INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY CHELSIE (40's) scrambles through the room in cotton underwear and a large, wrinkled t-shirt. She gathers articles of clothing that are strewn through the room. MATT (20's), fit and half-naked lounges in a chair, feet up on the ottoman, sips on cocktail. CHELSIE: Is that Paul's scotch? MATT: It's good. She throws his pants at him. He spills a bit. MATT: Damn, woman. Easy there. CHELSIE: He'll be here soon, you know. MATT: I'll drink fast. Chelsie, on her hands and knees, strains to reach a shoe from under the bed. MATT: Still frisky? She gets the shoe and hurls it at him. CHELSIE: Not funny. Matt gets up and slowly approaches her. She stops, wants him. They embrace. CHELSIE: No. There's no time. He kisses her. She kisses back. The door CLICKS open. They turn, still touching. In the doorway, CHAD (30's), business casual, but nice - not just khakis and a Oxford Button-down. MATT: Oops. Chelsie separates. CHELSIE: I'm sorry. Chad surveys the room. Sees his scotch on the table. Looks at Chelsie. CHAD: That my shirt? She doesn't know. CHAD: Bitch, you need to get out. Chelsie starts toward the door. CHAD: Leave my shirt. She takes it off, covers her bare breasts and slinks out the door. Chad shuts it behind her, can't turn around to look at Matt. MATT: It was just for fun. CHAD: Wasn't fun for me. Matt approaches Chad, puts his hand on his shoulder. MATT: Sorry, babe. Chad walks away. Picks up the glass of scotch. MATT: I'll -- CHAD: You need to get out, too. Matt steps toward Chad. Chad hurls the glass at him, shatters on the wall. CHAD: Get out!

Feedback 1: Thought it was good, nice effort. I had to read twice to understand the complexity of what is going on. I did feel the phrase "oops" could have been left out as it was a bit obvious, a silent shocked look might work better. The comment about Chad being more concerned about his shirt than what just happened reminded me a bit of that funny/sad scene with Al Pacino in Heat, where he is mostly concerned with his TV in a crucial relationship scene (I wont say more as don't want to spoil it if you haven't watched it yet)

Thanks, Johnny. Wanted to try and turn expectations a bit. Seen "Heat", love it. Gonna have to go back and watch that scene again now. Appreciate the input.

SCENE 1 EXTREME CLOSEUPS of the faces of a man and woman sitting close together, side by side. They are inside a vehicle of some sort. DAVE looks contrite. KATE is calm but steely faced. DAVE: I'm telling you, I'm sorry. KATE: Who is she? DAVE: It's not important. KATE: It is important. Who is she? DAVE: (sighs) Someone I met in a bar. KATE: Wrong. Who is it? DAVE: It's true. I met her in a bar. Then she became a client later. KATE: How did it happen? DAVE: It was that night in the pub. KATE: Wrong. Try again. Dave's face looks down for a moment at Kate's lap, which is out of sight. DAVE: OK. She came on an expedition. The one last month. The one I was guiding with Alan. KATE: And? DAVE: You know what happened on that trip. One of our clients twisted their ankle on a rock. That was her. Alan brought the rest of the group ahead. We stayed behind. Then the storm hit hard. I had to set up a tent. It was just overnight. KATE: So is that when it happened? DAVE: (long pause) Yeah. KATE: Yeah what. DAVE: Yeah thats when it happened. KATE: So you set up that tent pretty quickly from what I hear. Big hero. Saving her and all. I guess you didn't tell the reporter all the details about saving her. DAVE: Look it just happened that once. KATE: Really? Dave looks down at her lap again. DAVE: It happened once after that. Look that's the last time. Really. I don't love her. KATE: Handy you left your phone unlocked. DAVE: So thats how... KATE: Found out. Yeah. And it didn't just happen once after that. It happened five times. You know that. You sent her enough text messages. Dave closes his eyes in anguish. KATE: You need to get out. DAVE: What?! KATE: I'll come back in five days. You've got a backpack. I brought you some food. You're all set. Come on, you're a tough guy. Tough enough to survive that storm last month. DAVE: Come on, this is different! There is a clicking noise by Kate's lap. We now see it is a gun. KATE: If you are here in five days, all is forgiven. I'll pick you up. Thats one day for each time you fooled around. If you aren't here, well then I guess you aren't as tough as you think. Kate points the gun at Dave. Dave starts to gets out. We now see that they are in a small plane sitting on a long strip of sand on a tiny rocky island in the middle of the ocean. There are no trees or cover. Just rocks and sand. Dave is standing outside the plane. Kate throws out a tent, sleeping bag and a few cans of food. KATE: You got through that storm last month. I'm sure you can get through the next one. Kate points to large storm clouds in the distance. She starts up the plane engine, the propeller kicks in. KATE: (shouting out the window) I'd get that tent up if I were you. The plane starts to move, it picks up speed and then gets airborne. Dave is standing alone on the island.

Scene 2: DR JONES: Mister… Smith? SMITH: John. DR JONES: Great. It’s a break-up you want erasing, John? SMITH: Yeah. It’s difficult to move on, you know. Can’t get her out of my head. DR JONES: That’s where I come in. Now, you’ve read the terms and conditions? SMITH: Oh, yes. (DR JONES STARTS CONNECTING CABLES TO SMITH’S HEAD AND HIS OWN) DR JONES: And you’re aware of all the risks inherent in the operation? SMITH: Yeah, yeah. DR JONES: And you’ve never… SMITH: Look, Doc, I’ve read all your stuff, alright? I’ve paid a lot of cash for this, can we just get it over with? DR JONES: Alright. Now, it might feel a little weird at first, but I assure you, I’ll be in and out of your head as quickly as possible. SMITH: You’d better be. DR JONES: OK. Going in. Easy now. SMITH: Ow! DR JONES: A little shock’s normal. OK, a lot of memories here, I’m focusing on… here she is. Emma, is it? Auburn hair, tall… SMITH: Yep. DR JONES: Blue eyes? SMITH: Yeah… wait, no! Emma’s eyes were brown. DR JONES: Are you sure? SMITH: Yes. I think. I’m not sure… but that’s what’s meant to happen, right? I’m forgetting. DR JONES: I haven’t started wiping yet. SMITH: Doc, I don’t like this. I thought you were a professional! DR JONES: Erica… Erica? SMITH: No, Emma! DR JONES: A lot of neural activity around the name Erica… John, be honest with me, have you ever had a memory cleanse before? SMITH: No. At least, I don’t think so. I wouldn’t remember, would I? DR JONES: Well, your record was clean. But there’s clearly been someone in here, and they’ve not left it in good condition. SMITH: What are you saying, Doc… oh! Where did that memory come from? What the fuck did you do? DR JONES: Goddamnit, why would you go to one of those backstreet quacks? SMITH: I don’t know, Doc, it’s fuzzy, I… this is starting to hurt! DR JONES: I’m going to have to abort. SMITH: Get out of my mind, doc! Get the fuck out! DR JONES: I’m trying, but I can only concentrate if you calm your… SMITH: You need to – SMITH AND DR JONES: – get out! SMITH AND DR JONES: Uh oh. SMITH AND DR JONES: This isn’t good.

