SCENE 9 INT. THEATER - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT A play is in full swing on the stage. AARON is thundering around, his voice echoing through the theater. The audience is rapt, watching him. SABRINA waits in the wings. She bounces up and down a couple of times, rolls her shoulders, takes a deep breath. She stares out at Aaron onstage. GEORGIA (whispering): Sabrina! No response. GEORGIA (slightly louder): Sabrina! Sabrina turns to look at Georgia, who is standing next to a costume rack. GEORGIA (CNTD) (still whispering): I’m stuck. She pulls at her dress to demonstrate. It’s somehow attached to the rack. Sabrina rushes over, and looks. The bottom hem of the dress is wrapped around one of the rack’s wheels. Sabrina tries rolling the rack away. A loud squeak reverberates through the air, and Georgia’s skirt is still stuck. A stagehand, MOLLY, rushes over. MOLLY (whispering): What are you doing? Sabrina and Georgia point to the skirt. Molly gets down on her knees, trying to pry the fabric free from the wheel. AARON (from onstage): WHO’S THERE? SABRINA (whispering): Shit! My cue! The stage manager, DEVON, appears behind her, face bright red, eyes full of fury. DEVON (hissing): You’ve missed it twice. SABRINA (whispering): Sorry! DEVON peers at Georgia and Molly struggling to get the dress free. Sabrina rushes onstage, bumping into Aaron, who’s coming off. AARON (seething, trying to keep his voice low): Where have you been? SABRINA: Georgia’s costume is stuck. AARON: What? Sabrina pushes past him onto the stage. He follows. Sabrina and Aaron’s voices filter back from the stage as Molly and now another stagehand continue to struggle. Georgia looks panicked. They finally work the dress free. A bit of it remains wrapped around the wheel. DEVON (whispering): Georgia! Come on! Georgia, flustered, stares down at the ripped hem of the dress. MOLLY (whispering): You’re a servant. It’s fine. Georgia takes a deep breath and heads toward the lights.

Okay, Kara, you're getting close. One more scene to go.

I can't let my cheering section down... My co-workers were asking about it, so I started sending them scenes. Even days where I don't post what I've done, I write the scene, and email it to everyone. I've become the office entertainment!

SCENE 9 With apologies...(some names have been changed/made up because I have no idea who they really are) INT. OFFICE - DAY SUE and DEIDRE hunch over a desk, eyes close to the screen, hurriedly scanning folders and files. Sue's finger traces the action on screen as Deidre manipulates the mouse. They whisper, intensely to each other. SUE: What about in here? DEIDRE: We looked there, it must be deeper. SUE: Try this file, it says personal. DEIDRE: I can't? Can I? SUE: Why not? She's still logged in, we'll look like her... the perfect crime. DEIDRE: Keep an eye out. SUE (normal volume): I am! DEIDRE: ssssssssssh! Back to whispering. SUE: Try there... that one... DEIDRE: It just says "10". SUE: Just try it. DEIDRE: What about the one below. SUE: "VENICE: 2013"? Are you serious? DEIDRE: Okay.. okay... we'll try that one. WOMAN'S VOICE (normal volume): What one? Sue and Deidre nearly jump out of their skin. Deidre spins in her chair trying to look nonchalant as Sue pretends that she is cleaning the computer screen. DEIDRE: Oh nothing, nothing -- SUE: -- just talking about screenwipes... thought we might clean your workstation while you were away... you know... as a favour. The woman raises an eyebrow as Deidre and Sue slink away back to their own desks. She sits, checks her screen and turns to Sue and Deidre. WOMAN: I'll be sending it out after lunch... you'll be the first to see it. DEIDRE and SUE (together): Yes Kara...

FEEDBACK 5 I really enjoyed this scene. It has a great balance of humor and tension. It also creates a whole world of characters I'm interested in getting to know!

