SCENE 6 EXT. STREET - DAY An ambulance pulls up to the kerb. TWO PARAMEDICS: Barry, 32, and Daisy, 27, hop out and approach the middle aged MAN lying on the pavement. DAISY Hello? Hello? Daisy leans in to check if the Man is breathing. DAISY He's stinking of drink, Barry. The Man explodes back to life. MAN Woooooah, Jesus fuck! Whit are ye daein' tae me? Barry talks in A LOUD PATRONISING VOICE, like you might to an older person. BARRY We're just checking you're alright. I'm Barry, what's your name? MAN (to Daisy) The fuck's his problem? Does he think ah'm fuckin' deef? DAISY Ehh... MAN Ah'm Jim, nice tae meet ye, doll. JIM extends his hand. Daisy hesitates, then shakes his hand. BARRY Can you tell us why you were sleeping on the pavement, Jim? JIM Does he ever shtop fuckin talkin? Barry folds his arm. DAISY Jim, why were you sleeping on the pavement? JIM Ah dunno, ah jist woke up here. A beat. JIM Must have been a gid night last night, ken? DAISY Don't you remember? JIM Jeannie wis daein' ma head in, so ah went tae the pub, only ah dinnae remember gettin' there, just woke up here noo. DAISY Jim, I think you should come with us. We'll make sure you're alright. JIM Naw, naw. Ah'm fine. I'm naw goin' anywhere wae him anyway! Jim points at Barry. Barry folds his arms. DAISY Look, Jim. You're better to come with us, or else the police will take you home. Do you understand? BARRY Daisy, we're not meant to do this! DAISY Barry, just shut up. DAISY (to Jim) Don't worry about him. JIM Aye, ah suppose ah'll go anywhere you like hen. Even if it is ma ain bed! DAISY Come on then, up you get. Barry, give us a hand. They get Jim up to his feet and escort him into the ambulance.

Stu, thought you did a nice job with the text. Writing words in a drunken tongue is tricky, but I thought you did a good job. "Ah'm" for instance is a great contraction for drunk dialogue.

Thanks. Being Scottish is probably an advantage for this one!

SYLVESTER and MICHAEL are hunched over a bar, a couple middle-aged gentlemen listing a bit from the vertical. Both appear drained and exhausted. SYLVESTER: Fuckers. They're all fuckers. Michael rouses at this conversational sally, and a clarification occurs to him. MICHAEL: An' the ones that aren't fuckers... are BASTARDS. A moment as both men consider the wisdom of this. SYLVESTER (carefully): And some of 'em, 're bastard fuckers. Michael hauls up one unsteady hand to pat his friend on the back. MICHAEL: Good point. Well made.

INT. DIVE BAR - LATE The BARTENDER wipes down the bar as guests slowly file out the door, some more easily than others. He looks to the far end of the bar and notices some sorry chump with a broken rose in one hand and a half empty beer in the other. Face planted hard against the oak. The Bartender makes his way down. BARTENDER: Hey, Rosie, you gotta go. A little movement and a grumble from "ROSIE" is all the tender gets. He gives the drunk a nudge. ROSIE: Hey! Whoa! Hands off. Rosie tries to straighten himself on his stool. The Bartender backs off a step. BARTENDER: Alright. We're good. Eh, you gotta go. We're closing. Rosie shakes his head. ROSIE: She's comin' t'meet me. Told her I won't stand her up n'gain. She's... I brought flowers. The rose hangs like a deflated valentine. ROSIE (CONT.): It's her favorite kind. BARTENDER: Eh man, she already came. ROSIE: Huh? Bullshit! She's on her way. He pulls out his phone and starts scrolling through texts. Frowns at words he finds. ROSIE (CONT.): The hell! She was here? Where's she go? That... she's 'posed to... You can't close! She's said she's gonna be back. The bartender walks around to Rosie's side. He helps Rosie off his stool and escorts him to the door. BARTENDER: Yeah, to kick your ass. ROSIE: Pssh! I'll kick her ass! BARTENDER: You said that earlier. That's why she left. ROSIE: Yeah? Well... Wait, where you takin' me? BARTENDER: We're closed. You have to leave. Sorry, buddy. They get to the door. BARTENDER: There's a cab outside. Go home. Get some rest. EXT. DIVE BAR ROSIE: 'kay. Hey. You... you're alright. The Bartender pats him on the shoulder and heads back inside. The cab sits idol. Rosie stares at it from the doorway. He turns just as the Bartender shuts the door. ROSIE: What about my flower? I need my flower. Gimme my damn flower! She's coming back! Neither the Bartender nor the door doesn't respond to his plea. He tries the knob. Locked. Shakes the door hard. Nothing. He turns back to the cab, but finds a YOUNG LADY waiting at the bottom of the stairs. He smiles. ROSIE: I knew you'd be back. Baby, I'm so sorry. YOUNG LADY: I thought you'd be gone already. ROSIE: I waited for you. She shakes her head. YOUNG LADY: I... The door opens to the bar. The bartender steps outside, coat on. Broken rose in his hand. ROSIE: (to the Young Lady) Your flower. The Bartender hands it to Rosie and walks directly to the Young Lady. She cups her arm in the Bartender's and they step to the waiting cab. She turns with an apologetic glance over her shoulder. They get in the cab and speed away. Rosie stands with the drooping flower, dumbfounded. ROSIE: Fucking hate flowers. He drops it and walks into the cool night.

