SCENE 1: A scene at a sporting event. INT. ARENA - NIGHT LANGSTON SPRINGS, 30, guard for the Dallas Mavericks, has just received a pass while STREAKING down the court. He dribbles the ball down the lane, blowing past two defenders. As he approaches the rim a third defender steps in front of him to block his path. Langston lays it up and the ball gently falls in off the backboard. The crowd GROANS. Just as the ball hits the floor there is a late whistle. THEO LAW, 32, takes three steps forward, WIGGLES his hips, and pelvic THRUSTS twice as he calls for the charge. The crowd goes CRAZY! Instead of showing the play on the big screen, the arena shows a replay of Theo making the call in slow motion. ANNOUNCER 1 (VO) : And there it is, what everyone has been waiting on. Springs has been apprehended by The Law! From the broadcast table, Announcer 2, stands up and mimics throwing a lasso around a player. ANNOUNCER 2: That's right! We all know, there's no getting away from the Law and the fans love it! Langston SCOWLS at Theo while watching him run down to the other end of the floor waving his index finger back in forth, a la Dikembe Mutombo, as the crowd cheers. ANNOUNCER 1: The Rockets in bound the ball to Battle and the Mavs pick him up full court... Big screen from Lawson in the back court... Battle down the lane and a thunderous slam dunk brings the house down! The crowd loves it, but then the whistle blows. Theo BOLTS into the middle of the court SKIPPING while on his TIPPY TOES. After some OVER THE TOP choreography he finally signals a traveling call. THEO:Too many steps! I got too many steps on one, three. Traveling. White ball! The home crowd begins cheering again in spite of the call being against their team. A giant, animated graphic FLASHES on the Jumbotron that reads, 'THE LAW!!!'. As Battle jogs back on defense, Langston approaches. LANGSTON: Are your fans actually cheering for a call against you? Both players contemplate this momentarily and then look away in disgust. ANNOUNCER 2: Home or away doesn't apply to Theo Law. He is a FACTOR in every arena! Theo salutes the crowd on the way to the other end of the court and they eat it up.

DAY 17 SCENE CHALLENGE-SPORTS EVENT (My #8) EXT. NEAR BASEBALL FIELD - ANYTOWN - NIGHT The scoreboard shows the Townies lost to the visiting team. Fans egress, including ROB, JOSH, ANDY, and BEN, all late teens. ROB: I’ll catch up with you guys later. They push their way through the crowd. Rob waits for HANNA (18), behind them. ROB (CONT’D): How did you like the game? HANNA: I wish they won. Otherwise, good. ROB: Can I walk you home? HANNA: Ah, sure. If it’s on your way. They walk. HANNA (cont'd): I haven't seen you at any of our games before. ROB: It’s my first one, but I really liked it once I figured out the rules. HANNA: The rules? Where are you from where they don’t play baseball? ROB: I’m not from around here, so I didn’t grow up knowing the game. HANNA: That sounds almost un-American. ROB: Is that bad? Hanna withholds a giggle. HANNA: What sports do you like? ROB: Me? Well, fishing. I really want to go fishing. The two continue walking. ROB (CONT'D): Do you want to go fishing with me tomorrow? Hanna turns her nose up. HANNA: Me? Fishing? Behind them, Ben VA-ROOMS off on his highfalutin motorcycle, with custom lights and lots of chrome, with a teenaged towhead sitting behind him, hanging on for dear life. ROB (smiles): You'd enjoy it. No rules. Fast-paced if they're biting. C'mon...

SCENE2-INT. - BOXING GYM- AFTERNOON Heavy weight boxer practises with Coach MIKE ZELON (Late 40’s) African American, heavy weight. Coach releases a series of Jab and hooks, while the boxer defends Few guys pack things up while other lie around GLEN (Late 30’s) full Black tracksuit, baseball cap reads something from his pad Door opens, An Arab, early twenties, skinny, bruised face, blood dripping, MOHD. ZAHID enters, paces towards the ring Glen Cuts him Glen: Your business? Zahid: want to have a word with the coach Glen: Coach is busy, tomorrow morning Zahid steps back and goes towards the room but suddenly turns and races past Glen. Glen catches him and pins down , Coach stops the practise Mike: Glen, what we got? Glen : Fiery Pussy Mike: Hold it dog, I am comin Mike steps out, Zahid pulled up, his arms twisted, is in agony Mike: leave the kid, I aint a paedophile dog Zahid: I need you coach Mike: Why you need these? Zahid: Got to beat the shit out of few heavyweights next month at college event Mike: Anything personal? (Touching his wound) Zahid: These guys call me names, harass my sister and today one of them came up to me and said “I gonna kill every Muslim cunt, so no one can pop up a terrorist like you” Mike: (Laughs) OK, Step in Zahid steps in, paces, charges, and launches a hook at the heavyweight. But his opponent is trained, shifts to his left, the hook miss completely and he plants an uppercut at Zahid Game over – Zahid on floor Mike steps in and towers above Zahid Mike: Lesson 1 – Know when not to enter

