thank you very Audrey,

Thank you Nicholas. Good comment!

Thanks Nicholas Moore and Audrey for comments. I made some adjustments to dialog. EXT. Small Town. Street. Midday. Hot. An old horse so thin, that we can see all its ribs slowly pulling cart. There is an old cabman with white bear (65 yo) sits in the cart. He wears cowboy hat and his face almost hidden. Someone sits in cart too but all we can see is just a top of a woman’s hat. An OLDMAN speaks slowly and loud. OLDMAN: Hey Jane– do you remember that mountains? how we went there. It was raining like hell and we found a cave. What a storm it was. You were sitting and trembling like a leaf on the wind. I hugged you and said, that I love you. And you said: “I love you too”. Jesus my heart almost ripped up my chest and jumped away to that dark clouds and lightings. That how I was happy that day. He takes a thought for a little Slowly moving on his cart. OLD MAN: Darling, Do you remember that bar? I bet you do. That is where I asked to marry me. My God , you said yes. You know what, You made my stupid poor , little life REALLY BIG. Another pause: OLD MAN: You know I never told you but I want to say sorry now. That year I lost my job and began to drink. Do you remember? One night I came drunk as a fiddler and you were packing your things. You said that you gonna leave. And that sobered me right away. And I pleaded you to give me the last chance. Another pause OLD MAN: Life can be tough. Yep. Tough. But we lived that through Darling. Thank you for everything. I am so happy to be with you all these years. He turned to his wife. And we see that he talks to a dressed DOLL sitting next to him. The cart pass by. We see 2 men looking at the Cart with the OLD MAN. 1 MAN: Who is it? 2 MAN that’s our local fool. 20 years ago his wife ran away with a track driver and poor man lost his mind. They watch man driving away and talking loud to his ”wife”.

Thanks, Audrey. Might have expanded it a bit, but better to leave before people get bored.

SCENE 1 JERRY splashes water on his face. Looks at himself in the mirror. JERRY: Just say it. All you've got to do is put the words together. You're great. You're great. Thing is, you're great but I think maybe I need something... It's not you it's, no... I am so lucky to, fuck. Come on just say it. I want a divorce. Easy right? I want a divorce. Marriage is not what we both need right now. I think we should get a divorce. The toilet flushes. A MAN walks out and washes his hands in the sink next to Jerry. THE MAN: Make sure you order a cold dessert. I made the mistake of ordering creme brulee when I asked for a divorce and my ex nearly burned my dick off.

HA! I like this. Short but very descriptive of the situation. Just one thought, the last bit of dialogue seems a bit too long. You might just leave off the "make sure you order a cold dessert" and say something that doesn't require explanation, like "Take it from me, don't order coffee. When I asked my wife for a divorce she nearly burned my dick off." But just a suggestion. Good work!

FEEDBACK 04 I would normally agree that it is a little short but I am so impressed with how deep we get into his psyche in such a small amount of time. Really well done. Only criticism is that the opening dialogue line felt a little more "poetic" than the rest of his lines and did seem inconsistent. Other than that it's brilliant!

Scene 03 Ext. Car park A car sits alone in a car park. Its trunk wide open. A man, DOUG, in a heavy bomb suit slowly stumbles towards it. He drops a bag next to him and crouches down to look inside the trunk. There is a bomb. Its timer reads "1:22" and counts down every second... "1:21"... "1:20"... DOUG: (Sarcastically) What have we here. You are gorgeous aren't you. I do like a big girl. You have all the bells and whistles too, someone has spoiled you. However will I compete? Doug reaches into his bag and pulls out some wire cutters. DOUG: Easy now. Don't go blowing up and breaking my heart. Hey! That can be our song. (Starts singing) Don't go breaking my heart. (Impersonating the bomb's voice) I couldn't if I tried! (Back to his singing voice) Honey, if i get restless, don't go breaking my heeeeaaaaarrt! Doug cuts one of the wires and the clock freezes. DOUG: There we go. Who needs couples counselling? Not us! We can just talk things out. We have that connection, you and I. (Whispering) We're soulmates. Doug puts the wire cutter back into his bag and stands up ready to walk off. He hears a click and quickly turns around. The timer is running down. DOUG: Oh, honey! Is this because I said you looked fat? Cut to black: Explosion. Glass shatters. Cue 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' by Elton John. THE END.