SCENE 9 INT. SHED - DAY The door opens, KEITH (late 20s) raises an arm to keep the light way. He’s at a rickety table, one almost empty bottle of Bourbon in front, an almost full glass in hand. LUCY (20s) comes in. LUCY What are you doing? KEITH What does it seem to you? LUCY You’re drunk. KEITH Not drunk, just drinkin´. LUCY You’ve been drinking well past your limit. KEITH I can take it. How d’ya know my limit? Not even I know my limit. We don’t know our limit until we reach it, and then… some surpass it, some fail. (Drinks) And sometimes, those who fail, fail because their limit was miles ahead of those who stayed behind. His head lolls. He brings the glass down with unsteady hand. LUCY Sitting here, drinking alone isn’t-- KEITH I ain’t drinkin’ alone, I’m drinkin´ with my buddies. I’m drinkin´ to my buddies. Those who can’t be here because their limit was miles ahead of mine. LUCY They’re gone, but you’re not, and you don’t need to join them. Please, don’t join them. Stay with us. KEITH (sobs) I dunno if I can. Part of me stayed there. I dunno if I can be whole again. LUCY You just have to fight. Isn’t it what your buddies did? KEITH Yeah… fight. They fought on, ‘till the end. LUCY But they didn’t say it was too hard, didn’t turn to a bottle, they didn’t give up. KEITH No, no, no, they didn’. LUCY Do you think what you’re doing is the right way to honor their memory? Keith mulls it over. His trembling hand sets the half-full glass aside.

Scene 17 INT. APPARTMENT – SUNDAY MORNING The doors open to a small one-bedroom apartment. Samantha (28) enters the room and scans it through melancholically. So full of stuff and yet something… missing. She drops her overnight bag to the ground, closes the door and sits heavily on a large and cozy sofa. So empty. She notices the blinking light in the answering machine on the side table and pushes the play button. ANS. MACHINE (V.O.): You have nine new messages. Message one, left on Saturday at 11:32am. WOMAN’S VOICE (V.O): Hi honey. This is mom. Are you there? I guess you already left for your sister’s. I will call you there later. Bye. (CLICK) ANS. MACHINE (V.O.): Message two, left on Saturday at 5:49pm. TREY (V.O.): Hi Sam. It’s me. Erm… Trey. Just to let you know that I… I left the key under the mat as you told me. Erm… Again, I’m so sorry for the way things ended, and, er… nothing. Sorry again. Bye. (CLICK) Samantha passes her hands through her hair. He eyes tear up. ANS. MACHINE (V.O.): Message three, left on Saturday at 8:51pm. (CLICK) Samantha gives a quick glance to the phone. Could it have been…? No that’s stupid. ANS. MACHINE (V.O.): Message four, left on Saturday at 9:23pm. TREY (V.O): Sam. It’s me again. I’m at Belluci’s and guess what, their payphone’s working again. Yeah… erm…. I just wanted to… I wanted to say… so many things. I know you are probably still mad, but we need to talk. You see, this is all just a big misunderstanding. I would never do something like that on purpose. I was drunk and she came on to me. I never would have kissed her if I had not been… Samantha angrily pushes a button on the answering machine. ANS. MACHINE (V.O.): Message deleted. Message five, left on Saturday at 11:05pm. TREY (V.O.): Samanthaaa. It’s Trey. They are playing our song. Well I ask… I asked them to play our song because I want you to know that I finally understand the real meaning of the song. It’s about friendship and forgiveness. And pretty flowrs. You see? I now understand… Samantha pushes the same button again. ANS. MACHINE (V.O.): Message deleted. Message six, left on Sunday at 12:56am. TREY (V.O.): Samanthaaa. You need to get out of you… get off of your high horse. You are not the prrfect prrrson you prrrtend to be. You can be a real bitch sometimes! I have seen how you like it when… guys look at your butt. And yes! It’s a nice butt. But you also check out otherpeoplesbutts… burp! Sorry… other people’s butts too. And how do you think that makes me feel? You are a silly… sexy… stupid woman who does not undrstand what you had. I am a good people. And you’re a f… Samantha gets up and smashes the button on the machine, almost knocking the table. She starts to circle around the room like a caged animal, holding her tears. ANS. MACHINE (V.O.): Message deleted. Message seven, left on Sunday at 1:05am TREY (V.O.): I’m sorry… I’m soooo sorry. I never shd’ve said those horrible things. Please forgive meee. I lov you. You are my Sarmantha… I’m your Tray-Tray. I can be bettr. I can change! (CLICK) Samantha sits down again, gently sobbing. ANS. MACHINE (V.O.): Message eight, left on Sunday at 3:11am. TREY (V.O.): Okeyyy. Time… to come clean. Yes! I kissd Vronica. And I’m sorry. I’m sooooo sorry. But I promise you, that was the wrst most stpid thing I done. I loooooove youuuuu. I’m an idiot… But I’m an idiot that looovs youuu…and… and… what? Sorry, what? CAN’T YOU SEE I’M ON THE PHONE! THIS IS A PRIVATE CONVRSATION! JERK! WHAT? Sammy baby… need to hung up. Something about going to the hosp… (CLICK) Samantha gives a worried look at the machine. ANS. MACHINE (V.O.): Message nine, left on Sunday at 5:29am. MALE VOICE (V.O.): Good morning. We are calling from St. Helen’s hospital. We are trying to contact the next of kin of a Trey Connor and we found your number on his wallet. Mr. Connor was checked in early this morning with a severe case of alcohol poisoning. If you could please contact us… The door slams loudly. Footsteps are heard running down the stairs.

