Writing Challenge SCENE #10 EXT. – HIGHWAY – DAY On a long straight desert highway a lone car is moving at rapid speed. It’s a non-descript late 80’s model Chevy. It’s pretty beat up from several hundred thousand miles of hard driving. Heat is rising from the sun baked asphalt. DRIVER (V.O.): No hills. That’s a plus when your suspension is on it’s last legs. I guess I shouldn’t complain. At least the old boat is still running. She sure sucks down the fuel though. Wish I had found a V6. Coulda, shoulda, woulda…they say that’s the way it goes. Whoever the hell “they” are. The odometer stopped working at 453,564 miles. God only knows how many it’s done since then. God only knows how many I’ve put on her. I always heard you should visit Vegas in the fall or winter. Everyone said “spring is hot and the summer is brutal.” I always thought it was a little funny. What do you expect when you build a city in the middle of the freakin’ desert? I miss seein’ trees. Cactus everywhere, sticking out of the sand like prickly harbingers of doom. I guess you might call that poetic or ironic or somethin’. CUT TO: INT. – INSIDE OF THE SAME CAR – CONTINUOUS Speedometer is shown. Ninety five miles per hour. DRIVER (V.O.): I don’t know why I’m driving so fast. There’s no reason to hurry. There’s no reason for much of anything these days. Speed limit 70. That’s funny. Rules. I remember all the rules for everything. Things are simple now. I have two rules and I live by them. Drive and survive. CUT TO: View looking through the windshield. Iconic Las Vegas sign is seen. The sign is in shambles. Then the city is seen in the distance. Devastated and in ruins. It looks as though it’s been like that for a long time. DRIVER (V.O.): Just like I always imagined.

SCENE 10 INT. HOUSE - NIGHT (A model suburban home. Perfect. Happy. We see LANA, mid 30's, standing in the kitchen eating) LANA(V.O.): They say don't shit where you eat; but they never tell you how far away you need to be from your shit before you can eat. (We see the kitchen is more like a library. Books stacked as high as the ceiling surround the kitchen) LANA(V.O): You have to know thyself to know how far. It requires years of learning. Years of practice. Dedication leads to obsession. Obsession leads to craziness. (Lana goes to the garage and throws something in the recycling. Filled with tools and machines. A well used garage) LANA(V.O. CONT'D): That's when you know you're close to the perfect storm, where greatness is born. Throughout history the best of us have one thing in common; they all shit where they eat and everyone thinks they're crazy for doing so...until their brilliance is understood. (Lana puts her food down and grabs a camera from the kitchen counter. She starts walking upstairs) LANA: It's picture time! LANA (V.O. CONT'D): You have to push yourself. You have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette. You can't be afraid of how something you do now might impact your life later on. All that matters is getting to that perfect storm, getting to know what you're really made of. (We see Lana organizing people into the picture. Moving arms and legs into better positions) LANA (V.O. CONT'D): Everyone wants to be successful and achieve greatness, but what no one talks about is how there is no going back. Once you know who you really are and achieve greatness, life is never the same. (Lana sets the timer on the camera and sits on the couch between her husband and two kids) LANA: Alright! Smile everyone! (We see the camera push back. A big smile on Lana. No smiles for anyone else. They're all dead, blood drenched, cut-up posed bodies) LANA (V.O. CONT'D): I'm just crazy to you right now, but you'll understand soon enough. Be careful though, you might not like what you learn about yourself.