Feedback 9 Liz, I like how you established the feel of a small town atmosphere. It almost feels like it’s set in the 50s. I had a trouble believing that Rob doesn’t know much about baseball. He’s not from around there, but where in the United States can you escape playing baseball in P.E. or at least watching a baseball movie? The thought crossed my mind that he was an alien if he didn’t grow up knowing the game. We see Ben later on his motorcycle but Josh and Andy don’t figure into anything after they leave. You could say “including ROB and a few of his buddies, all late teens” so the reader isn’t expecting to see them again. On the plus side it’s a nice slow conversation of two people beginning a courtship. Susan

FEEDBACK 9 This scene is a lot of fun , and I like Theo's over the top choreography, as you put it. Is Theo a ref? Noting that would make it much easier to understand. Also, I'm confused as to why anyone would cheer for a call against their own team - is there a way, in the scene, to make this clear?

Scene 9 Lively sporty music fanfare. Big bright letters fill the screen one word at a time announcing “ZAPBALL WORLD CUP”. The words explode leading to a lively music track and pre-recorded images of players in skin tight uniforms jumping and running and crashing against each other as they try to capture a lonely PING PONG ball. One one side of the screen the word GUAM rushes in followed by USA on the other. The meet in the center generating a large explosion. CUT TO INT. COMMENTATOR'S BOOTH – DAY The music fanfare continues as we switch to a commentators' booth in an overcrowded stadium. Two people sit behind the commentators' desk. Their names briefly appear in white letters under them. MAX LEBON (30s) is the typical TV commentator with an everlasting smile, $100 hair cut and wearing a light blue suit and red tie. Next to him, ESTEBAN “THE WOLF” LOPEZ (late 20s) is a hulk of a man, copper skinned and wearing a white Pepsi t-shirt, Ford baseball cap and Oakley glasses. MAX: Welcome, welcome, welcome to this the inaugural game of the first ever Zapball World Cup. This is Max LeBon coming to you live from the John Deere stadium here in sunny Phoenix, Arizona where we will witness the highly anticipated match between the skilled team from Guam and the powerhouse that is... the US of A. With me, two times Zapball national champion and world record holder of the most Zippy-doos in a match, Esteban “The Wolf” Lopez. ESTEBAN: Hello Max. Pleasure to be here. MAX: Esteban, tell us, your thoughts on this game? ESTEBAN: Max, I believe we are in for a very good match. Ever since the inclusion of Gunnar Thomson and Jamie Ocampo as right and left forwards, the US team has seen a definite improvement in their passing, stepping and zap-blocking which makes them, in my opinion, the team to beat today. MAX: But it's not going to be easy. ESTEBAN: It's not going to be easy at all as the team from Guam has proven to be a highly skilled team with a record of 57 wins and only three losses in their international friendlies in preparation for the world cup. MAX: Those are good numbers. ESTEBAN: Those are excellent numbers, Max. MAX: This is a very exiting moment. It's hard to believe that it was only six months ago that Zapball was introduced and now it's the number one sport across the world. ESTABAN: All over the world. MAX: From the beaches of Costa Rica to the mountains in Nepal, everybody is Zapballing. ESTEBAN: Yes they are, Max. It's a fast game. It's a fun game. MAX: Yes it is! You were there for the first ever league Zapball match played in the US four months ago. This is a great story. Tell us, Esteban, how did you ever got on the team? ESTEBAN: Well Max, I was a gardener at Champions Park in my hometown of Louiville, Indiana-- MAX: Home of the Indiana Rovers. ESTEBAN: That's right, when I noticed some guys passing around a ping-pong ball while kicking the living shit out of each other. One of the guys slipped on a banana peel- MAX: That's a code two infraction. ESTEBAN: That's a code two, alright! They needed another player on the field, the saw me... and the rest is history. MAX: And what a history! Three months as a professional player, two MVPs, two national championships. What a player. You later decided to retire. Why is that? ESTEBAN: Well. This sport is better left for the younger generations. Besides, I got some awesome sponsorship deals which allow me to spend the rest of my days tending to my garden in my mansion in Indianapolis. MAX: It's the American dream. ESTEBAN: That it is, Max. That it is. MAX: Well folks, we are couple of minutes away from the starting whistle so we are going to take a quick break. However, don't move a muscle because when we come back we will dive head first onto to this Zapball World Cup match. Guam versus the USA. Don't go anywhere. Sporty fanfare. ANNOUNCER: The Zapball World Cup. Only on Fox.

