SCENE 4 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT JENNY sits splayed out across the couch in her apartment, watching TV. There’s a knock at the door. Jenny gets up, opens the door. TOM stands in the hallway. JENNY: Hi, Tom. TOM: Where’s my cat? JENNY: What? I don’t know. TOM: Where’s the cat, Jenny? JENNY: Tom, I haven’t seen your cat. TOM: Come on, Jenny. I saw you. JENNY: Saw me what? TOM: I saw you open the window for Lucifer. I watched him climb in. JENNY: Why would I take your cat, Tom? TOM: I don’t know. I don’t know. I just want him back. They stare at each other. JENNY: He’s not here. But you’re more than welcome to come in and look if you want. Tom enters the apartment. Jenny closes the door behind him. He glances around anxiously, peering around corners and under furniture. Jenny is perched on the edge of the couch, eyeing him as he moves around. His gaze lands on the open window. TOM: You did open the window! JENNY: I opened the window, Tom. But not to let your cat in. It’s June. I didn’t want to sit in a closed up apartment. Tom nods. He goes to the window and looks out. JENNY (CNTD): Why don’t you make some signs or something? Put them up around the building. Ask around. Somebody’s probably seen him. Tom turns back to her, glaring. TOM: I know where he is, Jen. And I want him back. JENNY: You are standing in my apartment! Do you see him? Do you? You’ve looked yourself - he’s not here! I think you should leave. You’ve interrupted my evening enough. She heads for the door, glances back at Tom. His eyes are misty in the glow of the streetlight. TOM: I love that cat. JENNY: I know you do. You’ll find him. She opens the door. Tom glances around again. JENNY (CNTD): Tom. Go. He leaves. She shuts the door behind him. JENNY (CNTD): What the hell?

INT. RICK’S CONDO - DAY The sun came early. RICK GALLIVAN (33) woke up in his usual state of being. That familiar ringing in his ears. Nauseous from the 2 AM pizza that seemed like a great idea at the time. Beer-scented beads of sweat that rolled down his pudgy, bloated face. He dragged himself upright on the couch where he passed out fully clothed, his pants still damp. RICK: Jesus, not again. Rick had overstayed his welcome last night. He always overstayed his welcome when cheap beer was involved. That morning after guilt feeling crept over him. Why did he always feel so guilty? He lumbered to the bathroom and popped 3 aspirin, chugging water directly from the sink. He looked at himself in the mirror as miniature streams of water ran down his chin into his shirt, and his eyes caught his laptop in the room behind him. The screen was on. He pulled out the metal school chair and plopped down. ON THE SCREEN Microsoft word is open. Rick scrolls down with his mouse. YOU WERE A MESS LAST NIGHT. Well, there it was. He was a mess last night. He ran his hand through his hair. Who was in his apartment? He kept scrolling. ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN YOU ANNOYED EVERYBODY. He was pretty sure this was true. He rummages around in between the couch cushions until he finds his cell phone. He sits back behind his laptop and TEXTS his friend mark. ON THE PHONE SCREEN Did Andrea get up while I was mid-sentence last night? Or was it after? He keeps scrolling on his computer while he waits for a response. ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR SHIT. He closes his eyes and breathes in slowly. Embarrassed. He texts Mark again. ON THE PHONE SCREEN Did I talk all fucking night or something? He continues to scroll on his computer. Still no response from Mark. ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN NO ONE WANTS YOU AROUND. He slides his chair back, shrieking on the hard wood floor. RICK: Goddammit! He goes back to his computer and furiously tries to hit the DELETE key. It’s stuck. The whole keyboard is stuck. He looks to the left and there’s an overturned beer bottle, and a dried puddle underneath and on top of his keyboard. It runs to the edge of the table, and his eyes follow their way down to the drying stain on his pants. His PHONE BUZZES. It’s Mark. ON THE PHONE SCREEN Relax man, you were great. Did you leave yourself notes around the house again?

