Scene 2: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY MURPHY, in uniform, leans against the wall beside the door, bogarting a cigarette. SGT. FLYNN sits at the table, smoking and facing GINO SUSPECTINI, who is also smoking. Other smokers include LT. RYAN, standing behind Flynn, DET. ROURKE, beside Flynn, holding a folder, and COSIMO FANTUCCI, ESQ, Suspectini's mout'piece. The room gradually fills with smoke. FANTUCCI: Gentlemen, my client ain't-- FLYNN: Yeah, yeah. He ain't sayin' nothing, 'cause he ain't-- RYAN: 'Ain't sayin' nothin' is a double negative. You mean, he ain't sayin' any-- SUSPECTINI: What is this shit, donut breath? Are we here to talk grammar? You can't keep me-- ROURKE: Yes, we can. We can hold you for-- FANTUCCI: Twenty four hours, and not a minute-- FLYNN: Unless we charge him wit' a crime. Then we got him by the-- SUSPECTINI: Wait a minute, wait a minute. We're gettin' nowhere, here. What I wanna know is-- FANTUCCI: Don't say another word. They're trying to get you to incriminalate-- RYAN: Incriminate. But we ain't. This ain't a trial, this is just a invest-- MURPHY: Haven't any of you guys got a question to ask Mr. Suspectini? I don't know about you, but I'm-- ROURKE: (to Flynn) What were you going to--? FLYNN: Me? I thought Ryan brought the list of-- (turns to Ryan) RYAN: I ain't got no...I mean, I don't have the list. (to Rourke) Didn't you pick up the--? SUSPECTINI: What's in that folder you've got there...what did you say your name--? ROURKE: Rourke. (opens folder) Oh. Here they are! Okay, first thing we wanted-- FANTUCCI: My client isn't going to answer any questions unless you submit them to me ahead-- SUSPECTINI: (to Fantucci) Shut the fuck up! (to Rourke) Okay, ask me anything. I'm tired of this crapola. What do you wanna--? FLYNN: (snatches the folder from Rourke) I'll ask the questions, thank you very-- RYAN: (reaches over Flynn's shoulder and grabs the list) You asked last time. Here. (reads from list) Where were you on the night of December 24th--? SUSPECTINI: 2013? Same as 2012, and 2011, and-- MURPHY: They want to know if you shot Dominick Cas-- SUSPECTINI: Domenick Castelucci? AKA Maddog Dominick? AKA Castrating Castelooch? AKA-- RYAN: Yeah, that's right. Dom Demento, Nick the Slicer, the worst throat cutter and infinitive splitter that ever-- FANTUCCI: My client never heard of him. (to Suspectini) Right, Mr.--? SUSPECTINI: Never heard of him. (coughs, stubs out his cigarette) Geez, this smoke! Can't we open a-- RYAN: The windows are all nailed shut. To keep guys like you from-- FANTUCCI: To keep guys like my client from going about their lawful-- MURPHY: How about I turn on the air--? (reaches for thermostat) RYAN: This room has air conditioning? Shit, I never-- MURPHY: How 'bout I go get us all donuts and coffee? SUSPECTINI: (to Murphy) How 'bout you stay here, and these schmucks get the donuts while you ask me the friggin' questions?

I thought this was really well done. I especially like that you were able to show the conflict between the cops, not just between them and Suspectini and his "counsel." Some of the sentences were a little long for this type of quick back and forth interaction, but to remedy that you would have ended up with four or five pages with each line of dialogue just a couple of words long.

Scene 2. [Context – I’ve used the characters from my web series, Union (ystv.co.uk/union). All you need to know is that they’re the elected officers of a students’ union.] INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – NIGHT CHLOE, HANNAH, NEIL, MARK, and ED sit around the conference table. Late afternoon, the end-of-day team meeting. Ed’s mucking about on Tinder. CHLOE: Right. Last on the agenda, Hannah has suggested that we… ED: Fuck’s sake, weren’t we meant to finish twenty… CHLOE: Yes, but this last piece will be quick. Hannah has suggested that we… HANNAH: A new kettle! We’ve not been able to make good tea for… CHLOE: Yes, Hannah, if you’d let me finish, the office is desperately in need of… HANNAH: Without my regular Earl Grey, I really can’t… CHLOE: Get any work done, I’d noticed. Now, simple vote. Hands up, everyone who… MARK: Wait a second. Have you filled in the campus estates new electronic appliance request… CHLOE: No, we’ll do that later. Everyone who… MARK: I’m sorry, Chloe, but if you read section sixteen point one point delta on the campus estates new electronic appliance request form, you’d find that there’s… ED: Oh, for fuck’s sake, Nick Clegg, this is more boring than my grandmother’s funeral, let’s skip the bullshit and… MARK: You’ll find, Edward, that there’s very good reason for the paperwork that needs to be filled in before purchase of a… CHLOE: Mark, it’s a kettle, can’t we just go ahead and… MARK: Well, no, and I’ll tell you why… CHLOE: Never mind. No kettle. Sorry, Hannah, you’re just going to have to use the vending machine like the rest of… HANNAH: No way! The stuff from there tastes like… NEIL: Actually, the vending machine’s broken too, isn’t… CHLOE: Well, thanks for ruining that solution, dickhead. Who the fuck broke… ED: Funny story. Late night, I was bored, I had a beer open, a duck wandered by, I decided to… CHLOE: Don’t want to know. Has anyone got any bright… NEIL: I could fix the old kettle. I’m a dab hand with a… CHLOE: Neil, remember when you tried to fix the printer, and you… NEIL: Alright, alright, no need to remind me. I still have the scars on my… MARK: Now, I don’t think we can allow you to attempt repairs of kitchen equipment, Neil, until we get you put through the correct training for… HANNAH: Does anyone know if C-bar serves Earl… CHLOE: Oh, for… Right, everyone shut up! Alternative solution. How about we use the old water boiler we keep… MARK: What old boiler? CHLOE: You know, tall, rusty thing. Under the sink, next to the… MARK: Oh. I thought that was thrown away in 1998 after what they found living in… ED: How the fuck does he know this stuff? He’s an oracle of useless… MARK: I’m sorry, but if that boiler is still in the building, then it’s causing a severe hazard and we’ll have to… HANNAH: I always thought the sink smelled of… MARK: We’ll have to evacuate the offices with immediate… CHLOE: Again? Can’t we… MARK: I’ll fetch the forms. Ooh, I’ve never had the chance to fill in a… CHLOE: No one had anything to do tonight, did they?

