SCENE 1 (Paul pulls up to the window. He's surprised to see Kate, standing in the window.) KATE: That'll be 4.35 PAUL: Hey, it's you. KATE: It's me. PAUL: From the party. The musician. KATE: That'll be 4.35. PAUL: Right (hands her the money). You never answered me. (off her look) About a date? KATE: I'm a little busy. (The MANAGER walks up.) MANAGER: Finish up and take lunch. (The Manager holds up his hand for a high five. She does not oblige.) MANAGER: Doing great. (He walks off.) PAUL: How about now? I'll come in and buy you lunch. KATE: You want to take me on a date to the place I work? PAUL: There's an Applebee's across the street? KATE: No offense but you're not really my type. PAUL: And what type is that? KATE: The type that doesn't try so hard. (She hands him his food.) KATE: Sir, you're holding up the line. PAUL: So let me take you out. You can play me some of your music. KATE: You can always buy a CD from my website. PAUL: I did. I bought a bunch actually. Twenty to be exact. KATE: That was you? PAUL: It's Christmas and I like to get everyone the same thing so they don't think I'm picking favorites. KATE: The fact that it was just you buying all of those is kind of depressing. PAUL: Yeah well, you wouldn't give me your phone number at the party and I didn't know how else to get your attention. KATE: And how'd that work out for you? PAUL: Not as well as I'd hoped. KATE: Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression at the party. You can return the CDs and I'll give you your money back. PAUL: You can pick them up Friday night around 9 if you want. I'm going to The Cradle for a show. If you don't show up then I don't have to worry about doing any more Christmas shopping. And if you do show up, well, I've got to be honest, I'll probably still keep them because your music's really good and I think it might be the first time people like my gifts. (She watches him drive off. And she smiles, ever so slightly.)

Feedback one. I feel that the last words of Kate stop the flow and could be left out. Her meaning could be depicted through body language. What if you put there a pause before Paul tries for the last time to persuade her (cars behind him honking), much to her annoyance or as you wrote, ever so slightly smiling.

I like that. I thought about adding in the honking as an aggravator, but ultimately decided to focus on the dialogue aspect of the scene since that's what we're mostly working on. It's definitely a good note and what I will take away from the exercise since this isn't a scene I'll be using in any of my scripts -- find lines that are unnecessary and come up with ways to depict them without words -- e.g. the honking. Thanks for the feedback!

SCENE 1 EXT. DRIVE-THRU - DAY A 1968 red sedan settles by the drive-thru window. A squeaky sound resonates as MR ROGERS (mid 40s), thick mustache and chewing gum, rolls the window down. MAGGY (early 40s), short blond hair and tiny freckles on her cheeks, winces ever so slightly at the sound but keeps her smile on. MAGGY: Hello Mister Rogers, how are you today? MR ROGERS: Fine. MAGGY: What would you like? MR ROGERS: Same as usual. MAGGY: Cheeseburger menu. Which drink would you like? MR ROGERS: Same as usual. MAGGY: Lemonade. Extra ketchup? MR ROGERS: (Anger rising) Same as... Why do you ask? I come here every Wednesday and get the same thing every time. MAGGY: And I take the drive-thru shift every Wednesday. My favourite day of the week. She looks at him with sparkles in her eyes while he finally catches up, his face blank in surprise. He looks back, suddenly frantic, shifts into reverse and backs away from the booth. He STOPS, tires SCREECH. He then shifts back into first and moves back up to the booth and STOPS. SCREECH. He squints, staring at Maggy's name tag for a few seconds while she looks back and forth between him and the target of his stare. He looks back again, shifts into reverse, backs away and STOP. SCREECH. HONK. A car is moving in behind. He makes sure that his window is fully down, spits his gum into a tissue and moves forward again but this time, slow and easy. He settles in front of the booth with a smile. MR ROGERS: Hello Maggy, how are you today? MAGGY: (Unsure) Fine? MR ROGERS: May I have a cheeseburger menu please? MAGGY: (Catching up) Same as usual? MR ROGERS: Indeed. Lemonade for drink and extra ketchup. She smiles. MAGGY: Same as usual. She hands him the bag which was sitting there for several minutes now. He hands her cash. MAGGY: Exact count. Thank you Mister Rogers. Please come again. MR ROGERS: James. And I will. He drives off.

EXT. FAST FOOD DRIVE-THRU WINDOW - DAY GLORIA (19, tube top, big hair) pulls up, her convertible top down. CARLOS (19) leans out the drive-thru window. CARLOS: Welcome to Mexifresh. Can I take your order? GLORIAL Carlos! I didn't know you worked here. Carlos shushes her and points to his microphone headset. Gloria nods in understanding. CARLOS: What can I get you today? GLORIA: I don't know. I heard great things about your Mexican sausage. CARLOS: (gulps) Really? GLORIA: Why? What do you like? CARLOS: Me? I'd love to get my mouth right up into a fish taco. GLORIA: Maybe for dinner, chachi. CARLOS: So, the sausage then? GLORIA: Maybe. Do you have a large? CARLOS: Jumbo. GLORIA: Oh, I don't know if my mouth could handle a jumbo. CARLOS: Oh. GLORIA: For lunch, that is. Sounds nice for dinner, though. CARLOS: Not the fish taco? GLORIA: For you, baby. The car behind Gloria's honks. CARLOS: And for right now? GLORIA: A salad. CARLOS: Dressing? GLORIA: Oh, dressing is overrated. CARLOS: OK, then. Three-twelve with tax. Gloria holds Carlos's hand, puts a five in his palm, and folds his fingers over it. He ducks back into the window, pops back out with her change, and gives her the money the same way. He reaches back for a bag and gives it to her. CARLOS: Don't forget to check the receipt. There's a special offer on it. Gloria pulls the receipt out of the bag. A phone number is scribbled on it. Gloria smiles and pulls away.