Feedback 2: I really enjoyed this, quite a high-concept interpretation of the brief but very believable dialogue - love the way he keeps lying over and over again but every time she calls him out on it.

Scene 2 INT. ROOM – NIGHT In half-darkness, a man slumped in an armchair, JOHN (20s), chin on his chest. Glimpses of chrome as the door opens and light spills in. KATE, (30s) enters. KATE: There you are. As always. Feeling sorry for yourself. JOHN: My hands are crippled, my playing career is over. What do you want me to do? KATE: Oh, brother. You got to get over it. You might get a normal job. JOHN: I need more time to figure out what I can do. KATE: You've had time enough. You need to get out. Start living again. JOHN: I had a dream for myself, now it's over. Now I have nothing. Kate leans forward, puts one hands on his shoulder, the other rises his chin. Looks him in the eye. KATE: Life isn't over. You can find new dreams. You will find new dreams. Just give yourself the chance. They remain eye to eye. John raises a scarred hand, clawed fingers, pats her hand. JOHN: Thanks for being here for me, Sis. Kate straightens up with a smile of hope. KATE: There's only so much I can do. It's up to you. John stays still for a moment. Rises from his seat. JOHN: Let's get out.

Feedback 3 Nice twist, I like it. Maybe if you had started with a man walking through a corridor and then the couple inside the apartment, it would build suspense as to if they would be caught. The twist would still work. The focus on the shirt is also a good touch, good subtext. I suspect Chad initially was Paul, since it's "Paul's Scotch".

Where is my script challenge?I uploaded it twice. Am I doing something wrong?

Kieron - thanks for the feedback and taking the time to read it much appreciated - Johnny

Feedback 2 Thought it was good and tight and faced paced. I can definitely see this being a scene in a longer story. The double speaking at the end felt like a comedy twist which was breaking the serious feel of the earlier part of the scene, and wasn't sure if that was the intent. (normally I hear characters voicing synchronized dialogue in that manner in buddy comedy films when they are about to jump off a building together!)

Whoops! I screwed that one up. Yes, that was Chad's scotch. Paul's a jerk. Who would want his scotch...? Haha. Thanks for the feedback!

Johnny, cool quick banter. Like how she kept him on track. The longer lines could use a bit of tightening up on the exposition, but you create a solid story within a story. Nice job!

@lefty444 Not sure how you're adding your scene, but I just copy and paste right into the comment box.

Ella: You need to get out now. Jodi: Why? Why do I need to... Ella: Because you need to get out now. Jodi: Really... Ella: You can't carry on like this, day in day out, me having to drag you out of the bed. You're old enough to get up by yourself. Jodi: Oh, mum... Ella: Sleeping all the time, it's not good for you. When I was your age, well... hell, things haven't changed that much. Why are you sleeping so much anyway? Jodi: I'm just tired. Ella: You're tired? Jodi: Yeah, tired... Ella: You really need to... Oh my god... oh my god... Are you taking drugs. No, no, no, it's not that. Its not that is it? I'd know if you were taking drugs, I mean well, I think I'd know. Jodi: No, mum, I'm not taking drugs. Ella: Oh no, you can't be.... you just can't be.... I can't even bring myself to say it. You're pregnant aren't you? I should have known. How did I not know? Jodi: Mum - - Ella: That's it. I knew it. I slept all the way through the first trimester with you. Oh my god, I'm too young to be a grandmother. Jodi: Mum - - Ella: Tell me you're not pregnant, please... Do you even have a boyfriend? Jodi: Mum - - Ella: Honey, maybe its depression. Do you have depression? Is that why you're sleeping all the time? Awh, honey, that's so sad. You're depressed because you don't have a boyfriend. Believe me, you're better off without one. Jodi: Mum - - Ella: Anyway, its beside the point. Depressed, pregnant or doing drugs, you need to get out of that bed right now. I've got the laundry to do. Jodi: Mum... Its Saturday... Ella: What? Its Saturday? Its not Monday? Jodi: No, its Saturday and its seven o'clock in the morning. Ella: I'm sorry, honey. You just go back to sleep now.

FEEDBACK 3 Nice scene of loss and finding strength through others. As I’m sitting here looking at the scene, I can’t help but feel like ending on “let’s get out” leaves me hanging though. “You need to get out” is such a charged phrase; it oozes of conflict. I’m not saying John and Kate should have a fist fight or anything, but using “let’s get out” as segway to the middle of the scene might have a stronger punch as opposed to ending on it, but that’s just my opinion!

