SCENE 10 INT. VAN - DAY PHIL, 42, and RAB, 39 sit in a stationary black van. They're both in matching overalls. PHIL So, we're going to clean? RAB Clean up. PHIL Is that what they say? RAB Aye, clean up it is. PHIL What do I do? RAB Just point that gun. Phil sighs, gazes at the bank across the road. PHIL This is my first time. RAB Just take it easy. PHIL I'm scared we'll get caught. RAB Don't be. Done it before. PHIL When? RAB Never you mind, while back. Rab reaches into the glove compartment, and pulls out two balaclavas. He tosses one at Phil. PHIL I'm allergic to wool. RAB Tough shit son. PHIL Better than prison, I guess. RAB Aye, you ready? PHIL Suppose so. RAB Let's do it! The two men jump out of the van. EXT. OUTSIDE BANK - DAY They run up the steps. RAB Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! And into the bank. PHIL Robbery! Everyone on the ground! The sound of gunshots punctuates the din of the alarm.

SCENE 4 In a crowded cafe. In the b.g., music. At the bar, a young man and woman. He: I love you. She: What did you say? He: you heard me. She: no, the music is loud. He: yes, you did She: can you repeat it? He: what's the point She: because-- He: you're playing me She: please, one more time He: I love-- She: yes? He points his finger at himself He: me She points her finger at him She: I love 'me', too. He grabs her. He: I love you, idiot And, he kisses her.

Feedback 5 I don't get it. RAB says: Tough shit son. Is Phil his son? But Phil is older than RAB. You would expect that someone who is about to rob a bank takes some time to prepare. The conversation in the van makes it look like they didn't which makes it a bit unbelievable. It would be more convincing if the two people were teenagers who are about to do something stupid on a whim.

Scene 20 (Yes! I did it!) INT. LIVING ROOM – SATURDAY MORNING Brothers Albert (34) and Mitch (32) are playing World of Warcraft on their laptops in the living room. They are both in sweats and clearly awake from the night before. An open pizza box contains the half eaten remnants of last night's dinner... and that morning’s breakfast. The doorbell rings once. Both brothers look at each other expectantly. Another ring. POSTMAN (O.S.): Anybody home? ALBERT: Oh, my God! MITCH: It’s here! Both men are dying to run to the door but neither makes the first move. GRACE (O.S.): Will someone get the door? Both men jump to the door. ALBERT: Just a minute, please! Albert opens the door. POSTMAN: Hello! Got a package for… ALBERT: I’ll sign for it! He scribbles his name in the electronic reader and closes the door on the postman’s face. Both men run with a medium sized box into the living room. They clear the table off and set the box gently on top. They both watch it with a mixture of awe and expectation. ALBERT: You do it. MITCH: You are the eldest. ALBERT: But you found it. MITCH: Are you sure? ALBERT: (Solemnly) It’s your turn. With the precision of a brain surgeon, they carefully open the box. Slowly they unfold the flaps. There it is! Both men gasp with admiration. ALBERT: It’s… so… MITCH: Beautiful ALBERT: Dr. Spock action figure MITCH: 1979 in the box ALBERT: With pouch bag ALBERT & MITCH: (Almost squealing) And phaser! Johnny (7) appears seemingly out of nowhere dressed in his pajamas. JOHNNY: Watcha doing? Both men scream. ALBERT: Johnny. Don’t do that. MITCH: You scared us! JOHNNY: Cool! A new toy! ALBERT: (offended) This… is… not… a… toy MITCH: It’s a collectible! JOHNNY: Mom! Daddy’s not sharing! GRACE (O.S.): Albert! Let Johnny play. ALBERT: These are not toys! GRACE (O.S.): (angrily) ALBERT! ALBERT: OKEY! JOHNNY: So, can I play? ALBERT: Ok, gently take the box… Johnny puts his had inside the large box and quick as lightning pulls out the toy box, rips it open and takes the toy out. The brothers are speechless. JOHNNY: What? ALBERT: Johnny… MITCH: The… box… broken… open… JOHNNY: Uh-oh… Albert tries to repress his rising anger. ALBERT: Go to your room… now Johnny runs out of the room. He meets his mother mid stairs. GRACE: Did you do it? JOHNNY: (Cheerily) Yep GRACE: Like I told you? JOHNNY: Yep. GRACE: Excellent. Grace shakes Johnny’s hair and sends him off upstairs. She peeks towards the living room to see the brothers on their knees gently sobbing in front of their broken idol. Grace: Hope they learned their lesson.