DRIVE THOUGH WINDOW – MID AFTERNOON Hot and red, a Porsche Boxster revs to front position at the drive-through window. Sultry, with patterned legs and cleavage booster bra, HOT MAMA (49) fluffs her hair and peers over her dark shades. Decked out in funky fast food gear, MEAT MAN (45) mans the helm of action and directs his attention to the customer. MEAT MAN That will be $6.99. Looking up, his words catch in his throat. Twangy and twisting her hair Hot Mama hands over a large bill. HOT MAMA Keep the change. Death by Chocolate – I’ve waited so long. She dips her finger into the goo and sucks it off. Tipping his head he’s off guard. MEAT MAN Will that be all. HOT MAMA No. I want more. Don’t remember do you? There’s a magnum between her patterned thighs. MEAT MAN Should I? HOT MAMA How could you forget, I couldn’t, ever. MEAT MAN I’m sorry. HOT MAMA You are. Come closer. He leans out his window. She rises and whispers in his ear. His eyes widen. She chokeholds him and wrangles him out the window, askew into the front seat. Holding the steel barrel to his crotch. HOT MAMA Still don’t remember do you? Need a refresher? 2008 … You and my sorry ex… His eyes flicker with recognition … and fear. MEAT MAN You’re … HOT MAMA Yes. It’s time to reclaim what’s mine. MEAT MAN I don’t know where … HOT MAMA You better start remembering. Maybe this will help you remember where you stashed my life. He wiggles and stammers as she nudges her packed heat. Cocks the gun. HOT MAMA Cat’s got your tongue … I got your … MEAT MAN I got your … I’ll tell you ... Just give me a sec … Throwing her head back in reckless abandon, she guns the Porsche around the corner, into the parking lot, and slides onto a loading ramp and into the back of a truck. The truck bed closes. Undecipherable raised voices echo inside. There’s a POP. Silence. A fresh faced blonde struts from the truck with a lighter load. Drops a wig and patterned tights in the trash she grabs a shopping cart, Hot Mama transformed into revenged shopping mom. HOT MAMA I’m so tired of all this talking.

DRIVE THOUGH WINDOW – MID AFTERNOON Hot and red, a Porsche Boxster revs to front position at the drive-through window. Sultry, with patterned legs and cleavage booster bra, HOT MAMA (49) fluffs her hair and peers over her dark shades. Decked out in funky fast food gear, MEAT MAN (45) mans the helm of action and directs his attention to the customer. MEAT MAN That will be $6.99. Looking up, his words catch in his throat. Twangy and twisting her hair Hot Mama hands over a large bill. HOT MAMA Keep the change. Death by Chocolate – I’ve waited so long. She dips her finger into the goo and sucks it off. Tipping his head he’s off guard. MEAT MAN Will that be all. HOT MAMA No. I want more. Don’t remember do you? There’s a magnum between her patterned thighs. MEAT MAN Should I? HOT MAMA How could you forget, I couldn’t, ever. MEAT MAN I’m sorry. HOT MAMA You are. Come closer. He leans out his window. She rises and whispers in his ear. His eyes widen. She chokeholds him and wrangles him out the window, askew into the front seat. Holding the steel barrel to his crotch. HOT MAMA Still don’t remember do you? Need a refresher? 2008 … You and my sorry ex… His eyes flicker with recognition … and fear. MEAT MAN You’re … HOT MAMA Yes. It’s time to reclaim what’s mine. MEAT MAN I don’t know where … HOT MAMA You better start remembering. Maybe this will help you remember where you stashed my life. He wiggles and stammers as she nudges her packed heat. Cocks the gun. HOT MAMA Cat’s got your tongue … I got your … MEAT MAN I got your … I’ll tell you ... Just give me a sec … Throwing her head back in reckless abandon, she guns the Porsche around the corner, into the parking lot, and slides onto a loading ramp and into the back of a truck. The truck bed closes. Undecipherable raised voices echo inside. There’s a POP. Silence. A fresh faced blonde struts from the truck with a lighter load. Drops a wig and patterned tights in the trash she grabs a shopping cart, Hot Mama transformed into revenged shopping mom. HOT MAMA I’m so tired of all this talking.

Feedback 1: I thought the scene was fun. My only feedback would be in digging deeper to the character actions -- is this the first time she's flirted with him at all? It seems like she's really into him so I would think she'd have done this before, in which case he probably would have gotten mad in a previous week. Usually we're seeing our characters in one of two situations: Slice of Life -- in which Maggie would do this regularly and Mr Rogers would be used to it by now or Special Occasion (Character Changing type stories like most films) -- in which case something would be very different for Maggie this week for her to change up the normal routine (or different for Mr Rogers if he's the focal point). But I didn't get an indication of what, if anything, might have changed from last week.

