Scene 1 EXT. Open field -- Night A busted up old truck. Two dark silhouettes sitting in the truck bed, legs swinging. The only light comes from -- A MATCH IS STRUCK, ILLUMINATING THE FACES OF -- Sisters FAITH (14), and AMBER (18). Amber's fingers tremble as she protects the flame against the wind with cupped hand. Faith studies her in the dim light. She's shaking like a leaf. Faith jolts as Amber breaks the silence. AMBER: So, I had a messed up dream last night. The sea was so choppy -- waves as tall as a buildings, crashing down. It's funny, because I've never ever seen the ocean in person, you know? Like, how'd my screwed up brain think of that? Amber pauses to take a long drag. She exhales the smoke away from Faith, but the wind picks up and blows in Faith's face. AMBER: Crap. Sorry. Anyway -- so I was in the middle of the ocean, right? I kept getting sucked down under the waves -- I could barely take a breath. Then, you show up. You're in a lifeboat, just -- just reaching out to me. I start to take your hand -- Faith opens her mouth to interrupt -- AMBER: Just let me finish, all right? I reach for you, but I'm too scared. I'm too damn scared to climb into the boat. So what do I do? What do I do, Faithy? I pull you in with me. And we sink into the sea together. Faith gazes out to the field, silent. She's suddenly so very cold. AMBER: That's what I do. That's what I've always done. I've always -- always dragged you down with me, haven't I? FAITH: I don't want to talk about this right now. Or ever. AMBER: I should never have left. Hell, maybe I shouldn't have come back. Whenever I'm around, I screw things up for you. I regret what I did, Faithy -- making you lie for me. You were just a kid, and I made you lie to everyone. I made you cover for me. And it's screwed up your life ever since. Faith twists to meet her sister's stare. Her shoulders slump in defeat. FAITH: I know. I have no doubt that you regret it, but that doesn't change anything. Amber flinches like she's been struck. The girls sit in silence for the rest of the night.

FEEDBACK 2 Emotion-filled scene. I wonder, if you eliminated the dialogue about the dream, could this give the scene even more emotional impact? I would've been interested in a bit more detail of the actual situation that fills Amber with regret.

SCENE 2 INT. PRISON - VISITOR'S ROOM A middle-aged WOMAN speaks into a phone headset to a scarred and tattooed young MAN with dead eyes on the other side of a Plexiglas partition. WOMAN: Bank is gonna take the house. I don't suppose you care, you won't be needing it where you're going. Looks for a reaction from the young man, there is none. WOMAN: When I was thirteen, I watched my best friend drown. Did you know that? I can still see the terrified look on her face. In bed at night, I replayed that look over and over like a favorite scene in a movie. I couldn't understand why I didn't feel anything. The young man looks bored. WOMAN: It should've been me that drowned that day. Deep down, I always knew nothing good would come from me. But I kept on living like a cockroach. Kept on living until I ruined your father's life. He was a good man even if he was a sap. The young man shifts in his chair. WOMAN: And fool that he was he couldn't see my poison. But I knew, and I went on pretending for him until I had you. I've got more regrets than you'll ever know but you know what my biggest regret is? Not bashing your head against a rock when you were born. The young man glares at her. WOMAN: I could've stopped it then, but I didn't. No, I'm as guilty as you are. I guess we'll meet up in hell where we both belong. Hangs the phone up, grabs her purse and walks out.

INT. TILE CHAMBER "36" - DAY White tile wall, ceiling with steady, dim florescence and an expectation of stainless steel tables. Foggy. DIETER (V.O.): A place of nothing, steeped in the unknown. The fog condenses on the walls. A rivulet tracks along the grout, grows in size and speed. DIETER (V.O.): And the unknown feeds the fear of old men. The stench of it heavy on... everything. The rivulet stops at a finger, part of a hand reaching up the wall, still. The liquid pools, overcomes, runs down the finger and hand. And arm. DIETER (V.O.): Their fear begets hate and the emptiness becomes an inferno. The droplet descends to the floor via the arm of the corpse. The floor thick with other bodies -- ghastly, naked, agony. Deaths of fear. DIETER (V.O.): And the inferno consumes the weak. The timid. The cowardly. The corpses lay on top of one another, haphazard, the greatest collection piled against the door, balled fists against cold steel with no handle. INT. TILE CORRIDOR “E” - DAY A wide, tunnel like passage, reminiscent of the chamber. Heavy steel doors set at 50 foot intervals on both sides, wheel locks and deadbolts. Beneath door “36” DIETER, 25 in dark grey wool military uniform, sinks to the concrete floor, his back against the door. His body shakes violently, sporadic cries escape. His hands cover his face. DIETER: What have I done? His fingers flex, claw at his face. A drop of blood trickles between his ring and little fingers, the back of his hand, soaks into the uniform cuff.