SCENE 7 INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GYM – DAY Two dozen pre-teen girls stand in a circle in their gym uniforms. COACH SYLVIA (30s) leads them in a series of stretches. Several of the girls are really not into this. They sidle away from the others, whispering and giggling amongst themselves. Sylvia blows her whistle. Sylvia: Okay, girls. Let’s run! Most of the girls take off, doing laps around the gym. The whispering girls lag behind, taking off slow enough that they can keep talking. Sylvia approaches them. The girls look at her. One of them whispers something and the rest laugh out loud. This does something to Sylvia. She stops directly in front of the group, taking the whistle out of her mouth. Sylvia: Did I say something funny? One of the girls leans toward another, ready to whisper something else. Before she can say anything the whistle is back and Sylvia blows, hard. The girls SHRIEK and cover their ears. They take off running. Sylvia reaches out and grabs a girl’s t-shirt, hauling her to a stop. Sylvia leans down to the girl until they are nose to nose. Sylvia (whispering): No whispering in my class. It’s mean. She waits until the girl nods, acknowledging her. Sylvia lets her go and the girl takes off after her friends.

Scene 4 INT. GRACE COMMUNITY CHURCH – DAY A flower-covered casket is in the front of a large church, the pews are about three-fourths full. The mourners are standing, singing the last verse of “How Great Thou Art.” JENNA BRADSHAW, (27), stands in the last pew. Average looking, her dress is plain and ill-fitting. She isn’t singing, her eyes are filled with tears. As the mourners finish the last chorus she turns and starts to leave. Her way is blocked by the arrival of SHANNON TURNER, (43). Shannon’s suit is business-like, not really appropriate to a funeral. The hymn comes to a close and REVEREND DALY takes his place in front of the casket. REVEREND DALY: Please be seated. Jenna looks at Shannon and reluctantly sits. Jenna’s face is blank. Shannon sits next to her. REVEREND DALY: The death of a loved one is never easy to accept. It’s even harder when death comes early as it did for Scott. SHANNON (whispers): This must be so hard for you. REVEREND DALY: Scott was one of the best men I’ve ever known. SHANNON (whispers): To be honest I didn’t think you’d come. Jenna continues to stare, blank-faced. REVEREND DALY: He was a devoted husband to Sarah and an excellent father to Jason and Brittney. SHANNON (whispers): I’m not surprised to see you sitting in the back though. Jenna takes a deep breath. Reverend Daly’s voice fades to an inaudible noise. SHANNON (whispers): You were always in the background. Even the day Scott died, you stayed in the kitchen, making sure there was food for everyone, washing the dishes, quietly serving in the background. Jenna looks increasingly nervous. SHANNON (whispers): That’s why it took us so long to solve the case. You blended into the background so well we almost missed the obvious. Slowly Jenna turns and looks at Shannon. SHANNON (whispers): That’s it, isn’t it? You weren’t happy in the background anymore. But Scott turned you down and you just couldn’t stand it. Jenna shifts her weight and looks around the church. SHANNON (whispers): Don’t bother, all the exits are covered. Besides, think of Sarah. You murdered her husband. Do you really want to cause her even more pain by making a scene at his funeral? Jenna hangs her head. Shannon takes Jenna’s elbow, helps her to stand and escorts her from the church.

Feedback #4 Mark, Love that you’re having fun with Kara’s post about her coworkers cheering her on. It was a breath of fresh air! Until I got to the end I thought I was reading an espionage/thriller sort of scene. If that was also your intent you could increase the tension more. A couple of lines before the woman speaks her shadow could fall on the desk. Something that we know but Sue and Deidre don’t increases the suspense. This is trivial: Sue is the lookout but we don’t see any references to her looking over her shoulder or any other indication that she really is “keeping an eye out.” Thanks for a fun read! Susan

FEEDBACK 5 Really nice work. The tension and the detail in this scene are great. It might be interesting to work in other people watching them. If someone was whispering at a funeral, people would probably be turning around to look, and it might be interesting to play with how Shannon and especially Jenna react to people watching them.