SCENE 1 EXT. BOB’S DRIVE THRU - MORNING GRACE (45) stares at the menu board and we hear: JOHN (O.S.) Be with you in a minute golden light o’ the mornin’ GRACE Just need a tall dark - no room please. Grace looks at her cell phone, still no text. A young couple in the car ahead of her at the drive-thru window are all over each other. They are oblivious to JOHN (46) leaning out the window trying to get their attention. JOHN (O.S.) You are even more beautiful now than you were a minute ago - tell me your heart’s desire. Grace is in a hurry so tries to keep her annoyance in check. GRACE Tall dark - please. JOHN A tall dark with no room, and the man you’ve been waiting for all of your life coming up. Anything else? Grace preoccupied by her cell phone. Still no text. JOHN (CONT’D) Hey beautiful - could you just give your horn a little toot at the 2 lovebirds in front of you, so I can get you your coffee and take a look at your pretty face in person? Grace is now more annoyed after looking at her phone again and honks the car horn a little bit longer than she needs to. That felt good! The lovebirds emerge and pull away. Grace arrives at the window. JOHN (CONT’D) Thanks Miss Morning Light. They might have stayed all morning. On the house! He is very nice looking indeed - GRACE Why thank you very much Mr. tall and dark! JOHN Gracie? Grace takes a longer look. GRACE John? JOHN Whoa - you really ARE taking my breath away. GRACE John O’Brien I thought . . . . I thought you were chasing storms . . . somewhere in Argentina. (beat) God dammit John! What in the hell are you doing here? The man in the car behind Grace honks its horn.

Scene 1 EXT. DIXIE DRIVE-THRU -- DAY MIKE motors away from the order window and halts at the pick-up window. Buxom BARB puts three bags on the window sill and reads from her CRT. BARB: That's two orders of Mega-Fries, and an order of Mega-Grits, two double decker Sizzle-Burgers-- MIKE: (staring at her boobs) I wanted one Mega Fries and grew Mega-Tits. BARB: Grew Mega-Tits? MIKE: Two Mega-Grits. BARB: (Swapping out fries) Are y'all lookin' at my boobs? MIKE: No. I mean yes. I couldn't really help it. There they were. Sorry. BARB: No problemo. So it's two Mega-Grits, one Mega-Fries, (hands that bag to him) three chocolate shakes, two double-decker Sizzle-Burgers, no pickles, and one with pickles, no onion. That it? (unbuttons her top button) MIKE: No, two double dickers with peckles...I mean two double dickels with peckers-- BARB: I'm sorry; we don't serve dickels or peckers. Try Das Wienershtickel, down the block. MIKE: (reddening) One...double...decker..with...pickles. Two double deckers, no pickles... BARB: (Swapping out burgers) No onion? MIKE: Just put a few slices in my bag. BARB: Okay, here ya go. (drops onion slices into the bag, picks it up and squeezes the bottom gently as she hands it out the window) MIKE: And three chocolate shakes. BARB: Got 'em. (Leans out window even further to hand the last bag to him). These all for you? Or you meetin' your girlfriend for lunch? MIKE: Just the guys I work with; no girlfriend. BARB: Oh, that's too bad. Y'all should come back at dinnertime an' order our finger-lickin' Chick-on-a-Stick, with Grande-Grits an' bacon bits an' a big ol' peanut-butter Snickerdoodle. MIKE: With pickles? BARB: With anythin' y'all want. MIKE: I'll see you at six. I'm Mike. BARB: I'm Barb. I'll bet you'll like our Chick-on-your-Stick.

Cute, clever, fun.

Feedback 1 Intriguing, makes me want to see how this plays out subsequently. There's some backstory here that we don't see--how does she know his name? I'm a little unsure why he backs up. It's hinted that he's on emotional overload, but I don't see it clearly. I also wonder why, having read her nametag, why he doesn't address her by name, which might move the scene along a little further, storywise. Good characterization. I know these people, now, and care what happens. Nice job.

Scene 1 Girl: Hi there, cowboy, what can I get for you. Man: How did you know I was a cowboy? Girl: We don't get many men wearing Stetsons in this part of the world. Man: Is that right? Girl leans out of the window, gives him a big smile and shows some cleavage. Girl: I'll bet you've just flown in from Texas, size of you and that big old hat. Man: You're right. Girl: I'd love to be a stewardess on one of those transatlantic flights. Man: You would? Girl: I really would. You know, be a jet setter, join the mile high club, meet some nice big Texan cowboy wearing a big Stetson on his head. Man: You would? Girl: I really would. Man: So what's stopping you? Girl: Turbulence. Man: Turbulence? Girl: Yeah, turbulence. I'm so scared of turbulence. The way the plane jigs up and down, starts shaking like the bolts are going to fall out and the wings are going to drop off. Bump, bump, bump, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle. (She bounces her breasts) Then you have to get all belted in, get all trussed up, how would you say it? Like a turkey at Thanksgiving. You know what I mean? Man: I think I do. You know, you kinda remind me of the stewardess on my flight. Girl: I do? Man: You sure do. Girl: Was she pretty? Man: She sure was. Girl: Did you get some turbulence? Man: We sure did. Girl: Did you really? Man: We really did and it was real bad. Would you mind taking this? He hands her the bag and drives off. She stands in the window, holding the bag at arms length, staring after the departing car. The bottom drops out of the bag. She looks down. Girl: You sure did.

Really enjoyed reading through this. Thought your timing was spot on. The only thing which seemed unnecessary was Barbs asking if Mike was looking at her boobs. It was obvious what he was looking at and it sort of got in the way of the flow.The word play made me laugh out loud.