INTO. DINER-NIGHT ACE DIAMOND, a Private detective enters and quickly slides into booth and lights up cigarette. BEVERLY, WAITRESS, 20, walks over pad in hand and puts cup of coffee down. BEVERLY Come on, Ace, you know the rules. ACE It's just you and me, Bev. Who's going to say anything? I won't if you won't. BEVERLY I could lose my job. ACE Swell. then you could come live with me. BEVERLY A studio apartment overlooking a Bodega. Just what I've always dreamed of. ACE But, you'd have me to come home to every night. BEVERLY Very tempting. Let me run that by my husband. You want your usual? ACE Your husband could see you on weekends. That seems fair. Skip the eggs over. I'm not very hungry for anything. Except you. She puts her pad back in her pocket. BEVERLY I'm not on the menu. Ace takes another slow drag on his cigarette. ACE I'll talk to the manager about that. You'd be a much better choice than the oatmeal. She leans over takes the cigarette from his lips and puts it out in saucer. ACE You're right. These things could kill you. BEVERLY Not you. You're probably gonna get shot by some pissed off husband. Ace smiles ACE If it was yours, it would be worth it. BEVERLY He'll be here in about ten minutes. You might get a chance to test your theory. ACE How much does he know about us? BEVERLY Nothing. But he dislikes you enough to put a bullet through you just because you're at my table. ACE Does he shoot all your customers? BEVERLY Just the lousy tippers (Pause) You've got to get out. ACE I think I'd like some eggs, scrambled. BEVERLY It looks like you might be getting some brains scrambled. Here comes my husband and I think you're looking like a very bad tipper to him. FRANK, Beverly's husband heads straight for Ace's table. FADE TO BLACK. ..

FEEDBACK 4 Great job! I really enjoyed this scene, I definitely laughed at the end. I was left with one question though, what was Ella going through in her life to space out about being so early on Saturday? Obviously you only have one scene to work with, but maybe when shes asking Jodi questions she's also yelling at other people in the house to clean up their rooms while running past the door with hands full of laundry and trying to making a phone call at the same time. Personally, I think showing a little more of Ella’s character to cause her to loose all sense of time would add even more humor. Again, great scene!

SCENE 2 Int. Martial Arts Dojo - Day (JOHN/YUKI (30's) practices Wing Chun exercises on wooden dummy trainer. SENSEI's staff smashes into the trainer) SENSEI: Boy! You not trying! JOHN: (startled) Yes I am. (John mockingly makes offensive faces. The blind Sensei (80's) is oblivious. He retracts his staff and puts it near his ear. The staff is furnished with a small ornate hour-glass. Only a few grains left yet to fall) SENSEI: Again. JOHN: My time is almost up. (John begins walking for the exit) SENSEI: Again, Yuki san! (John continues walking) SENSEI: John san, you finish lesson! Honor tradition! (John stops in his tracks. The last sand in the hour-glass falls. The doors open and MASAKO, 20's with soft features, shy nature, and beautiful kimono; walks in with a tray of tea. She smiles at John) JOHN: Not my tradition. Tea time, nice! That's what I'm talking about. I love me some sweet tea. (John overtly circles around Masako to get a better "view") SENSEI: (accepting tea) We do not drink...'sweet tea.' JOHN: What? No sweet tea? Forget this then. I'm out! SENSEI: When first bee brought honey to Man of Mountain, he no questions, he ate. It taste good. Lots of energy. He ate so much he get sick. The Man of Mountain not keep watch and the Mountain not strong. It collapse and the beauty of Mountain and strength gone forever. JOHN: Yeah...alrighty. Good talk old man. (Masako grazes John's hand while offering him tea. She giggles softly) SENSEI: (angry) MASAKO! (Sensei slowly begins twirling his staff) MASAKO: (to John) You need to get out! (The staff spins faster and faster, then smashes into Masako's tea plate. Sensei and Masako engage in an intense flurry of blows and counterblows) MASAKO: (to John) LEAVE! NOW! (John attacks Sensei too. Blows are exchanged among everyone.) (The Sensei suddenly stops and Masako attacks John. Both trade blows) JOHN: What are you doing? SENSEI: You practice, you strong man, no? JOHN: I don't want to fight, her! (Masako lands a final blow. John collapses on floor. She circles around him with a dominant glare) SENSEI: Masako not your sweet, she honor tradition. Now practice again Yuki san. You too will honor tradition.

Scene 5 INT. DARK MODERN LABORATORY - NIGHT PROFESSOR KLIMT (65) opens the door to the lab to a clearly tired and unshaven PATRICK (23). PROF. KLIMT: Mr.Johansson. I knew you vould come. Did you bring it? PATRICK: And good evening to you too Professor. PROF. KLIMT: No time for pleasantries, my boy. There is much to do. Qvick, come in! Sit down and load up your algorithm. The Professor grabs Patrick and sits him down in front of a massive computer array full of monitors. PATRICK: OK, OK. Geez! Is there any coffee? PROF. KLIMT: Kofee... kofee! Yes! Forgot about the kofee. You need kofee to operate. The machine in the hall is in the fritz so I took the liberty of preparing for you my special blend. Let me get it. Patrick pulls out a flash drive, plugs it in and starts working his magic. The professor carefully takes out a Thermos and pours out the hot liquid in a cup. He then pours some white powder from a small brown unmarked envelope, unbeknownst to Patrick. PROF. KLIMT: Here you go. But don't drink yet. Let it rest. Too hot, you know. PATRICK: Thanks. Wait a minute... PROF. KLIMT: What! PATRICK: I don't recognise this code. This lines up to the mainframe... no, the main grid. Why do you need so much power? PROF. KLIMT: (Nervously) Have you loaded up the algorithm? PATRICK: Well, yes. But I don't see how... PROF. KLIMT: Then its all done. Drink up my boy. Your work here is done. The professor goes to another computer terminal and starts pushing some buttons. Sounds of machines start to sound in the background. Patrick drinks the coffee in a big gulp. PATRICK: Damn! This special blend of yours is terrible. PROF. KLIMT: It's all happening. Oh! Look at these readings! Its beautiful. PATRICK: I'm sorry professor but I need to ask. Couldn't this have waited until morning? You make me come here in the middle in the night, feed me bad coffee and now you are acting all weird. PROF. KLIMT: I guess it is safe to tell you now, my boy. You are about to vitness a moment that will change history for ever... literally! Your vonderfull algorithm was the last piece of the puzzle. A door has been opened that will transform our understanding of life and strengthen our place in the universe. Its exactly as it was predicted. PATRICK: OK, you are officially freaking me out. PROF. KLIMT: Don't you understand? The multidimensionality of the spacetime continuum is going to be exposed, its secrets made available to us. No longer will we be simple observers from afar. We are in full control of our destinies. PATRICK: What's going on professor? You are not making any sense. PROF. KLIMT: A vormhole generator you silly. One that will take us anyvere in time. Imagine the possibilities. The opportunity to right all wrongs. No more dark ages. Think what Leonardo would accomplish with modern technology. PATRICK: Professor, you need to calm down. You are not making any sense. That is ridiculous. The professor suddenly freezes and vanishes into thin air. PATRICK: Professor? Professor? MAN: Boy was he wrong. Patrick turns around to find a dark figure standing behind him. Quick like lightning the figure jumps towards Patrick, and shoots an injection gun into his arm. Patrick winces in pain. MAN: Don't worry, that's just a tracking device. The man reloads the injection gun and shoots him again in the neck. MAN: This will take care of the poison running through your veins. PATRICK: Stop, please. Who are you. What do you... The light of one of the monitors lights up the man's bald head giving a clear look at his scarred face. PATRICK: No. It's not possible. MAN: Like looking into the most fucked up mirror in the world, right? Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. Patrick's jaw falls in amazement. He cannot utter another word. The ground begins to shake. MAN: Listen Patrick, the professor has been erased, which means I have less than an hour to find a way to keep the wormhole open. Needless to say, your life is about to get a lot more interesting, but you need to get out, now.