FEEDBACK 04 Hi, Kara I like that you end on a cliffhanger; I hope there'll be another installment. Whatever happened to Lucifer? Too much Tom/Jenny names, they know each other's names. Once or twice for emphasis would be OK, but this is overdoing it. A little rewrite to strengthen things and it'll be good, like: "I think you should leave..." for "You've spoiled my evening. Go" Cheers

bigpink, interesting idea that Rick might've left himself notes or got them from the computer like that and it definitely makes you wonder why (just a drunk or is more going on beneath the surface?), so good set up with that. I was a bit confused as to whether he was on the phone or computer texting or emailing or if it even mattered. That's easy to fix if you wanted to. You had too many descriptions at the beginning that were internal and therefore unable to be shown on screen. That would be fine in a novel, but not so much in a screenplay. Hope that helps. Liz No. 7

Scene 05 EXT. GARDEN - DAY JERRY (20s), scruff beard and t-shirt, stops and smells the roses. TOM (O.S.) You! TOM (20s) monogrammed shirt and gelled hair, marches onward. TOM There you are. JERRY Here I am, baby. So what? The two face off. TOM Give it back. JERRY I don't know what you're talking about. TOM You stole my sock. JERRY One of those you obsessively put out to dress the next day together with you other clothes? I know nothing about it. TOM Oh, you know all about it. JERRY Are you implying I sneaked into your room at night and swiped your sock? TOM Not implying, stating. Who else would've done it? JERRY Hmm... A raccoon. TOM A raccoon? JERRY All around the world people are contemplating one sock and wondering where's the pair. Raccoons steal them. They're sneaky. TOM Not raccoons. A skunk. You. JERRY Why would I do it? To show Grace what a crazy coot you are and look good in comparison? TOM Aha. You admit it. Aloof, Jerry crosses his arms across the chest. JERRY I admit nothing. A raccoon must have done it. Tom's jaw bulges, he glares. TOM This. Isn't. Over. He stomps away under Jerry's sardonic gaze.

FEEDBACK 05 Hi, bigpink Sorry, this is not a screenplay. "The sun came up early." How will the audience know this? Does it matter anyway? If you want the audience to "hear" Rick, you need a Voice-Over. "He lumbered to the bathroom and popped 3 aspirin" See? Past tense. Something that happened before, not something that's happening as we see it. You must be trying to adapt a story of yours to a screenplay. Keep at it, the idea of notes for self is great and we can see them (you can have voice messages too); it's intriguing. However, you must keep in mind the differences between what works in a story meant to be read and in one meant to be seen (and heard). Keep it up. Cheers

SCENE 03 The little living-room is full of Do-it-yourself stuff. Coffee-table books about Quilts, Granny-square pillows covers every inch of the couch. Fred‘s tiny mother wears a hand-knitted pullover and skirt. She is preparing the table with cupcakes in different colors. FRED: Sit down, I have to talk to you. MOTHER: Everything you want, sweetheart. She sits down at the couch and look at him full of expectation. He sits next to her and returns her look for one moment, as his look wanders to her pullover which wool is shiny and bright. He touches it with a sigh. MOTHER: I know you‘ll notice. It‘s 20 percent silk. Fred caress the wool, then he stops if it have given him an electric shock. FRED: I‘m addicted. MOTHER: Oh, boy. Your cousin did so well with the 12-steps-program. Never took a drop of alcohol for 2 years now. You have always been smarter then him. We‘ll work it out. FRED: I‘m no drunk-head. His mother pushes his hand even stronger. MOTHER: Heroine? He shakes his head. MOTHER: Chrystal? Whatever it is: Now, that you told me, we can work on it. I‘ll help you. I will never leave my little baby alone. FRED: Mom, it‘s knitting! MOTHER: There is nothing like a knitting addiction! FRED: Then DIY. MOTHER: No, it‘s cosy, it‘s handsome, it‘s handcraft. FRED: Tell my banker - and my 15.000 Dollar debt in wool and cloth and kitchen aid.

FEEDBACK 3 Definitely an interesting concept. You do a really great job describing the scene, but I think focusing on things that the audience can see/hear would be helpful, and using them to create the atmosphere and situation you're trying to create. For instance, if you say he overstayed his welcome, what kind of details could you put into the scene to suggest this?

FEEDBACK 8 Great idea BigPink and nice scene. I agree with Liz and Kara though, you need to think carefully about the use of too much internal description. While we all agree there are no "rules" in screenwriting, the use of "unfilmables" needs to be monitored carefully so you don't overdo it and make it hard to visualise your thoughts on screen. Also, try and stick to an "active" style - "He pulls" rather than "he pulled" or "he drags himself" rather than "he dragged himself". Again, not a deal breaker! Great ideas though, thanks for sharing!