Scene 10 INT. KITCHEN. MORNING. A family eat breakfast together. The man reads a newspaper. The headlines tell the story of a missing girl. The kids get up from the table, grab their school bags. Kids: Come on, dad, we'll be late for school. The man folds the newspaper, puts it on the table with the photo of the girl facing upwards. He puts his coffee cup on top of it. EXT. TRAIN STATION. MORNING. People wait on the platform. Several read newspapers. The train arrives. People get on. The train leaves. The platform is empty. In a bin is a newspaper, same headline. EXT. SHOP. MORNING. A sign on the shop front shows the daily headlines. A man comes out of the shop carrying a newspaper. He gets into his car and drives off. INT. CAR. MORNING. The newspaper is folded, headline of the missing girl face up, on the passenger seat. From the driver's pov – countryside, hedgerows, people working on the land. JULIA (VO) I have a daughter of mixed nationality. Her father is a South American, I'm English. She has a British passport. She grew up in a Spanish environment, has Spanish ways. You would never know she's British. Neither did they. The car drives into a food packing factory yard. The man gets out, steps in some mud, stretches into the car, grabs a sheet of the newspaper and uses it to clean his shoes. JULIA(VO) I returned to England two years ago. At eighteen years old, she chose to stay in Spain for a few months more, a change of heart brought her home to me. She's volatile, naturally rebellious. The English way of life is, in her words, boring. She needs excitement. From the car's pov (?) The man walks towards the factory entrance. JULIA(VO) So she went to Amsterdam, just for a weekend, to smoke dope and party. A weekend's not long is it? The man enters the factory. JULIA(VO) It's not long, but it was long enough. INT. FACTORY. MORNING. The man is inside. Another comes to greet him. They shake hands then go into an office, close the door behind them. Through the glass, they're talking, laughing. A copy of the newspaper is on the desk. JULIA(VO) Long enough for her to be caught up in a human trafficking ring which took her from me and into the underworld of East Anglia. An underworld which no-one sees and no-cares about. It doesn't happen in England, does it? It only happens to foreigners, right? Wrong. Inside the factory - women are working on conveyor belts packing food. JULIA(VO) Let me tell you something. The man comes out of the office. EXT. FACTORY CAR PARK. MORNING. He leaves the factory and walks towards his car, gets in. The screwed up sheet of newspaper is in the mud. He reverses, then drives over it The newspaper is there, in the mud, the photo of the girl's face stained, almost indistinguishable. JULIA(VO) No, don't close your eyes and ignore me, because I'm asking you, yes, you, what if, the next time, it was your daughter? What would you do? Would you eat? Would you sleep? Would you close your eyes before you had her back. No, of course not. So let me ask you this. Why, I want to know... Why, did you close your eyes when it was mine?

Scene 10 INT. DARK ROOM - MIDNIGHT Extreme close up of a man's forehead. A single drop of sweat slides down slowly. MAN (V.O.): When I was a child I thought like a child and I acted like a child. My parents started telling me all these stories to get me to behave; they taught me about good and evil. And I believed them. But as I grew up I started to realize that a lot of the things my parents told me were lies. There is no bogeyman... there are no witches... there are no monsters under your bed. Zoom out to slowly discover the man's disheveled hair and soot stained forehead. MAN (V.O.): Then came a second set of stories from a more institutionalised framework. They talked about love and sacrifice. And I believed them. But as I grew older a little voice at the back of my head started urging me to reason, not to blindingly follow a flock of sheep through the pastures so we can be protected from the big bad wolf. Zoom out and pan down to show the man's terrified eyes. MAN (V.O.): Then I started to use my head and I came to the conclusion that evil is nothing but a word, a construct that exemplifies all that is considered morally objectionable. Greed, lust, thirst for power. And to this, add all that is wrong with the world like hunger, war. Evil is therefore nothing but a reflection of the moral compass that guides all men since the beginning of our species. A people word for a people world. Zoom out to show the full face of the man, his bruises now evident, his terror now more clear. MAN (V.O.): I was so wrong. I now know the truth. Zoom out to show the man hiding behind a broken up wall. Behind him, in the background, we can see Armageddon with a vengeance. MAN (V.O.): How I wish I were a small child again. Then I would believe again that there is a higher power looking out for me, to protect me, to defend me. Because now I know... A huge demon creature walks menacingly to where the man is hiding. Cut to black. MAN (V.O.): Evil is real.

FEEDBACK 14 Hey Brian, Nice scene, it’s definitely a teaser! Really my only suggestion is to have a little more action going on and I don’t mean you have to have big explosions or anything. The VO is used well, it tells about the story that the scene alone can’t do, but what the driver has to say may be a little long just watching him drive on a highway. Perhaps he’s driving and he stops to get some gas but the place looks odd, no one’s around, tension builds. Then later we see Vegas in the distance as he continues his V.O. Just a suggestion! I will say that by the end, I definitely want to know what happened to Vegas.