Ooh! Nice twist. I could smell the alcohol from here. Good job.

FEEDBACK 4 This is great, it really proves that sometimes less is more with screenwriting. And I've heard many tirades like this!

Feedback 10 (yay!) Jonathan, Ouch ! Good stuff (though not so good for Rosie!) Dialogue was good but I was thinking about her line "I thought you'd be gone already". Thats really the most critical line of the scene where she is basically making it clear right there that she is no longer interested in him. I felt it could have had more impact if it was different - it just came across as too straightforward and "expected". Think there was more opportunity to craft a more dramatic line. Or maybe even cutting the line altogether? Its really the proverbial punch in his stomach. Johnny

SCENE 9 JACK is sitting at a table in a modestly appointed but clean house. We only see his face and upper body. He is very agitated and sipping regularly from a glass of whiskey. JACK: So you're all here now. Really feeling good about that? Ready to find things you can say about me? Huh?! All gathered around. Can't remember last time you were all together like this. Silence JACK: No one saying anything. Well let me tell YOU ALL some things. Bertram? You've been looking to bring me low for years. Nothing was good enough for you. No matter how hard I tried. Always negative. You have anything to say?? Silence JACK: Didn't think so. Same as Bertram. A coward. Bob. Oh yes. Bob. Who started a company with me. The company we talked about starting for years. Then we got big, you cut me out. Made me sell early, then sold off the company for ten times what I got. Bob. Bob. Bob. Something to say? JACK: Thought not. And Paul. Big man. Last but definitely not least. Took the one woman I loved. How long were you married for? A year? Enough to lose her from this world. Big man. Going out boating when you knew she hated the water and didn't swim?? Dead. That's what she is. Something to say about that? Silence JACK: Say something. Silence JACK: SAY SOMETHING ! Jack throws his glass. CAMERA SHOT of his glass flying through the air. No one is there and it shatters on the wall. Jack sobs and puts his head down on the table. END

Interesting, Johnny. That line, when I wrote it, like you said is the punch in Rosie's gut; but I meant it as a tease. A chance to get his hopes up. Perhaps if I added an action line after, "Rosie beams she returned." or something like that to delay the true impact of her line. Gotta think about a better way to deliver that.

FEEDBACK 9 This is a great, tragic look at why some people turn to drink. The dialogue between Keith and Lucy reminded me of Carver (one of my favourites when it comes to dialogue), particularly that "not drunk, just drinkin'" line. Is it set in the present? I can almost imagine it in the 40s or 50s.

FEEDBACK 8 I thought this was fun and even being American, I figured it was a bit Scottish so great job with the dialogue. I would have liked to see the conflict used for a bigger purpose. As it is, it was just these people dealing with a drunk and one of them wants to help and the other doesn't. What happens if they help him? Do they get in trouble? What happens if they don't help him? These are questions I'm asking myself now because I'm trying to offer feedback, but I think if you raised them in the script itself, you could make your average reader want to keep reading to see what happens, or at least be invested in the consequences of the scene.