[feedback 1] Very nice, great interaction between the cops, and some clever uses of humour, particularly the "my client never heard of him" line when he clearly has. Might have worked better simplified to three cops instead of four - I was having to read back up the page to remind myself who each one was. Though this might be less of a problem were the scene watched as a filmed production rather than read as a script.

SCENE 2 INT. FAMILY HOUSE - DAY The main room is filled with flowers, a few men and women in black suits and a small buffet of simple amuse bouche. GLORIA (Early 50s), wild blond hair and a glass of white wine in her hand, sits on the couch across NANCY (late 20s), shiny dark hair and also carrying an almost empty glass of wine. The two women's emotional state is in great contrast. Gloria looks deeply sad while Nancy seems nonchalant. GLORIA: He would've have hated this. NANCY: Sure, this being his funeral and all. GLORIA: Oh come on, you know what I mean, just his way to... Gloria sobs while Nancy rolls her eyes. NANCY: You don't need to feel guilty you know, it was just an-- GLORIA: How can I not? He was everything to-- NANCY: Yes, I know that, he was everything to you while the rest of us-- GLORIA: Don't go there again. Not today. Today is about-- NED (O.S): Gloria! Gloria turns around to discover uncle NED (mid 50s), bald on top and a giant smile on his face. His long legs carry him from the door step to the couch in just a few laps. He hugs Gloria and winks to Nancy. NED: Sorry I'm late. I was at the... well truthfully I didn't really plan to... He looks at Gloria who gives him the angry eye then turns to Nancy. NED: You know. Nancy emphasises a desperate understanding nod. GLORIA: I know you don't care. To you he was just-- NED: What do you mean I don't care? I do but yes I also happen to think that he was just-- Gloria extends a 'shut up' hand. GLORIA: Don't say it! Uncle Ned sighs as he looks around the room. NED: Who are all these people? NANCY: Opportunists, here for the foo-- GLORIA: Friends, they are friends who understand this tragedy, the loss of someone-- NANCY: Something-- GLORIA: Someone who is gone is the most atrocious way. NED: Bla bla, so it caught on fire, just make another one. GLORIA: Make another one? NED: Yea, wood, stitches, fabric-- NANCY: I would avoid wood and fabric this time. Uncle Ned and Nancy share a giggle. GLORIA: You people are monsters. Nancy, exasperated, stands up, picks up her now empty glass and as she walks away: NANCY: You know mum, you're not even a good ventriloquist. Just let it go, please.

Scene A brother and sister are at a mediator. Sister: I don't care Brother: I do. I ---- Mediator: Ssstt, let's calm down and listen to each other Sister: You only care about MONEY, MONEY-- Brother: STOP IT. I'm sick of you. If you don't do what I say-- Sister: What! Are you going to kill me? Brother: Bitch. If you cross me, I'll-- Mediator: Sit down!! Both of you. Sister: don't tell me--- Brother: listen for once. Sister: Okay. I listen. I won't sell my share. Not now, not--- Brother: You don't know anything about business-- Sister: A lot. I know a lot. Mediator: an investor offered very good money. You might one to look at it before you decide-- Sister: he can fuck himself--- Broter: You will sell. Even if I have to get a court --- Sister; go to hell Brother: after you Sister leaves and slams the door. Mediator: well that went, ahum, not so bad for a first meeting. Brother looks angry and slams door shut.

Thanks, Kieron.

Feedback 2 Okay, this is fun, and has a nice twist at the end. I can see the characters. Hard to improve on this, as is. Only thing I can see is maybe clarify a few of the lines a bit. Nice job.