Feedback 2. That last phrase from Beverly cracked me up! Excellent timing, great build up to the "get out" climax. The whole relationship is elegantly exposed.

• • • FEEDBACK 2 • • • Hi Johnathan, This started out with good flow; a nice bounce from dialogue to action; her urgency, his lack of it. The tension stayed through to Chad walking in the door and was nicely broken w/ his focus on the shirt; as the other reviewers said. Added a nice comedic effect & let the viewer/reader take a breath. From there it lost it's groove. The dialogue wasn't at tight. The interaction between Chad and Matt wasn't as natural & felt a bit forced. You have a good scene here as fas as structure though. There is rising action, a conflict climax and the descending action. Nice work. This is something so many aspiring screenwriters don't grasp or pay attention to. Each scene needs to be it's own mini movie. No doubt some revising would really tighten this up. Good work J.

• • • FEEDBACK 3 • • • Hi Evan, Nice to see a scene that didn't involve a lovers spat/breakup etc. Shows imagination and creativity. Good action & dialogue. Could use a little tightening up but overall very good for a first "draft" :) Like the twist with Masako at the end & would hold true to a dedicated student defending her master and teacher as well as taking the art seriously. A side note: Wing Chun is a Chinese internal martial art and the students refer to their teacher as Sifu. Sensei is what students of Japanese arts, such as Karate, call their teacher. They would never be interchangeable. Good work Evan. Tara -

• • • FEEDBACK 4 • • • Hi Ricardo Same with Evan above, it's nice to see you chose a scene that did not involve a lovers spat/breakup. This is exactly what these exercises are for; improving your craft and using your imagination. This was a fun scene. I didn't understand the Professors motivation for poisoning Patrick, especially since he was so useful. Perhaps have Patrick start experiencing the effects of the poison which is making it difficult for him to understand the professor. A few more lines to tie this in would work. As for the dialogue, the rule is, never write in accents like "Qvick" etc you did here. If a character speaks with a certain accent, just make note of it in the action or parenthetical If the character speaks with a certain dialect in which words are unique to that; like "you'z" for "you" in Bronx or "ya'll" in the South or "s'up" for "what's up" - then it's ok to write dialogue using those words. Leave out accents. I like the end but it took me a minute to figure out Patrick was looking at an alternate version of himself; had to reread that. You definitely have a story here and hope you're working on something with this in greater depth. Keep it up.

Dear TaraUnscripted Thank you very much for your feedback. Point taken on how to write the accents (I am uneducated with respect to the scriptwriting rules so this is extremely helpful). As for the reason the professor wanted to poison Patrick, well that is easily explained... in the next scenes. Again, thanks for your help.

SCENE 4 INT. MILITARY COMPOUND (PLANET ALPHA 73) - DAY The group of mercenaries rushes left and right, stacking crates and moving vehicles to create a fort inside the fort, ultimate walls for the inevitable. CAROL (32), JAYNE (37), COLLO (28) and CAPTAIN WALKER (45) run around with purpose and efficiency. If God was to send mercenaries to save the day, it would be these four. In the back of the room, THE APPRENTICE (22) looks at them, his body contrived between the will to help and the lack of knowledge to be able to do so. Captain Walker shouts through the room. CAPTAIN WALKER: Kid, you gotta get out of here. Now. THE APPRENTICE: No. No way. I'm staying with you. You need more men. The Captain stops and rushes to The Apprentice, stopping his face a few inches from the young man's. CAPTAIN WALKER: Men. Not kids who haven't seen the war. THE APPRENTICE: I want to fight, I want to be a man too. I'm tired of people protecting me and keeping on the side. I want to fight too. (Then softer) I want to fight. The Captain softens too and puts his hand on The Apprentice's shoulder. CAPTAIN WALKER: When you became a guardian of the Pristine, your ability to want anything was taken away from you. You have a duty, be truthful to it. THE APPRENTICE: My duty is to fight to protect the Pristine. CAPTAIN WALKER: No, that's our duty, we fight to protect you and you keep it as far away from them as possible. As he speaks, he thrusts a finger towards the giant door on the other side of the door which, in response, trembles in a giant BOOM. JAYNE: They here Capt'n. The Captain's friendly hand on The Apprentice's shoulder toughens and pushes him backwards. CAPTAIN WALKER: Now leave, run until you reach the Doctor's territory. He will protect you. BOOM. The door crackles. CAPTAIN WALKER: You have a chance to turn this war around. Now go. BOOM. The door crumbles. CAPTAIN WALKER: GO. The Apprentice turns around a runs through a small door and into a corridor. As the apprentice runs, he hears the Captain shooting orders. CAPTAIN WALKER (O.S): Do whatever you have to do but let them do through. In the background, GUNSHOTS and BOOMS and BANGS resonate as The Apprentice runs faster than he ever has.

