SCENE 07 EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY A narrow street with old well off apartment houses, just one side of the street corner is in view. Every inch for parking is full. On the pedestrian path the meter maid CAROLINE (36), pretty face but with a hard look, hands the ticket for parking violation to MAN WITH HAT (61). CAROLINE: The fine don‘t mind, if it was 5 minutes or 10. MAN WITH HAT (angry): I made your day, didn‘t I? He pulls the ticket out of her hands and goes over to the driver‘s door of his car. MAN WITH HAT (arrogant): You look like you don‘t have much joy beyond that. Caroline opens her mouth a bit, while thinking about answering, but decides to save the effort. She has finished this side of the street, therefore she turns around and goes around the corner. Her first look is a S-Mercedes parked completely on the pedestrian path. She takes her writing pad with the tickets and starts to fill it out. Quick steps come out of the house besides her. MAN‘S VOICE: I‘m so sorry. Caroline don‘t look up her writing pad. CAROLINE: Too late to be sorry. MAN‘S VOICE: It was just for 5 Minutes. CAROLINE: But the fine don‘t mind. MAN‘S VOICE: That‘s okay. Caroline looks up, the MAN (42) is handsome and polite. Her expression softens a bit. MAN: I just want to apologize. Normally I don‘t do such things. Her face goes hard again. CAROLINE (acid): And now I should make an exception for a really good man? She continues writing the ticket. MAN: No! You shouldn‘t make an exception. CAROLINE: I‘ve heard every excuse, really. And every insult, insults concerning the government, insults concerning myself, my sexual frustration, my hair, my ass... MAN (interrupting): There is nothing to say against neither yourself nor your backside nor your hair. Everything very pretty... CAROLINE: And now comes the flirting part! Caroline pulls the ticket down the pad. He grabs the ticket out of her hand, takes a look at the fine (75 $). He opens his wallet while Caroline takes her smart phone. CAROLINE: Get out of the way. I have to take a photograph without you. MAN (laughing): Why a photograph? CAROLINE: As a proof. MAN: You don‘t need a proof. She tries to find a angle for the photograph without the man, but the pedestrian path is too narrow and the man is still in sight trying to say sorry. MAN: I confess. It was wrong, I know. I‘ll pay immediately. CAROLINE (softer): I don‘t take any money. You have to transfer it. MAN: Okay. Thanks. Have a nice day. He goes to the driver‘s door, opens it and turn around again. MAN: I was honest with the pretty part. Bye. Caroline opens her mouth a bit. CAROLINE (loud): Would you join me for lunch break?

Scene 10 EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY – DAY PATRICK ERIKSSON (30s) is driving down a lonely highway in the desert on a dark blue sedan. His coat rests on the passenger seat; his silk tie loosely around his neck, the top of his shirt unbuttoned. In the back seat a large metallic briefcase gleams under the sun. Patrick looks on his rear-view mirror and notices in the distance a state police patrol car, getting closer. In an almost pavlovian reaction, Patrick seats up and puts on his seatbelt. The police car gets close to Patrick's car and stays there for a while. PATRICK: I'm not speeding. Move on! The lights on top of the patrol car light up. PATRICK: Shit! Patrick pulls over. In a continuous shot we exit Patrick's car from the passenger side and move over and across to the police car. Inside, OFFICER SIMMONS (40s) is tapping away on his onboard computer. He takes his hat from the passenger's side, puts it on and exits the car. We accompany Officer Simmons as he slowly approaches Patrick. OFFICER SIMMONS: Licence and registration, please. PATRICK: I wasn't speeding, was I, officer? OFFICER SIMMONS: Licence and registration. PATRICK: Not the one for small talk, eh? Patrick leans over to open the glove compartment. The shot moves in front of the Patrick's car and re-enters. We focus on the inside of the glove compartment where we see a LARGE 45 AUTOMATIC GUN. Patrick's hand fumbles inside looking for the papers when he feels the gun. His hand freezes. The shot moves to Patrick's surprised and shocked face. A low acute sound begins to seep in the background. Almost unnoticeable at first but steadily rising. OFFICER SIMMONS: Everything alright, sir? PATRICK: Yes... yes. It's just that this is a rental. I... I... OFFICER SIMMONS: Have you tried in that little velvety box between the seats? Patrick slowly closes the glove compartment. He opens the storage compartment between the seats. Papers. Lot's of them. Patrick selects the right one and hands it over to the policeman. OFFICER SIMMONS: Hmmm.... You've got a broken tail-light mister... He checks the licence. OFFICER SIMMONS: Eriksson. Unfortunately, I'll have to write you a ticket. The buzzing sound is now louder. Patrick tilts his head to the side and closes his eyes briefly. PAIN. PATRICK: No... problem. The pain swoops over Patrick filling his head. The buzzing is louder yet. It begins to mute the dialogue. He closes his eyes tightly. PATRICK: Go... go ahead. OFFICER SIMMONS: Are you feeling alright, sir? PATRICK: I'm fine. Just a bit of a headache. OFFICER SIMMONS: I think you should... A white blinding light fills everything. WHITE. We hear nothing but a LOUD BUZZING SOUND. EXT. DESERT PLAIN – DAY Silence. The sun, shining bright. Not a cloud in the distance. We pan down to see Patrick standing in the middle of a desert plain. Not a living soul in sight. His face shows bruises. His shirt is dusty, torn and stained with blood. Not Patrick's blood. Patrick tries to adjust to the light and his surroundings. He looks at his hand and sees he is holding the 45 from the glove compartment. He looks down and finds Officer Simmons. What's left of him. PATRICK: What the... No. This is not... He drops the gun to the ground. It falls next to the mass of brains, bones and flesh that used to be Officer Simmons' head. A 45 at close range can do that. PATRICK: Oh! Dear God. Patrick covers his eyes with his palms and turns around. He dares take another glance at the body. He notices his tie around the hands of the police officer in a tight knot. The metallic briefcase shines under the sun a couple of meters away. Patrick kneels beside it. And opens it.