An attractive young woman takes orders at the drive-thru window. Her next customer is an old fat man, who also happens to be an old customer. The girl is new. Girl: Sir, what would you like to order? Man: fries, coke, and a burger – a big burger, the biggest. (Winking at her) I am big -- everywhere. You can ask old Dana. Does she still work here? Girl: the biggest burger for this big man with fries and coke -- also, the biggest, sir? (cynical) Man: Yes ! So—what are you doing here? Girl: working Man nods his head. Man: I see---how long have you been working here? Girl: since eight o'clock this morning. Man nods his head. Man: I mean how long? She looks at her watch. Girl: four hours. Man: I mean how many days. It's good to have young and fresh people working here. Man ogles at her. Man: I love fresh lettuce. Girl looks past him. Girl: here you are sir, burger, fries and coke. Man: thanks. When do you work here? (no answer). Girl: Sir, move on, please, we've got customers waiting. Man: I see you tomorrow.

FEEDBACK 1 I like what is going on here, with two people flirting without knowing they actually know each other. That said, in my opinion, John seemed to have a really gutsy demeanor. It would seem that Grace is in a much better position to overtly flirt as opposed to John, although I could be dead wrong. If I was working at a drive-through and told someone how beautiful they were over the intercom there would probably be some sort of retribution. Perhaps John tells Grace how beautiful she is (or whispers it so he doesn't get caught), but now he’s in the middle of being fired or scolded when she pulls in front of the window and he's continuing to flirt with her. Seeing how that plays out would add a bit of conflict and pacing to the scene in my opinion. Again, overall though, I like where you’re going with this scene!

SCENE 1 __________________________________ MEGGAN(65) glimpses out the window at the never ending line. The next car drives to the window. The car behind it is honking rhythmically. A YOUNG MAN pops out of the car in front of her. YOUNG MAN Oh! Where's Christine? MEGGAN We don't have Christine here, how about some FOOD! YOUNG MAN(nervous) Umm..ya..a cheeseburger. She hands him the packet, He shuffles his fingers in the wallet for money The car behind still honking MEGGAN (she's always shouting) Quick! He hands over the money and drives away nervously MEGGAN Get lost! The honking car behind drives to the window, revealing a jolly JOE(70) sitting inside. JOE (he speaks ever so slow) Hello my dear! She doesn't make eye contact MEGGAN What do YOU want?! JOE You! and..and..and MEGGAN Quick! JOE I am sorry for the fight we..we had today- MEGGAN NEXT!! Multiple cars honk JOE I just wanted to say… I..I..I MEGGAN looks at her watch with a frown, JOE I..I MEGGAN stares at him with folding her hands, waiting. Cars honk behind JOE Its been 8 years and..and.. and MEGGAN Ya since you've finished a sentence! JOE Will you marry me? Silence She is taken aback HONK! MEGGAN (smiling) Yes! (Back to business) Now get lost! JOE (as his car drives away) Yaaaaayyy!!! MEGGAN looks back at him, smiling Another car drives by the window MAN Where the hell's Christine?! She circles her eyes MEGGAN (shouting) How about-- BLACK ____________________________ Thank you for reading. Do not hesitate to criticise:)

Feedback 1 - Julie Sorci Very nice dialogue, it flows. I love the older actors and the proposal in such an off kilter way. The ticking time clock with the horns honking and that she gets right back down to business after blurting out yes. Great scene!

Feedback 2 Julie Sorci Your dialogue flows, right along with the action. You effectively convey the brush off ... and his intent to be persistent. The big burger had me chuckling! Yes, the biggest burger ... love the sarcasm and use of food to convey the scene.

- Susan (46) drives her car towards a smiling clown speaker system near a fast food restaurant. Clown: (in a bored voice) Welcome to Chuggi Mountain, can I take your order? Susan: (Very sensually) Hello handsome. Clown: (sensual voice) Well hello there! I've been waiting for you. Susan: Have you really? Clown: Always. How can I tempt you today? Susan: You know what I like. Clown: How about something exotic. Susan: Go on. Clown: I'm going to say... large. Susan: Oh, yes. Clown: Hot. Susan: Will it hurt? Clown: A little bit, maybe, but I'm sure you will like it. Susan: Will it fill me up? Clown: It will leave you wanting for more. Susan: Better make it two then. Clown: Can you take it? Susan: All the way. Clown: Then I got exactly what you need. Susan: Oh, I can't wait... - A car honk interrupts her. Susan: (annoyed, towards the car in the back) I'm ordering here! Really! - She turns back to the speaker. Susan: Where were we? Oh, yes! (sensually) I can't wait for you to give it to me. Clown: Then come on over. You know where to find me. - Susan drives her car to the drive-thru window. Charlie (21) hands over two coffees in a cardboard frame. Charlie: (Normal voice) Here you go Mrs. Dubanowski, two large Sumatra blend, extra hot. That'll be 3.50. - Susan gives 4 dollar bills to Charlie. Susan: (Normal voice) Thank you, Charlie. Keep the change. Same time tomorrow? Charlie: I'll be waiting. - Susan drives her car away from the drive-thru window. Charlie smiles and puts the money in the till, and takes 50 cents for the tip jar. Charlie: (to his headset, in a bored voice) Welcome to Chuggi Mountain, can I take your order?

Forgot to mention, this is my third scene.