SCENE 1 EXT. CAR CRASH SCENE - DAY A disemboweled car lies upside down on a deserted Highland road. PC ALASDAIR MCINALLY (29), and his superior: Sergeant George Mackay (37) look at the ensuing carnage. GEORGE This is my fifth fatal car crash this week. George sighs. GEORGE Al, how long have you been on the force son? ALASDAIR Still in muh probationary year, sir. GEORGE Does it not bother ye - to see what an automobile can do to a man? ALASDAIR Ehh...sometimes...sir. Ah try no tae think about it. GEORGE Ye can only see so many of things before ye need tae take the long term sick, if ye know what I mean. George takes out his wallet, and shows Alasdair a photograph. GEORGE I'm stuck here til I can get my pension. Another ten years of looking at mangled corpses. If it wasn't for my wife, I'd have chucked it a long time ago. An fire engine slows down next to the car. A couple of FIREFIGHTERS get out and survey the car. ALASDAIR Shouldn't we help them? GEORGE What's the point? ALASDAIR It's our job! GEORGE Our job is to protect and serve - all that's left in that car is a pile of raw meat. That's how ye have tae see it if ye want to stay in this job! Firemen cut up the car. ALASDAIR But that's a hellish job they're doing. GEORGE And ours isn't? Look. Al. Mate. I may be stuck here for another decade, but you don't have to be. You're a young guy, ye could anything ye want - go traveling or work in a bank. Whatever. Just get out of here before ye lose yer mind. Ye need tae get out.

Thanks for the feedback, Evan S. Pleased to know you had a smile at the end. What was Ella going through? Nothing more than a multi-tasking mum's daily routine. Again, thank you for the feed back and am now going to return the favour.

One thing I liked about this scene was the hourglass. It gave some a sense of time and urgency with the grains of sand running away. They were quite in character with all the “san” stuff which gave it an added sense of atmosphere. To be honest, I was waiting for more to happen than the appearance of the proverbial girl in a kimono offering tea, Still, Jackie Chang films are very popular and this certainly smacked of being one. Best bit was where she landed him one and he was too much of a gentleman to give her one back even though they were in a conflictive environment. Liked it.

INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – DAY Two men, face to face. RENOIT, the older, wears a silk suit. BELTRAN is similarly dressed, but disheveled and sweaty. RENOIT: You need to get out. BELTRAN: It's not my fault. I didn't mean for it to go like this. RENOIT: Then why did you come? BELTRAN: Just to see if we could work somethin' out. RENOIT: And this is your idea of working something out? Renoit indicates the room with a gloved hand. The room looks like the most popular route of an elephant stampede. BELTRAN: Things sort of got out of hand. (smirks) RENOIT: What do you think the committee is going to do when they find out? BELTRAN: (grin evaporating) Why do they have to find out? RENOIT: They don't pay me to keep secrets from them. BELTRAN: Dead men don't tell no secrets, Renny! Beltran wraps his fingers around a bloody baseball bat on the floor. Renoit takes two paces and steps on the bat, crushing Beltran's fingers beneath it. BELTRAN: Hey! Hey! Stop! I was just jokin'. Get off! Get off! Renoit lifts his foot an inch. Beltran lets go of the bat and clutches his hand. BELTRAN: Who do you think you are? RENOIT: Take everything you brought and get the fuck out. BELTRAN: (shrugs) All I brought was the bat. RENOIT: You talk better with a bat in your hand? Beltran starts towards the bat again. Renoit slaps his face. BELTRAN: Shit. RENOIT: What did you touch? The doorknob? The table? Anything? BELTRAN: Naw. Nothin'. Just the bat. Lemme wipe it off. RENOIT: I'll take care of the bat. You just get out. BELTRAN: She disrespected me. RENOIT: (drawing a .38 snubnose with silencer) Out, or I'll disrespect your ass. BELTRAN: You can't do this to me. But he raises his hands and backs toward the door, watching Renoit. RENOIT: Don't step on her, for God's sake. Beltran looks down and sees he's almost treading on the battered, bleeding corpse of a woman. He sidesteps, opens the apartment door, and leaves. RENOIT: You stupid son of a bitch. He straightens and vacuums the room, emptying the dust bag into the toilet and installing a new one. He puts the old bag in his pocket, then wipes the doorknob. He drops the bloody bat into a tall umbrella stand and autodials a number on his cell phone. RENOIT: (into phone) The candidate has left the building. VOICE ON PHONE: Any prints? RENOIT: Full maid service. Tip me when I get back. VOICE ON PHONE: And the weapon? RENOIT: In five minutes, it'll be in the Hudson. VOICE ON PHONE: Okay. Close up. (hangs up) Renoit puts the phone away and picks up the umbrella stand. RENOIT: (to bat) Mickey Mantle never swung a bat worth as much as you. (exits)

Oops. That was my Scene 5.

Feedback 6 Jeff Gripping, exciting, leaves you hungry for more. Every image building up from the last until you get the whole picture, and a cliffhanger ending. Very nice.

FEEDBACK 5: I think the scene would read better without the accented dialog. In the scene description, you can specify if they have specific accents and then you can focus on the dialogue and not worry about how to convey the accents phonetically and consistently. Initially, George doesn’t speak with any particular accent. Then after Alasdair speaks, George’s lines starts to incorporate phonetically written dialogue. I like that you approached this dialogue challenge with a scene that culminates in advice to “get out” of a profession/job rather than “getting out” of a physical room or location.

Thank you Tara, your feedback is definitely appreciated! Good call on my ignorance of Wing Chun. I'm glad you caught me. I know you're supposed to write what you know, but I decided to take a risk. Anyway, I'm happy to hear you enjoyed the twist. Thanks again!

That's really helpful Liz. I agree, tea being served is pretty stereotypical, although I tried to pull it into the scene (flirting) and play with expectations (she's anything but a Chinese "lady") as opposed to passively just having people drink tea, which I often find to be the case. I don't think it turned out as well as it could have, so it's good to hear how you saw the scene.