Scene 10 INT/EXT. CAR - DAY - TRAVELING Hands clamped on the wheel. Eyes that dart from road to rearview mirror and back. Chewing on her lip. AILEEN (30s). EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Tree bordering, straight line. The car travels alone. INT. CAR - DAY - TRAVELING Ahead, a gentle slope. Aileen looks at the speedometer. Keeps the needle at 55mph. The car keeps a steady pace uphill. Downhill. Going down, Aileen puts foot to the breaks, keeping speed under 55 mph. Runs a hand through already messed up hair, leaves it worse. SIREN wails. REARVIEW MIRROR: A motorcycle, FLASHING lights - a POLICEMAN with dark glasses. Aileen's fingers clench until the knuckles go white. The foot on the accelerator pedal hesitates... Then she presses the breaks. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY Aileen's car comes to a stop on the side of the road. The motorcycle stops behind it. The policeman dismounts. Marches to the car. The window goes down. POLICEMAN 'Morning, Miz. May I see your documents, please? AILEEN Sure, officer. What's the problem? POLICEMAN I'm afraid I'll have to write you a ticket for speeding. AILEEN Speeding? Never! POLICEMAN You may have missed the traffic sign. Forty miles per hour on the bump. AILEEN What? That slope? But--but--this is a speed trap, that's what it is. POLICEMAN And I shall have to ask you to step outside. AILEEN What for? POLICEMAN Test your sobriety. Just routine. AILEEN I'm-- A deep breath. The door opens. Aileen emerges with her purse, extends documents to the policeman, who takes them. One eye on the documents, another scanning the car, he walks around it. Stops looking at the trunk. POLICEMAN I noticed before, your trunk seems like it isn't well closed. I'd better check. AILEEN Without a warrant? POLICEMAN Now, you wouldn't want to make me suspicious, would you? AILEEN Oh, no. Go ahead. With a little smile, the policeman opens the trunk. Freezes. Eyes go wide. Hand goes to holster, he turns to face... The mouth of Aileen's pistol, a tongue of fire, BANG, a cloud of smoke. He falls down. Aileen contemplates his body. Turns her eyes to the car: There's a dead body inside the trunk.

Feedback 08 Hi, Katha Hmm... Perhaps I should leave my car in forbidden spots so I can get this kind of tickets... I can see conflict here, sure, but even for a romcom, would a woman invite a man to lunch in these circumstances? We all push a bit the envelope of coincidence around here, but this is perhaps a bit too much? I feel the conversation needs to run deeper before I buy this conclusion.

Feedback 11 Hi RoyGordon, Meeting the police with a body in the trunk is a classic. Would the audience already know, that the body is in the trunk? Or would you play with the surprise? For the 2nd option I got the idea too easily (I suppose it‘s Aileen checking the speed much too eagerly). Therefore it would be good (as well for the 1st option) too give more work in the dialogue. Aileen could either try several strategies (e.g. flirting) or there could be more conflict between the both. Another twist: Telling that the officer is a really kind man, with kids or joking around. That would make it more complicate for Aileen to kill him and plays for an inner conflict. Or you could play with the end, that it‘s NOT a body (and nor a bomb) but something more uncommon within movies or more shocking (a trapped naked guy whose eyes gets even more filled with fear, when she kills the police officer). I got the feeling that the exposition for the scene and going her uphill and downhill would take some time though it‘s not long text (thinking about stopping the time). Bests, Katha

Thanks! yeah, there should be more subtext concerning the romcom-part. Or it's a problem with the stand-alone of the scene, because she should be really frustrated. It came out of 3rd rewrite. First, I just wanted to have a meter maid, which gets angry, because of the delinquent is so kind and polite. And fanfares - Caroline liked him a lot. But the screwball-writing definitely needs more drafts...