Scene 1 INT. ROOM - DAY ARTHUR is hugging BILLIE JEAN when his wife CATHY bursts in. CATHY: What are you doing, with your arms around that-- ARTHUR: It's not what you think. I-- CATHY: I'm not thinking, I'm seeing, with my own-- BILLIE JEAN: Don't blame him, he's-- CATHY: I'll blame you too, you-- BILLIE JEAN: He was just comforting me, he was-- CATHY: I know very well what he was doing, I have-- ARTHUR: She's not my lover, she's just a girl who-- The sound of a BABY crying. Cathy recoils in horror. CATHY: I hear a baby. A baby! Don't tell me you-- ARTHUR: The kid is not my son! He's-- CATHY: YOU-- BILLIE JEAN: He's not his son, he's Michael's son, he-- CATHY: Michael's? How can that-- ARTHUR: It is true. But Michael won't-- BILLIE JEAN: He just knocked me up and took off, like-- CATHY: Oh, my God. Is it-- ARTHUR: It's the truth. He went-- CATHY: That would be just like him, the-- ARTHUR: That's all there is to it. I'm just trying to set things right. That's-- CATHY: That's what you always do for him, the-- BABY: Waah!

Feedback 1 Very amusing; funny lines: "infinitive splitter" - oh, the horror. Very entertaining showdown: Irish vs Italian. But even between the teams: everybody in conflict with everybody. Well done. You could tighten the dialogue a bit and I agree that 3 cops would be enough.

Feedback 1 Very amusing; funny lines: “infinitive splitter” – oh, the horror. Very entertaining showdown: Irish vs Italian. But even between the teams: everybody in conflict with everybody. Well done. You could tighten the dialogue a bit and I agree that 3 cops would be enough.

M: She has the right to choose her - - W1: Choose? From this motley- - W3: Be careful who you're insulting. And who else is she going to chose from? There is no-one else. Tell me that... M: When the time comes she... W3: The time has come... M: No, no it – W3: She's not a child any - - M: She's too... She's too... W1: Too much for you too handle. Is that what you were going to say? M: Partly yes, but no, she's still too young. It shouldn't even be being considered yet. Tradition says - - W3: Tradition! What's trad - - M: When I'm ready to give up my position as matriarch. When she is ready to take my place. That's when she will choose her mate and not - - W3: You? Give up your position? And when is that going to to happen? W4: Well - - W3: Don't interrupt me. W4: I - - W3: I said, don't interrupt me. Why are you here anyway? You won't even be in the running - - W1: You need to control your tongue. W3: I need a mate... and I'm strong enough to be alpha - - W2: You alpha (laughs) W5: I think - - W3: (Shouts)Silence. You have no place even opening your mouth here. W1: Control yourself. W2: He thinks he's going to be the next alpha (laughs)... W3: You are going to regret - - W1: Enough... W3: What? He's too low ranking to even be giving his opin-- W1: I said enough. M: Gentlemen, this argument is going nowhere. We need to stand together as a pack, not stand here mewling like a bunch of tom cats on heat. W2: Yeah, that's exactly what he - - W3: Now you really have gone - - M: That's it. The meeting is over. She will decide when she is ready. And I'm telling you, it's not yet. So keep away. Are you listening? All of you? Keep away, no sniffing around or you'll answer to me and that, I can guarantee, is something you won't wish to do. And gentleman, when the time does come, be prepared to show her your worth or she may well decide to bring in an outsider.

Feedback 2 This was great until Chloe lost her voice and became someone else in the line which started – well thanks for ruining etc. Before that their voices were all really well defined and very distinctive. To be honest she sounded like she had a momentary dose of PMT or did a gender flip and became Ed. On a whole it worked really well and I could well imagine the scene playing out in a film.

This was a good portrayal of a typical family feud and how money can can cause serious problems between relatives. Loved the bit where the sister sang Money, Money... did she sing or was that just my imagination? If they were supposedly paying the mediator, whether or not he could have gone ssst at them and remained alive is debatable. He needed a stronger, much more authoritative voice to make him realistic.