Pale flourescent lighting fills a bland hospital room. The steady whirring and beeping of monitors. CAROL (43) sits at the side of the bed. Dried bloodshot eyes, drained from hours of sobbing over her sleeping angel, BETH (14). She glances up. A solemn MICHAEL (49) stands hesitantly at the doorway. CAROL: You need to get out. MICHAEL: For god's sake, Carol. She's my daughter. Carol yanks her head away. Deep down she has to grant his point, but still can't look at the bastard. She slowly turns back at the sound of SLURPING. AMY (30) sidles up next to Michael, taking a refreshing gulp from a can of Diet Coke. She's a younger, skinnier, prettier version of Carol. AMY: Here's your change, Babe. CAROL: YOU need to get the fuck out. Amy's jaw drops and hangs there, incredulous. She turns to her man, who just gives a subtle nod. She scoffs and sulks away. Michael raises a penitent glance. CAROL: What is she doing here? MICHAEL: She's a part of my life. Michael slowly approaches the hospital bed where his little girl sleeps. A sublte smile forms at seeing the peacefulness of her face, and cracks at finding the violence at her wrist. MICHAEL: My baby girl. What did you do? (to Carol) Why would she do this? A cry for attention? CAROL: Look at her arm, Michael. She cut vertically, and not once. Over and over again like she was hacking to the bone. Doctors were in surgery for hours repairing the damage. MICHAEL: Why would she do this? CAROL: Why do you think? What do you think her life has been like? MICAHEL: I knew it would be a difficult transition. But this? I didn't know- CAROL: How could you know? How could you know what she has been going through? When's the last time you even saw her? MICHAEL: I wanted to see her. I begged you. I begged you to let her visit us. CAROL: Us? MICHAEL: Yes, us. I'm her father. I have a right to see her. I have a right to introduce her to Amy. I have a right to explain to her that- CAROL: That you care more about your own cock than the people you're supposed to love? MICHAEL: Jesus! That's what I'm talking about. You're filling her head with this... CAROL: Truth. MICHAEL: Hate. You can hate me, that's fine. But not her. I'm her father. She loves me. Every instinct she has tells her to love me. What do you think it does to her to hear these things? Only your side of things? If you would just let her see me. Let her see how happy I am- CAROL: How happy you are? Well I'm so glad that you're happy, Michael. God knows you deserve to be happy, above all. Nevermind the rest of us. Nevermind all the pain and sorrow and humiliation we have to go through. It's all worth it if you can be happy. Beth stirs awake, her parents forget themselves for once and lean into her. She speaks barely above a whisper. BETH: Mom? CAROL: I'm here baby. Everything's ok. Mama's here. MICHAEL: I'm here too, baby. Beth curls into the fetal position, back to her father. BETH: I don't want him here. Carol looks up at Michael. He's gutted. CAROL: You need to get out.

Thanks for your input, Evan.

Feedback 4 Since lousy seems like the stronger word, a little rewrite: ACE Does he shoot all your customers? BEVERLY Just [[the lousy]] bad tippers (Pause) You’ve got to get out. ACE I think I’d like some eggs, scrambled. BEVERLY You may get some scrambled brains instead. There comes my husband, looking at you like you're a lousy tipper. [[It looks like you might be getting some brains scrambled. Here comes my husband and I think you’re looking like a very bad tipper to him.]]

Dialogue Challenge Day 5 Based on "you need to get out" INT. A TUNNEL Tight. Dirty. Dark. A single light bobs closer. This is WAYNE. He worm crawls his way through a human sized gopher tunnel. The light beams from his helmet. A RADIO CRACKLES. RADIO: Wayne, give me your location. WAYNE: I'm about 100 meters in. RADIO: You need to get out of there. I don't know how long it will hold. WAYNE: Janie, I just got in here. I have to access the damage and find the safe room. RADIO: I can't risk it. We'll have to find another way to get to the survivors. The integrity of that tunnel is compromised. WAYNE: So a guy and his boss ride into a tunnel? INT. HQ RADIO ROOM-SAME TIME Janie stands at the radio desk. She rolls her eyes and clicks the radio. JANIE: This is no time for jokes. Int. TUNNEL-SAME TIME Wayne continues to crawl along the length of the tunnel. WAYNE: They’re on this train in the Alps, sitting right across from a young lady and her grandmother. It becomes clear that the guy and the young lady are interested because they are giving each other looks. Wayne reaches a section that's partially blocked by rubble. He reaches behind him a pulls forward a pointed rock hammer. WAYNE: (as he hacks at the rocks) Every time the train goes through a tunnel, the lights blink out. So as the train travels through another tunnel, the lights go out. All of sudden they heard the sound of kissing and a slap. Suddenly a tremor rattles the tunnel. RADIO: Wayne we felt a tremor up here. You need to get out, now. WAYNE: so when the lights could back on, the four sit looking at each other. The grandmother thinks "Well, that was brash of him to steal a kiss. I'm glad she slapped him." Wayne clears the blockage and continues down the tunnel. He comes to a vertical shaft and shines his light down the hole. It's the only way to go. Wayne begins to set up his safety rig. He anchors himself to the tunnel wall and shimmies over the edge. He spider walks his way down the vertical wall. WAYNE: The boss thinks "I didn't know he had the balls to kiss her, I wish she had slapped him instead of me." The young lady thinks "He's a great kisser, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him.” Another TREMOR rumbles down the tunnel. Wayne stops and covers his head as debris rains down on him. WAYNE: (to himself) Dammit. Down it is. RADIO: Wayne!! Come in. What's your twenty? Once it stops, he brushes off the dirt and shines his light upward. A large rock has blocked the tunnel's entrance. WAYNE: I'm rappelling down the vertical shaft approximate 50 meters from where the safety room is located. (beat) So, the guy sits there with a big, satisfied smile on his face and he thinks "Life is good. I got to kiss a beautiful girl AND slap my boss all at the same time.” Wayne laughs to himself. INT. HQ RADIO ROOM-SAME TIME Janie smiles to herself as she shakes her head. WAYNE (O.S.) do you know the moral of the story? JANIE: No WAYNE (O.S.) That when I find these miners, you'll either kiss me or slap me. JANIE: Ha, not likely. WAYNE: (O.S) Tell you what, I'll even let you pick. Either way it's a good time for m..... The ground shakes violently and Wayne's radio goes dead. JANIE: Wayne? Wayne!!!

