INT. BEDROOM - DAY Daylight seeps in through the blinds, casting patterns of light across the floor where a mosaic of clothes lie strewn. A pair of jeans, a belt, a slinky black dress and panty hose. Twisted around the door knob is a pair of red satin panties. Dangling from the skewed lamp shade is a matching red satin bra. Upon the bed lies HARRISON (35) and LOLA (30), two beautiful beings with bed-hair that tells of a passionate last-night. Both wear transfixed looks of shock and revelation on their faces. HARRISON So, that was... LOLA Not great. Lola peels out of bed unceremoniously. HARRISON See you at work tomorrow?

FEEDBACK 7 This scene is really funny. It feels like it ends a bit abruptly, maybe develop their relationship a little more?

FEEDBACK 8 Nice scene. Short, humorous and straight to the point. Descriptive and interesting. You used minimal dialog and made the words count. Thx for the read!

SCENE 8 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT A bedside lamp softly lights a modest, out of date bedroom. DOUG, 55, balding and unshaven, rustles up from under the sheets. Lies back, lets out a gratified sigh. Eleanor, 55, appears next to him, pulls the sheets up to her neck. ELEANOR: Turn on the TV, will ya? We can still catch the beginning of "CSI." DOUG: Oh, god. ELEANOR: Just turn it on. DOUG (mocking): Just turn it on. Doug grabs the remote, but before he can even power it on -- ELEANOR: You remember when you used to smoke? And every time, right after we'd make love, you'd light up, right here in bed -- DOUG: -- Yeah, a whole two times a year. ELEANOR: Yeah, well... whatever, I didn't complain about it -- DOUG: Ha. You complained every single time. ELEANOR (realizing): Yeah, and you still did it anyway. So there. Eleanor pulls an over-sized tee shirt from beneath the sheets. Slides into it. She grabs the remote right out of Doug's hand and powers on the television. The opening credits of "CSI" run. She lies back, settles in. Doug gets up out of bed and stretches in front of the TV. It isn't flattering. Eleanor grimaces at the sight of his out of shape body and his hairy back. He throws on a pair of shorts and a tee shirt and exits the room. It's clear from Eleanor's expression that she's more concerned with listening to what Doug's doing than watching her show. Moments later, Doug returns with a small carton of ice cream and a spoon. He plops down on the bed in the sitting position — back against the headboard — and chows down. The look on Eleanor's face is of complete aggravation. Doug is eating right in her TV line. ELEANOR: Do you have to eat ice cream right now? DOUG: It's Funky Monkey. ELEANOR: Yeah, and it's right in my eye line. She motions toward the TV set. DOUG: But it's so good. She gives him a look. A guilty smirk, he scoots back further. Eleanor is satisfied, somewhat. Doug enjoys another bite. DOUG: It's so good. ELEANOR: Alright, send it over. Doug hands her the carton. She takes a big bite. ELEANOR: That is good. She hands it back. DOUG: Right? Doug eats another bite, passes it back and Eleanor does the same. She nuzzles up next to her husband and the two eat ice cream together, eyes glued to the television screen.

Feedback 7 Hiya Shoshana, This scene is funny. This scene is short but has crushing subtext. I think this scene could use some length and not just for the sake of making this longer but to build tension. Also it would give you a chance to build your characters more. as always crisp writing and very enjoyable. keep writing -Verdell

Scene 7 INT. SEEDY MOTEL - NIGHT From under a dingy comforter in a room where a blacklight will shine brighter than an overhead, a head pops up. DAN (47) breathing heavy with hair disheveled and a surprised look on his face. DAN: Are you OK? Another head pops from under the cover. RITA (22) adorable cute with freckles to match, she’s red faced. RITA: I’m not sure, I don’t think so. Are you OK? DAN: I’m not one hundred percent sure what just happened under there. Rita dumps her face into her hands. RITA: I’m so embarrassed! DAN: OK, so you did something. Right, so it wasn’t me? I just know that things were going good. We had some noises, a few moans and maybe even a meow if I remember correctly. Rita’s face still in her hands. RITA: I don’t want to talk about it. DAN: Oh I need to know what just happened. I need to know how to stop that from ever happening again. She grabs a pillow and smacks Dan over the head, hard. RITA: Way to make me feel like a mutant. Dan hops out of the bed fast. He keeps a pillow in front of him. RITA (CONT’D): What are you doing? DAN: Whatever happened is still under there and I just don’t see the sense in letting it marinate. RITA: Asshole! DAN: OK, five questions. Yes or no answers and we’ll be done with it forever. RITA: Then I can be done with you forever. DAN: Ok. Does this often happen during sex? RITA: No! DAN: Does this happen to all girls after a certain age? Rita takes a peek under the covers and gags a little. RITA: No! DAN: Does it smell? Rita nods her head yes. DAN (CONT’D): Oh, gross! Did it come from the front or the back? Another shaky peek under the covers. RITA: I’m not sure. Dan, disgusted drops the pillow. Grabs a set of keys from the night stand and walks naked out the door in the darkness of night. RITA (CONT’D): You asshole!