Feedback #1 I like the calm, factual delivery and the juxtaposition of guilt. You've also put me in the middle of the story with enough reference points to not be lost and more importantly, to be interested.

Feedback 1 I think you do a really good job of creating a grim atmosphere. These two characters are very calm, almost emotionless, besides anger -- and I think that works to set up the tone. I think it would be interesting to have the woman become more and more angered and frustrated by the man's silence and carelessness. What if she pounded on the glass, or screamed?

Scene 1 EXT. CAMPSITE - DAY In the middle of a white platform, HIROSHI NAGASHIMA (50s) is resting on his knees wearing an impeccably white kimono. His face is bruised and battered from a recent struggle. In front of him rests a short katana. A guard stands next to him, katana in hand, expectantly. Two men in full japanese regalia sit front of him: LORD KATSUGE (early 20s) and his master at arms SHINOBU AKAGAWA (50s). The platform is surrounded by soldiers. HIROSHI: Lord Katsuge. If you would allow me-- SHINOBU: Silence, pig! How dare you speak to-- LORD KATSUGE: Shinobu-san, please. Hiroshi Nagashima, you have been found guilty of treason. What do you have to say for yourself? HIROSHI: My Lord Katsuge. I’ve been a loyal servant of your family for more than thirty years. I fought side by side with your father in the battle for Oshima, and served in his council for many years. LORD KATSUGE: I know very well of your history. This is why your betrayal hurts me more than you can imagine. HIROSHI: Please understand. If I sided with your enemy, it was not as a betrayal, but for your sake. SHINOBU: Enough of this. You have chosen the way of the warrior so pick your short blade and get on with it. HIROSHI: My Lord Katsuge. I have amassed riches of gold and jade, but I never noticed the beautiful fragility of a cherry blossom or the soft skin of a mature peach. I have killed hundreds of men and bathed in their blood, but I never planted a seed or bore a child. I have stood in awe before the embers of a burning city, but I never enjoyed the magnificence of a simple sunset. I realised this very late in my life. I beg of you... don’t do the same. You have inherited a war from your father. Be a wiser man... and end it. A cherry in bloom. A broken ax in it’s bark. Lost eternity. LORD KATSUGE: Hiroshi-san. Your words carry great wisdom. I shall consider your plea. HIROSHI: Arigatou gozaimasu. Hiroshi makes a long reverence. He takes his short blade and looks straight ahead. Beyond Lord Katsuge, beyond the campsite, the sun sets. He smiles.

Hiroshi's last words are poetic, profound and give depth to this character. I loved this scene, because of this specific part of your dialogue! I can see a great movie in my mind...

INT. HOSPITAL – PATIENT’S ROOM - NIGHT An old woman lies in a hospital bed (87). Her eyes are closed. Tubes run from her right arm to a bottle, slowly drip feeding a clear fluid. Life sustaining machines are running. A shallow beep. Green and red lights shining into the darkened room. An old man (90s) is sitting on her bedside. He looks tenderly at her. Thick tears fill his old, glassy eyes. MAN: I was lost. I am so sorry. (crying). I found you again, when it was too late. All these years. You were the one. Deep down, we both knew it. Then suddenly, our ways parted… He holds her left hand. Bends down to kiss her tenderly. MAN: You went through that door. I still have the memories fresh in my mind and my heart burns everytime I see these images. If I had known, back then at that very moment, that… Squeezes her hand and cries. MAN: Why? Why? My love. I let you go. My mind was numb and full of pain. Time stood still. Life took you from me…we drifted apart and since then, my search for you began. You will never know. In a cruel twist of fate, Life gave me this moment with you. There is so much I wanted to tell you. A nurse comes into the door frame. NURSE: Mister. Please. You have to go. MAN: Goodbye my Love. I am sorry. So, so, sorry. Please, forgive me…