Scene 2 TUCKER, JEN and BRAD are in a tight circle in a dimly-lit room, low ceiling, probably a basement. They're all in their late twenties, middle class, seem well put together. Intelligent, but with an edge, like the kids in college who thought themselves too smart to graduate. We're CLOSE on their faces as they speak. TUCKER: Fuck! We are so fucked. We're so fucking fucked. I can't fucking believe how fucked- JEN: Enough already. What's done is done. There's no point in freaking out. This is just a problem. Every problem has a solution. What we need to do is focus and come up with a- BRAD: I don't know why we're even discussing this- RILEY (O.S.): Can I say something? BRAD: There's only one option. It's certainly unpleasant, and I admit I have my ethical qualms as much as anybody else, but we all know what has to be- TUCKER: Jesus fucking christ! I can't believe we're actually talking about- JEN: Calm down. We haven't decided anything yet- RILEY (O.S.): Please, I just want to- JEN: Brad has made his position clear, I'm just saying it might not be the only option. We need time to- BRAD: We don't have any fucking time! We need to act now, before- RILEY (O.S.): Fucking listen to me! Brad, Jen and Tucker are startled at the outburst, they turn to RILEY. She's the same age, dressed similarly, likely middle class like the others. She fits right in with the group except she's the only one tied to a rickety chair with her arms behind her back. Bloodshot eyes and dried mascara streaking down her cheeks, she's feeling a little distressed. RILEY: Look, I'm sorry, I- JEN: We know you are, hon, but we- RILEY: I didn't mean to do it, I just wanted to scare him. He was screaming so loud and he wouldn't shut up. It was an accident. The gun just went off. I don't know- BRAD: Of course the gun went off! That's what guns do. It's their raison d'etre, their sole fucking purpose in the universe is to shoot fucking bullets. Her sole purpose was to look after the kid and not blow a hole through the head of our fucking payday. But that stupid bitch, she- Riley bursts into tears, new lines of mascara bleeding down her face. JEN: Enough! She knows she fucked up. We're wasting our time berating her, we need to- TUCKER: Riley has a point. We shouldn't have left her alone. We said from the beginning we- BRAD: Don't take the blame off her. There were unforeseen circumstances. We had to adjust. She had one fucking job and she screwed us all. I for one am not going to jail because she couldn't- TUCKER: Jail? Oh fuck, I can't go to jail. I wouldn't last a minute. Look at me, they'd eat me for- JEN: Ok, let's take a breath. I agree Riley's primarily to blame. She lost her shit and needs to take the brunt of- BRAD: That's what I've been saying. She needs to pay the price. The only thing we have to decide is how we're going to- RILEY: I'll turn myself in. I'll say I acted alone. No one has to know about- BRAD: No way. As soon as they get her in a room, the cops will break her to pieces. She's gotta take the fall, but we're going to have to- RILEY: No! Please, I swear I won't- BRAD: You know my vote. If we're going to do this, we all have to agree. We all have to take responsibility for the actions we're about to- TUCKER: I'm in. Jen, it's the only way. You know- JEN: I know. Riley, I'm sorry, but- RILEY: Jen, please! We're friends. We're best friends. Remember when we- JEN: No. Stop. I'm in. Riley drops her head and sobs softly as her friends look at each other, knowing what they have to do.

Feedback 2 Interesting dynamic. I was definitely invested in the conflict going on here, but I was a little confused just jumping into it without any setup. I know this is a dialogue challenge, but it might help giving a few lines of description and names to help us get some context. I was left wondering, is this an actual wolf pack personified or people living in some sort of a wolf-like cult. Either way I like where this is going, there's a transition ahead and the males are vying for power. You can do a lot with that premise.

Scene 4 INT. LAW FIRM CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY - Five people are gathered around a large and elegant wooden table, Mr. Clark (45), the family lawyer, James "Junior" Monroe (31) with his wife Amanda (30), and Martin Monroe (29) with his wife Jessica (22). Mr. Clark: So, now that we are all here we will proceed with the reading of the last will and testament of Mr. James Monroe Senior. To my loving family, long have the hours of time struck- - Martin: Oh, get on with it. Just tell us, what did the old coot left- - Amanda: Martin, please show some respect for- - Junior: Dear, it's OK, let him be. You know how he gets when he is- - Martin: When I am what Junior? Tell me, when I am- - Mr. Clark: Please, gentlemen. May I conti- - Amanda: Drunk. There it is, I said it. I can smell the booze up to- - Martin: Control your wife Junior or I will not- - Junior: Hey! Don't you dare raise your voice towards- - Jessica: Leave Poochie alone you big bully! He is not- - Amanda: Poochie? What are you, seven? You silly- - Mr. Clark: Ladies, please. Control yourselves. This is not- - Martin: You want you know why I drink? From the embarrassment of being- - Junior: Here we go again! You are going to bring that old- - Martin: It may be old to you but it still bears heavily in my heart that dad- - Jessica: What do you mean silly? How dare you call me- - Amanda: Really? I said that like over a minute ago and you are just- - Martin: Honeybun, don't waste your breath on these- - Mr. Clark: Gentlemen, ladies. If you would allow me to continue- - Junior: You left us, Martin. That was your choice. And dad- - Martin: Dad always preferred you. And you have been kissing his- - Jessica: I'm not a bimbo, you know. I also have- - Amanda: Oh shut up you money grabbing- - Martin: Don't you dare- - Junior: No, don't YOU dare- - Jessica: Can't you just tell us what the old bastard- - Mr. Clark: (screaming in a high pitched voice) NOTHING! HE LEFT ALL OF YOU ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! You stupid impolite ingrates! - The silence in the room is palpable. Jessica: Well, that's a bummer!

Feedback 1 I have to say I was very impressed with your scene. The imagery is excellent and you can cut the tension with a knife. You really want to know how they got to that point and what will happen after.