In some cultures (like Scotland, where this is set), people use the word "son" like they would use the word "mate" or "pal". For example, my younger brother might phone me and say "hi son". It's just a colloquialism, to be honest this dialogue challenge has been quite tough for me because I generally write dialogue in Scots or Scottish English and I'm always worried about being misunderstood.

Ricardo, Congrats on completing 20 of 20 dialogue challenges! Woo hoo! I like the nod to the late great Leonard Nimoy who was the one and only Mr. Spock. I enjoyed the man-child behavior and dialogue of Mitch and Albert. The twist worked too, except I felt bad for them and thought what Grace did was mean spirited. The guys were "worshipping" a probably expensive collector's item. It brought them joy. (Especially on this day of Spock's passing.)

SCENE 1 EXT. CHURCH – DAY ELLA LANDY (33) walks through a sea of black suits and dresses to hesitantly approach the widow, DEBRA ROBARDS, 42. ELLA: Mrs Robards? DEBRA: Yes. ELLA: I'm Ella Landy. DEBRA: You knew John? ELLA: We shared the same doctor. DEBRA: Doctor Stephens? ELLA: Yes. DEBRA: Well, thanks for coming. ELLA: I missed the funeral service. DEBRA: You did? ELLA: I was running late. DEBRA: You'll join us after? ELLA: It’s not too awkward? DEBRA: Why would it be? ELLA: Because-- DEBRA (over): Oh. You’re that Ella. ELLA: John and I were— DEBRA: Yes. You loved my husband. ELLA: Very much. DEBRA: Enough to shatter our marriage. ELLA: You rarely spoke to him. DEBRA: Not really your business. ELLA: Occasionally you were violent. Debra paints on a smile for Guests passing by. DEBRA: I’d get angry. ELLA: He’d end up in hospital. DEBRA: He really told you everything. ELLA: And this time-- DEBRA: This time he overdosed. ELLA: Diabetic coma. So people think. DEBRA: Insulin injections can be tricky. ELLA: If someone else administered it. DEBRA: I need to circulate. ELLA: Doctor Stephens told me… DEBRA: That's enough Ella. ELLA: …John’s insulin levels were lethal. DEBRA: Maybe John was an idiot. Beat. ELLA: The reason I’m late… DEBRA: Is because you’re inconsiderate? ELLA: I went through your trash. DEBRA: Delightful. ELLA: I found the insulin injection. DEBRA: And you’re going to--? ELLA: Dust it for your prints. DEBRA: Amateurs don’t leave prints. A moment passes, then... ELLA: So you did inject him? DEBRA: Sorry, my dear. ELLA: Why? He was my world. DEBRA: Because he was your world. Debra looks to the ground, dots back some fake tears and moves over to another group. Ella stands alone.