SCENE 6 INT. LIFT - DAY GEORGE and TOM stand next to each other at the back of a lift. Half-a-dozen workers stand around them, all staring forward, ignoring each other. Someone coughs. People wrinkle their noses, eyes shifting left and right, but still not looking anyone in the eye. Tom pulls a face of disgust at George who feigns shock and gestures "WHO ME"? Tom's hand goes up to his mouth and he shuts his eyes. George smiles to himself. The crowd shift uncomfortably. Tom gags. He turns to George, face furious. He thrusts a finger in George chest and mouths, "YOU STINK" George smiles and continues his silent protestation of innocence. Tom's eyebrows raise as he turns from George, something just got worse. He coughs. Loudly. Everyone suddenly looks around at Tom and George, they've had enough. George raises an eyebrow in Tom's direction and, keeping it very close to his chest, points a finger at Tom with a smile. DING The doors open and the passengers spill out.

Scene 4 INT. WHITSTABLE MANSION – NIGHT MR PURÉE stands in front of a grand fireplace, lighting his pipe. The setting exudes glamour and opulent sophistication with a hint of old time classic elegance. Mr Purée, impeccably dressed in his dining frock, looks at his audience with a glance that appears to pierce into their very souls. The smoke from the pipe rises and ruffles his feathers making him look like a menacing owl in the fog. Of course, this is easy to accomplish as Mr Purée is literally an owl in a dining frock. Around him, seating in comfortable lounge chairs is a collection of woodland and house animals, all dressed in 20s style clothing. In the center of the room, LORD CHANNING, a monocled old bloodhound, sits next to his loving new wife LADY MELISSA, a border collie much too young for his lordship. In the back, SIR THOMAS, a fox in an elegant three piece suit, quietly walks next to where MR SILVER, a snake and house gardener in work clothes, stands looking uncomfortable. MR PURÉE: Who... who, I ask you. Who profited from the death of dear Lady Agatha, Lord Channing first wife? As we have heard, each and everyone in this room had a motive. However, it appears as if all of you have a perfect alibi for the time of her death. But there is an undeniable fact behind all of this... Sir Thomas leans over to whisper to Mr Silver as Mr Purée's continues talking in the background. SIR THOMAS: Dear God, how much long must we suffer this? MR SILVER: This guy sure loves the sound of his own voice, eh? SIR THOMAS: So, who do you think did the ol' lady in? MR SILVER: Well it's not my position to say, sir. But, my money is on Mr Chuckles. Mr Silver points towards a formal looking old chimpanzee in a tuxedo. SIR THOMAS: The butler? Are you really saying that the butler did it? MR SILVER: Well, my Ladyship was strangled and he seems to be the only one capable of doing that. I mean... 'e's got 'ands innit? SIR THOMAS: But he adored her Ladyship. And if you notice his hands, they have seen better days. Good ol' Chuckles is as old as the hills. MR SILVER: You should see him when he gets angry. He's a right beast. SIR THOMAS: Threepence say he's not. MR SILVER: I'm in. SIR THOMAS: Shh... hold on. MR PURÉE: Which brings us to Mr Chuckles. The one who truly loved Lady Agatha and who would have done anything to release her from the pain her disease had subjected her to. MR SILVER: (to Sir Thomas) Eh? Told ya. MR PURÉE: But of course, this was a crime of hate, not love. Mr Chuckles would have never chosen strangulation, not on his beloved mistress. And his hands would not have allowed him either. Therefore... Mr. Purée speech continues in the background. MR SILVER: (to himself) Bugger. SIR THOMAS: I'll collect after this charade is over. MR SILVER: Sir, if I may ask... who's got your eye? SIR THOMAS: Ah! Lovely Catherine, of course. He points towards a French poodle dressed in a French maid uniform. SIR THOMAS: She's a looker. MR SILVER: I meant as the killer. SIR THOMAS: Oh. Well, if I should guess... I would say... you. MR SILVER: Sorry? SIR THOMAS: You see, my slithery friend, when it comes to strangulation, you've got all the right tools for it, wouldn't you say. MR SILVER: But I was prunnin' me roses, I was! SIR THOMAS: Or, so you say... Mr Purée walks slowly towards Lady Melissa who pants nervously. MR PURÉE: So, this leads me to the conclusion that the killer must be someone with a cunning, wicked and absolutely devious mind. And that is none other than... He looks directly at Lady Melissa. He suddenly turns his head almost 180 degrees to see right where Sir Thomas and Mr Silver are standing. MR. PURÉE: you... Mr Silver jumps in his place, his scales shaking in terror. MR. PURÉE: Sir Thomas! Everyone in the room jumps up in surprise. A nervous hubbub fills the atmosphere. Sir Thomas raises his ears in shock, but then relaxes and takes another sip from his dry Martini. SIR THOMAS: It's a fair cop. MR. CHUCKLES: (chuckling) Snake's fainted.