SCENE 1 HAROLD (75), pulls and tugs at his ridiculously childish fast-food uniform as he speaks into his headset. HAROLD: Small diet coke, that it? Ok, pull on up. He fills the drink with a sigh, sinks as he spots JANICE (72) pulling up to the window in her Chevy Suburban. She's at eye-level in the huge vehicle. JANICE: Harold? Well I'll be. I thought Gladys was fibbing when she said you worked here, but there you are. HAROLD: That'll be a dollar-thirty. JANICE: For that little thing? I guess they got to pay your wages somehow. HAROLD: Supports my luxurious life at the retirement home. JANICE: (overlaughs) You and your wit, Harold! You know, I've always admired the industrious type. My Georgie, I loved that man but he was so lazy, you know? For years I fantasized about having a go-getter, an aggressive man, someone who knows what he wants and doesn't stop till he gets it, you know? HAROLD: I prefer the laid-back type. JANICE: (more dramatic laughing) Oh you! Look at that get-up. Don't you look so handsome in your uniform. HAROLD: Remember you said the same about the Walmart vest when I was a greeter. JANICE: Mmmm, the blue brought out your eyes. HAROLD: And the Home Depot. JANICE: Oooh, that orange! Like a hunter in the wild. (ponders) My, you've had a lot of jobs, haven't you? A car back at the menu board honks. HAROLD: (in headset) I'll be right with you. (to Janice) Gets me out of the home. Some peace of mind. JANICE: Yes I know. Some people there just about drive me bonkers. Harold gives Janice a blank stare. The car resumes honking, agrier this time. JANICE: Well, sounds like you have to get back to work, but I'll definitely be stopping by again soon! Janice winks and drives off. Harold begins fidgeting with the buttons on his shirt. The DRIVER of the honking car is irate, he yells at the speaker. DRIVER: Hey! Can I get some freakin' service here! Harold pulls his shirt off and balls it up. HAROLD: Not from me. I quit. With that he rips off his headset and tosses it to the ground with his shirt and shuffles away.

Feedback 1 Good work. I liked how the flirting takes place through the ridiculous clown face. It's definitely a funny situation, like phone-sex with a clown. Maybe the innuendo could even be a little more edgy after she gets interrupted. Have her really getting off on it, knowing people maybe hear her. Nevertheless, it definitely makes me want to see how this evolves. Does their little game turn into an actual affair? An obsession for one party? Or is it a set-up to some future pay-off. Maybe she comes back and unknowingly flirts with someone else. Well done.

Scene 1 Girl: Two big macs, fries, cherry coke straight up Guy: Coke’s got no cherry since ’08. You want diet? Girl: What you saying? Guy: (to back of shop) two bigs, fries, regular (to girl) seven bucks Girl hands over a five and a lump of change. She stretches: a small heart tattoo above the elbow shows. Voice from Back of Shop: New fries. Extra 60 Guy: a minute for the fries. You want to pull round or wait Girl: diet, huh? Guy counting change. Gives up at the sight of all the small stuff. Girl: You call me fat. You don’t count my money. Guy: I’ll take your word for it. Girl: Don’t take my word for it. Check it out for yourself. (off guy’s puzzled look). Count it! Guy resumes counting change. Car pulls up behind. Flashes lights. Girl flies bird into rear mirror. Twists the mirror Guy: You can pull round if you like. Someone will bring your order. Girl: I’ll wait for you hun. And I already know what I like. Keep counting. Maybe I overpaid you. Guy hands back some change. Guy: That’s Canada, that’s Mexico, and that’s I don’t know where. You got six eighty here. Car behind flashes lights. Girl gets out of car Girl (to car behind): You want some. Car behind reverses a little. Girl takes change from guy. Girl: I ain’t never been to Mexico She spots a coin on the ground. Bends over to pick it up. Angle on rear mirror. She sees guy checking her out. Girl: Here’s the twenty. Girl gets back into car. Guy: It’s nice. Girl: I knows it is. Guy: Mexico. Voice from back of shop: Fries down. Extra minute. Girl: I’ll close my eyes and think of Mexico. Girl closes eyes. Guy leans forward. An eye flicks open. She catches him. Girl: You know. Maybe you’re right. Change that coke to diet. Back of shop: Keep it moving Brad, then take your break. Guy: Regular is extra ten cents. Girl takes off her wedding ring. Drops it into the payment tray. Girl: That’s all I got. Guy passes over the order. He stretches: a small heart tattoo under his short sleeve shirt. Girl: Why don’t you bring it over to me Brraad since it’s your break. I won’t tell my husband if you don’t tell your wife. Girl drives off. Guy picks up ring Voice from back of shop: Brad make sure your wife pays for her order this time.

SCENE 1: EXT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT DRIVE-THRU WINDOW – NIGHT WONDER WOMAN, in her full regalia, takes orders on her head set and preps bags of food to go. A Ford Pinto cruises up to the window. Its license plate frame reads: My Other Car is an Audi R8 In the driver’s seat – IRON MAN checks out Wonder Woman. He pushes a button which retracts the face cover of his helmet. He looks at her face to face. Their eyes LOCK. He hands her a C-Note. She doesn't take it. WONDER WOMAN: No bills larger than twenty. She points to a sign: We Do Not Accept Bills Larger than $20.00 A twenty dollar bill slides out of Iron Man’s left wrist like an ATM machine. He hands her the Andrew Jackson. IRON MAN: Here you go, my dear. Wonder Woman leans forward to accept the money. IRON MAN: You’re looking very fetch, Diana. WONDER WOMAN: That’s Princess Diana, to you, Mr. Stark. IRON MAN: Playing hard to get. I dig that. Picture this. I take you out for a steak and lobster dinner with tablecloths and silk napkins – at my mansion. My insane good looks, witty repertoire and several bottles of vino will naturally win you over. Then…we test out your golden lasso. WONDER WOMAN: Uh-huh. Like I haven’t heard every "Fifty Shades" come-on from the legions of zit-faced palookas that roll into this joint. It’s the Lasso of Truth, Tony. You couldn't handle it. IRON MAN: We won’t know if we don’t try. Horns HONK in the background. Wonder Woman hands him his bag of greasy food and soda. WONDER WOMAN: You and I come from different universes. It would never work. IRON MAN: Never say never, Princess. ‘Til next we meet. Ciao. WONDER WOMAN: You mean “tomorrow?” Iron Man drives away.