Glad you liked it. Nothing like a sword-wielding haiku-reciting samurai warrior performing harakiri to liven up the spirits. Cheers

FEEDBACK 2 The mood of the voice over pairs nicely with the scene you're trying to set. You draw in the audience well, certainly well enough to keep me on my seat edge, even for such a brief passage.

An emotive piece! I wonder though, what if you had the first V.O.s in larger chunks, left the scene description at the basics room description, then brought the reader abruptly into the horror by delaying the scenes with the bodies until right before Dieter says, "what have I done?"

FEEDBACK 5 I like this. He's a man of war but he imparts a bit of wisdom through his regrets that may stop a war. Very good. You might want to trim it a bit and focus fully on this aspect. One suggestion would be to make it a conversation between only Hiroshi and Lord Katsuge. Lord Katsuge filled with regret that it's come to this, and Hiroshi determined to make his death mean something.

FEEDBACK 6 This is very touching. One suggestion would be to begin the story with the man rushing into the room as though he's only just found her. You also might want to include specifics in the dialogue as what situation kept him from her to give it more impact. If you make it more specific to incidents, I think it may pull the reader deeper into his regret.

Thank you so much Audrey, for taking the time to read and comment this. I appreciate your words. That is exactly what I had in mind. They lost each other and he only found her at old age and she is obviously not coming back from her coma. I agree with you, that the dialogue should be more specific. I wanted to keep it mysterious, but then the situation loses depth. Thank you!!! :-) This shows, how good it is to work in collaboration and also to edit, edit, edit and edit again!

Excuse My English. And I wrote dialog not monolog. (just got that I did not got the task :( SCENE 1 ROB (37 yo) handsome white man enters his apartment with bags from grocery store. He is in a great mood. Almost singing ROB (with a smile): Honey, I am home! He sees something. Smile slowly disappeares. ROB becomes serious . In the corridor wardrobe is opened, clothes, shoes, paper on the floor. Real mess like after robbery. He hears that someone moving in an apartment. ROB: Shit He takes the first thing -Big umbrella, opens the entrance door wide. (ready to run away). Slightly opens the door to the living room and sees MARTA (his girlfriend) she packs clothes into a big BAG into the middle of the room. ROB: Jesus, you scared me to death. What are you doing? MARTA I am fucking leaving you. I’ve had enough. You son of a bitch. ROB (astonished) But darling just 30 min ago everything was fine. MARTA: Yep and now everything is not fine at all. She quickly mooves from on room to another. Gathers clothes and things. ROB: I do not understand , MARTA He does not understend, HA. Look at him. Open your computer! ROB with a bad felling comes the table and opens computer. ROB: Oh no MARTA: Aha ROB: Darling that is not what you think MARTA: Dating site , chats with prostitutes. Tens of them, making appointments, AND that is not what I think? ROB Yee that is not what you think, let me explain. MARTA: and what the most funny What date was it? Ah. Look, look! ROB watches the screen obediently. ROB 15th of May. MARTA: What date is it? Something special about that? UM? ROB: hm, Em MARTA: Or don’t recall. I’ ll tell ya, that the next day you made a proposal to me. The next fucking day when I said yes! And the next day you went to prostitutes! ROB Oh no, no, no. I never went. I just watched the site. Trust me. I do not know why I did that. Just curiosity. MARTA now you can satisfy all your freaking curiosities in all possible ways. I do not care. She takes her heavy bag and goes to the door Bob: Darling. I love you! That is a terrible mistake. Do not leave me like that. Let’s talk. Please. He tries to take her hand. MARTA: Do not touch me, PERVERT. Do not call me. I do not wanna know you! She left the apartment and slams the door. ROB stays helplessly . ROB: Or no, no, no, NOOO. He opens the door and runs away. The door closes. We just hear him behind it ROB (vo) DARLING, STOP, PLEASE, I do regret about that…

FEEDBACK 2 Hey Katie, You conjure an atmosphere almost immediately, and that made me want to read on. Interesting that Audrey suggests cutting the dream - for me that is the most successful part of the scene - the subtext and the metaphor. When Amber goes on to explain her regret - 'I should never have left' etc. - I wasn't so gripped. I wonder if you might consider ending the scene on 'I've always dragged you down with me, haven't I?' and just have Faith sit in silence, refusing to talk to her?