FEEDBACK 7 (as I think I missed seven so am taking a step back)... Ricardo - that was brilliantly absurd! Really enjoyed reading that and, as Scott often proclaims about screenwriting rules, there are no rules! While some might proclaim there is too much ink at the top of the page as you describe the scene, I think it is done well and sets the scene perfectly - just goes to prove that, if you do something well, the rules mean jack! If anything, I might argue that you could take a little longer setting the scene as there are a number of characters to introduce - or perhaps you could introduce some after the first couple of lines of dialogue - more from a point of reducing confusion than the number of words. Bravo! Mark

Wow. Thank you for your comments, Mark. The concept of "an accusation" always takes me to murder mystery dramas. Just felt like pushing the envelope a bit. Glad you liked it. Cheers! Ricardo

FEEDBACK 06 Jolly good show, old bean. A bit of tightening would be perhaps welcome, but I won't nitpick, it is very amusing, even Queen Victoria would say so. Of course, I suspect Sir Thomas is not really a fox, but a raccoon in disguise. They're very sneaky.

FEEDBACK 4 I liked the feeling of suspense you built: does she have the cat or doesn't she? If so, why did take it and where did she put it? If suspense is what you're going for, I would leave off Jenny's last line. As it is, it undercuts the mystery of whether of not she took the cat...

SCENE 4 INT. KITCHEN – DAY FIONA (35) opens a box of chocolate truffles. There is only one left. She sighs. She picks out the truffle. She sits. She bites into it the truffle and closes her eyes, letting the chocolate melt on her tongue. BRANDON (6) barrels into the kitchen, stopping short when he sees Fiona. Brandon: (in that sing-song whine endemic to 6 year-olds) Moooommmmy! Fiona’s eyes fly open, the spell broken. Brandon: Is that the last chocolate? Fiona swallows. She examines the remaining chocolate in her hand. She looks back at Brandon. Fiona: Yes. Brandon glares at her. Brandon: You said you would give me one! Fiona: I will. I promise. Next time I buy a box. She stuffs the rest of the chocolate into her mouth and smiles around it.

FEEDBACK 07 Hi zty, really funny one! And you make Fiona‘s decision between two competing values really comprehensible. Just for emphasize it a bit: You start with Fiona grants her something - and ends with it. Perhaps you could give the option to give the chocolate to her son more chance (e.g. he comes with pitches knee, or showing her more doing everything for her kid). And one little thing with the order, where it would be more thinking about it. Just as a suggestion: Brandon: Is that the last chocolate? Fiona swallows. Fiona: Yes. Brandon: You said you would give me one! She examines the remaining chocolate in her hand. She looks back at Brandon. Brandon glares at her. Unless it‘s Fiona‘s scene, it‘s Brandon accusing her, you could also show his reaction and ending the scene on her. But this depends how many room you should give him as a protagonist. Hope, this is helpful for you. (and me not being too critical) Bests

I really did - and credit where credit is due. I think we sometimes get too caught up in format and rules, when the secret of any great writing is great characters and great stories - and that isn't easy in just two pages, so I think you did a fantastic job. Imperfect format can easily be overcame with a fun and interesting story.

FEEDBACK 7 Let me see, two boys in their 20s argue about a lost sock. Not money, a girlfriend/boyfriend, or something of more value, but a sock. I get the impression that there is something else going on between them. I think if you could hint to that underlying thing it would make the scene stronger and more interesting to read.

