SCENE 1 INT: A LOCAL BAR, EARLY EVENING A group of guys are hanging out at the bar. They are clearly blue-collar/construction workers. Each un-tucked and un-buttoned shirt has a patch on the front that says “VommComm.” C.J., mid-40s, balding, burly & loud, is holding court. He has a shot glass in one hand and a beer in the other. C.J.: To the hardest workin’, ball bustin’ bunch of bastards a guy could work with! As they all laugh and raise their drinks, C.J. stops them. C.J. (CONT’D): I would stick my dick in a live wire for yous guys. C.J. looks over at JIMMY, a young, twitchy, bug-eyed worker who has probably been electrocuted more than once. C.J. (CONT’D): Hell, Jimmy did! They all laugh again and down their shots. Through the bar window, C.J. sees a black Mercedes pull up. The bar door swings open and in walks DOMINIC, a stressed-out mid-30s exec with his tie loosened. He hurries to the closest bar stool, which is next to C.J. DOMINIC: Gin martini please. C.J. Ain’t you the VP of Communications? DOMINIC notices C.J.’s shirt. DOMINIC: Oh, uh, yes I am. Hi I’m Dominic. C.J.(yelling out): Hey yous guys! The VP of Comm for VommComm! It’s Dom! HAHA! DOMINIC: Dominic actually. Have we met? C.J.: I go to the shareholders meetings. DOMINIC(surprised): You own stock in VommComm? C.J.: Why wouldn’t I? DOMINIC: Um, well, someone of your skill set isn’t exactly... C.J. glares at him. DOMINIC (CONT’D)(getting nervous): No! I mean of course you do! Yeah! No, no no no no no no no. Yeah, no. C.J.: Are you also shocked that I would sell a covered call against my shares for the July 1st expiration at the $32 strike price, with a Bid of $1.50? DOMINIC: I have no idea what you just said. C.J.: Harvard educations ain’t what they used to be, huh? DOMINIC: I went to Pennsylvania. Class of- C.J.(yelling out): Yous guys! Dom couldn’t even get into Brown! He’s a Penn grad! They all laugh loudly. Shouts of “Dumbass!”, “You shit!”, “Friggin’ Penn?” are heard from the guys. DOMINIC, embarrassed, slams his drink and runs out the door. C.J. (CONT’D)(yelling after him): Don’t forget to liquidate your Individual 401k and roll it over into a Roth, ya dumb prick! All the guys are laughing out of control as we FADE OUT.

SCENE 1 INT. BOARDROOM - NIGHT A custodian, DONALD, flips the switch on. The room is nearly spotless, save for the pile of ripped and crumpled papers strewn below the interactive whiteboard on the far side of the room. Donald rolls his eyes. He exits the room and returns, wheeling a trash can behind him. He sweeps the papers up. Then he looks around. Seeing no one, he takes a seat at the table. He pulls out his smartphone. INT. OFFICE SPACE - CONTINUOUS A tired woman in a pants suit, ELANA, sits at her desk. She stares out through the clear wall dividing her office from the cubicles. Her eyes meet the open boardroom door with the light shining out. Her brow furrows as she arises from her desk. INT. BOARDROOM - CONTINUOUS Donald flips through Facebook posts. He leans back in his seat. He's startled as Elana's heavy heeled footsteps approach the doorway. She meets his eyes, squints, and flares her nostrils. ELANA: I doubt Angry Birds is in your job description. Donald hesitates. He places his phone face down on the table and arises from the seat. DONALD: It was just some internet nonsense to pass the time. ELANA: Well then. I'm sure that must be in your job description, hmm? Donald grabs his phone and places it back into his uniform pocket. DONALD: Y'know... Donald circles around the table towards Elana. She doesn't falter. DONALD: You could wipe away that constipated look of yours... Elana feigns annoyance. DONALD: And get down to my level. But you probably don't know how to kick back. Life isn't about results y'know. ELENA: Right. And life isn't about pretending you're important. Donald scowls. Elena shows her first sign of weakness by rubbing away the budding insomnia in her drooping eyes. ELENA: I don't care about what you do with that glorified time waster in your pocket. I've had to make decisions today. Decisions affecting much more than laborers like you. Just, please, respect the sanctity of this room for me. Elena grins her tight lips and leaves the room. Donald rolls his eyes. He approaches the trash can, his shovel, and his broom. He looks at the mess of it all. He turns back to the open door. INT. OFFICE SPACE - CONTINUOUS The lights inside the boardroom shut out. The door of the boardroom slams shut in the background as Elena keeps her stride towards her office. Elena looks back to the boardroom as she approaches her own door. Everything around it, including all of the cubicles, are dead. INT. BOARDROOM - CONTINUOUS A light shines in the corner of the room. It's revealed to be from Donald's smartphone. He places the phone on the desk. Donald digs through the trash and pulls out all of the papers he had just cleaned up. He places the papers across his side of the table. The papers are unreadable until he shines the phone's light on each page. Countless negative numbers and red lines fill them. Donald takes pictures. CUT TO BLACK.