Scene #5 INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY The curtains are drawn, but there is a bright stripe of sunlight peaking through. This is a standard middling hotel room somewhere in America. PHILLIP (late teens) lies on top of VANESSA (50’s). He moves his hips with one last trembling thrust into her and shouts with disbelief, in ecstasy, released. Phillip collapses onto Vanessa with a sigh. He lies still except for heavy recovering breaths. Phillip is tall and slender, with a boyish body still covered in peach fuzz. She is beautiful, wise, voluptuous. VANESSA: There you go. She brushes her hand along his chin and gently shifts him off of her. PHILLIP: I had no idea it could be like that. A tear runs down his face. VANESSA: I know, darling. Phillip clings to her and begins to sob. PHILLIP: I never want to leave. VANESSA: I know. We can just lie here for a few more minutes. PHILLIP: Can I see you again? VANESSA: No darling. This is your third time. You only get three. Phillip rolls over and sits up on the side of the bed, head in hands. After a minute. Imploring. PHILLIP: I don’t care if this was my father’s idea. I’m my own man. I can pay you whatever you want. Vanessa has been here dozens of times. VANESSA: It’s not about the money, darling. You’re ready now, to go out and please a woman. PHILLIP: (angry now) I don’t want to please another woman. I want to please you! Vanessa gets out of the bed and slips into a silky, opaque robe. She approaches Phillip and brushes the skin on his shoulders and arms, as if smoothing down the energy. Phillips calms. VANESSA: You have pleased me so much, Phillip. I will never forget you. She has said this before, and she will say it again. Phillip holds her gaze for several seconds. He steps back, released from the spell, and gets dressed. Slowly. In a few moments he picks his phone up off the nightstand and quietly leaves the room. He does not look back.

Feedback #7 Hi Shoshana -- I loved this! You set something up so beautifully, and then BOOM, surprised me with the ending. Short, sweet, and complete! THANKS, Susan W.

Feedback #8 Hi Willsho -- I really enjoyed reading your scene. Boy, these two really go on a journey of completely believable emotion in the scene. The ebb and flow of their relationship is so well laid out. I can tell from this that they have been married a long time. I also am not quite sure how things are going to turn out for them in the long run. Great work! Thanks, Susan W.

Scene 3 INT. BEDROOM - LATER Evan rolls off of Tera. They stare at the ceiling for a long beat. EVAN : So are we still broken up? TERA: Yeah. EVAN: Cool. I’m going to go sleep upstairs then.

Feedback 3 Loved this. I did a short one too that's similar so my note is probably for myself as much as it for you. What are you setting up? We get a touch of the work, but I might like a bit more foreshadowing for the future -- something that can be payed off later on in the script.

FEEDBACK 09 Hey Susan, I like that you went the paying for sex route. I wish Phillip had something more going for him that might put Vanessa in two minds or make this slightly harder for her, despite all the experience she's got under her belt (no pun intended). It's only because I feel it would up the drama in the scene. Regardless of my comments, it's a well-written, well-constructed scene!

SCENE 08 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Natual light brightens a ludicrously furnished living room. DEANNA and DEREK lie on an animal print rug, nude. Heavy breathing from both. Derek all smiles. He turns to Deanna. She looks at him. DEREK: Baby? She holds the look. DEREK: Come back to daddy! He mounts her with great enthusiasm. She GROANS and rolls her eyes. MALE VOICE (V.O.): Cut! Derek tumbles off her. A SLEAZY DIRECTOR - bald, pasty - approaches. DIRECTOR: Di, I said MOAN not GROAN. DEANNA: Can’t he say something else? DIRECTOR: That’s the line. DEANNA: Well write another one. Director looks flummoxed. He thinks, gets inspired. DIRECTOR: How about-- Pause of anticipation. DIRECTOR: Come to PAPA! Silence. DEANNA: I quit.

SCENE SIX INT. BEDROOM – DAY Barry climbs off on top of Cindy – an attractive blonde woman - and grins, mischievously. He glows as if he had climbed the Mount Everest. BARRY: that was awesome. Oh man, I'm great – the best. He cocks his head to Cindy. She lays quietly. BARRY: huh, what you think? CINDY: great – beyond great. Cindy looks bored. She contorts her face and rolls on her side, away from him. Barry snuggles up to her. She jabs him with her free elbow. BARRY: what's the matter? Don't you girls like to cuddle? Cindy raises her body, but Bary pulls her back and holds her tight in his arms. BARRY: we can go one more round, hey? CINDY: I don't think so. BARRY: or we could go to the beach and hang around a bit Cindy slaps him on his head with a cushion. BARRY: what's the matter? CINDY: look, I'm no babysitter and I don't want to hang out with you. And I certainly don't want to sleep with you anymore. You're terrible. BARRY: I know, that's why I paid you to learn me how to fuck. Cindy stares at his body and sees a boy. CINDY: you need to grow – everywhere. Find someone you're own age to practice BARRY: I thought hookers loved to teach young school boys Cindy grabs her clothing and disappears into the bathroom.

Very cool. Glad you liked it. Thanks Susan