FEEDBACK 3 This has a great sense of pace, and you manage to make Rob a relatable, sympathetic character from the outset - nice image of him ready to defend himself with an umbrella! In fact for me the beginning works better than the rest of the scene, which is fine but a little generic possibly. I'd be interested to hear Rob's justification/explanation/regret, especially if it's not what we expect. Oh, and your English is pretty good!

Thank you Katy for your feedback

SCENE 2 MARTHA and JACK, both mid 50s, lie in bed, post-coital. JACK, overweight, sweaty and breathless, is pleased with his efforts; MARTHA stares up at the ceiling. JACK: Okay? MARTHA doesn’t respond. JACK: Sorry to be so… brief. MARTHA: (automatic) Doesn’t matter. JACK: Maybe we’ll try again later, since it’s the weekend. You done? MARTHA hands him her used tissues which he adds to his own. JACK: Coffee? MARTHA: Please. JACK gets out of bed and heads for the door. He takes MARTHA’s robe from the door and puts it on, striking a pose for her benefit. She’s not looking. JACK coughs to get her attention and she smiles weakly. JACK: Where have you gone? MARTHA: Sorry. Random. I was thinking about my old violin teacher. JACK: Whatever floats your boat. He goes to the kitchen. MARTHA talks to the open door. MARTHA: I was seventeen. Hated the violin, but I wasn’t allowed to give it up. Good for my college application, they said. No matter that I was useless at it. I used to skip lessons, go up to the top of the sports field and smoke instead. Mr Taylor never noticed, always marked me down as ‘satisfactory’. Then he left and Miss Pritchard came. Called my parents when I didn’t turn up, then came to class to collect me the following week. The thing was she really cared. I was supposed to be learning this piece - I don’t even remember what it was, Vivaldi or Brahms or one of those - and it was terrible. That’s why I wanted to give up, because even I could tell what an awful sound I made, but she wouldn’t let me. I was her mission, or something. She would wait patiently while I picked my way through the notes - god, it was torture - and point out where I’d gone wrong with the fingering, or the tuning, where I’d done an up bow instead of a down bow. Week after week. I was supposed to play the piece in the school concert, but I chickened out, pretended I was sick. The next week I left my violin at home on purpose so I couldn’t go to my lesson, but Miss Pritchard came to get me. She knew what I’d done, but she wasn’t angry. She said it was a shame I’d allowed fear to stop me from trying. Said she wished I’d given in to the music, let it help me. And then she played it. The piece. I do remember, it was Bach. She closed her eyes and she sort of swayed with the music. At first I was embarrassed, and I just stood there willing her to finish. But she kept on going, and this music kept on coming - like it was coming from her body. And she looked so beautiful, so… utterly… At the end there was this enormous stillness, and then she opened her eyes and she looked at me and there was this moment, this tiny moment, when I almost, when I could have…. JACK comes in with the coffee. JACK: What’s that? MARTHA closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, then opens them again. MARTHA: Nothing. Doesn’t matter.