Jonathan, I'm guessing you're a big sports fan yourself--I *totally* could hear these announcers saying this. Liz FB#11

Thanks Susan, Yeah, not knowing anything about baseball in America would tend to make one think there's something very wrong with this dude!

Feedback 10 Hey Johnathan, This scene was a blast to read. Really fun and energetic. My only question would be why is THE LAW doing this, is it only for his own fame? Is he trying to work a shoe deal for himself? If you added an angle like that this scene could really take off.. again a joy to read keep writing -Verdell

Scene 6 INT. CHRIST THE KING GYMNASIAM - AFTERNOON The gym is packed, standing room only. Everyone is either wearing blue or green just like the two teams of twelve to fourteen year old BOYS. Both teams huddle around their respective COACHES. The team in blue is physically the superior team with a few boys even sporting a dirt stache while the team in green looks like they came straight from the sandbox. The scoreboard reads home forty eight, away zero. With Four minuets left in the fourth quarter. A REFEREE (40’s) jogs off to a corner drinking fountain. MS. JEFFRIES (40’s) wearing green nail polish to match her green sweatshirt, storms over after him. MS. JEFFRIES: Mr. Official, it would be nice for our boys confidence if you could help them out and blow the whistle evenly on both sides. The ref finishes his drink and checks his watch. REFEREE: Look lady, I call this game just the same as I’ve called all of my games this season. This is junior high and these boys barely know the fundamentals so I give them a little bit of space on some things, but I’m always fair. The ref signals to a pimply faced teen at the scorers table and a BUZZER sounds. The boys return to the floor. The ref hands the basketball to STICK JONES(12) of the green team. He’s taller than the rest of the kids but only skin and bones. He blows he whistle and the game is back in session. Stick inbounds the ball to PIGGY JEFFRIES (12) a cherub faced kid who has yet to grow into his girth. Piggy dribbles up the court. The blue team is stretched out with their hands up on defense in a two three zone. Piggy, at the top of the key dribbles aimlessly. The clock keeps ticking. A group of TEENAGED BOYS laugh uncontrollably as one of them calls a play by play through cupped hands. RUDE KID: And Tubby Magee dribbles some more, I think this kids wants to run out the clock. More of the ADULTS surrounding the kid start laughing as well. RUDE KID (CONT’D): Seriously folks, this kid looks like he still takes naps. Ms. Jeffries stares daggers at the kid. MS. JEFFRIES: Take it to the hole Frances! Piggy heaves up a shot from way too far out. The ball soars high in the air and falls four inches from where he shot it. A kid in blue grabs the ball and heads toward the opposite end with lighting speed. The rest of the player give chase. Piggy falls to floor holding his elbow. PIGGY: I think that was out of my range. It’s hyperextended. The shot by the blue team rolls off the rim. Stick grabs the rebound and throws the long pass to piggy still on the ground. He stumbles to his feet just in time to grab the ball. He throws up an awkward shot inches away from the rim. The ball dances there for a second before falling through the hoop. The BUZZER sounds. Ms. Jeffries rushes the court in sweet sixteen jubilation. Piggy raises a fist to the stunned crowd. RUDE KID: This whole team will still get trophies at the end of the year.

FEEDBACK 4 Amir This is a good short scene, but it seems a bit rushed. There are a couple of bits missing to make the scene clearer. For example, the boxer in training, is he the one fighting Zahd at the end or is it Mike? Also, there is no description of the boxer and this is important. Also, is Zahid dressed appropriately for the occasion? Is he wearing shorts or a tracksuit? When he goes on the ring, does he put on some boxing gloves? Also, Mike asks "Why you need these?" This question doesn't seem to fit the prelude or the answer. Also, coaches don't necessarily fight head-to-head with their trainees. However, I did like the dialogues and you presented a good scene, believable and realistic. Good flow. Ricardo

FEEDBACK 9 This is a great scene, setting up what looks like a great character in Theo Law. I agree that it's not entirely clear upfront that Theo is a ref, although it does become clear fairly quickly. A little bit of clarification would mean less work for the reader.

SCENE 10 INT. SKATING RINK - NIGHT LIANE (40) sits way up in the stands, jacket around her shoulders. Her legs shake with a mixture of cold and agitation. MATT (40) sidles into the row carrying two Styrofoam cups, stepping over laps and legs until he reaches Liane. He hands her one of the cups. Liane: Thank you. It smells great. She opens the lid and takes a sip. Liane: Ow. Hot. Matt sits next to her. Matt: Part of the fun is holding on to it a little so it warms up your hands. They watch the game taking place on the ice. Liane: Which one is yours? Matt gestures with his chin. He can’t keep the pride out of his voice. Matt: Number 17. Left wing. Second-highest scorer this season. Liane: That’s great. Her legs shake some more. Matt puts a hand on her knee and she stops immediately. Matt: He really is very excited to meet you. Liane blows at the top of her drink. She takes a careful sip. Liane: I’m excited, too.