Mark, this is so great. It's doubly funny because I have a habit of forgetting to log off of my computer at work...

Kara, I'm kicking myself for taking the easy way out. I put Jenna in the back so she wouldn't be near other people and I wouldn't have to deal with reactions. It would have been so much more interesting to have at least one or two more people involved. Thanks for the insight and for the lesson! Susan

Thanks Susan - good point about the "look out" - the problem of writing on the fly. Working on a script at the moment that needs a bit more of that sort of "rising tension" so thanks for the timely butt kick! :-)

Thanks Kara - although maybe now you'll think twice.... ? :-)

FEEDBACK #11 Susan, great scene, I like the idea. I wonder, and please don't think I am getting at you today - I'm just catching up, but I wonder if the dialogue towards the end could benefit from being less direct... maybe try and think about how some of the revelation could be less on the nose.... You could replace "That’s it, isn’t it? You weren’t happy in the background anymore. But Scott turned you down and you just couldn’t stand it" with something like "It's nice when people notice you though, isn't it?" That way you can still tell the audience what is going on, that Shannon has her number, but potentially build more tension with Jenna as she might not be 100% sure she is rumbled! Just my random thoughts!

Mark, I don't think you're getting at me. I welcome the feedback. This challenge is the first time I've ever posted anything publicly. I only got internet two weeks ago after years without it and I am so excited to be connected with other writers instead of it just being me writing on my own. You could probably completely slam my work and I'd still be running around the house yelling whoo-hoo because I got feedback. I do agree that I could have built more tension with Jenna and that would have improved the scene. I tend to be very direct myself and am still working on my characters having their voice as opposed to my voice. So, thanks for the insight, Susan

That's a great attitude Susan, and welcome to the Internet! I'm no professional/expert, so you can take everything I say with a pinch of salt, but good on ya for getting your work out there and opening yourself up - best way to learn! I've enjoyed reading your scenes!

FEEDBACK 6 Great Scene Susan! Nice suspense and tension followed by a fun, surprising payoff. It could be argued that busting Jenna during the funeral is a bit unlikely but I think for this scene it doesn't matter as we're caught up in the entertainment of it and are wanting to see how it all goes down. The only thing I'd change is stating or showing Shannon is a police officer (which I'm pretty sure is what you're saying). Maybe she could just flash her badge right near the end, so as not to ease the tension too soon, then haul Jenna out. The only other thing I had issue with was Jenna's role in Scott's life. I'm thinking she was the cook or live-in maid, housekeeper or something. It's borderline nitpicky, I know but with some slight rewording you could help clear up any potential reader confusion. Otherwise, very good work!

SCENE 6 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT DELMAR and HARRY, both 40s, sit beside a small campfire in the middle of the dark, quiet woods. DELMAR (whispering): Can you hear me, Harry? HARRY (whispering): Yes. Why are we whispering? DELMAR (whispering): That was the one requirement of the scene. HARRY (whispering): What scene? DELMAR (whispering): The one being written right now. HARRY (whispering): Oh, this scene, duh. Well, what are we supposed to whisper about? DELMAR (whispering): I don't know. I'm guessing the writer's figuring it out as we speak. HARRY (whispering): Sounds kind of like an existential crisis. DELMAR (whispering): Maybe, maybe not. Ever heard the saying that "good writers take a back seat and let the characters do all the talking?" HARRY: What makes you think this jackass knows the first thing about writing a script? DELMAR (whispering): Shhh. Are you nuts? You want him to hear you talking about him like that? HARRY: Him? I'm not gonna go into the multitude of reasons why that comment's offensive. All gender aside, though, most writers are twerpy, egocentric, little -- BAM! Harry falls face first into the fire. Delmar jumps up. DELMAR: Ahh. I knew it. Delmar hides behind a tree, peeks out. Harry's body is now engulfed in flames. It hisses and crackles... sends up a few sparks. DELMAR (whispering): Damn it, Harry. Why didn't you listen to me? Wolves howl in the distance. Harry winces. He looks out to the heavens. DELMAR (whispering): Just know, I tried to defend you. The wind blows with vengeance. The trees rustle and sway. Delmar's eyes widen. DELMAR (sotto): My god, no. Foot steps crunch in the nearby leaves of the woods. Delmar's teeth chatter. DELMAR (whispering): Please, no. I told him it was our responsibility to come up with the dialog. I told him. Delmar shuts his eyes tight. DELMAR: Please, don't let me die... BLACKNESS DELMAR: Please, please, don't let me die... INT. DELMAR'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Delmar shifts uncomfortably, asleep, on his couch. His eyes pop open. He takes a deep breath, sits up and looks around, momentarily confused. DELMAR: It was a dream. It was all just a dream. Um, I mean... (whispering) ...It was all just a dream. He looks around, a face full of uncertainty.