Right, underlying it's about the girl--not sufficiently clear, is it? Well, it's really about what happens to lost socks. Accursed raccoons... Thanks for your comments, Shari.

Perhaps it's my age category, but this dialog doesn't quite work for me for some reason. It seems unlikely to me. A little quibble, dollars aren't usually depicted this way. (8th comment)

I like that this is so off-beat and it makes me want to see how this would look with good casting on screen. The characters have good unique voices and your descriptions add to but don't overwhelm the scene. Even the names were well-selected. I really can't find anything to quibble about except maybe "raising ears in shock," but I'm reaching for that. I would definitely be interested in reading your scenes again! My 9th comment

Could you describe it a bit more, please? Is it the wording of the dialogue or the total scene or the setting or? And if it's the dialogue is it what they say or the way how they do it? Thanks

Scene 8 INT. WILSON KITCHEN – NIGHT JAY WILSON (40) walks into a dimly lit typical family kitchen. Kid’s artwork covers the refrigerator, lunch packs are on the counter. Jay opens the freezer and roots around. He closes the door, looks around and spots the ice cream container. Melted ice cream leaks onto the counter. Jay, hands on hips, sighs in exasperation. JAY: Carson! Emma! Get down here! Carson, (13), and Emma, (5), skid into the room. Emma clutches a large plush swan. JAY (pointing to the ice cream): What is this? Carson and Emma look at each other. CARSON: Ice cream. JAY: I know that. What’s it doing out on the counter? Which one of you left it out? Carson and Emma look at each other again. JAY: Well? CARSON: It wasn’t me I just got home. I was at Brad’s. Mrs. Alcorn dropped me off. JAY: It was clearly left out hours ago, so no alibi. (looking at Emma) And you? EMMA: I’ve been in my room having a tea party with Missy Swan. JAY: That’s it? That’s your alibi? A stuffed animal? MICHELLE WILSON, (38), walks in the door, looking questioningly at the trio as she puts her purse on the counter. MICHELLE: What’s going on? JAY: One of these culprits left the ice cream out and it’s melted. Behind the kid’s backs Michelle tries to signal to Jay to be quiet. JAY: They’re a crafty duo. But I’ll get to the bottom of this. Jay paces in front of the kids, sizing them up with sideways glances. Michelle gestures more wildly. Jay finally notices. Michelle points to herself and mouths “it was me.” JAY: Right. Ok. (looking at kids) Just so you know in future if one of you leaves the ice cream out, this is the kind of inquiry you can expect. You’ve been warned. Off you go. Carson and Emma leave the room shaking their heads. MICHELLE: Maybe it would be a good idea if you took a break from watching crime dramas. Two, three weeks maybe? JAY: Good idea.

Feedback #6 Katha, I’m not sure I agree with Liz’s feedback about the dialogue, but maybe that’s because I’m a DIYer. I do think there are some proofreading issues that may have led to her comments. I know people say the first time you read something you should read for the story and suspend criticism, but some of your typos interfered with my reading. For example, “heroine” is the female version of “hero,” if you’re referring to the drug then the spelling is “heroin.” It only took me half a beat to realize what you meant, but that still took me out of the story. Similarly, “Fred caress the wool, then he stops if it have given him an electric shock.” Again, the typos took me out of the story. The final comment Liz made about dollar depiction I think referred to the use of a period instead of a comma for 15,000. You know what you’re trying to write so it’s easy to miss typos. A technique that works for me is reading my work out loud. On the positive side, I liked the twist at the end where it’s Fred and not his mother that created the granny-square pillows. And as a DIYer I found the scene humorous because DIY can definitely become an addiction. Keep going! Susan

Yes, Katha, please see Susan Dean's comment which I think is helpful here. Reading aloud helps me too, I think:)

sorry for the typos. But it's a relief that it seems to me they made most of the trouble. Reading aloud helps me too - but unfortunately not so much in English, which is neither my mother-tongue nor have I lived in an English speaking countries. Especially with "false friends" like heroin I miss it sometimes. Though I should know especially because of heroine which is in screenwriting literature quite often. And also with the 15,000 because it's also in international budgets. Sorry again. And thanks for reading, I try to make it better.