FEEDBACK 6 zty Talk about leaving it for the last minute. But you managed to complete the 10 scenes. Very well done. I had to read it a couple of times to grasp what is happening, but if I understood correctly, Liane is Matt's new girlfriend and she is going to meet Matt's son for the first time after his little league ice hockey game. Am I right? This is a very nice little scene, clean and very well written. However, it would help the reader a bit to drill in the message by maybe simply finishing the scene with Matt grabbing Liane's hand (if you like soppy on-the-nose). Nevertheless, this scene could easily be the introduction to a teary human emotion drama, a sport based drama, or a romcom, anything really. Matt's son could easily be plotting to take revenge on Liane... for whatever reason. All in all, very good scene. R

SCENE 10 INT. VARSITY BASKETBALL STADIUM - NIGHT GRACE sits beside husband DAVID, watching a basketball game. Your average bourgeois American couple. This is probably the most time they’ve spent with each other all week. BOYS in their late teens play ball, shoot hoops. David’s eyes follow one remarkably tall, very attractive boy - CHASE. Chase dribbles the ball, dodges OPPONENTS, takes aim, shoots. Misses. DAVID: Damn it Chase! Grace glances at David. Chase looks up at his parents. Grace smiles. David grimaces. Chase goes back to his game. David’s eyes wander for a beat and fall on a very tall MAN - early forties, very good looking, sitting off to the left in better seats. DAVID: Hey isn’t that uhh--- Snaps his fingers, tries to recall. DAVID: That guy...that guy you used to work with. Way back. The year Chase was born. Grace’s eyes haven’t left her son. GRACE: Logan. David looks at Grace. DAVID: Yeah you saw him? Boy is he ever tall. He shouldda played ball! David looks at Logan again. GRACE: Yeah I saw him, David. Not everyone is as blind as you.

FB 10 Hey Ricardo, I really loved your action lines at the top of this scene. They painted such a clear picture in my mind. I also think your dialogue is solid - even for someone like me who isn't a sports fan but has been around many of them, I knew you got the pace and tone of the back-and-forth between the two men very right. And I got an idea of who Esteban is outside the world of zapball and what he likes to do. That's a lot to do in one scene - good descriptions, good dialogue, setting the ambience right, telling me something about the character external to the scene so that while I only get to read this one scene, I get a bigger picture of his universe. Your scenes are some of the best I've come across on this blog. Keep writing!

EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - NIGHT (Scene post #1) ROBERT MADSEN, 32, approaches the batters box but does not enter. He beats the crusted dirt off his shoes with his bat and walks into the box. INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE - DINNING ROOM - NIGHT The house is worn down. Flowered wallpapers line the walls and are beginning to peel in the corners. ABIGAIL, 24, visibly pregnant, walks in from the kitchen and places a pot of steaming soup in the middle of the table. ROBERT Soup, Soup, Soup. Always fucking soup. Abagail struggles to get into her chair, but when she finally does, closes her eyes and places her hands together to pray. ABAGAIL You don’t like it. Don’t eat it. She never opens her eyes. Robert stands up and flings his bowl of hot soup all over the wall. Abagail is startled and grabs her belly in pain. EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - LATER Robert is standing ready in the batters box. The PITCHER stares at him. He stands up straight, winds up the pitch, and throws a fastball dead center of the strike zone. Robert swings hard and misses. UMPIRE Striiiikkkeee. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - NIGHT Robert is wearing the same clothes from the scene before. He paces back and forth outside of a hospital room door. The door opens and a DOCTOR emerges, covered in blood. Robert hastens to the doctor who removes his mask and lowers his head. He falls into a chair, places his hands on his face, and begins to cry. EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - LATER The pitcher stares Robert down. Robert returns the gaze. Again, the Pitcher stands tall, winds up a pitch, and whizzes it straight down the middle. Robert doesn’t swing. UMPIRE Striiikkkeee. He takes a step out of the batters box and smacks the helmet on his head a few times. He takes a few practice swings and enters the box again. His fingers tighten around the handle of the bat. The Pitcher begins his wind up through the reflection of his eyes. INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE - NIGHT Robert and Abagail sit at opposite ends of the dinner table. Abagail takes a bite of food. Robert stares and plays with his broccoli. As she brings the fork to her mouth, her hands shake. Her face is bruised and battered. Robert flicks a piece of broccoli off of his plate. Abagail collapses face first into her food. Robert stares at her motionless body. EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - LATER Another perfect fastball, right down the middle. Robert swings. UMPIRE Striiikkkeee.