SCENE THREE MARK sits in a battered arm chair of his dealer's shitty apartment. Across from him are JAY and RAY, two identical twins, dressed identically in baggy jeans and Steelers jerseys. The two men sit next to each other, blankly watching "Gilmore Girls." MARK eyes them skeptically, puffing twice and passing. MARK: You guys are twins, right? JAY: What was your first clue? MARK: You guys do the thing? RAY: The thing? MARK: You know, the thing. JAY: What thing? MARK: The twin thing. The twins shake their heads, disappointed. RAY: We have our own brains. JAY: Yeah, we're our own men. MARK: Right, right. Sorry. The three men sit silently, going 'round the circle. It's obvious that MARK is disappointed. RAY: You meant do we finish- JAY: -each other's sentences? MARK: Yeah! Exactly! Twin ESP... JAY: That's nothing. One time he- RAY: got hit in the head- JAY: and I blacked out. MARK gapes at the men, awestruck. On the television screen, a young girl speaks like an adult at a very rapid rate. The TWINS (in unison): Man, that Rory's the shit. The TWINS (in unison): Jinx! The TWINS (in unison): Double jinx! The TWINS (in unison): You jinxed when I jinxed! MARK: This is amazing. The TWINS (in unison): Boom. The TWINS fist bump each other, and go back to staring at the television screen.

Och, aye! Clear in context. Could use some tightening, though, for realism. Hint: Focus on the characters' wants and needs for the first pass, then go back and shorten the lines to fit the prompt.

Scene 17 INT. INTERSTELLAR SPACE SHIP HIBERNATION BAY– DAY The viscera-clenching whoooop-whooooop-WHOOOOOP of the general alarm. CARSON is spat out of hibernation chamber #7 and splashes into a water tank. He wakes and tears off the umbilical mask covering his face. He spits out blue fluid, exits the tank, towels off his feet, then runs wet and naked along a corridor to the bridge. INT. BRIDGE – DAY RAMBOWITZ is already there, similarly damp and unclad, seated at the helm panel, pressing buttons, reading instruments. A display has a half dozen red dots blinking. CARSON: Vitz! What's happened? RAMBOWITZ: Not sure yet. Carson sits in the co-pilot's seat. A few drops of water land on the panel. RAMBOWITZ: (pointing) Watch it. Carson towels off some more, then reaches for the ACKNOWLEDGE button. CARSON: Can we...? RAMBOWITZ: Sure. Carson hits the button and the audible alarm falls silent. CARSON: Any hull leaks? RAMBOWITZ: (reading) Pressure seven-sixty. CARSON: No leak. What else? Rambowitz points at two red dots on a ship diagram display. RAMBOWITZ: Motion alarms, here and here... CARSON: What the hell could move? RAMBOWITZ: (pointing) ...Magnetic spike, main drive... CARSON: Shit. RAMBOWITZ: (pointing) ...Hibernation control computer failure... CARSON: It dumped me okay. RAMBOWITZ: Me too. Something's wrong. More dots light up. The general alarm starts to sound again. Carson hits ACK, but the sound continues. Whoooop- whooooop- WHOOOOOP...Whoooop- whooooop- WHOOOOOP... RAMBOWITZ: Hull failure. Fuck! CARSON: What's the pressure? RAMBOWITZ: (reading) Still seven-sixty. CARSON: This can't be right. RAMBOWITZ: I know. I know. CARSON: (points) The Acknowledge button... RAMBOWITZ: You thinking panel failure? CARSON: It fits. RAMBOWITZ: Impossible. It's triple redundant. CARSON: Listen to it. He strikes the Acknowledge button several times, but the sound continues. RAMBOWITZ: Fuck! The motion sensors! Look. Red dots are popping up all over the display. CARSON: We're being infiltrated! RAMBOWITZ: By who? CARSON: By what! RAMBOWITZ: Break out the weapons. Carson stands and opens a cabinet. It's empty. He looks down at himself. CARSON: (slowly) Vitz. Why are we naked? RAMBOWITZ: I'm not naked. You are. Carson looks. Rambowitz is now wearing a tight-fitting tank suit. CARSON: Oh, for cripes' sake... INT. INTERSTELLAR SPACE SHIP HIBERNATION BAY –CONTINUOUS The whoooop-whooooop-WHOOOOOP of the alarm. CARSON is spat out of chamber #7 into the tank, wearing a tight-fitting Spandex suit. He wakes and tears off the umbilical mask...