FEEDBACK 10 Dear Susan, great idea. And I love the swan as a witness. Funny scene and well written, but I hope it‘s okay, that I still searching for improvement. Depending on how much comedy it should be: You could give the dad a more CSI-kind behaviour (e.g. searching for fingerprints or for ice-cream-spots on the kid‘s cloths) You miss the option for a good argument between Jay and Michelle and his last sentence weakens the scene a bit. I would tend to clip it and end on Michelle‘s last words. Would he give in so easy? He might, if it would be totally obvious, that he is over the top (perhaps with the comic stuff). But that depends on what will happen next. Perhaps it would be possible, that the answer to „whodunit“ comes later. Jay could ignore the fact, that Michelle confesses, because the evidence are against it. If Jay behaves like that more often, the reaction of the kids could be more embarrassed (especially for the 13-year-old) or trying to follow their dad‘s argumentation. You plant it now with their looks, but their might be more potential in it. Hope, my comments are helpful. Bests

Katha, This is great feedback. I don't really feel like I'm good at writing comedy so I tend to hold back. Your comments helped me see how I could have taken this further. I especially like the idea of looking for fingerprints. On another note, now that I know English isn't your first language I'm really impressed by how well you do. I'm curious though, is your ultimate goal to write screenplays in your country or are you hoping to break into the English speaking market? Susan

Hi Susan, I'm glad that my feedback is helpful to you. I know these thoughts about writing comedy. But one thought helps me a lot: Comedy and drama both come out of going to the edges. Sometimes it is taking your own idea very seriously - and that makes the joke. So clip your fears :) (perhaps another suggestion: You could also play around a bit with the suspense / expectations of the audience which job Carson has and his wording. perhaps his behavior could seem to be a "work illness" for some time - but he is accountant or stuff like this in real life.) Thanks for your complement, I blushes a bit, it don't feel like that. The domestic market is hard enough. English speaking market... perhaps, when I'm old and grey, or there is an international coproduction with a good native speaking co-author. It's not just about the language. For example, the scene I wrote today I'm not sure how tickets for parking violation work in the USA. Normally Europeans can be glad to sell the remake rights. Bests, Katha

Scene #6 EXT. -- PLAYGROUND – DAY BRENDON (6) is a meaty kid for his age, robust and solid. He dangles lazily on a swing, pivoting around on a tippy toe, which is planted in the sand below him. He is sad. JACKIE (late 20s) stands beside the swing. She looks hungry, with teased out bleached blonde hair and a cigarette burning down between her fingers. Brendon pulls his foot back and kicks at the sand. A little puff of sand erupts. Brendon pulls his foot back farther and kicks more vigorously. This time he aims. Score! He douses Jackie’s right foot in sand. Jackie jumps back. JACKIE: Brendon. What the fuck? Brendon, determined, pulls his foot back again for a follow-up kick. Jackie throws her cigarette to the ground. She tackles Brendon around the waist, lifts him up, and then places him down on the ground. She is stronger than she looks. JACKIE (CONT’D): What is wrong with you? Brendon takes off toward the jungle gym. Jackie follows. She is fast. She tackles him again and they both end up on the ground. JACKIE (CONT’D): You little monster. Jackie is mad now. She holds Brendon down until he stops fighting. There is a crowd starting to form around them. JACKIE (CONT’D): What’s wrong? Why you acting so crazy? Brendon stands up. Tears streak down his face. BRENDON: You are a terrible mother! Jackie freezes. JACKIE: What? BRENDON: You. Are. A. Terrible. Mother. The crowd is murmuring now, pointing fingers. Someone laughs out loud. Brendon sees something behind Jackie. He takes off again. He runs toward a blue SUV in the parking lot. A well-dressed woman in her 30’s gets out of the SUV and Brendon throws himself into her arms. They are too far away to hear what they are saying. JACKIE: (to herself) God damn it! Jackie gets up and brushes grass off her rear end. JACKIE (CONT’D): (loud, to the crowd) I am not his mother, alright. I’m just the babysitter. Jackie stalks off toward Brendon, his mother, and the blue SUV.