Feedback 12 Damned good. Sort of a downer, but good use of the VO, nice ending. Interesting parallels with Liz and Brian's pieces. Is there some way you can tie the presence of evil to the protagonist's own moral equivocation? Or at least to those who thought along the same lines as he did?

Scene 10 INT. STUDY, VILLA DESCANSO (1942) – DAY SGT. RAY HOPKINS stands beside an octagonal game table bearing a typewriter and stacks of paper. Six suspects sit, uncomfortable, not speaking: Penderby (butler), Sloacum (gardner), DORIS MARNE, and her children, ROBERT, WILLIAM, AGNES. Two uniforms. HOPKINS: On the surface, this case seemed baffling. Thursday night... INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE STUDY – NIGHT HOPKINS (V.O.): ...John Marne came to this room at 9:45 pm, to work on his novel for an uninterrupted hour, as was his routine, according to everybody. Doris kisses Marne. Holding a 4 oz. glass of sherry, he unlocks the door, enters, and LOCKS the door from inside. Doris leaves. INT. DRAWING ROOM – NIGHT HOPKINS (V.O.): At ten, the others met for their evening bridge game. Robert, William, Doris, and Agnes pair off and begin playing bridge. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE STUDY – NIGHT HOPKINS (V.O.): At 10:45 pm, Penderby took Marne his evening pills. Penderby, carrying a tray, knocks on the door, waits, rattles knob. HOPKINS (V.O.): When there was no answer, he and Robert tried the garden door. EXT./INT. GARDEN DOOR TO STUDY – NIGHT Robert and Penderby look in through the outside door. Marne is slumped at the game table. Both men try the door handle. It's locked. Robert breaks a pane with a rock, and enters with the butler right behind him. Robert checks for a pulse, shakes his head. HOPKINS (V.O.): Finding Marne dead, they left the room and called us. INT. STUDY, VILLA DESCANSO – DAY HOPKINS: A preliminary autopsy shows...nothing. No fatal conditions, no wounds, no signs of strangulation or injection. Marne died between 10:10 and 10:20 pm, in a room locked from the inside. At first, we suspected... HOPKINS (V.O.): ...the only person in the house with size 14 feet, the gardener. CLOSE ON large boots, TILT UP to SLOACUM, nervous. HOPKINS (V.O.): ...But a close look at the room revealed an anomaly (points). CLOSE ON LEGS OF GAME TABLE. HOPKINS (V.O.): Unknown to all, the game table had been screwed to the floor. I asked myself, why would it be fastened down? To hold it in a precise location. I looked up. (points) CLOSE ON HOLE IN CEILING HOPKINS (V.O.): Marne's habits were known to the murderer, who went outside at 9:50, wearing Penderby's garden boots, and checked through the study window. EXT./INT. GARDEN DOOR TO STUDY – NIGHT Someone looks in. Marne is typing at the game table with his glass of sherry beside him in the built-in cup holder. HOPKINS (V.O.): When he saw that the victim was in position, the murderer returned the boots to Sloacum's shed and went upstairs to set up his device. INT. BEDROOM ABOVE STUDY – NIGHT CLOSE ON HOLE IN FLOOR, right above the sherry on the table, below. Someone puts a pill into a small mechanical device and slides it into the hole. HOPKINS (V.O.): The murderer designed it to release a dose of cyano-sulfazide, a neurotoxin, undetectable once ingested. While the bridge game was under way... INT. DRAWING ROOM – NIGHT Robert, William, Doris, and Agnes continue their bridge game. INT. STUDY, VILLA DESCANSO – NIGHT CLOSE ON CLOCK, reaching 10:15. HOPKINS (V.O.): ...the deadly substance fell into Marne's sherry... CLOSE ON GLASS, pill plops into glass. Marne sips, gasps, clutches his throat, then slumps onto the typewriter. HOPKINS (V.O.): ...killing Marne instantly. INT. STUDY, VILLA DESCANSO – DAY ROBERT: So who did it? HOPKINS: You did. While pretending to check Marne's pulse, you exchanged his glass for one in your pocket. Then you slipped upstairs, removed your gadget and destroyed it along with the glass. ROBERT: Pure speculation. HOPKINS: (signaling uniformed men) True, but put the cuffs on him, anyway, guys, and bag his hands. Maybe we'll find traces of the poison on his fingertips. ROBERT: (wiping his hands on his pants) Shit.