FEEDBACK 1 Saying, "They are clearly blue-collar/construction workers." doesn't actually tell the person reading the script anything of value, since the statement is an inference rather than a visual or auditory cue. The line following does the job for you. The line, "who has probably been electrocuted more than once" is also a victim of being to inferential and unnecessary due to that. You might want to avoid the overt stereotypical dialogue for the workers, even if the punchline is a subversion of those stereotypes. Subtlety is key more most characters, as you should avoid caricatures. The "workin'", "bustin'", and "yous" part is what stands out as the major errors in overt stereotypical language for blue-collar workers. Other than that this is pretty good.

Thanks Trent! Everything you said makes sense. I appreciate the feedback.

FEEDBACK 6 Hey Trent, great scene. I love the power play between the two and the way it switches. Could see this easily as an opening scene or even a closing scene as a punchline. Thinking about the dialogue, I was wondering whether there was anyway to change up some of the language to make the distinction between the supposed status of the characters - although you could end up straying into stereotype - perhaps the equal footing is a nice hint to the audience that the power balance isn't quite as one-sided as Elena thinks? I enjoyed that, thanks for sharing!

FEEDBACK 6 Hey Trent, great scene. I love the power play between the two and the way it switches. Could see this easily as an opening scene or even a closing scene as a punchline. Thinking about the dialogue, I was wondering whether there was anyway to change up some of the language to make the distinction between the supposed status of the characters – although you could end up straying into stereotype – perhaps the equal footing is a nice hint to the audience that the power balance isn’t quite as one-sided as Elena thinks? I enjoyed that, thanks for sharing!

SCENE 5 EXT. IMPOSING BUSINESS COMPLEX - DAY Early morning. ANNA, a smart, suited and powerful looking business woman steps out of an equally imposing executive vehicle. Walking across the grounds she passes TED, an elderly gardener tending his rose beds. She watches him for a moment, deep in thought. Ted doesn't look up. TED: Penny for them Ma'am? Anna jolts, daydream broken. ANNA: Simplicity. TED: Sorry Ma'am? He turns to her, leaning on the shaft of his spade. ANNA: Gardening. The simplicity is attractive. TED: No ma'am, even this little rose bed is a hive of activity, danger and worry. Anna laughs gently at Ted. TED: Your type never gets it. This bed is a carefully balanced system, not just anyone can keep these beauties alive. ANNA (touchy): My type? It's not life changing though is it? I have decisions to make, people to fire and hire... people I know and like... sometimes I just want for a simple life. TED: No need to mock me ma'am. This here bed takes as much thought and care as hiring and firing in your fancy boardroom -- Do you know what this is? He holds up a small white flower. ANNA: It's a daisy. Ted crushes it in his hand. TED: It's a weed. It may look pretty to you miss, but if I let it grow, leave it untended, it'll spread like wildfire, suck up all the nutrients in my soil and choke out the roses. ANNA: I used to make daisy chains when I was a child, they're pretty. TED: Aye, they's pretty... and that's why they're dangerous. It might not be popular, but sometimes you just have to make a choice. Cut out one pretty weed to promote the even prettier flower. ANNA: I can't tell the difference half the time - flowers and weeds. TED: Most can't Ma'am. Takes years of experience. When I were younger I hadn't a clue, but you learn from others, figure it out as you go along. Early on, you just have to accept... sometimes you may make a mistake. ANNA: Cut out the rose? TED: Well, I would never do that... but some might... some may prefer the daisy. You just need to know your garden, what works, and what doesn't; figure out what you want to nurture. It's the long game miss... prune and weed now to let your garden thrive in the future. Anna smiles. ANNA: Not so simple then? Ted smiles back. TED: No miss, not so simple. It's hard work in the beginning, but it gets easier if you get it right at the start. ANNA: Thanks Ted. Ted chuckles lightly in surprise. TED: You know old Ted's name? ANNA: Everyone knows you Ted. He smiles. ANNA: The wise man... TED: T'ain't nothin' miss. Anna pulls out her cellphone and speed dials a number. She speaks into the phone. ANNA: Corey? Yep, I'm ready... call the board up, we'll meet at eleven. She paces off, leaving Ted to his roses. TED: (to the roses) Youngsters! Sometimes, they just need to stop and smell the roses. He picks up a small garden fork and turns over the soil by his roses.