ND, thank you for the positive comments. I'm very pleased you got into the story line without my explaining it. Will be taking this one on as it is going to constitute part of something I'm working on... just didn't know that when writing it as hadn't got that far ahead in the story. Thanks again. liz

Scene 2 Set Up: A family: Dad, Mum, Daughter Sally (15), Son Sam (13), Babs (3) at an airport check in Check in Lady: Your bags are 20Kgs over weight. Passports and … Mum: (shrieks) Passports. Where did you … Dad: Before anyone accuses me of … Sally: Giving them to Sam. I knew this was how the dream holiday would be … Babs: Tyrano so so soo… Sam: Don’t think I’m taking the … Dad: Saying. I’m always saying that … Sally: Sam is irresponsible. Well then why didn’t you … Sam: Wait. I’m not taking the blame for … Mum: (closing her eyes, visualising) Leaving them on the kitchen table just before … Babs: (closing his eyes, playing along with Mum) rus rus rusks like breakfast. I like … Mum: (shrieks) Car. seeing them in … Dad: a long walk back to long term parking so before we get … Sam: Back to … Sally: Long term … Mum: (eyes shut, concentrating harder) Planning, so I … Dad: Check that… Sally: We’re … Dad: In … Sam: My … Babs: Handbag

FEEDBACK 2: Your scene was tense and effective. At first I was wondering if it was going to be a slasher movie scene, but it revealed itself as a kidnapping gone horribly wrong. Either way, it’s an intriguing situation. Here are some questions to ponder (or not): What if the tension was amped up even more? Right now, Brad, Jen, and Tucker, are pretty much on the same page throughout the scene. It’s three against one – Riley. What if, initially, their panic manifests as a blame game against each other before they focus on the little problem called Riley? What if she’s Tucker’s girlfriend or Jen pressured Riley to join up? And now Jen may or may not be experiencing underlying guilt. At the end, what if the scene continues for another beat or two? Example: Jen is interrupted by police sirens. Riley who thinks she’s a goner lifts her head up at the sound of sirens. Riley: Oh, thank g--. A gunshot goes off.

Thank you for your feedback.

My one criticism is that there is a lack of a distinct mid point to the scene. Hard, I know, when you don't have full control of the dialogue. But if you're feeling game to rewrite it, try and identify what the midpoint is. Feedback 1

SCENE 3 Int. Temple of Delphi - Greece - Day (ACHILLES(30's) stomps into the temple in full armor. The ORACLE awaits with statues of the gods all around her) (ZEUS(sky), ATHENA(wisdom), APOLLO(arts), APHRODITE(love), HADES(underworld), PERSEPHONE(underworld), and ARES stand around the oracle in a form only the gods can see and hear) ACHILLES: Tell me what is foretold of the Persian armies coming from the-- ORACLE: I cannot talk about that which the Gods do not wish to-- (Achilles draws his sword and dashes toward the Oracle) APHRODITE: (seductively) Mmm, check out his-- ATHENA: (dismissive) Skull devoid of a-- APHRODITE: Wisdom means nothing when the strength of love, the influence of art, and the power of war-- (Achilles holds the oracle up from the ground and slits his neck. Storm clouds form as Zeus begins pacing) ARES: (smiling) He respects war and seeks the advantage of information that we alone can give if we just-- ZEUS: The fate of Marathon was agreed on and will not be altered for any reason, let alone for saving one man whom-- HADES: Is not deserving of the death that you singlehandedly decided without-- (Achilles destroys the statue of Hades. Persephone noticeably marvels at his strength, Hades notices her interest) PERSEPHONE: (to husband Hades) Perhaps he does deserve to be killed considering he just-- HADES: You don't care about his worthiness of entering the underworld, you just want him to die so you can-- (Achilles destroys all the statues. A WOMAN(20's) seductively walks into the temple toward Achilles) APOLLO: A man that doesn't respect the beauty of art is a man that-- APHRODITE: (approvingly) Prefers the beauty of a woman that he can touch and-- (Still angry at the gods, Achilles shoves the woman away in rage. Persephone beams at Achilles and smiles) ZEUS: How can anyone defend a man blinded by war, who pushes away love, defaces art, insults wisdom, and-- HADES: BEING EATEN ALIVE IS NOT A WORTHY DEATH OF A MAN THAT-- (Thunder and lightning strike bringing everyone to silence. Achilles and the woman stand in awe. With all attention on Zeus, Persephone walks to the woman and whispers in her ear) ZEUS: HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR ANYONE AND DESERVES TO... (The woman stands up and walks toward Achilles again. The gods now notice Persephone walking away in the distance. The woman's toga falls off as she goes to whisper into Achilles' ear. The dagger like pin holding her toga finds his neck) HADES: (disbelief) What Persephone wants, she finds a way to- ZEUS: GET OUT BEFORE I... (The yelling of the gods fades into the sounds of a severe thunderstorm over the Temple of Delphi)