Writing Challenge SCENE 5 INT. – PRISON CAFETERIA – DAY Prisoners are standing in line in the cafeteria waiting to get their lunch. INK (30), is in line with his friend DUKE (34). Ink is in a weird mood and Duke doesn’t understand what’s wrong. DUKE: Same old slop we had yesterday. Slightly warmed up. I think my taste buds are going to kill themselves soon. INK: What? DUKE: I was just makin’ a joke, Ink. What’s up with you today? INK: Duke, I know this is gonna sound crazy but you need to get out! DUKE: Doesn’t sound crazy to me, Ink. Hell, brother, I’m looking at 15 to 20. I tell myself that every day. INK: No! I mean today! You need to get out! Duke gets a concerned look on his face. He looks around at all the other inmates suspiciously. DUKE: Do you know something I should know, man? Did somebody put a hit out on me? INK: No. I can’t explain it. I just know that something bad is gonna happen today. DUKE: You mean like you’re psychic or somethin’? INK: Duke, you gotta listen to me, man. You need to-- DUKE: Yeah, I heard the first two times. I need to get out. And here I thought you were just a tattoo artist. By the way, that skull you did on my arm yesterday is itching like hell. DUKE rolls up his sleeve and looks at it. His eyes grow big and he gets pale. DUKE: What the… INK: What is it, Duke? What’s wrong? Duke shows Ink his arm. Where Ink had tattooed a skull are the words “YOU NEED TO GET OUT!” written in blood red. DUKE: This ain’t funny, Ink! INK: I promise, Ducky, I didn’t do that. Duke looks at Ink with a confused expression. DUKE: What did you call me? INK: Ducky. That’s what I always call you. DUKE: Nobody ever calls me that except my sister because she knows I don’t like it. What gives here, Ink? INK: Just listen to me, Ducky, you need to get out. DUKE: Stop calling me that, Ink! Just then two large men walk up to Duke. EDGE (45) and DEACON (38) are intimidating and dangerous. EDGE: Duke, you stole my place in line. DUKE: Edge, I’m having a weird day here. But if you want the dog crap they call food around here that bad, have at it. DEACON: You need to watch your tone when you’re talkin’ to Edge. DUKE: I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, Deacon. DEACON: You need to get out, Ducky. DUKE: What did you say? DEACON: I don’t think I stutter, son. Get out of the line. Ink starts backing away. INK: Come on, Ducky, you gotta fight. Duke looks incredulously at Ink. DUKE: Are you serious? Look, guys, I just want to do my time and do it quietly. EDGE: Sucks being you then. Cause’ your time’s up. Edge pulls out a shiv and jams it into Dukes ribcage. He pulls it out and stabs him several more times. Duke falls to the ground and a pool of blood appears beneath him. Ink begins screaming. INK: Ducky! Fight, Ducky! Duke looks up at Ink and a small smile forms on his face. DUKE: It’s okay…Ink. I’ll be fine. Duke’s eyes slowly close. CUT TO: INT. - HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY GALE (38) is sitting next to a hospital bed. Her brother, Duke is flat-lining and she is crying. GALE: Ducky! Please fight, Ducky! The DOCTOR (55) puts his hand on her shoulder. Doctor: I’m sorry, Mrs. Deacon. There’s nothing else we can do. I’m sure he tried to fight to wake up but sometimes it’s not meant to be. Gale reaches over and kissed Duke on the forehead.

Feedback #1 It was nice back and forth between Wayne and Janie. Him telling a joke to keep himself and her distracted (I'm assuming) worked for me. I thought the tension was tight and you wonder what's going to happen to Wayne. This was mostly an exercise about dialogue and I thought you did well at explaining the action to a minimum while still conveying what was going on. Good job!

SCENE 5: INT. OLD ABANDONED HOUSE – DAY A MAN, 36, wearing an orange safety vest and hard hat, enters a grubby abandoned house. He walks through the empty living room, dining room, and kitchen. MAN: If anyone’s still here, better get out now. We’re demolishing this structure in 15 minutes. No joke. You need to get out. He enters the master bedroom. He opens the closet door revealing two druggie teens huddled together. MAN: Get up and get out. This place is going to be flattened in a few minutes. The two teens, high on something, giggle as they exit the house. They leave the front door wide open. MAN (into cell phone): Did you get a look at those two idiots? Jeezus. DISEMBODIED VOICE (softly): Get out… MAN (into cell phone): Damn it. More tweeker urchins. It’s like an infestation. I’ll get back to you. MAN: Hey! I told you street tweeks to get the hell out. Stop playing and show yourselves. Do you want to die? DISEMBODIED VOICE: Do you want to die? MAN: Little shits. The Man checks the kitchen again. This time he sees two clean-cut children playing hopscotch on the checkered linoleum floor. They are oblivious to him. MAN: What the-- Suddenly, RATS jump from the top of the refrigerator onto his head. MAN: AHHH! He furiously slaps them off his body. The rats scurry off and out the front door. MAN: Shit, shit, shit. Goddamn fucking rats! DISEMBODIED VOICE: If you want to see Helen and Maddie again, you need to get out! All color drains from the Man’s face. On the verge of freaking the hell out -- MAN: Who the fuck are you? The children stop playing hopscotch. They turn and look at him with dead black eyes. MAN: Shit. The Man runs for his life to the front door. The demon spawns give chase. Just as he reaches the door, it slams shut in his face. The feral children jump on him. Blood curdling screams emanate from the house.