SCENE 1 EXT. Taco Loco Drive-thru - Day (Ricky, 19, quickly scans the menu before stopping his pickup truck in front of the order microphone) RICKY: (dissatisfied) What do I want... (An overly sensual woman's voice projects from the order intercom) WOMAN(O.S.): Welcome to Taco Loco. Would you like to try our Taco Grande today? (Bug-eyed, Ricky turns away from the menu mouthing 'oh my god!' He sits up straight and clears his throat for optimal lower pitch voice enhancement) RICKY: What exactly is the Taco Grande? WOMAN(O.S.): It's the same as our regular taco, but with three times the meat and our signature cream sauce. RICKY: Cream sauce? I like the sound of that. I'll give it a shot. WOMAN(O.S.): One Taco Grande. Anything else? RICKY: That should do it. WOMAN(O.S.): That'll be $3.69. Please pull around. (Ricky pulls away and starts digging in his pocket for the money) RICKY: Oh, I'll give you $3.69. (He stops in front of the unattended pickup window continuing to dig in his pockets as he waits for the attendant) RICKY: When I'm done, I'll eat that taco and go loco all over your-- (The pick-up windows slams open) WOMAN: That'll be-- (Two lazy eyes, thick rimmed glasses and a grossly overweight late 20's woman) RICKY: (startled) Ah!-- (Ricky drops the money in between his legs. He reaches for it, now seeming to be grabbing something other than money) RICKY: I'm..., uh, give me a second... (Ricky's truck towers over the height of the window. He quickly pushes the money out the window while avoiding eye contact at all costs. One of the coins flips into the woman's cleavage) (Ricky looks in horror, then looks straight ahead. She looks up and smiles. Ricky puts his hand on the stick shift preparing to leave as soon as possible) (The woman leans out the window holding up his food to the car window with two hands, proudly accentuating her bosom. Ricky looks away, revs the engine, and reaches for the bag out the corner of his eye) (He grabs the top of the bag and guns it) (The engine stalls) (The woman's hand encloses around his hand on the bag...she winks...Ricky pulls his hand away with an awkward smile while desperately trying to start the car) WOMAN: Enjoy your Taco Grande. (Ricky peels out and disgustedly throws the taco in the street)

FEEDBACK 1: Nice job. I like the subtext of the dialogue. Everything Janice says is a gossipy passive-aggressive ding to his ego. Her laughing escalates as her poor attempts at flirty talk knocks pegs off Harold’s confidence and self-worth. Does she live in the same retirement home as Harold or just visits? I wasn’t sure in the context of the scene. If she just visits, I can imagine her feeling superior to the rest. Throwing insensitive bon mots to everyone as she maniacally giggles. If you go that route, then her comments about her late husband, Georgie, could be modified to reveal (brag) that he was born into wealth and never had to be an “industrious type” like Harold. Some additional thoughts: What if Georgie's family owns Harold's retirement home? Then part of the reason he likes to get out of the home is to avoid Janice and the oppressive Georgie establishment? Maybe he keeps changing jobs because she keeps finding out where he works?

• • • FEEDBACK 1 • • • Michael, I read all of the dialogue posts above yours and this was the first one I really enjoyed. The banter is quippy & witty. She has a lot of spitfire that easily shows through. It flows smoothly & I get a sense of locale by the less than educated vocabulary. It feels very small town Texas to me honestly. You missed the CHARACTER (O.S) slug for the back shop voice at the end but it was such an unexpected ending, I didn't notice that at first. Added a great little twist to the scene and provided a good ending truth be told. Nice work. My only critique; since this is a marriage couple having a "play date", a few visual queues from him that he doesn't actually find her annoying, an amused twinkle in his eye, a raised eyebrow, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. I don't think this would give away the twist, but would lead the reader to think this guy actually isn't put off my this cheap chick holding up his line and causing him grief. Good work Michael.

Phone-sex with a clown? That is freaking hilarious. Thanks for your feedback.

Thanks Your notes are well received.

Thank you for the feedback. I'll try and integrate in in further writings.

Thank you for your feedback. Answers: 1) He comes every week and she likes him so she remembers his name (he may have mentioned it in the past), 2) He moves backward at first so that he can start the conversation again with that new piece of information. He likes to look cool :) 3) He does address her by her name after reseting the situation (Maggy). Thank you.

Feedback 1 I like this. The dialogue is great. I love how he is completely annoyed with her questions. The action itself was a little odd. Seemed like too much movement with the back and forth. I had to read it twice to understand what was happen. That being said, I did like his reaction and he's response to realizing she was flirting with him.

I loved the banter. She's definitely in his league if not the same universe. I can see Tony Stark trying to woo this ultimate woman. Only thing I noticed is I think it should be fetching not fetch. Unless he's trying to sound hip hop or something. Otherwise, enjoyed it. Great job.