Hi, Katha Unless it was the opening scene, I'd definitively would have the audience know, to up the stakes and increase the suspense. And I would have a longer scene--you're right in all your comments--but this scene is already two pages long, the limit for these exercises. A still alive body instead of a dead one is a great idea, suspense three-way, kudos for that. And thanks for all.

Probably a bit of the two... lack of space to develop their conversation and lack of background for Caroline to make us believe she'd do something this rash in these circumstances. You'll fix it in 4th draft (and now you make me feel guilty that I put up 1st drafts). Cheers

Scene 5 INT/EXT. STATE PATROL CAR 88 - NIGHT Two OFFICERS sit in their patrol car on the side of a quiet interstate 75. Officer Douglas (20’s) freshly pressed and clean cut, sits and scans the passing by traffic with his radar gun. Officer Morris (50’s) thick mustache with a lit cigarette dangling from his bottom lip is reclined in his seat reading Bass Masters magazine. OFFICER DOUGLAS: 73. Should we take em? Officer Morris strokes his mustache. OFFICER MORRIS: Look. You need to decided who you are and how you’re going to patrol. Are you the type to take on the bad guys in their compensation mobiles. Or are you the freak in a cape and tights running down every soccer mom doing five over? Just then a minivan with a missing headlight blows past them. The radar gun blinks 88. OFFICER DOUGLAS: Do we- OFFICER MORRIS: Light em up Boy Wonder let’s go! The tires SQUEAL. A bit of smoke flies and the car is barreling down the highway. Officer Douglas flips a switch and the infamous red and blues light up. He tries to hold back his excitement but a small grin creeps across his face. The speedometer barely reaches 100 when the van pulls over onto the shoulder. OFFICER MORRIS (CONT’D): Nice and easy Rook, just like on TV. Officer Douglas hops out of the car and approaches the van. He has one hand on his holster and the other holding his flashlight. He reaches the van and the windows are already down. He shines the bright light in on the driver. OFFICER DOUGLAS: License and registration please. The Driver, WILLIE DOUGLAS (40’s) is sweating profusely. He holds his hand up to block the bright light. WILLIE: Just a moment officer. Willie shuffles around papers and trash inside of the glove and center console. It’s the dirties van ever. OFFICER DOUGLAS: Do you know how fast you were going sir? WILLIE: Not fast enough, huh? Willie laughs an annoyingly distinct cackle. Officer Douglas lowers the flashlight. OFFICER DOUGLAS: Uncle Willie? WILLIE: Oh Shit Boy, I thought I was going back to jail. You almost gave ya old Uncle a heat attack. OFFICER DOUGLAS(firm): Who’s van is this? WILLIE: Huh? Oh this uhhh. This is my ride. Officer Douglas Shines a light through the back windows. It’s even dirtier than the front. Empty juice boxes and broken toys everywhere. OFFICER DOUGLAS: Since when did you have kids? Silence. Officer Douglas unsnaps his gun holster. Willie throws the car in gear and mashes the gas. In one motion Officer Douglas whips out his pistol. He fires three SHOTS. The Windows BURST and the Van crawls slowly in a ditch on the side of the road.

FEEDBACK 8 Verdell I gotta say, this is a very good scene. The more I read it the more I can picture everything in my mind. It's very neat, good dialogues (loved the Boy Wonder reference just after the previous exposition from Officer Morris), strong visuals. Couple of typos here and there, but these happen (and I hate nitpicking). My only wish is that you would have spent maybe a couple of words describing Willie other than his profusion to sweat. Is he rough looking or clean cut? Tattoo enthusiast or my-body-is-a-temple kinda guy? We know from the dialogue that he is an ex-con (and possibly a pedophile), but it would improve the impact of Willie being Douglas' uncle if you could describe him as looking like an ex-con. I thought of commenting on the flaws in police procedure of Officer Douglas shooting at an unarmed suspect, but this could well be the main driver of the story you are proposing. (Did anything happen between Douglas and his Uncle in the past to cause such a reaction?) It captivated my attention and triggered my imagination, and that is what this is all about. Still, Douglas turned out to be very trigger happy for a rookie. Well done. RB