SCENE 5 EXT. STREET - DAY Wally walks on the street, carries an archive box with office items. WALLY: Nicely done, Wally. First time you tell the truth and you're fired. What are you going to do now? you'll end up working in a convenience store. Hey, that would be fun if Kwik-E-Mart existed. Nah, you'll have your Homer Simpson and you'll end up killing him and then they'll fire you. But you don't want to work in accounting anymore, right Wally? No more long nights staring at the monitor, no more boss telling you to cook the books. Wally, Wally, Wally. You should have cooked those cooked books to get some nice profit for yourself. Nobody would have noticed. Just as Wally is about to cross the street, a police car stops in front of him. The two police officers get out of the car, point their guns at him. POLICE OFFICER: Put your hands up in the air. WALLY: It wasn't me. It was Wally. It was Wally. I'll tell him to surrender. Wally drops the box, puts his hands up in the air, there's blood on them. INT. POLICE CAR - DAY The two officers in the front, Wally alone in the back handcuffed. WALLY: See? What you did was wrong, Wally. You shouldn't have killed the secretary. The boss? Yes, he had it coming. What? Why you never told me you loved her?

FEEDBACK 7 Nice scene, I liked a lot the way you used the dialogue to show how Doug is trying to relief some tension of a very difficult situation. The ending works very fine, I like how apparently he defused the bomb just to have the timer start again and blow up. Nice character work.

FEEDBACK 04 Wow haha I did not see that coming but it works so damn well! I was first wondering why this guy was talking to himself as he seemed rather normal but that twist of the Jekyll-Hyde-esque trait was really really great. Well done.

--- FEEDBACK 10 --- Very nice. I think it would be better if you didn't shift the scene to inside the police car unless there's another reason to put Wally in the car.

SCENE 4 INT. BATHROOM – DAY Dipti splashes water onto her face. She checks herself in the mirror with hunched shoulders. She fingers the dark circles under her tired eyes. She doesn't like what she sees and slaps herself in her face. DIPTI: You'd better take good care of yourself. Those dark spots are ugly and you know you're not one of the prettiest ones. Worrying has never changed anything. If you wanna win, you got to attack and not let life beat you up. Stand up straight, that's better. Breathe in, breath out. Now think clearly, what will be your plan? How are you going to stop that mother fucker from ruining your life. You'd better come up with a good plan if you want to keep this house, your warm bed and good furniture. Don't give in. They've got nothing on you. They can't prove anything. Protect yourself and your future. Lie if you have to. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU CAN DO IT. Be a warrior (slaps herself in the face). Get dressed and go. Deny and you'll be alright.

Scene 10 INT. GREAT BAGS OF GROCERIES – DAY Aisles of dry goods. It’s a grocery store. EDITH, 60, housecoat and purse the size of a diaper bag with a kindly manner that makes you want to kill her, pushes her trolley up and down the aisles. She picks up a box of dried onion powder. Edith: Oh, that’s clever. They make the powder taste like onion by adding chemicals so they don’t have to ruin perfectly good onions. She puts the box back. Moves further on. Picks up a bottle of canola oil. Edith: Canola oil. I love canolas. My friend Luciano used to bring me conolas. I liked eclairs better but those little canolas were so good. And now you drink them. My goodness. I wonder if you add it to milk. Or coffee? Maybe I should get this in case I run out of coffee mate. Edith looks quickly up and down the aisle. Only spots one other shopper. She pushes the trolley over to the woman. Edith: Are you a secret shopper? If you are, you have to tell me. It’s the law. I can’t get in trouble if you lie about it. The woman gives her a startled look and darts away. Edith opens the bottle of canola oil, rips off the seal, takes a quick gulp. Edith: That’s good. Not quite how I remembered them, but then, I never drank the canolas. She sneaks another swig.

Feedback #2 This is funny. You could stretch it a bit to get more out of Jerry working out what he wants to say in front of the mirror. He could say some goofy things, maybe we don't even know what he's going for at first. I also agree with Audrey that the last comment would have more impact if it was shorter.

Feedback #3 I enjoyed this. I could totally see the closet being emptied and the hats being tossed around. Maybe you could break the dialogue up with more of that sort of action?