SCENE 1 INT. HOSPITAL RECOVERY ROOM - EVENING Besides the clinical whirr of equipment and machinery, the room is quiet. Propped up in the hospital bed lies LOGAN - Late 30s. Exhausted. Morose. Maybe a little angry. His attention directed pointedly to the wall. He is doing his very best to ignore the presence of… His brother, ADAM. 60s. Sitting at the bedside. Silver haired and grim. He goes out of his way to keep his gaze on the floor. ADAM I know I am not who you want to see right now. But I won’t be here long. Logan doesn’t stir, other than to clench his jaw, and swallow spit. ADAM I can never understand the feeling that drove you to this, but I do understand that I could have saved you years ago. And I didn’t. Logan exhales. Turns his head away a little more. Squeezes his eyes shut - he doesn’t want to remember. ADAM I was… selfish. I wish I could say that I was stupid. But I wasn’t. I knew what I was doing - I knew what was happening to you, and I knew I could stop it. So… (he nods, nose turned up at himself) I was selfish. Back then, I loved our family’s reputation more than I loved you. Logan shifts around a little, letting out a shaky breath. He still won’t look at his brother. ADAM You paid the price for that. So if this -- if what you’ve done here is your way of punishing me- Logan takes in a sharp breath at that, turning just enough to glance at Adam - eyes like daggers. ADAM (backing off) Okay. You’re right. This isn’t about me. It’s about you. And your pain. Logan looks away again, biting his lip. He struggles to hold himself together. ADAM I just mean to say that I know I was selfish. And maybe I was afraid - there are no excuses beyond that. And I regret that all I can do now is be thankful for this opportunity to tell you that I am sorry I failed you. Tears in Logan’s eyes overflow. There is a silent moment - neither brother will look at the other. Adam looks for a moment as if he might reach out to touch Logan’s hand. But instead, he takes his leave in silence.

Feedback 1 I think you do a great job establishing how detached from the present Martha is - the juxtaposition of her preoccupied listlessness, with Jack's oblivious post-coital enthusiasm is really effective. Martha's monologue seems a little too... involved??? for my taste, though. I feel as though you could get more "life" out of it if it were trimmed down a bit, but not so much that it would lose the stream-of-consciousness feel. Just enough that the reader/viewer wouldn't lose the context, which is what I found happening to me as I read it. Otherwise, I think the scene is set up very nicely, and accomplishes a generally well-executed goal.

FEEDBACK TWO There is a lot going on between these two people and you captured that well. "He was a good man even if he was a sap. Kept on living until I ruined your father’s life. And fool that he was he couldn’t see my poison" I wonder what happened and why she poisoned her husband although she admits he was a good man. I feel like the sentence about the poison is only there to inform us. I sense the young man must know this yet he remains silent. There is a lot going on and I want to know more.

INT. PRISON – DAY WOMAN, 30 years old leans against the wall and talks to an inmate. I hated it when he knowingly crushed my dignity in front of all the customers in the shop. I begged him and he laughed in my face. I had my small boy with me. The look in his eyes told me he was afraid. He grabbed my hand and squeezed in it as if he knew I needed someone to back me up. The people – they didn't care, they just stood there and laughed. I didn't ask anything for free. I only wanted to have some bread and butter for my kids, they were starving. I've searched my ass off for a job but I couldn't find anything. I couldn't find a fucking job. I was willing to do anything. How am I supposed to feed five children and have no money? He just laughed and grinned while my boy's belly was hurting. I asked him to put it on an account. I would pay him back. He couldn't care less. My boy tugged my shirt and asked if I was getting what I came for. You should have seen his eyes, he knew I didn't. That's when I decided I would do ANYTHING to feed my boys. On my way home, a dope man whistled at me and I grabbed my chance. I started working for him. They took my boys from me. But what was I supposed to do? Let my children die from hunger? I regret I wasn't careful enough and got caught.

Feedback 2 Hi there, 14Shari! I'm left with a lot of questions - this woman who is speaking... is she another inmate? I know we are inside a prison, but are they in a cell? In the cafeteria? Is this woman just visiting another prisoner? Without that information I personally find it a little difficult to feel the right sort of atmosphere. Her words seem a bit cumbersome and there are a few grammatical inconsistencies that gave me some pause - but perhaps that's part of who this character is? If that is the case, then I think the incorporation of errors into her speech could be a bit more artfully executed. As it is now, they just read as mistakes to me. I do get a nice sense of shame and urgency and desperation from her - I can feel that she was really pressed up against a wall, and that working for the dope man unfortunately wasn't as hard of a decision as we might like to think. It seems like you have an excellent grasp of who this character is, and I think you are expressing that very well through her diction and syntax. That last line doesn't quite seem to match the tone, though? To me it comes off as a little more composed, and even ~academic~ in comparison to the rest. It seems like what a high schooler might conclude their writing assignment with when asked to write about something they regret.