COMMENT 3 Willsho This scene, I have to say, is close to perfect. Funny, unexpected, crazy with just the right amount of weird. Great twists, great drama. My only nag is when Delmar is left alone talking to the writer there is no need to whisper as he needs the writer to listen to him. But that is just me. Great writing. Ricardo

Thanks Ricardo! Interesting thought. That didn't even dawn on me but looking back now... I think you're right. Appreciate the kind words. ;)

Feedback 4 Hey there Susan D, I really enjoyed your scene. A church is always a great place to whisper. I got the feeling this woman was obsessed with the deceased. The one thing I would change to make for a better read is just the spacing of all the description in the beginning. It would just make for a cleaner read. Other than that very entertaining. Keep writing -Verdell

Scene 4 EXT. WILSON’S FARM - DAY Sitting on the wrap around porch is a BOY and his MOTHER. EVERETT (9) reads an issue of the Amazing Spiderman slouched on a porch swing. MATILDA (45) knits and sways in her rocker. She looks up from her work to see the sloucher. She clears her throat and without looking up Everett corrects his posture. SQUEALS come from the nearby pig pen as MORT (19) a string bean of legs and arms shovels manure into a empty wheel barrow. MR. WILSON (50) a farm fit man with the beard of a Greek god enters the pen. He sets an empty wheel barrow down and grabs a full one, then wheels it away. He wheels it through a large corn field. The neatly planted rows of stalks hide him from view outside of the field like a mouse in a maze. He emerges from the field to the edge of the farm. An old wooden flatbed trailer lies at the edge of the property right before the road. He dumps the manure into the trailer and heads back the way he came with the empty wheel barrow. Faint MUSIC comes from the distance. Everett lowers his comic and squints his eyes. Mr. Wilson returns to the pig pen and sits down another empty wheel barrow. He turns to pick up a full one when he hears the music, this stops him in his tracks. He turns and smiles at Mort who walks over to the edge of the pen grinning from ear to ear. They both wait and watch the house. The music is louder and now can be made out as the music that only comes from the ice cream truck. Everett drops his comic and rushes over to his mother who doesn’t look up from her knitting. He drops to his knees and clasp his hands together pleading. Matilda doesn’t seem to notice. Everett adds a pouty lip and sad puppy dog cry. Matilda can’t hold a straight face. She digs in her pocket and hand her son a dollar.He kisses his mom and darts off the porch. He flies past the pig pen with the arm holding the dollar held high in the air. Mort and Mr. Wilson howl in laughter. Mort mimics an Olympic torch relay. Into the corn fields now. All that can be seen is the wild dancing of a few stalks jerking out of the way. The music is so close. The excitement of ice cream drives the boys arms and legs even faster than before. Determination covers his face. The hard running and excitement takes away his control. He burst from the corn field in a wild stumble of almost falling until he trips over the flatbed trailer and lands inside a pile of manure, dollar bill and all. A group of ice cream satisfied emotionless kids watch on as the truck of goodies rolls off. Everett's head pops up from the poop just in time to see the truck down the road. EVERETT:Shit!