Feedback 9 Drunk philosophers are always a good choice. This was funny. Quick and simple which is my favorite. The question I'm constantly asking (probably because these are all exercises and not necessarily real scenes from real scripts), is what do you want to get out of this? By changing the last line, you could give us a ton more information about what we're reading and who these characters are to each other. That last line could be the funniest of the whole scene if you pushed it a bit beyond simply agreeing. The horrible example (I apologize in advance) that immediately comes to mind because I'm a man-child is -- what if michael looks deep in thought, his face twisted as he appears to be considering this new profundity and then his face softens and he just goes "i think i shit myself." -- Again, horrible and immature example and I sincerely apologize, but it caps the scene in a much different way than just confirming what someone else has already said.

FEEDBACK 10 This was really good, I like the twist at the end when it reveals he's alone. I really liked how you revealed this character in his drunken ramblings. I thought you could have pushed that even more, really give us a reason to care about him. You sort of do it at the end with the talk about the woman he loved, but since he's got the scene all to himself, take a little time to get out his hopes and dreams, however broken they may be.

FEEDBACK #8: Oh no.... I kind of feel bad for Trey. Love how he seems formal / awkward in the first message to tipsy to flat out drunk. Do think in the first message, he probably didn't need to clarify that he's Trey. I'd imagine if they had been dating for a while, she'd be able to recognize his voice.

FEEDBACK #9 Feels a little Count of Monte Cristo (in a good way!) - everyone ganging up on one guy, and when he comes back he exacts his revenge. I do think Bertram's 'sin' against Jack seems a little weak and an odd thing to start with as it's the least tangible. Also, do think some of the lines seem a little awkwardly worded. The opening line stands out. I had to read it twice.

clwang That's a good point. I guess I was just drilling in the awkwardness he was feeling leaving that first message after moving out. But it does feel a bit too much. Thanks for you feedback.

FEEDBACK 8 Great accent. Loved how patronising you made Barry sound. A crowd wouldn't gather? Must be a feat getting Jim into the ambulance too. The drunk part works great.

Terrific dialogue for the drunk. The bartender's kind, too kind, he isn't gloating?

Feedback >10 Interesting delineation of characters, Stu, they're easy to tell apart. You get away with Jim's way of speaking because he's drunk, otherwise I would caution against it, it's difficult to "translate" and especially in screenplay mode it's frowned upon. But in this case it works grreyt.

I did think of setting the time a little more, but then--it can be after any war, and it doesn't even matter if he was on the wining or on the loosing side, isn't it? I defaulted to an American setting, with the Bourbon, but have a wee dram of Whisky and could be a Highlander, after Culloden, or after WWII. Raymond Carver? Wow. Many thanks for the compliment.

Feedback 7 I loved the accent. Everything was going well till the argument between Daisy and Barry veered off the attention of the drunk man's tirade. I would have loved to see the tirade growing.

Dialogue Challenge Day 17 A drunken tirade EXT. GARDEN Elegant. Lush. White tents house dozens of beautifully decorated tables. Guests are dressed to the hilt. There's a dance floor in the middle. It's a wedding. The best man stands at the head table. He's finishing his speech. BEST MAN: I wish you two happiness.... A "Ha" sounds from the guests. The best man hesitates slightly. BEST MAN: Love... and peace. UNKNOWN: Peace? Ha. The guests look around for the interruption. A woman stands up, a half-filled whiskey tumbler dangles in her hand. WOMAN: (slurred) Peace. Ha. You don't get peace in marriage. You get late nights at the office and secretaries. Love? Love? I'll tell you about love. It's a scam. A scam used by our parents to sell us off to the highest bidder. She begins walking toward the head table. The best man tries his best to calm her. BEST MAN: Ma'am…. WOMAN: I'm not a ma'am. I'm Aunt Estelle. (to bride) My dear, I know you look at him and see stars but those stars will dim. They always do. Always. You Uncle Herman promised me everything. He could sweet talk the panties off a nun. Guests gasp. A few giggle. AUNT ESTELLE: And he did too. (takes a sip) Never met a woman he didn't like. Bastard. You spread your legs and pop out babies and what do you get….a 4 week treatment for crabs! RICHARD stands up abruptly. RICHARD: Estelle! This is not the time..... AUNT ESTELLE: Yes. Richard it’s not the time. I should have said something earlier. Now you married her off.... Richard motions to some other family members for help. AUNT ESTELLE: Don't you shush me. The family members begin to usher Aunt Estelle out. AUNT ESTELLE: It's a crock. Watch him dear. Watch him. She shakes her tumbler at the bride as she’s led out the door.