Scene 11 – 5 Words EXT. OLD (NORTH BY NORTH)WEST – SIDE STREET – HIGH NOON Sensible people being in hiding from the sun, only two men move about: PETE “MAD DOG” BLACKWELL and QUINCY “MAD DOG” BLACKMORE. Dressed in the latest gunslinger fashion. PETE So, we meet again. QUINCY Yep. This town ain't big-- PETE --enough for both of us. QUINCY No two mad dogs allowed. PETER There can be only one. QUINCY You know what that means. PETE Sure. Duel. His hand slides down, his fingers caress the butt—of his .45 “peacemaker”. QUINCY Sure, duel. Sure. PETE At twenty paces? QUINCY On the count of three. PETE Okay. Any last words? QUINCY Three. He pulls a DERRINGER from his sleeve, SHOOTS Pete point blank in the chest, Pete's eyes widen in surprise and remain so as he falls to the ground. QUINCY (cont'd) Go to Hell.

Feedback >>10 Hi, Stu "I'm allergic to wool" hehe. I'm hesitant as to the tone--is this supposed to be a comedy? The allergic to wool, the alarm going off and the wild gunshots make it seem so. If it's comedy, it needs a bit more of it; if it's not, it needs those bits cut off.

Scene 1 (just saw this contest and thought it would be fun to try) Hannie, a lanky professor of computer science, is engaged to be married to Anne. Celestia, Hannie's mother, has the means to pay for a fairy book wedding and has take over the wedding plans. What seemed to be a good idea has gone a bit too far, so Hannie has decided to finally call his mother. Celestia: Hello! Hannie: Hello, mother, it's me Celestia: I know, dear Hannie: Mother, about the wedding... Celestia: How are you? Hannie: Fine, now about the Celestia: Didn't she tell you? Hannie: Yes, about the new place Celestia: You love it? Hannie: It's not built yet! Celestia: Minor detail. So special ... Hannie: How's that? Celestia: Not finished, but booked solid! Hannie: We'd like to get married Celestia: Be patient, two years isn't... Hannie: Two years! Celestia: Worth the wait Hannie: Because you're not the groom Celestia: (suddenly interested) Why the hurry? Hannie: No, no grandchild yet Celestia: (disappointed)Want this special for you Hannie: We appreciate it, but Celestia: Nothing ordinary for my son! Hannie: (giving up) We'll get back to you

I lean towards the comedy option, particularly for the hysterical moment when PHIL, running from dozens of rozzers, discards his balaclava, revealing that he is, indeed, allergic to wool, with a tell-tale bright red complexion wherever it touched his face.

Oogh! Realistic. Surprisingly so. Most NNW gunfights were more like "Life & Times of Judge Roy Bean" than "High Noon." And if my name were Quincy, I'd go by "Mad Dog," too. Try adding a little more subtext.

Michele Glad you enjoyed the scene. I was a bit cruel at the end, but there was no way the wife could have known how much they really spent on the "toy". Still, I heard of the news and I felt compelled to mention him. Cheers!

SCENE A Man - John - and little girl - Sara - sit on the front porch waiting for something. SARA: I don't want to go. JOHN: I know. SARA: Do I have to? JOHN: Yes. SARA: Why? JOHN: Sometimes, mommies and daddies... SARA: I wanna stay with you. JOHN: I wish you could. SARA: Can you come visit? JOHN: Of course. SARA: All the time? JOHN: On the weekends. SARA: What about our stories? JOHN: She'll read to you. SARA: But I like your stories. JOHN: I know. A car pulls up and the Driver gets out and holds open the back door. Sara squeezes John tight. SARA: Don't make me go. JOHN: I'm sorry. I love you.

Dear Sir, I'm deeply disappointed with you. One was led to believe one would eventually be regaled with another installment of the adventures of that poor misunderstood Benedict Longbottom (aka Dr Mefisto) as he endures the chicaneries of that nasty amongst nasties, Nigel Cumberland, and hopefully outwits him. Yet, the last scene is in and there is no further word on that front. Shame on you, Sir, shame on you. Insincerely Yours, Dr RG, FCMUNL, IEM, UCLA, Ghost.