Writing Challenge SCENE 2 INT. – BEDROOM – NIGHT A couple are having an argument. KENDRA (32) wants them to both go to dinner with her best friend from college but BILL (34) wants to go to his weekly poker game. Kendra: You are being such a-- Bill: Baby, I barely even-- Kendra: How well you know her is not-- Bill: The point is… Bill shakes his head and stares at the floor. Kendra: It wouldn’t kill you to miss playing-- Bill: Poker is one night a-- Kendra: That’s exactly what I’m— Bill: I should sacrifice my fun for-- Kendra: Oh no, that would be-- Bill: It’s totally unreasonable to ask me to-- Kendra: To give up one night of-- Bill: Possibly enough money to go to… Bill picks up a pamphlet for an island getaway. Kendra: You really think you could beat-- Bill: I’m feeling really— Kendra: Lucky for you I’m-- Bill: The best wife in the whole-- Kendra: You just better win enough to take me to-- Bill: You can start packing your— Kendra: If you lose I’m gonna kick your skinny-- Bill gives her a kiss then grabs his keys from the dresser. Bill: Give Morgan my-- Kendra: Don’t even--

FEEDBACK 5 Hey Roy, I enjoyed your scene, it took me a couple of times to really understand what was going on though...although I have a sneaking suspicion that is the case for all the scenes for this prompt. So, is Michael related to Billie Jean? I wasn’t quite following the connection, but when Cathy said “That’s what you always do for him,” I thought perhaps Michael was his brother? The only other thing I would say is that at the end: ARTHUR: It’s the truth. He went– CATHY: That would be just like him, the– ARTHUR: That’s all there is to it. I’m just trying to set things right. That’s– CATHY: That’s what you always do for him, the– I had a sense of resolution in the scene already, so it was harder to visualize people fighting and interrupting each other at this point. I think what throws me off is the, “That would be just like him,” line. If Cathy said, “Why that stupid…” I still get the sense that everyone is still interrupting each other. I don’t know if that is a fair assessment, but that is how I read the scene at least. That being said, you did a great job of creating tension in the scene and you built up the expectation of some sort of twist at the end, which was delivered nicely!

Feedback 7 A real scene that more than met the prompt requirements. Like it. Only problem is that the characters sound almost alike. Tucker's first line is fucking great for differentiating his character. Then Brad starts dropping f-bombs, too. Then Jen does the same. Now the three of them sound similar. Still, a nice, solid dramatic piece.

Michael I had to google what you meant by midpoint (I lack the screenwriting jargon) but I see your point. Thank you for you feedback.

FEEDBACK 4 Excellent pacing. The story unfolds without a hitch.Perfect.Wouldn't change a word.

I think this was excellent. Interpersonal likes and dislikes strongly brought out.The interruptions seem natural as well.

SCENE 2: INT. SAVE-RITE PHARMACY – NIGHT NED and JIMMY, ski masks covering their faces, dressed in black, point GUNS at a frightened PHARMACIST and ASSISTANT. NED (to Assistant): Dump all the cash right in… The Pharmacist stealthily reaches under the counter and presses a button. NED (to Jimmy): Hey! Have Mr. Druggist show you where all the – JIMMY: Good shit is. I know. This ain’t my first rodeo, Ne– NED: Shut it, boy! Remember, I’m “Mr. Miyagi” and you’re… JIMMY: “Ralph Macchio”… When do I get to be Mr. Miya– PHARMACIST: Take it all and go. We don’t want – NED: Trouble? A little too late for wishful think— A NOISE from Aisle 3 interrupts Ned who goes off to investigate. MOMENTS LATER Ned escorts elderly MRS. CARLSON at gun point to the pharmacy counter. PHARMACIST: Please, let Mrs. Carlson go. Her health isn’t – JIMMY (to Ned): Stop playing. We got what we came here for. Let’s get the fuc– NED: Hold on. Let’s see what Mrs. Carlson’s got in her… Ned YANKS Mrs. Carlson’s PURSE from her strong grip. JIMMY: Jesus, man. Leave her alon— She falls backwards. Hits her head on the counter. She’s out. A pool of BLOOD forms by her head. NED: Oh – JIMMY/PHARMACIST/ASSISTANT: Shit... NED: Let’s go, go, g— The SHRILL of Police sirens cut Ned off. Police lights FLICKER outside Save-Rite’s windows.

Dialogue Challenge Day 2 Group of people arguing. No one gets the finish a sentence Int. Conference Room Several people are seated at a large conference table. They all sit silently, starring at each other. EMILY STANTON power walks in and tosses a red file folder on the table EMILY: Anyone want to explain how we lost our top client? Silence..... She looks around the room, waiting. EMILY: Stan?. STAN: Well, Jim was in charge of fulfillment. I suspect that's where the breakdown... JIM: That's a load of crap and you know it. If the order was right... RENEE: The order was right. I took it myself. I did my part.... (she points around the table) Its was up to all of you to.... JIM: I have the written order right here and it says… RENEE: No one cares if.... EMILY: (loudly) I care. Everyone stops. EMILY: I care. This is my company and the people in this room.... I hold each and every one of you responsible for this fuck up. So you have the rest of the day to figure out how to fix it or you all will be looking for jobs tomorrow. JIM: Well, Stan doesn't have to worry. He's got a trust fund.... STAN:(explodes) What the hell is that supposed to mean? I work just as hard as... JIM: Bullshit...you mean you work Renee hard. RENEE: How dare you! You are completely out of line. JIM: Maybe while you two were fulfilling your own deliveries, you could have checked to make sure this delivery came first…(smiles at his pun) STAN: So unprofessional…. RENEE: You son of a….. Emily has heard enough. She walks to the door as the room disintegrates into personal attacks. EMILY: (yelling over the din) End of the day people! With that she slams the door behind her.