Scene 8 INT. GREATER GRACE CHURCH - DAY The seats are packed with PEOPLE wearing their Sunday’s best. SISTER JOHNSON (63) makes her way to the podium. She wears an extravagant hat and heavy makeup. In the back of the church two white gloved USHERS wait by the door with a handful of programs. Sister Williamson(54) and Sister Grant(56) both whisper so not to disturb the service. SISTER GRANT: Sister Williamson, are you up for a bit of a wager? SISTER WILLIAMSON: I only gamble when I know I can win. SISTER GRANT: Well you must not gamble much. SISTER WILLIAMSON: What’s the bet? SISTER GRANT: You pay me five dollars every time Sister Johnson makes an announcement that isn’t on the program. SISTER WILLIAMSON: And how does this game pay me? SISTER GRANT: Every time she mentions that deadbeat husband of hers you win five dollars from me. Sister Williamson takes a moment to think the offer over. Sister Johnson adjust the microphone to reach her short build. SISTER WILLIAMSON: You’re on Sister. The ladies open their programs to the announcements page. SISTER JOHNSON: Giving honor to God, Pastor, and the rest of my Grater Grace Family. These are the days announcements. Friday July third there will be a cookout held here by the youth group to raise money for the Cedar Point trip. Plates will include your choice of two hot dogs or a hamburger, chips, and a pop. Each plate will only cost twenty dollars. A collective GASP is let out by the congregation. Sister Johnson removes her glasses to reread the announcement. SISTER GRANT: Side bet. Twenty says she made an error. SISTER WILLIAMSON: Cedar Point is expensive these days. I’ll take that bet. SISTER JOHNSON: Excuse me, a plate will only be ten dollars but if you would like to help sponsor a child for this trip it’ll cost twenty dollars. Charge it to my head and not my heart saints. I remember the last time Charles and I took the Grandkids to Cedar Point it was rather pricey. Sister Williamson holds up her pinky finger to sister Grant. SISTER GRANT: You must be bad at math, cause I'm still ahead. SISTER WILLIAMSON: Let’s just end it now, I hate gambling in the Lords house. SISTER GRANT: You hate to lose in the Lord’s house. You still owe me fifteen dollars.

So this is in the wrong spot. I also have it under Day 16 where it should of been.

SCENE FOUR INT. HOUSE OF BRIDES – DAY Anjani, Kira, Pretima sit on the couch and wait for their friend Bishar who's putting on a wedding dress. The shop assistant leaves to take the ringing phone. Bishar – a voluptuous young woman, everywhere- steps out of the fitting room and beams. She wears a fluffy strapless cinderella gown that hardly support her big boobs and accentuates her big belly. BISHAR: What do you think? She spins. Her friends watch agape. They clearly don't like the dress on her, but no one dares to say something. BISHAR: Ever since I was young I've been dreaming of a Cinderella gown and my own prince charming. BISHAR doesn't wait for any reaction. She walks over to the mirror in the corner of the room. Pretima jabs Anjani. They whisper (whispering continues till shop assistant returns) PRETIMA: You tell her she looks like a sausage. Anjali gulps. ANJALI: Why me? PRETIMA: you're her best friend ANJALI: you're her niece. PRETIMA: she'll think I'm jealous of her if I tell the truth ANJALI: jealous of what? PRETIMA: that she's getting married and I'm not. KIRA mingles. KIRA: will you stop bickering. She can hear you. PRETIMA: you tell her she needs to try another dress KIRA: I'm not going to crush her childhood dream. She wants to wear a cinderella gown. Let her be. PRETIMA: We can't let her wear that dress. Her fiancee will regret his choice once he sees her in that--- I even don't have words for it. PRETIMA pinches Kira. PRETIMA: you have to tell her. Somebody needs to. PRETIMA turns to Anjali who looks the other way. BISHAR returns from the mirror and grins. BISHAR: This is a dream coming true. The shop assistant returns from her call and sees BISHAR. She shakes her head and laughs. BISHAR'S face falls. SHOP ASSISTANT: no no – dress no good for you. You look like a pregnant elephant. ANJALI, KIRA AND PRETIMA look shocked. BISHAR'S face contorts, she's about to cry. PRETIMA: You can't say that. BISHAR cries. ANJALI: you look great. KIRA: yes, that shop assistant doesn't know what she says. She wants you to buy a more expensive one. SHOP ASSISTANT: no no no, that's not what I mean. I mean -- PRETIMA: ssst – stop it. PRETIMA walks with her niece to the mirror. PRETIMA: look in the mirror – you look amazing. You're going to be the most beautiful bride, ever. ANJALI (whispers) to KIRA: Someone must tell her at home that it's ugly on her. KIRA: I agree. Head or tails? ANJALI: tails Kira produces a coin from her bag and flips it in the air. The coin spins on the ground -- and shows tails. KIRA: congrats. She's your responsibility.