Writing Challenge: SCENE 1 EXT. - DRIVE-THRU – NIGHT A brand new Mustang GT pulls up to the drive-thru window. A WOMAN (27), a strikingly beautiful brunette, is behind the wheel. COREY (19) is working the window. COREY: That was a Double Trouble burger, a large half and half tea and a small fry? WOMAN: Sure was, Corey. COREY: Do I know you? I think I’d remember you. WOMAN: The nametag, sweetie. Corey is embarrassed. COREY: Oh, yeah. Nice car, by the way. WOMAN: Thank you. COREY: So you like Mustangs? WOMAN: Apparently. COREY: Duh. Stupid question. WOMAN: Are you nervous, Corey? COREY: Actually, I’m about to pass out. WOMAN: Why? Is it hot in there? COREY: Not as hot as it is in there. (Referring to her car) WOMAN: And here I thought you were bashful. COREY: Wow. I can’t believe I just said that to you. WOMAN: Well…you did. COREY: Yeah, I guess I did. WOMAN: So do you always come onto customers like this? COREY: No! I’m kinda new here. WOMAN: I thought so. COREY: This is my first day. WOMAN: And possibly your last. COREY: What? WOMAN: My husband owns this place and I don’t think he’s going to be too happy with you hitting on customers, Corey. COREY: Son of a…I’m so sorry! I had no idea! WOMAN: I guess I don’t have to mention this to him this time. COREY: Please don’t. I’m really sorry. Here’s your food. It’s on me. WOMAN: Thanks, Corey. I’ll keep this between you and me. COREY: Thank you! I promise it won’t happen again. WOMAN: Bye, Corey. COREY: Bye. The woman in the Mustang pulls away. Kent (20), another employee walks up to Corey. KENT: Whoa, man, that chick was smokin’ hot! COREY: Yeah, and she was the owner’s wife. KENT: Uh, dude, Mr. Crenshaw’s wife is like seventy. I’ve met her. COREY: Son of a…

Thanks Brian. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :D Iron Man uses the term "fetch" (rather than "fetching") as a nod to the 2004 comedy "Mean Girls."

Dialogue Challenge Day 1 Flirting in the drive thru Ext. Burger Palace-Day Allen drives up as Megan slides open the window. She holds out a bag with one hand, the other palm upturned waiting for money. She says nothing. Barely looks at the guy. ALLEN: (smiling) Come on, please. MEGAN: 4.75, sir.. ALLEN: I'm begging here. MEGAN: Beg all you want, but you're not getting my number. ALLEN: Oh come on. I think I've earned it. Megan drops the bag on the window ledge. MEGAN: Nobody told you to circle my drive-thru eight times. It's a drive-thru not a drive-around. (motioning with her hand)You drive-thru and go home. ALLEN: It shows I'm persistent... MEGAN: Annoying ALLEN: And consistent... MEGAN: At not following directions. ALLEN: And determined..... MEGAN: To hold up my line. ALLEN: All those are good qualities. Just one date. Not even a date. Coffee....and a pastry. Megan rolls her eyes. ALLEN: Who doesn't love a good scone. MEGAN: Look, even if I were interested, which I'm not...harassing me at my window is not the way to do it. Girls like no hassle dating. We like guys who pay attention and understand message. You feel me? Allen nods. MEGAN: Great. 4:75. Allen hands over the money. Megan hands over the bag. As Allen drives off, he looks down at the bag. A message is scribbled across it. "I GET OFF AT 10." Allen suddenly leans out the window and looks back. ALLEN: I got the message! Oops! Allen quickly over-corrects right before he almost runs up curb. Megan laughs to herself as her tends to another customer.

Feedback 9 Nikki Very well written scene. I particularly liked the to and fro of the dialogue, sassy and fun. Very good chemistry between the protagonists. Great build up and funny punchline. Not trying to be picky, but I would just add "no-hassle dating" and "understand the message" to Megan's penultimate line. Read the dialogue aloud a couple of times and these things pop out naturally. In any case, very nicely done.

In that case...Perfect.

Feedback #2 Very minimal action given and I could visualize everything. You did it mostly with dialogue which was the point so well done. A little gross at the end. I like that. Lol. Maybe if he'd had more of a Texas accent and used some cowboy slang it would rounded out his character a little more. Overall very good!

SCENE 5 SCENE 5 Indian restaurant drive through. PINKY at the order window. SHAH drives in. PINKY: Hullo this is Pinky. Yourorderplease… SHAH: Hullo hullo Pinky, no hurry, is there? PINKY: Your order? SHAH: Aww…don’t get angry, my Pinky… PINKY: I’m NOT your Pinky. Your order? SHAH: The Aloo paratha special. Two, if you’ll share with me… PINKY: One Aloo paratha special, That will be Rs.150/- please. (taking the cash and giving the receipt and food back) PINKY: Your registered mobile number? SHAH: The same as it has been for the last ten days. And your mobile number? PINKY: STOP IT ! Do you know who I am? SHAH: I don’t know who you are. But I know who I want you to be! Mrs. Shah. PINKY: You know who I am? You heard of THE GOON? SHAH: Who hasn’t? PINKY: I’m his daughter. You know why you haven’t lost an arm or been bashed? You’re lucky. Stay lucky,ok? SHAH drives off in a hurry. NEXT MORNING, at the Drive through window SHAH: The Aloo paratha special. Two, if you’ll share with me… PINKY: What??? You again! Must be a brave man! (CUT)