SCENE 7 INT. NIGHT. OFFICE. Empty cubicles. Some comps are winking, still on. Harried voice of woman talking on the phone. WOMAN: yes, yes, I understand its 2 AM in the morning in New York and yes you have a blizzard in New York and I KNOW this is completely unreasonable but— (pause) WOMAN: A limousine for Mr X. Private jet, so that should be… yes, yes, that’s right, Teterboro, ETA… (voice trails away)… Cellphone rings on woman’s table. Woman hands it to young office boy. OFFICE BOY: Madam is on the phone. International call. Yes, ten in the night. But not in America. Game? What game? Best of luck! I will pass on your message… CLICK. WOMAN: (briskly) So if you could pass on the car number and then driver’s cellphone number, both for security clearance, you understand, it would really help… Ten minutes? Ok, I’m waiting CLICK (disconnects). OFFICE BOY: JASON called. He has a big game tonight. Sounded upset too—asked how long would you take…. WOMAN: All this week I’ve been going home at midnight. Can’t blame them! Thank God for takeout and prefrozen dinners… OFFICE BOY: If you take the metro you can still reach by half time-- (Phone rings) WOMAN: Yessir, it’ll be done sir. Limousine at Teterboro, security cleared…. LAUSANNE? Didn’t know about that sir…a change in plans... hotel, car, security… Lausanne, right sir. I’ll take care of it, sir (Puts phone down. Puts head on table. Weeps.) OFFICE BOY: You really need to get out. Go. Both of them look at each other. Phone trills and continues to ring in the otherwise empty office.

FEEDBACK 3 Really imaginative, tight scene. The writing reminded me of Richard Stark, and I was seriously anxious that one of the characters wouldn't live past the final sentence. Kudos on getting "you need to get out" out of the way in the first line.

SCENE #3: INT. APARTMENT - DUSK CHLOE (20s) lies on her side half hidden under some fluffy white blankets, staring out of the floor to ceiling windows at the New York skyline in WILL’s (also 20s) industrial loft apartment. She turns to face Will who is absently plays with her hair while checking emails on his Blackberry. CHLOE: Will, I think I need to get out. WILL: Meaning… CHLOE: I need to get out, you need to get out, we both do… WILL: Out of what? CHLOE: Goldman. New York. This whole environment. Will puts his blackberry on the bedside table and snuggles further into the blankets, his arms encircling Chloe. WILL: Chloe, Chloe, Chloe. CHLOE: I’m being serious. WILL: Alright, where are we going? CHLOE: I don’t know, somewhere not here, where we can be our true selves. Will’s Blackberry makes a ping-ing noise in the background, alerting him that he’s received an email. WILL: And who’s that? CHLOE: I don’t know Will. Will’s Blackberry makes another ping-ing noise. CHLOE: I just, sometimes I’m sitting there and I can imagine what my life is going to be like when I’m 30… when I’m 40… it’s already all so planned out, and it scares me, because I don’t think I like what it looks like…. Will is silent, contemplative. He’s about to respond when his Blackberry makes a ping-ing sound, again. He reaches for his phone and quickly scans the email. He gets out of the bed and begins reaching for his t-shirt and shorts that are strewn around the room. As he dresses… WILL: Hold those thought Chlo – I just got an email from Benson, and I have to go back to work, but I’ll be back later tonight, alright? And we’ll finish this conversation. Chloe, having not moved or spoken at all, observes from the bed. Will gives her a quick kiss on the forehead before letting himself out.

SCENE 8 INT. BEDROOM--DAY SARAH (29) marches in, yanks the curtains open to revela a cluttered room sorely in need of a good cleaning. In bed, her brother JOHN (27) groans, yanks the covers over his head. SARAH: Oh no you don't. She yanks them back down. SARAH: I've had enough of this. You're not wasting another day lying in bed feeling sorry for yourself. JOHN: Just another hour, then I'll get up. He pulls a pillow over his head. Sarah grabs it, tosses it across the room. SARAH: That's what you said yesterday. JOHN: Thirty minutes, then. SARAH: Nope. You're going to get up, you're going to shower and you're going to rejoin the living. John reluctantly sits up, but makes no further effort to get out of bed. Sarah pulls out a trash bag and starts tossing in empty boxes and beer cans. JOHN: It's too soon. SARAH: It's been a month. JOHN: I need more time. Sarah sighs, torn between exasperation and sympathy. Sits down next to him on the bed. SARAH: You need to get out, John. I know you miss her, but shutting yourself away like this...it's not what Trisha would've wanted for you. John's eyes water at the name. He looks away. SARAH: You know I'm right. John nods slowly--yep, she is. SARAH: I'm nicer than she would've been. She would've dragged you by the ear into the shower and cranked on the cold water. A small smile flickers across John's face, not quite reaching his eyes. JOHN: Not quite. She would've just dumped ice water on me here in bed. Sarah offers him a sad smile in return. SARAH: Your wife was a feisty woman. JOHN: She was, wasn't she? Sarah tosses him a towel. SARAH: Mom's got breakfast started. You want your eggs scrambled? John glances from her to the bathroom door, slowly swings his legs out of bed. JOHN: Extra bacon? SARAH: I'm sure that can be arranged.

FEEDBACK 8 I like how you used Will's actions to underline Chloe's words--she's trying to have a serious conversation but he's too involved in his work to hear what she's saying. Your scene really illustrates the issues in their relationship and confirms Chloe's fears that things won't change. My only criticism would be to check for typos, since there were a few little ones, but overall I thought this scene was very well constructed. Nice job!

SCENE 8 Living room. An old married couple watches TV when a car pulls up in front of their house. The couple holds their breath for a moment. A man gets out of the car and runs to the door. He kicks the door open and barges into the living room. Man: where is she? Old man: leave. You're not welcome. Man: not without my wife. Where is she? Rachel! Don't play games with me and come down. I only want to talk to you. The man searches the house. Old woman: She doesn't want you. The man is annoyed and pushes the old woman away from him. She falls onto the ground. The old man looks hurts, helps his wife get up and leaves the house. Whilst, the man runs up the stairs where he searches in every room for Linda, carelessly pushing things away. The man is about to open up the bathroom door when the old man shows up behind him. Old man: hey! The man turns and sees that the old man cocks his gun and aims it at him. Old man: you need to leave. Don't let me repeat it. Leave now and don't you dare to come back.