A bit of a stretch to squeeze a summation into two pages, but I wanted to see what I could do. Normally, the VO+action would be two columns in FinalDraft. A difficult challenge all around.

Feedback 8 What if he has a flat,teteers to a stop... and then he says the part about scrubland etc? Solid end-of-the-world story.

Feedback 8 I was wondering at "arms and legs"... made me think of mannequins perhaps...what if she talked to the dead people and moved around their arms etc? Crazier? Chilling.

Feedback 10 You're right, Jeff. it was a difficult challenge and never having done a VO before, I not sure if any comments I would make could improve on what you did. It was a smooth scene with the tone of Agatha Christie's Miss Marple or maybe closer still, Mikey Spillane's, Mike Hammer. I did wonder why he suddenly swapped from dialogue to VO when talking about the size of the gardener's feet, then thought perhaps you'd just missed the VO tag off the previous sentence. I enjoyed reading the way you interlaced the action, VO and dialogue, introducing all of the characters in such a short clip. No mean feat. As you mentioned it was a very challenging challenge. Nice job.

SCENE 3 EXT. LEITH CAR PARK - DAY A RUSTY JALOPY slumps in the car park. Dust and rust gathering around it. A rough looking man: RONNY, 49, leans back in the driver's seat reading an old newspaper and trying to get the last drag from a roll-up. RONNY (V.O) Things had been bad, they'd been bad fur a while. CUT TO: MONTAGE INT. RONNY'S HOUSE - DAY Ronny sits in the middle of an empty living room. A door slams RONNY (V.O) It started six months ago when mah wife left. CUT TO: INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY A FOREMAN shrugs at Ronny and looks apologetic. RONNY (V.O) That's the boss telling me there's no work left fur me, after ah worked there fur 25 year. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - DAY Ronny sits at the table under a pile of bills. He sobs. RONNY (V.O) Then ah couldn't pay any of mah bills and ended up here. END MONTAGE CUT TO: INT. CAR - DAY Ronny winds down the window, and pings the roll-up out the window. He starts to wind the window back up, but the handle breaks. Ronny sighs. He fishes a bent roll-up out of his parka pocket and attempts to light it. The flint breaks. RONNY (V.O) Ah ken what yer thinkin. Look at that sad bastard. His life's gone tae shite, and he probably deserves it. And it has. Ah've spent the last six months livin in this car and drinkin crap cider. But ah didnae used tae be such a bad guy. Ah worked hard, and while ah liked a drink, ah wiz never violent. Mah wife left me because she met someone else, not because ah hit her, if that's what ye were thinking. CUT TO: EXT. CORNER SHOP - DAY The shop looks empty aside from an Indian-Scots man: JOHN, 47, who is behind the counter. CUT TO: INT. CAR - DAY Ronnie reaches under his seat. RONNY Sometimes, ye have tae be the bad guy. He pulls out a rusty REVOLVER. He then clicks the chamber open to check if it's loaded. He clicks it shut. Ronny opens the glove box, and takes a slug from the hip flask inside. Ronny opens the car door. And ambles into the street.

Feedback 5 I thought it had a really good tense feel. But I felt the first three voice overs were a bit long - if it was such a tense situation I think the voice over would have been a bit choppier. It could lose a few words and heighten the situation. The conclusion was good.

Jeff Damn you are good. I knew that this scene was lacking something but I just could not pinpoint what it was. And what you say is exactly it: why is he introducing us to this scene? Because he is the reason all this is happening! I would change the line: "MAN (V.O.): I was so wrong. I now know the truth." to the following: "MAN (V.O.): How I wish I would have listened. How I wish I had believed. Because then I never would have opened the door to the darkness." Thanks for you feedback. (by the way, interesting how a voice over challenge brings out the noir and dark in all of us!)