SCENE 1 INT. WEDDING RECEPTION – EVENING A glitzy wedding reception is under way. The newlyweds whisper frantically. SARAH: You told him what to say right? To keep it short and sweet? TAYLOR nods and shrugs. HARRY, a weathered middle-aged man, steps forward and takes the mic. Harry’s a fish out of water and everyone knows it. HARRY: I’m not good in front of crowds and Sarah’s dad is a tough act to follow, you know? The crowd laughs nervously – they want this to go well. HARRY: I told Taylor that’s what being locked up will do. I eat everything with peanut butter now and now I freak out in crowds like everyone’s got it out for me. But I said to myself, Harry, you gotta be there for the big day. You gotta give your speech. You gotta be a good dad, for once, and do your part. Harry bobs with nervous energy. He fishes a crumpled paper from his jacket pocket. Sarah scans the room and elbows Taylor hard in the ribs. HARRY: Taylor, I’m proud of you. You’re a real man now. Sarah, you’re truly smart, really hot. Beautiful, that is. And, I want to celebrate this special day. The Bible says weddings are very important. Because love is, the Bible, says very important. Taylor, you are very important, you uh – Taylor puts on his best fake smile and approaches Harry. Harry: I got this, son. There’s a slight commotion in the rear. One of Taylor’s college buddies stands, emboldened with liquid courage. COLLEGE BRO: Wrap it up, Mr. Paul! Harry stares him down like a lion eyeing prey. Harry: I’m sorry, everyone. Harry stuffs his paper back in his pocket. Then, he begins to undo his tie. Nervous murmurs ripple across the room. Harry: I’ll wrap it up. After I come clean. I’m the bad guy, pretty much a deadbeat dad. I can’t get a damn time machine and fix that. Taylor, if I could, I’d give anything to fix that. I’d do another ten years if it meant I could go back and start things right with you. You don’t even know me hardly. I thought being here for the wedding could fix that. That’s a pipe dream, huh? I don’t belong here. I ain’t been a dad to you. It don’t mean shit because it’s just words, but I’m sorry. I am. Sarah glares at Harry. Taylor stares at the ceiling. HARRY: Sarah, you’re gettin a good man. Not because he learned from what I did. But because he’s the opposite of what I been. Taylor, you're a fucking angel if you can find a way to forgive me. If you can’t, I don’t blame you. You let me come to your wedding. Getting the invite in the mail was like Christmas to me. I can’t ask for much more than that. Thank you. Harry raises his hand in the air. Harry: So, toast to my son, Taylor and, his lovely wife, Sarah. Live long and may your days be very merry.

Feedback 3 Hi brahmscounterpoint! Impressive. I love the way that you have left so many questions unanswered! Your imagery is strong. I can see these two, feel their tension, frustration and history. You have me wanting to know more. Now, question. There are a lot of "I" statements. Not that they are bad, but was it your intention or did it just happen? If it was your first pass I understand and ask how can you change it? If it was on purpose, Why? I'm asking because on second and third readings I wondered about it.

Ooh - thanks for your feedback! :) I'm glad you pointed out the "I" statements, because I definitely did not realize them at first! Which is a shame, because I KNOW it's a habit I tend to have, and it's something I would do well to be a bit more conservative/selective with. And like you said - it's not that they're "bad," but they definitely do stick out more than I'd like. Usually my remedy is either to do some deft rephrasing, or to flesh it out with more substance in between so the "I" statements don't come in such close succession. Thanks again!

No problem, "I" get it. Great to be able to read other's first kick at an idea. Very inspiring to see such strong work.

Feedback 10. Really deep and nice MARTHA's monolog. although I am as a reader would love to know what happened next. Than from my point of view her coldness in bed, has weak connection to the regret od the early ears. Might by the true but me as a reader see that as 2 separate parts.