FEEDBACK 8 Verdell I gotta say, this is a very good scene. The more I read it the more I can picture everything in my mind. It’s very neat, good dialogues (loved the Boy Wonder reference just after the previous exposition from Officer Morris), strong visuals. Couple of typos here and there, but these happen (and I hate nitpicking). My only wish is that you would have spent maybe a couple of words describing Willie other than his profusion to sweat. Is he rough looking or clean cut? Tattoo enthusiast or my-body-is-a-temple kinda guy? We know from the dialogue that he is an ex-con (and possibly a pedophile), but it would improve the impact of Willie being Douglas’ uncle if you could describe him as looking like an ex-con. I thought of commenting on the flaws in police procedure of Officer Douglas shooting at an unarmed suspect, but this could well be the main driver of the story you are proposing. (Did anything happen between Douglas and his Uncle in the past to cause such a reaction?) It captivated my attention and triggered my imagination, and that is what this is all about. Still, Douglas turned out to be very trigger happy for a rookie. Well done. RB

Scene #7 EXT. HIGHWAY 30 IN RURAL NEBRASKA – DAY This is the middle of nowhere. Vast fields of corn sway on either side of the road. A roar. A flash of red. The rear end of a late model racer red Mustang disappears into the distance. Not far behind, a cop car. Lights on full. Siren wailing. He can barely keep up. The cop car comes around a curve and finds the Mustang stopped by the side of the road. Brakes squeal. BARRY (40s) has been a cop for a while. He is serious. And he is built like a brick shit house. He slowly steps out of the car with his gun raised in both hands. BARRY: (shouting) Put your hands out the window where I can see them. An unexpected hand emerges. It clearly belongs to an old white woman, sporting an impressive diamond ring and clothed in the sleeve of a sky blur sweater set. Barry’s partner, JUDY (late 20s), is now out of the cop car as well, gun drawn. She is new at this. Her eyes dart around, trying to look everywhere at once. BARRY (CONT’D): Okay, ma’am. I am going to approach the car. Please do not make any sudden moves. Barry moves around to the side of the car, keeping his weapon pointed calmly at the open car window. When he can finally see who it is, he drops the weapon to his side and exhales with a mixture of relief and irritation. MAUDE (70’s) has cropped short silver hair and a twinkle in her blue eyes. She smiles knowingly at Barry. BARRY (CONT’D): Mama? Where on earth did you get this car? MAUDE: Bartholomew! I wondered if it was you. BARRY: Mama! Don’t call me that. Where did you get this car? JUDY: This is your mama? Judy lowers her weapon too. MAUDE: I borrowed it. BARRY: Borrowed it, huh. It looks a lot like the car Clem bought for his son few weeks ago. MAUDE: I can’t help it if that stupid kid is too lazy to take his keys when he goes into Grover’s for a six pack. Barry just shakes his head. BARRY: Mama. I’m giving you a ticket this time. No more warnings. He pulls his ticket pad out of his back pocket. MAUDE: Bartholomew! I mean Barry! You can’t write your mama a ticket. I gave birth to you. Sixty four painful hours of labor. Judy is laughing. BARRY: Oh yes I can.

Feedback #10 Hi Verdell -- I really like this scene. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Nicely structured. I also think the pacing is right on for what it is. And it left me curious about what is going on here. Very good work! Thanks! Susan W.

FEEDBACK 14 Hi Susan W., really nice setting (place and characters) and great tension about who is driving. It‘s a very good scene, I hope it‘s okay, if I still search for improvement? Barry is quite „anti“ from the beginning. Perhaps it would be nice (also for comedy) if there is an arc / development / changing in his reactions. You also could use your 3rd character Judy more. Perhaps she tries to assist Maude („She‘s your mom, perhaps we should let her go this time ... ) or Barry tries to show her how to treat delinquents and takes Maude as his example though or because of she is his mother. The information that‘s not the first time Barry caught Maude is quite explicit. Perhaps you could give it more on the way. How old is Clem‘s son? There could be also a reaction on the fact, that Maude wants to buy alcohol for someone‘s son. After Maud‘s punchline with 1,5 days of labour, the last sentence is quite weak. Some fast ideas: Perhaps he seems to give in and says: „But Officer Lawrence can.“ Or he tries to stop her telling more embarrassing stuff. Or you cut and jump to Maude sitting at the back of the police car. Bests, Katha

You're welcome ;) perhaps an idea to increase the suspense: You could give Aileen props which always give the audience the feeling: "no, she couldn't be a murderer", and work with the assumption of having a crime here and the facts speaking against it. e.g. (quite explicitly) a sticker on her car: "I break for animals!" (are there some in the US?) or she is sneezing and cleans her nose very picky, You could also put it within the dialogue "Speeding? I would never endanger anybody!"

Thanks, Katha! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and think about my scene. I'm glad you like it, and am always glad to get suggestions on how to improve! Have a great evening, Susan W.