Johnny I did get a bit carried away with the philosophy of the character, but you should have seen my first draft (talk about depressing!) Thanks for you feedback. Cheers

FEEDBACK 2 I wonder what the relationship is between the driver and Julia. Is he someone who should care about her? Or is something going to happen to his kids? I miss the connection.

Feedback 12 Evan Wow. Creepy. The scene slowly rises up to a terrifying climax that is both unexpected and shocking. I think that the voice over is very clever and leads the scene very nicely. However, the final line in combination with the final image is superb. It opens up so many lines where the story can go that will probably give me nightmares tonight. Very well done.

Maybe VO's noir tendency comes from the fact that much of it breaks the fourth wall, conveying the character's thoughts and emotions directly to the audience, without being filtered through dialogue or action. Noir style generally has more dramatic impact, imnsho. Summation scenes are different--more expository, more cerebral, less emotional, ja?

Many thanks, Liz. A much more complex summation scene is a major part of my screenplay, and I was practicing the genre, here. Note: In FinalDraft 8, to do a two-column VO + parallel action, I created a dummy character named "ACTION" and then used a white font color for his tag, leaving just his "dialogue" (which is all action) showing in black.

Feedback 13 An easy read, a lot of white space, always a good idea. The line "Then ah couldn’t pay any of mah bills..." isn't all necessary, since you've just shown him weeping over a pile of bills. I'd trim the redundancy to tighten it oop a wee bit. Nice job.

[Feedback 3] Great scene, you get a real sense of atmosphere and the visual twist at the end works well. Agreed that more action could help, and I also felt it could help to be shown more about the driver (though you may have kept this deliberately ambiguous?) - e.g. what if he lit up a cigarette/took a drink while driving, or tapped his hands on the wheel in time with the music he's listening to? Some kind of visual detail to build character.

SCENE 5 EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNA - DAY - 1960 A hunting party, some SCOUTS, some carrying packs. Young CHARLIE (20s) rifle in hand, bumbles through the vegetation. At the tail of the column. CHARLIE (V.O.) Yes, m'dear boy, I'll tell you how I got these elephant tusks. I led a hunting party many years ago. He stumbles. The last man, behind him, snickers. CHARLIE (V.O.) I was always alert, eyes like a lynx. The scouts point excitedly, one rushes behind, taps Charlie on the shoulder, turns him to the other side. CHARLIE (V.O.) I was the first to spot our target. An elephant in the distance. Charlie cowers behind the last man. CHARLIE (V.O.) A marvelous, majestic elephant. I placed myself at the head of my men. The scouts pull him, he pussyfoots forward. CHARLIE (V.O.) Bravely went forward. At the edge of the field, beneath a tree, Charlie aims his rifle at the elephant. Trembling. CHARLIE (V.O.) I aimed, had a moment of pity, but I couldn't help myself. Shoots and the recoil makes him stumble back and fall down. The scouts laugh openly. CHARLIE (V.O.) I admit, the first shot didn't bring him down. The beast looked at me as if realizing his fate. Charlie climbs up to his feet and sees the elephant trotting towards him. He runs away. INT. HUT - DAY Charlie takes out his wallet, pulls out one banknote, gives it to a SCOUT, pulls another and slaps it on the man's palm. CHARLIE (V.O.) I needed two shots. The man turns around, picks a pair of elephant tusks, gives them to Charlie. CHARLIE (V.O.) Two shots. Two tusks. Charlie stands proudly holding the tusks, like posing. BARMAN (V.O.) Very interesting, but we're closing the Pub now. Put your photo away, go home and sleep it off.

Feedback 6 The V.O. does a good work of establishing Lana's madness even as she's going around doing seemingly innocent chores. You nailed the purpose of the exercise, good job. Suggestion: Having other places set at the table, as if other people had eaten, would set up more the final reveal.