SCENE 07 INT. BEDROOM, URBAN INDIA - NIGHT MAYA - twenties - sleeps fitfully in a dark room. Her silhouette is appealing, very feminine. Her middle-aged AUNT sleeps beside her. An open window by the bedside blows in night breeze and light rain. A raindrop falls on Maya’s face, wakes her. Her eyes open. She sees a FORM sitting on the window ledge, holding SOMETHING close. Maya rubs her eyes, very slowly sits up. It’s a female form in a faded sari. Cloth covers half her face. Now the wind picks up, WHISTLING. The from approaches Maya. We see that she is holding a swaddled BABY against her chest. Maya begins to shrink away, but there is nowhere to go. Maya turns to her aunt. Fast asleep. Maya CROAKS out something unintelligible. Her voice evades her. More raindrops fly in, streaking Maya’s face. She tries to shield herself. She looks at the raindrops, freezes. We see they are blood red. Maya begins to SCREAM. Maya’s aunt sleeps soundly beside her, bone dry. Maya attempts to move, but her body doesn’t cooperate. The form holds out the baby to Maya. It is dead still. MAYA (screaming, swatting): Get away! Get away from me! But the form keeps bringing the dead baby closer to Maya. Maya starts to sob. MAYA: What do you want. Please. Stop. Please no. The form stops. FORM: Look at what you did. The form unswaddles the baby. CLOSE ON Maya as she looks and SHRIEKS with all her might. Maya stumbles off the bed, begins to crawl away. MAYA: Who are you? Who are you! The form lifts the cloth off her face slowly. It’s Maya. Maya puts her hand over her stomach, closes her eyes, SCREAMS. Maya wakes with a start, clutching her stomach. She looks around the room. Nothing. Her aunt’s light SNORES fill the room. Maya looks out the window at the rain and weeps.

FEEDBACK 08 Hey Zty, I like the cheeky tone of this piece, but in my head I kept picturing a chocolate commercial. Maybe that's not a bad thing. You've written a self-contained scene that takes on the prompt with humor. I would totally do what Fiona does :D Thanks for the read!

Feedback 9 This scene has some powerful imagery. Great stuff. There is definitely an accusation here, and I almost think that you could leave it unspoken. The figure lifting the cloth and showing the baby is enough for the audience to get what the accusation is without the line "look at what you did." Just my opinion. Either way, it works.

Scene 9 INT. BEDROOM - DAY KYLEE (40's) crouches on the floor, an array of photographs spread before her. She covers her mouth, overwhelmed by the memories. MALE VOICE (O.S.): Mom? Kylee JOLTS, dropping the photograph she was holding, her hand flying to her heart. She looks up to see her son, JADEN (17), standing in the doorway. KYLEE: God. You startled me. Home early? JADEN: Yeah. KYLEE: Where's Dylan? JADEN: Dropped him off at a friend's house on the way home. Jaden squints at the mess of photographs on the floor, stepping towards Kylee. Kylee slyly hides a few of the photos behind her back, biting back a nervous giggle. Jaden sighs. JADEN: Let me guess. Baby pictures? Kylee chuckles, producing a photo from behind her back. She holds it up -- A YOUNG JADEN (3) making a goofy, tongue-sticking-out face. KYLEE: Look at your face. You always made funny faces. We could never get you to wear a straight expression for the camera. Jaden snorts, disbelieving. He sits down beside Kylee, peering at the photos. JADEN: There's got to be one normal picture of me. KYLEE: Once your brother came into the world, there was no getting you to cooperate. You were always trying to make Dylan laugh. He thought it was hilarious, of course. Kylee pushes photographs around on the floor, sorting through them. KYLEE: Look at this one. How sweet. This was taken a few hours after you were born. JADEN'S FATHER HOLDING HIM, SMILING WANLY. Kylee's face falls. She sighs, clears her throat. Jaden's smile fades, sensing something off about his mother. His eyes track to -- A SHOEBOX OF PHOTOGRAPHS. A HALF-PACKED CONTAINER OF JEWELRY. DRAWERS OPEN, CLOTHES HANGING OUT. Jaden and Kylee meet each other’s gazes. A question hangs in the air. JADEN: You're leaving, aren't you?

Thanks very much for reading, Katie. I was wondering whether the message would be clear without the line but couldn't be sure, so your feedback takes care of that. Thanks again!