Thanks for the feedback. I was worried the dialogue may not have been distinct enough based on the characters' backgrounds, so thanks for pointing it out.

SCENE 5 INT. OFFICE - DAY KRISTIN, 23, sits hunched over a computer in a cubicle. She’s hammering away at the keyboard, muttering to herself. GEORGE, early 30s, carries a ladder through the office. He sets it down on the floor with a thud, right behind Kristin’s desk. He clatters and squeaks as he sets up the ladder and takes out his tools. KRISTIN: Excuse me? GEORGE: Yeah? KRISTIN: Can you not? GEORGE: Can I not what? KRISTIN (gesturing to his tools): I’m trying to work. GEORGE: So am I. He climbs up the ladder, pops out the ceiling tile, shines a flashlight up. He gets to work, noisily. KRISTIN: I’m sorry. This is just too distracting. Can you go somewhere else? GEORGE: I can. But the problem’s still going to be over here. And something tells me you won’t be too busy for me when the leak’s dripping on you. Kristin sighs. KRISTIN: How long will you be? GEORGE: Depends. KRISTIN: On? GEORGE: On what the problem is. He goes back to his work. Kristin glares at him, but he pays no attention. Finally, she turns back to her computer. She pokes at the keys a little more, her staccato typing mixing with the noise George is making behind her. Suddenly, she groans. KRISTIN: Oh, my god. GEORGE: What’s your problem now? KRISTIN: Stupid computer isn’t working. George regards her for a moment, then hops down off the ladder and comes over. He looks at the screen, then reaches for the mouse. KRISTIN (CNTD): What are you doing? George double-clicks something. KRISTIN (CNTD): What are you doing?! He ignores her, keeps clicking, then types. He turns back to her. GEORGE: All fixed. You’re welcome. Kristin looks at the computer, then stares at him. GEORGE (CNTD): What? Kristin closes her mouth and returns to her work. George gets back up on the ladder. GEORGE (CNTD): I have a college degree, too, you know. KRISTIN: Excuse me? GEORGE: I couldn’t find a job when I got out of school. Took what I could get, same as you. KRISTIN: We are NOT the same. GEORGE: Oh, really? KRISTIN: Really. GEORGE: Then what the hell are you doing here? He starts an electric drill before she can respond.

Feedback 2 I really like the way the characters play off of each other in this scene. Maybe punch up the dialogue a little bit, increase the tension between the two of them?

Scene 04 EXT. GARDEN - DAY A wizened man, with the air of someone who saw many Springs come and go--MACTAVISH (60s)--and ERNEST (30s), the air of a man who wanders through life. MACTAVISH Roses!? ERNEST Roses, MacTavish. MACTAVISH There are no lassies here, what do you want roses for? Helping with your scribbling? ERNEST Roses aren't just for women, I like roses. MACTAVISH What? Them's good for those damn english. Ernest's face grows cold and stern. ERNEST I'm one of those damn english. MACTAVISH Och. You're not trying to tell me you'd prefer... pansies? ERNEST I'm appalled by your prejudices and stereotypes. MACTAVISH What stereos? I have no music here. ERNEST Stereotypes. A conventional, formulaic, and oversimplified conception of a person or group. MACTAVISH Is that so? Well, I'm a cranky Scottish gardener, I'm allowed stereotypes. Ernest's shoulder sag, discouraged. ERNEST You're not suggesting I should plant thistles? Hand caressing chin, MacTavish considers the matter.