Hi, Ricardo I like what the V.O. says, I love the last line. However... To me, the V.O. doesn't sound like that of a man who's been stalked by a monster, it sounds more like a man who became the monster. It ties with him having opened the door to the darkness--and darkness taking him. Instead of a huge demon creature, just have a distorted shadow approach the terrified man, the distorted shadow of the narrator. And there's a twist for you.

Feedback 8 Great, a locked-room mystery: right up my alley. Is this part of something you're really working on? If so, it needs a few tweaks to make the method work--undetectable poisons unknown to science are not allowed, you know. Apart from the killer's profanity, very much in line with Golden Age British mysteries. Sorry, Liz, not even remotely like Mike Hammer. It might work very well as a Mystery Comedy. Jolly good show, Jeff.

SCENE 4 Setting: A DINER at NIGHT, LOS ANGELES, 1949 RAY PERKINS (45) is at a table, drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette. RAY V.O.: Four months of watching. And waiting. He better show up. A waitress walks nearby. WAITRESS: Refill? RAY: Thanks hon. RAY V.O.: After this coffee I'm out of here. Ray looks at his watch. RAY V.O.: Ten more minutes. That's it. Them I'm done. An older man walks in, and sits in a booth by himself. Ray casually looks over. RAY V.O.: Too old. Can't be him. Ray looks closer. RAY V.O.: Not him. No way. I knew I shouldn't have had that smoke with Dave. Should have just gone home. I knew it would be a headache. You know it's the last dollar that always causes the problems. I didn't need the business. But whats that phrase? Change what you can change. So as soon as this is over, that's it. Close up shop. Or give it to Hal if thats what he wants. Sell it to him for a dollar. He's always wanted to run a PI agency. Let him see how easy it is. Another man walks in and sits down at the counter. He's even older than the last customer. Ray looks back to his coffee. RAY V.O.: Yeah. Leave town. Maybe go to Hawaii. Learn how to fish. No forwarding address. Sold for a dollar, no questions asked. A man in his 30s walks in and sits in a booth. RAY V.O.: That's got to be him. Definitely him. The man puts his briefcase on the table of the booth. RAY V.O.: That's him. This has to end here. Either he brought it or he didn't. RAY walks over to the table. END

Thanks. I'll tweak the "Cyanosulfazide," since the story hinges more on Robert having an alibi at the time of the murder than on the details of the poison. But obviously, this poison is NOT one of the verboten "unknown to science," sort, since Ray Hopkins (based on Ray Hopkinson, LAPD ~1942) said exactly what it was. Just don't go out and try to buy some. This is not part of my current project, which does include a locked room mystery, currently on the books of the town police department as a suicide.

An interesting characterizing scene. Good use of the VO, but I'd like to see Charlie and the photo up front. And perhaps the tusk merchant should shake his head after the first banknote, to establish that Charlie needed "two* shots." (Unlikely he'd buy them from a scout, who is way down the chain on safari.) A lot of fun, visually! * three, actually, as told.

Feedback 15 Proper use of VO, nice ambience, and appropriate formatting. Everything is right where it should be. Good spelling and grammar, too--rarities today. Only thing I would do is tweak Ray's soliloquy to clarify what's going on.

Thanks Jeff. Totally agree on importance of good grammar and spelling - it should be a mandatory habit of every writer even if it takes a bit more effort! - Johnny