SCENE 2 Carlos looks up. CARLOS: Oh sorry, the auditions are over. Presto hangs his head and turns to leave. Suddenly stops. PRESTO: No you know what? I don't accept your answer. All my life I believed I was destined to become a magician because I thought my dad was one. And then yesterday I found out that all of that was a lie. But I think sometimes life makes you take it in the ass so you can say NO! I do not like dicks up there! Because isn’t that kind of the greatest gift of all? To know what you want from life? So what I’m not the son of a famous magician? So what I based my whole life on a lie? Maybe those shitty things had to happen to put me here on this stage, to get me to audition for you and change my life. There’s this poster on my wall, a Roald Dahl quote that’s covered in raccoon brains, but I know it by heart anyway. It says “Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” And I always used to think it was just some silly quote about how magic can only be seen if you’re able to imagine it, like the bells from the Polar Express, but I realized today, that what it actually means is, the magic is in you and me, and if we don’t believe in ourselves, in our dreams, then we might as well have never dreamed or lived at all. So I’d like to audition for you and if I don’t have what it takes, then you can send me on my way. But I’m not leaving here today without knowing that I at least believed in myself enough to try. Carlos claps. CARLOS: That was a real good speech man. But I'm just the janitor.

SCENE 1 A court. LAWRENCE on the witness stand. LAWRENCE Regrets? Yes, I regret a lot of things. I should have used gloves so you wouldn't have my fingerprints. I should have bought the gun in one of those gun fairs where they don't ask for your ID. I should have been more careful when I broke the glass to break in, so I wouldn't left some blood and you could do that DNA thing. I should have planned a stronger alibi. I shouldn't have talked with the cops until I had a lawyer. Those are the things I've learned during these months I've been locked waiting for the trial. You learn a lot of things in jail. But the thing I regret the most is that i waited so long to kill that son of a bitch. I was twelve when he abused me. I'm thirty. If I had killed him sooner I could have spared so much suffering and pain.

FEEDBACK 1 Hi. Very nice scene, I really liked the way you handled the setup, you know there's something about Harry but the truth is revealed until his speech. His speech is quite moving and very good dialogue. The part where he talks about the Bible avoids creating a one-dimensional character. The only part that I feel a little off is the college bro. I think it would be much stronger if Taylor or some close family member would be the one to tell Harry to wrap it up.

FEEDBACK 2 Hi. Nice punchline that Carlos is the janitor. I liked his monologue, how Presto uses his past to get courage and face the future - even if he's it ends up being useless (at least for now). I really wanted to know more about the characters, why he was led to believe he was the son of a famous magician? There's an interesting story there worthy of a short film.

Thanks for the feedback! That's a good point about the wrap it up line...thanks for the input.

FEEDBACK 10 Like the reveal-punchline a lot. Also really enjoyed the sort of frenetic nature of Presto's speech...good writing that captures the wild, raw emotion and courage he had to muster up to go for it. (Ex. the ass / life line, polar express and Dahl reference...all convey a sense of passionate off the cuff reacting)

FEEDBACK 2 Seems like his only other regret is that he didn't plan his crime very well aside from waiting so long to kill the "son of a bitch". I wonder if his "confession" could be made stronger if Lawrence gave more details about his pain and suffering instead of the how's of committing the crime. Overall, I liked it. I wanted to know more about Lawrence and why he felt he was put in that situation to commit the crime 18 years later.

SCENE TWO INT. BUNKER - NIGHT The flashes of light and sounds of explosions from varying distances are heard. Around the bunker are eight adults ranging from 18 to 68 both male and female. Each person is out of breath, tired, bloodied and dirty. COLE MALCORY sits in the corner by himself. MAN ONE: This isn't right. We shouldn't be in here hiding. We need to be back out there fighting. We have Cole Malcory, the-- COLE: Savior of Roatania... the one who defended the Firefold Outpost single-handedly... the one who brought down Silver Trench Industries. I'm not that man. That man was a fiction. You were sold a story, and I... I guess I believed it too. I didn't save anyone. I was trapped in a lifeboat drifting through space before I was found by a crew from Dynamic Industries. There was no attack on Firefold Outpost, the footage was faked and Silver Trench had long abandoned its stake on the planet because it was on the verge of bankruptcy. I never expected them to carry it this far. They told me it was to get more colonists to settle the planets, not to use you as fodder for their wars. For that, I'm sorry we're going to die for nothing.