Scene 4 EXT. FOREST - DAY JAY (11) stumbles through the foliage after FRAN (12), breathing hard as he attempts to keep up. Jay steps into a clearing, shielding his eyes from the sun dotting through the leaves. Fran turns to face him, beaming, red hair bright in the sunlight. She motions to -- AN OLD DEER STAND HIGH IN THE TREE. FRAN: What do you think? Pretty cool, huh? Jay shrugs, underwhelmed. JAY: It's okay, I guess. It's just an old deer stand. Fran frowns, blows a stray strand of hair from her face dejectedly. FRAN: I come out here all the time. You'd be surprised by how fun it can be. Jay sighs. JAY: I thought we were gonna play Xbox. FRAN: I said we were going to play a game. And-- Fran pauses, checking her watch. FRAN: Should be about that time-- CRUNCHING LEAVES interrupts her. Fran turns to Jay, eyes wide. She starts to climb up the rickety latter of the deer stand. FRAN: C'mon, Jay. Climb up. Hurry. JAY: Why-- FRAN: Shut up. Someone's coming. The sudden urgency of Fran's voice pushes Jay into action. He scrambles up after her. The two are squished uncomfortably close together on the platform. Jay presses himself closer to his side of the stand, flustered. They crouch in silence, listening as they hear MUFFLED LAUGHTER and two people tromping through the forest. Branches snapping. JAY: Why are we hiding? FRAN (whispering): Shush. The zombies might hear you. Jay gives Fran a quizzical look. He squints as -- His brother, WAYLON (16), and his brother's girlfriend, stumble into view. JAY (whispering): It's just my brother. Fran shakes her head. Her eyes twinkle with mirthful teasing, like she's in on some big joke. FRAN: Nope. He's a zombie. They both are. Jay moves to climb down, but Fran stops him, grabbing his arm. FRAN: They've got red, lifeless eyes, just like a zombie. They even walk and talk like they're dead. Jay grimaces, watching from afar as his brother and girlfriend make out against a tree. The girlfriend pulls a rolled up joint from her pocket. They start to smoke up. JAY: Mom's gonna kill him. Pause. JAY: He's gonna kill me if he see's us up here. FRAN: See? We've got to stay up here if we don't want to get infected like they are. Jay meets Fran's gaze, smiling, understanding. FRAN: You'd be surprised how many people in this town go out in the woods to keep their secrets hidden from everyone else. But they don't know I'm watching. It's like a game, but the stakes are a little higher. JAY: What if someone catches us? FRAN: That's part of the fun.

Feedback 5 I really like this scene. I think the dialogue is funny and has a realism to it that's fun to read. I can see this happening in real life, but it's also interesting enough to keep an audience entertained. So, yes, I was entertained by this scene.