SCENE 4 EXT. FIELD - NIGHT A SHADOWY FIGURE stands in the doorway of a space craft -- bright lights behind it make it impossible to see its features. It seems to be waving goodbye. Rich (VO) -- You know the part at the end of all the alien stories where the aliens are about to leave earth after the government has been chasing them even though they only came down for a friendly visit? A human watches from the ground as the ramp raises up from the ground to seal the hull of the ship. Rich (VO) -- And the man or woman or kid who's been helping them get away this whole time is standing there sad as they're about to leave because he never quite fit in on earth and finally these aliens had arrived and made him feel not so alone? The spacecraft lifts up off the ground, hovering. Then it lowers back to the ground and the ramp lowers to the ground. The shadowy figure returns to the doorway. Rich (VO) -- And somehow sensing that or maybe because they feel a great deal of gratitude to him for helping them out of a tight spot, they offer him the chance of a lifetime and lower their door to offer him a one way ticket across the universe? It's now or never and if you're a little lonely too and never felt like you quite fit in here on earth either, you're wishing you were the one getting that offer. Well I did get that offer. And let me be the one to tell you, if you ever get the chance to get on that spaceship and fly across the universe into the unknown. Don't. Ext. UNKNOWN - DAY? Tight on the face of RICH, 25 and nerdy with a face full of wonder and something that could be excitement or fear, but it's hard to tell. Above his head are TWO SUNS -- one off-yellow and one reddish. As we swing around behind him, the location is revealed -- it could only be described as the alien equivalent to the coliseum of Rome. Thousands of SPECTATORS wave tentacles and SHOUT GARBLED LANGUAGES from multiple heads in the seats lining the ring. Several CREATURES -- the size of hippos, with six legs and heads resembling T-Rex's and long tongues that wriggle in the air like snakes with mouths and teeth of their own -- are restrained by massive chains wrapped around their necks. They surround Rich on all sides. He holds a sleek shiny spear. And that look that could have been excitement or fear? Yeah, that's definitely fear.

FEEDBACK 5 I liked this, it was fun and simple and I knew exactly what was going on with a few questions hoping to get answered. That's definitely how you want us to feel -- not confused but also not two steps ahead of you. So great job on that front. This kind of VO works best for the noir style films which is what you seem to be going for. My one thought would be to maybe cut out some of the VO that you can show us -- the can't be him stuff, the one more cup of coffee (which he can say, "last one"), etc. As it is it feels like overtelling and too much leading. This kind of VO was definitely a signature of the old school noirs, so if you want to do a throwback, go for it. Just be aware that for modern audiences, less is more. I think the dialogue and the scene could be more impactful with a little less of the on the nose thinking. And with a little tweaking you could have a great modernized noir that will get audiences excited rather than feeling like they've seen it before.

FEEDBACK 6 Great use of VO as a humorous technique! This was a funny scene with awesome juxtaposition between the story and what was actually happening. I agree with the other comment -- I'd like to see the story set up before. I also felt like the bar man reveal at the end weakened the effect overall and I'm trying to figure out why. It's probably just because we don't have much context for this character since this is only an exercise. But in the spirit of trying to push this further here are a few things that might work: --A different character listening? A date, a kid at the park or something? Whoever you choose to be listening will affect this character's story. A date will make him the kind of person who uses any means possible to sneak into a woman's bed. A kid will mean he wants to impress people because kids are easily impressed and if the kid isn't impressed at all, you could really punch the humor. --Or if you want to keep it as the barman, maybe he knows the guy? This would make him the kind of guy who comes in and tells a tall tale all the time. As it is, he just comes off as a lonely guy and the scene ends on a sad note and not a funny one like you've set up. That last line is the button on a fantastic scene so don't pull the punch!

FEEDBACK 7 A great set up of this character. Really good job bringing him to life and making him feel real. I'd agree with the other comment -- there are a few redundancies that aren't necessary. Try not to use VO for anything you can show. I'd push it even further than he mentioned because I think the real meat of the VO is when he gets to the part about "I know what you're thinking..." I would make that the start of the VO. That was when my interested really piqued. You've got a lot of great stuff here and with a bit of restructuring this scene can be a great driving force for this guy's story.

FEEBACK 8 Excellent VO that built a complete story within the scene. A lot of times we forget that each scene is a mini story that has an arc as well, so great job with that. The only suggestion I can think of is to maybe add a little more of the scene description in between, because I think as it is, it may feel like you're holding on parts of his face solely to get out more of the VO. I know what you're going for -- the slow reveal of the circumstances but is there a way to do that so that the reveal doesn't feel quite as slow? Perhaps the answer is in not focusing only on him? What if you were showing us this guy looking at a room (I'll just shit out an idea so don't get tied up in the details, just the effect) -- since he starts by discussing childhood, it could be a girl's childhood room and then as we pan around the room we start to see hints of the chaos to come while also connecting what we're seeing to the VO to create some depth -- when he talks about love maybe there are pictures of that little girl having grown up and getting married with some soot on the wall. And then when you get to the big reveal, you show that although we've thought we were in a room that was intact, the protagonist is actually in a room with the roof ripped off and the rest of the house has been destroyed in the Armageddon, and our character has his back pressed up against one of the walls over which the demon creature is sniffing around. I think you've got a phenomenal scene that is easily enhanceable with a little more description!