Feedback #4 Roy, Loved the take on the Michael Jackson song. Turning it into an argument was brilliant. Nice work! Well, I have to Beat It. I know, that was Bad.

SCENE 4 INT. NIGHT. Meeting Room. A motely gathering. Noisy. Children running around. Women gossiping. Tinny film song interrupted by mike testing, screechy and loud, hullo hullo hullo one two three... A podium to one side. Several men seated at a head table. Banner on the wall reads: Vishal Building Redevelopment Committee MAN 1 (at the head table): Order, order! (Audience settles in, MAN 2 in the last row nudges his neighbor) MAN ! : All of us know why we’re here this important, lovely evening-- MAN 2 (audience): As if we don’t know! MAN 1: Yes, yes, I know all of you know, but certain form must be adhered to in such matters…All of us.. MAN 3 (audience); FORM? Who are you to teach us about form? Did you respect any form or precedent when you took over as Secretary of the-- MAN 1: Dear sir, pray allow me to continue.. All of us .. this important evening.. er know why we are here— MAN 4 (audience): KICKED OUT--You kicked out that old man, that dedicated secretary after TWENTY— MAN 1 (thumps table): Order order… Please let me cont--- MAN 3 (audience): Just because you have political clout don’t think you— MAN 2 (audience): He’s the BOSS… ha ha ha… He’s the BIG MAN— MAN 1: DID I? Did I say I was the boss? FRIENDS WE ARE ALL HERE THIS EVENIN--- (mike screeches, harsh…) MAN 4 (audience): RULING PARTY! Just because you are close to that POLITICIAN rascal— MAN 5 (on the podium): Order, order! Today all of us have gathered for a good cause. Chopra Builders— MAN 3 (audience): CHOPRA CHOR HAI*… CHOPRA – MAN 1: THIS IS THE BEST REVELOPMENT DEAL— MAN 4: NONSENSE. You want to GIFT AWAY the building our FATHERS AND FOREFATHERS built PAISA BY PAISE… MAN 6: NO! CHOPRA CHOR HAI*… Audience CHORUSES :CHOPRA CHOR HAI* Plastic chairs are thrown at the head table. People grumble and walk out. (*Chopra is a thief)

FEEDBACK 12 Hey Michael, ...I’ve read your scene 4 times now, and I’m still having a hard time following the dialogue. I don’t think the story is bad, I just need a little more help with what is going on in the scene. For example, on the 4th line Sally says “Giving them to Sam. I knew this was how the dream…” Giving them to Sam sounds more like a parenthetical direction than something that she would say, which makes reading the previous line confusing. I’m sorry if that comes off mean, I’m probably being dense, but it just isn’t reading well for me. Another example is, Sam says: “Don’t think I’m taking the…” Dad: Saying. I’m always saying that…” Perhaps Sam says: “Are you blaming me for--” Dad says: “No, I’m not blaming you, I’m just saying--” What I particularly liked was the baby whom I thought was a nice touch to the scene that brought in some humor.

INT. EDINBURGH CAPITALS DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT The ice hockey team: THE EDINBURGH CAPITALS slope into the dressing room after the first period. COACH Lads, that was fucking abhorrent. I've seen better-- The captain: LUNDMEYER rubs his shoulder. LUNDMEYER Boss, it wasn't my fault. I hurt my-- COACH I don't want any excuses! I want you to get out there and-- The goalie: HADOLSKY pipes up. HADOLSKY If we didn't have so many injured players, maybe we could-- COACH Could what? Could-- HADOLSKY Could have more of a-- COACH Would you stop fucking interr-- The gigantic American: FOLEY steps up to Coach, their faces almost touching. FOLEY You need to get a hold of yourself, we can't play like this. Your tactics are off, and then you come in here and-- COACH This is my fucking team! I am trying to turn us into-- FOLEY Losers? Because that's-- LUNDMEYER It's like this. I've heard rumblings from the board that if you don't turn this around, then-- COACH I'm-- LUNDMEYER That's right. No one can ignore eleven losses in a row, this has been a dismal-- The Scottish defenseman: MACGREGOR barges in. MACGREGOR Look, I don't give a fuck if you were in the NHL 20 years ago. This is a different league, and it you think you're too good for us, then-- COACH You boys don't know what you're-- The break is over and the team head back out. COACH Fuck this. The Coach leaves by a separate door.