FEEDBACK 1 Very cool. I love this scene! I agree with Mark in the fact that the "wipe away that constipated look of yours" made it a little unclear who's calling the shots. Then again, maybe that's the whole point and you just gave us a taste. Great details (light from the phone in the dark room) that really brought out the visuals. I can picture this entire scene unfolding. Nice job.

To be honest, the dialogue works regardless, I was probably desperate for something to say because the scene was so well written!

SCENE 3 EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT PAUL (late 30’s) slams the door of his dusty truck shut behind him. The house he’s in front of emits a warm, homey glow. He looks up at the house and breaths in a lungful of fresh air. He pulls out a cigarette and lights up. The front door opens. JENNIFER (late 30s) pokes her head out the door. She sees Paul, his back towards her. She lets the door swing back again, but then thinks better of it. She steps outside. Jennifer: Paul? Paul turns. He drops his cigarette and steps on it. Paul: Oh, hi. Jennifer crosses her arms. Jennifer: Aren’t you going to come in? Paul: Yeah. He shoves his hands in his pockets and strides to the front door. He gathers Jennifer into a hug and buries his nose in her neck. Paul: Ah. You smell like copier fluid and air conditioning. I love it. Jennifer laughs, pushing him back. Jennifer: You could always come back to the office you know. I miss working with you. Paul: No. This is good for me. For us. Jennifer nods and smiles, but can’t hide the little wrinkle of worry between her brows. She takes his hand and pulls him into the house.

FEEDBACK 3 I really like the way this scene subverts expectations. The irony of the VP of communications having such a hard time communicating with his blue collar colleagues is a nice touch too!

FEEDBACK I love your take on this prompt. A casual talk between a gardener and a business woman provides the latter some life wisdom and provides her a perspective on how she can tackle something that has been on her mind. I think we've all experienced such a casual conversation in our life that teaches us something. I don't have something to say that could improve the scene.

Hi Shari, thanks for the kind comments!

Scene 2 INT. FRANKLN CUTZ - DAY Two BARBERS man the not too busy shop. In the first chair sits FRANKLIN (50s) reading a newspaper. The next chair has an OLD GUY getting a shave by FLEX (30s). Franklin flips the page and folds it for better viewing. The door DINGS as JEFFERY (30s) enters the shop wearing a suit and tie. JEFFERY: Morning gentleman. The guys all nod and wave. FRANKLIN: Chair one is open reverend. Flex holds his laugh in through a toothy grin. JEFFERY:Thanks. Franklin folds his paper setting it aside and wipes off the chair. Jeffery sits. JEFFERY: Light taper please. And I'm not a reverend. FRANKLIN: Oh I’m sorry Bud, just saw that sharp suit and started assuming. Flex stands in front of the old guy hold a straight razor FLEX:Yeah, most people come in looking that clean are preachers or work for the board of health. They all laugh. JEFFERY:Thanks for the compliment. But I’m just an accountant, a book keeper really. Franklin throws a cape in front of Jeffery and turns on his clippers. He cuts from the nape of the neck up. FRANKLIN:So you believe in budgeting, keeping things balanced. FLEX:Oh, here we go mister accountant! Hope you don’t have any ideas on that drug testing for government assistance. JEFFERY:Actually I do have a few thoughts on the program. FRANKLIN:Ah, it’s about time we got someone wit some thoughts and ideas in this chair. Jeffery turns toward Flex which jolts Franklin’s hand back. He turns Jeffery’s head forward. FRANKLIN:Keep ya head still. JEFFERY:Don’t the both of you think that this change in the program is going after the people the program was started to help. FRANKLIN:Say what? JEFFERY:The poor. This change will have a drastic effect on the poor. The down and out who are looking for a little escape. FRANKLIN:So they can’t pay for food on their own but it’s OK with you if they buy smack. JEFFERY:I’m not advocating for Smack purchasing. But I do feel that most companies never test an employee after they’re first hired. So with that line of thinking maybe the government should test new applicants. Then if there is an accident or someone commits a crime, then test again. Franklin lips curl with tightness. FLEX:Thoughts and ideas you say.