Feedback 15 Why did the aliens just take one human? Seems a long way to fly just to get a single not-so-gladiator. Maybe show many more humans sprinkled among the aliens in the arena. Great use of irony in a dramatic piece.

If it's not part of a project, never mind, concentrate on your current project. Real-life locked room cases are scarce enough, the best of luck with it. Perhaps you're a fan of John Dickson Carr?

Thanks for your comments and suggestions, Jeff. Charlie isn't the kind to keep an accurate count of shots, is he?

Thanks for the comments and suggestions, Tillery. My sometimes quirky sense of humour thrives on changes of tone; it must be kept in check.

Charlie? Count? I sould shay not!

How did you know? My early mystery reading included many of Carr's works. Asimov also had a few who/how dunits, including his Black Widowers short story series. I love puzzles. See https://www.google.com/patents/US4534563 and http://1.usa.gov/17VrWxG

Woah! Nice twist. This is quickly becoming a collaborative effort. Thanks!

So that's how you do a VO! A description like this would totally nail the scene. I'm learning so much from this experience and your feedback. Thanks Tillery!

Between 3 languages, I've read all of JDCarr's book output, that's how. Asimov's Black Widowers are hard to come by--or have they made new editions? An Omnibus, that would be great.

SCENE 9 EXT. FAMILY HOME--DAY A neat, pretty, picture-perfect abode, white picket fence included. CHRISSY(V.O.): Every year when I sit down to write this letter, it seems like time's gone faster and faster. INT. FAMILY HOME--DAY It's a mess, with clutter everywhere and dirty dishes piled high in the sink. CHRISSY (42) argues with her husband TOM (43), gesturing toward the mess as their daughter KAYLA (16) rolls her eyes and turns up the TV to drown out the argument. CHRISSY (V.O.): Everyone's doing fine here, praise the Lord. Every night I give thanks for such a blessed life. INT. LIVING ROOM--DAY CHRISSY (V.O.): Tom's been earning quite a bit with some freelance work, as well as working on a novel and keeping the house ship-shape. He's happier than ever and we're all very proud of him. Tom reclines in his La-Z-Boy in front of the TV, still in his underwear, beer can in hand. He finishes it off and belches loudly a la Homer Simpson, tosses the can toward the trash can but misses. INT. KITCHEN--NIGHT CHRISSY (V.O.): Kayla's working hard at school and her father and I are so proud of her. She's been volunteering at a local soup kitchen in her spare time and all I can say is that she's my pride and joy. Chrissy yells at her daughter over her REPORT CARD, which boasts a long string of D's and F's in addition to multiple absences. Kayla sighs loudly, stuffs a cake in her mouth and stomps off. INT. FAST FOOD CHAIN--NIGHT CHRISSY (VO): As for me, I'm still at the restaurant, working my way up the ladder. My boss says it shouldn't be long beofre I'll be leading the kitchen all by myself. Chrissy, dressed in an employee uniform, yells at a group of sullen teenagers as they slap together some burgers while a line of grumpy-looking customers look on. INT. LIVING ROOM--NIGHT Chrissy comes home to a disaster of a house and her husband passed out in the recliner. She blinks back tears and, resigned, heads off to bed. CHRISSY (VO): Hopefully your year has been as blessed as ours! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

FEEDBACK 9 I really like how you used Rich's VO to set up expectations for his encounter with the aliens, and then threw a twist in at the end by making it completely opposite to what I was expecting. My only criticism would be to save the last sentence of Rich's VO for the very end of the scene, since it gave away the last bit. Other than that, really nice job!

FEEDBACK 6 A mean, lean noirish script. I can really see it as a film. I'd echo the above comment that you don't really need the "that can't be him" dialogue as you can show it. However, you have absolutely nailed the tone you've gone for, good job!