SCENE 3 NANCY: Stay back! INT.BASEMENT.NIGHT she has a gun held by his neck, as he struggles to escape, KIDNAPPER: hey let me g..mmmm mmm she holds his mouth shut HUSBAND: alright...alright...calm down, you'll be alri-- KIDNAPPER: mmm...calm down! calm down!! how the hell am i supposed to calm mmm! NANCY : I don't think he is gonna be "alright" until-- HUSBAND: Nancy!! darling!! just let the guy go, he hasn't done any-- NANCY : Oh! What do you mean he hasn't done anything, he bloody kidnapped-- KIDNAPPER: Sorry! Mmmm... NANCY : why don't you just straight away give me the money and sweetie i promise will hand him over to-- HUSBAND: okay! hang on! i am not giving you anything, i am just asking you to not harm a person's-- NANCY: Oh come on! This person is more than a person for you! you want him to-- HUSBAND: Keep your bloody mouth-- KIDNAPPER: What do ya- mmmmm The KIDNAPPER seems more panicked now NANCY : Look...honey, you want something? you gotta give me the damn-- KIDNAPPER : Lemme go you-- NANCY(fierce) : would you for once stop interrupting while I'm saying something you ass-- he struggles to slip away from her hold when, BANG!! and he falls over the ground, HUSBAND:W-what did you-- the gun falls down from her hand NANCY :shit shit--oh my god---what do i do! honey honey help m-- She finds the HUSBAND sprinting away with the bag, she looks at him in disbelief, picks up the gun and points BLACK ----------------------------------- Thank you for reading:)

INT. WOBBLY FEET DAYCARE, TITA’S HOUSE - DAY TITA, 54, a withered, plum-like looking woman, eyeballs three kids, ages 2-5, hands at her flanks. TITA: Who did it? Lana, did you - LANA,(2): Mommy! I want my - ANGEL,(4): I didn’t do it, but I saw it. She jumped and then - MIKEY,(5): No you didn’t. I saw it first. You didn’t even - LANA: Mommy! I want my - ANGEL: Liar! And you stop wining like a - TITA: Enough of this! If you won’t tell me whose poop is on the carpet... Mikey, right now! Did you - MIKEY: No! But I saw how Angel - ANGEL: No, Tita, Tita, he is lying! I wasn’t even in the - MIKEY: Yeah. Then you came back and tell her what did you - ANGEL: She did it herself, I didn’t even touched - MIKEY: Yeah, you did! You even pulled her diaper and then you - LANA: Mommy! Kitty! I want my - MIKEY: See? She even shee-shee on a - TITA: Wait! Angel? You put a diaper on a poor - ANGEL: Uh-huh. But she scratched my hand and - TITA: And then you... what? You pulled her by her - ANGEL: Uh-huh. I didn’t mean to. It’s Lana’s fault, she pushed - TITA: That’s it! Every single one of you! March to the bathroom and wash your hands! With soap! Kss-kss. Here poor little kitten. Kss-kss-kss.

Hi Brian, nice scene. It sounds really funny if you read it outloud. My suggestion is, if I may, to combine few sentences to a point of the next "move", where it could be naturally interrupted and still make sense. Right now it sounds a little bit chopped. Otherwise, great scene, nice intensity. Natalie

Scene #1 INT. WILL’S OFFICE – DUSK WILL faces the window, lost in thought and deceptively calm. CHLOE and her client, CHRISTIAN, are both leaning against the office table, waiting for Will to say something. CHLOE: So what did you want to talk to us about that was so -- WILL: Were you planning on telling me -- CHLOE: What? Is this about Lionsgate’s offer? I know the cash / stock mix was un-ideal, but -- WILL: I don’t give a shit about that offer. I’m talking about that flight – CHLOE: Will, this is really not the right time to -- WILL: Don’t tell me what to do (turning to face Christian) Are you familiar with her disappearing act? No? Maybe I should -- CHLOE: This is unprofessional; stop -- WILL: And you’re always the consummate professional, Chlo -- CHRISTIAN: You know, maybe I should just wait – WILL: -- If memory serves me, I remember once or twice where we were analysts – CHLOE: Will! I know you’re upset – WILL: -- we were in that spare conference room – CHRISTIAN: Chloe, I’m just going to wait – WILL: -- you were on your knees -- Christian steps out of the Will’s office and shutting the door behind him. WILL: Why’d he leave, I was just getting to the best part – Chloe stares balefully at him. Tears have begun to collect in her eyes. She walks out and closes the door behind her.

FEEDBACK 2 I'd never have thought of doing this particular prompt like this, but I think it works really well. Not sure if you're from the UK (I'm Scottish) but you write English sounding dialogue really convincingly, so either way that's a good thing.

This is a unique situation you've come up with. I love the ending. I notice that the cadence of dialogue suggests that you are not American (which is cool). This makes the vocabulary usage a bit odd, but once I read it a few times, I understand how you used certain words. Still a good job, love the scene.

SCENE ? -- This may be an extra one, because I've lost count! Three guys-- Ron, Tom and Nick -- stand over a rolled up rug with something lumpy in it... RON: I'm calling the cops if-- TOM: Nobody's calling the-- NICK: Just shut up both of you, I'm trying to-- TOM: This was your fault so don't tell us to-- RON: I wasn't even here when-- NICK: But it was your idea for us to-- RON: No, I just said-- TOM: All the matters now is that we get rid of the-- RON: I'm not touching a dead-- NICK: Will you quit saying shit out loud in case someone's listeni-- Cops burst in the door and the three guys look up. COPS: Freeze!