Scene 6 INT. JIMMY’S BAR – NIGHT MIKE, (46), hair creased from his hard hat, sits at a crowded bar. The patrons are mostly men still in their blue-collar work clothes. The bartender hands Mike a beer. Mike holds the bottle to his forehead before drinking. TONY, (37), sits next to Mike. Tony’s haircut, suit, watch all look expensive. Mike looks him over. MIKE: You lost or somethin’? Tony smiles briefly and shakes his head. MIKE: Your car break down? TONY: No. Just one of those days that makes you want to return to your roots. (turns to Mike) I grew up about three blocks from here. MIKE: No kiddin’? TONY: No kidding. My dad used to come here after work. Just one… before heading home. Mike catches the bartender’s attention, holds up his beer and points to Tony. MIKE: What’s his name? TONY: Paul. Paul Garcia. MIKE: Paul? No way. Paul was foreman on my first construction job. (shakes his head smiling) I was just a kid then, Paul showed me the ropes. Great guy. Sure was sorry to hear he passed away. TONY: So was I. The bartender puts a beer in front of Tony. TONY: Thanks. MIKE: Man, he talked about you all the time. How smart you were. How you were really going to make something out of your life. TONY: (smiling) He worked a lot of overtime for a lot of years to make sure I went to college. (smile fades, a haunted look takes over) Not that it’s going to matter now. MIKE: Hey, can’t be that bad. Tony looks at Mike, sizing him up. He takes a flash drive out of his pocket turning it around in his hand. TONY: I’m in finance. Walker and Burroughs. MIKE: I heard of ‘em. Man, you’re runnin’ with the big dogs. TONY: (still staring at flash drive) I found something today. Something I shouldn’t have seen, something I wish I hadn’t seen. Two men wearing masks burst into the bar. Tony gets up and faces them. He shakes his head and mouths “no.” One of the men pulls out a gun and shoots Tony. Tony falls to the ground. The other man goes through Tony’s pockets while the shooter covers the crowd with his gun. MAN: He ain’t got it. SHOOTER: Let’s go. The two men quickly leave the bar. Mike stares at Tony’s body, visibly shaken. His hand is closed in a fist. Slowly, he opens his hand and looks at the flash drive.

Feedback # 5 Zty, Let’s get the negative comments out of the way first. I felt like this scene was just starting and then it was over. It might work in the context of a screenplay where there are other scenes supporting it but when you only get to read one scene it raises questions that aren’t answered. What is the conflict/tension? Is it that he’s blue-collar and she’s white collar? He could come back to the office, so why did he leave? Is his changing jobs a problem? Her nod implies that she agrees that “this is good for me. For us,” but she’s worried. What is she worried about? You’re only at about 1 page so you had a lot more room to flesh some of this out. On to the positive (Hooray!): This is a sweet, tender scene. You’ve managed in a very short amount of time to establish the loving relationship between Paul and Jennifer. Nicely done! I wanted all the questions I had in the above paragraph answered so in other words I wanted to know more about these characters. Good job on that. Looking forward to reading more of your posts, Susan

FEEDBACK #2 Susan I like the "hair creased from his hard hat." It says a lot without using many words. You have a knack for that. I understood the mood of the scene immediately. A neighborhood bar, blue collar place, white collar guy is nervous, etc. Great job creating the world/characters quickly. The only part that was confusing was mouthing the word "no." Was he mouthing it to himself or to the gunmen? If it's to the gunmen then I don't think he needs to mouth it; he can just say it out loud. I received a note from someone once that said (I'm paraphrasing here) "anytime you can create suspense, do it." What if the gunman walked up to Tony first before shooting him? Perhaps a small, suspenseful moment? Or perhaps the bartender pulls a gun afterward and there's a quick tense moment before they get away? Just a thought. Great job. Very mysterious. It leaves the audience with a whole lot of unanswered questions that we would want to have answered (i.e. I want to read more and find out!) Very cool. - Greg

Greg, Thanks for the feedback. On re-reading the mouthing of the word "no" bit I agree with you. It is a bit awkward. I like the idea of the bartender pulling a gun. It make sense that he would have one. In fact, it makes more sense that the bartender would defend his bar rather than remain passive. I wish I would have thought of that! Thanks for the insight. Susan

Hi Susan, You're right, there's a lot going on between these two that goes beyond this scene. I would hope that if I continued with these characters I would clarify everything without too much exposition...