Hum, I'm now under the impression that you may well be married. Congratulations, you completist, you wrote all 20 scenes--and had a lot of fun doing it, no doubt. I remember some great ones. I'll even get back and check them all, since you're the only one who wrote all 20 scenes. Muy bien, eres muy valoroso. Estoy bien impressionado con tu imagination y tu escrita. Si sigues este camiño, vas a conseguir llegar. A donde, no lo sé. :-) Dios tiene mismo un estraño sentido de humor.

It's going to be a long voyage, eh? Groundhog Day meets Aliens? I liked the twist. I suppose the Spandex suit is an improvement. Eventually, he'll get to a suit of armor. Good scene, tense, suspenseful--and you've kept the dialog within the allocated 5 words.

Jeff "Mad Dog" also has a ring to it... It was time for a character starting with Q, so it was Quincy or Quentin, I couldn't think of another. Yes, the subtext only starts with Quincy's "Sure, duel". Being someone who usually outlines, these exercises were good for the spur of the moment writing, where I start without knowing where it's going or how it's going to end, ideas pop into my mind and I write them and in the end they usually make some sense. The side effect is exposing you people to the first rough (or vomit) draft. Sorry about that. Oogh.

Hi, Tillery Good exchange, but you have two "I know" that would be better served with something less obvious, some subtext. And the "I love you" would perhaps be a little better like this: SARA: Don’t make me go. JOHN: I have to. SARA: Why? JOHN: Because I love you.

Dear Dr RG What can I say. Ever since Dr. Mefisto narrowly escaped the mischievous cellphone trap thanks to the bravery and quick thinking of his pet iguana Clarice (may she rest in peace (and in pieces)) and after an appropriate period of mourning (mainly the time it took him to wash off the stink of burned iguana from his no longer impeccable black ensemble), he has been hard at work devising a new plan to rid the world of his nemesis Nigel Cumberland (a.k.a Lord Yet-to-be-named). Unfortunately, it is taking him much longer than expected, considering the weak economy and the fact that the elocution lessons for his henchmen are not going as well as expected. Hopefully he will be ready by the time of the Scene-Writing Exercises 2015 or the completion of the first draft of "The Bad Boys Club (the legend of Dr. Mefisto)" (hopefully the latter, but most likely the former). Love, Ricardo "Fiddlesticks" Bravo, MSc, summa cum laude, carpe diem, et.al.

Thanks, Roy. Yes, indeed, a long voyage. "Groundhog Day meets Aliens" made me laugh. Yeah, that's about it, in a nutshell.

I, too, keep alphabetic character lists to ensure that I don't end up with characters named, for example, CHRISTIAN and CHLOE. I shall sometime name a character "Ben Zeene," which also has a ring to it.

RG Your intuition is correct: I am married and quite domesticated (my gaming days are well behind me) but enjoying every minute of it. And, it does leave me with a bit of extra time to dedicate to other pursuits, such as entering writing challenges and completing all 20 of them. I only hope you will notice a bit of improvement between the first ones and the most recent ones. Now comes the really hard part... deciding what to do next. Muchas gracias por tus palabras tan alentadoras. Love your Spanish! RB

Aha, as I thought. I think I had a dejá vu. Hay una razón para entender español, que hablo un poquito menos malo que lo malo que escribo. Drop me a line if you'd like. roygordon55@yahoo.com Cheers.

Yes, it does. I can tell he must be an expert at getting out of troublesome spots.

A laugh a day, that's a good thing. BTW, what's with the real-life locked room crime you talked earlier? Would you mind emailing me? roygordon55yahoo.com And of course I'd be very interested in your take on it, too. Perhaps you should join JDC fans.

Yes, Lady Macbeth called on him for assistance, once, in the lost second scene of Act V.