FEEDBACK 11 Hey Austere, Alright, so, I read your scene a few times...since you’re at the very end I wanted to get you some feedback; the end of the forum usually gets ignored! Anyway, I like the conflict in the scene. I get it that Pinky doesn’t want anything to do with Shah. The “But I know who I want you to be!” seems a little over the top to me...although perhaps that was the intention. If you were going for a more realistic angle that would be a little too far. As for THE GOON, I understand what you’re trying to do. I also understand that The Goon is a violent group, but for reason it didn’t really resonate with me. It felt a little too convenient. To clarify, I’m not saying having the Good is a bad idea, I’m just thinking perhaps there should be something PINKY does that alludes to the fact that she is a part of a gangster family, know what I mean? It just comes completely out of the blue and a few clues are dangled. I don’t know, I’m trying to put my finger on it a little better, but that’s the best I can come up with. With all that said, I definitely thought it was clever to have Shah come back again. I’m assuming at the beginning when he says “my Pinky” he has done this multiple times before? If so, threatening him with violence makes a lot more sense. Nice scene, I enjoyed it.

Thank you... yes, Goon is over the top...great feedback!

FADE IN INT. ENTRANCE TO MOVIE THEATER, ABANDONED CRUISE SHIP - DAY An old woman, wearing dowdy dress and old-fashioned wig ambles toward the entrance blocked by a somnolent robot, dressed in a rumpled steward's suit. HER Hm-hm, excuse me officer... HIM Ahem, yes, madam... Good afternoon. Your voucher and class permit - HER You mean passport and driver's license, officer? HIM Exactly. Step aside or hand over that.. What you just said. A woman shies aside with a SQUEAK, giving way to an invisible crowd. She handles him her bag, he opens it, pulls out some documents. HER Here you go officer. My documents. That one will be my passport. And my sexy picture, right here. It's all clean. HIM Class B. Welcome, madam. How is your trip? HER Well, I am traveling alone, as you can imagine... It's going to be a very lonely trip. She smiles amiably, dusts off imaginary dust, slowly raises up the rim of her dress. HIM Second row to the left, madam. I mean, where are you headed? HER To the final frontier, officer, Star Track. I've heard they have marvelous beach. She winks. Again. He shuffles. HIM Er.. HER (whispering) My hair... My hair. HIM Oh, yes, madam. Your hair. You have lovely hair. Er.. HER And you officer are quite charming. Any luck you are single? HIM Er... What now? She flaps her arms, taps dusty floor with her foot. He smacks his head. HIM (CONT'D) Oh, yeah. Wing A, cabin 1409 needs cleaning. She yanks her purse, smacks him on his head. HER How many times I've told you, this is a drive-through booth at the border. You are an officer, not steward. I am a pretty, first-class tramp. She swings around, chugs away with a SQUEAK. Her wig tilts aside, clothes fall off, revealing rusty robot-maid. FADE OUT

Hi Michele, Great job! Nice scene, tight dialogue, cool choice of the characters, very creative. What I was missing is a twist at the end. Natalie

Thanks Nat Me. If I extended scene a bit, I could add a little button/twist to the end. Thanks for the insight.

FEEDBACK 1 I liked how specific this was, like the mention of the car being a 1968 red sedan (I don't know if this would be quite so popular if you sent it to an agent, but I thought it was a nice touch), it kind of gave me a Stephen King sort of vibe. As someone else said there does seem to be a lot of backstory to these characters, but I liked how you just hinted at it instead of spelling it all out. Good job.

SCENE 6 EXT. HAPPY BURGER--DAY JANE opens the window, starts to hand over the order. Her smile fades at the sight of her ex, BOB, in the waiting car. JANE: What are you doing here? BOB: Just hear me out. JANE: Two cheeseburgers, extra cheese with no onions but extra pickles and just a dab of ketchup on each? I should've known. She shakes her head. JANE: Just take your food and go. BOB: Not till you hear what I've got to say. Jane glances at the long line of cars waiting behind him. Shoves the bag at him. JANE: Here you go. On the house. Bob ignores the offering, makes no attempt to move. Jane sighs loudly. JANE: You're gonna start a riot here. BOB: I just wanted to apologize. JANE: And you did. Great. Off you go. BOB (hopefully): Does this mean you forgive me? JANE: Are you kidding? The car behind Bob HONKS loudly. DRIVER: Hey! What's the holdup? Bob ignores him, focuses on Jane. BOB: I know I screwed up. I know I hurt you, Jane, I'm not asking you to pretend otherwise. JANE: You fucked my sister! BOB: And I've regretted that every day since. I can live with you hating me forever, being angry, but it kills me to know I hurt you. Jane's eyes fill with tears as the car honks again. JANE: Bob, I can't do this right now. I just can't. Bob takes her hand, grips it tightly in his. The honking in the background grows louder as other cars join in. BOB: Just think about it, okay? You're one in a million, Janie, and I'll wait as long as it takes takes because you're worth it. He smiles sadly, squeezes her hand once more, and lets go. Jane watches him drive off, then opens her hand to find a diamond RING twinkling at her.

FEEDBACK 5 Nice job conveying the flirtation and Brian's abrupt change of heart when he gets a glimpse of the woman. I'd like to see a little more dialogue in the last part of the scene, since it seems pretty action-heavy there, but the flirting at the start was really well-done.

FEEDBACK 6 I like your twist at the end, and you did a really good job using the dialogue to move the scene forward. The only critique I'd have is about how the woman told Corey she was married to the owner--it felt like it could have had more oomph if she'd added in something about how jealous her husband was and what happened to the last guy who hit on her. That's just my opinion, though, and I really thought you did a nice job with this prompt!