SCENE 03 INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT JED and TARA lie on a bed in an economy motel room with dated furniture. Him - shirtless, her - in underwear. Dim lighting. Tara looks way out of this place’s league. Jed looks right at home. He is handsome, very male. Jed suddenly mounts Tara. JED: Do I need to tell you who’s in control here or should I just show you? Tara starts to laugh, a rich sound. He pulls her hair and she stops. Wide-eyed. JED: Why don’t you look at me like that when you’re telling me where you want your work desk placed...Mrs. Waterson? TARA: Shhh...the walls are thin in here! JED: Is there any place you’re ever going to feel safe with me? Tara’s eyes soften. She strokes Jed’s cheek. He moves in for a kiss. Her cellphone rings. She scrambles for it. Jed can hardly believe this. TARA: Hello? Yes it is. (listens briefly, cuts off the caller) I’m sorry, my assistant usually deals with this kind of thing. Tara cuts the call. She looks at Jed. He’s pouring himself a drink. Moody. Tara goes to him and slips her arms around him. TARA: It could have been important. JED: Yeah. Tara puts on an expensive silk blouse, talks while buttoning it. TARA: Jed, don’t ruin this. We get one night a month. JED: I’m ruining it? Do you see me taking calls? Tara crosses her arms and stares at Jed. JED: What is that supposed to mean? TARA: Nothing. Tara starts walking towards the bathroom. Jed hounds her. JED: Don’t walk away like that. Just say it. Tara’s phone rings again. She goes for it. So does Jed. He gets it first. Tara snatches it from him. She takes the call. TARA: Tara Waterson. Yes! Mr. Kim. She listens, laughs, diplomatic. Jed is hurt, angry. TARA: Right now? Hmm... (moves away from Jed) Oh no. No, really, it’s no bother. Sooner the better. A lot riding on this. She hangs up and starts dressing. Jed sits on the bed, watches quietly. She finishes, goes to the mirror. She puts on lipstick, looks good as new. She makes her way to the room door. Stops, looks at Jed for a beat. She shrugs. TARA: It's my job, Jed. This is how it is. She leaves. CU on Jed as the door CLICKS shut.

FEEDBACK 03 Hey Kara, I liked your scene quite a lot. It's funny and moving, both of which are hard to do, more so when you have to set context in just one scene. Kristin seems like a bitch, if that's what you were going for? Only one comment about her line, "Can you go somewhere else?" - makes her seem dumb, since she should be aware of the problem above her workstation. So it seems like too convenient a set-up for the following witty line where he says, "I can but the problem's still going to be over here…" I feel this scene could almost work in a romantic comedy/dramedy with a nice character arc for Kristin, from bitchy white collar city girl to finding her better self with romance and help from George. Thanks for the entertaining read!

SCENE 10 EXT. FACTORY FLOOR - DAY SAM (40) with finespun suit and his son CHRISTOPHER (6) with a Bob, the Builder, T-Shirt goes down a floor. On one side are doors to a factory, where you can hear noise of working machine and men. Christopher looks longingly inside the factory. SAM: Christopher ... my office is over there. CHRISTOPHER: I‘ve already been there. The „bring your child to work day“ should be something special. SAM: But I work in the office. CHRISTOPHER: You always tell people that you built tractors. He bumps with his feet to the ground, defiantly biting on his lip. SAM: Okay. INT. FACTORY HALL - DAY Christopher has a triumphant look on his face. Forman JASON (42) - with blue working trousers, an old Metallica-T-Shirt and a lumberjack shirt - shows the boy how to move the compression‘s crane by pressing different buttons. CHRISTOPHER: Will it explode, if I press the red one? JASON: Perhaps. I‘ve never had the balls to do it myself. The two of them laugh over their common joke. SAM: Nonsense. It won‘t explode. (directly to his son) Don‘t tell such rubbish at school. CHRISTOPHER: I know, Dad. The happy look on his face is totally gone. JASON: The boy have phantasy. SAM: The „bring your child to work day“ is not about fantasies. It‘s about hard work. JASON: Your welcome here. SAM: What do you mean by this? JASON: Nothing, just, that I‘m glad, you visit us with your son. He shows Christopher another button, where the crane rapidly goes up to the ceiling. Christopher smiles again. CHRISTOPHER: And what if, you would be a children‘s author? SAM: What? CHRISTOPHER: Then it would be about fantasy.