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CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND Screenplay by Charlie Kaufman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOnIqWuSCIk (The sequence in the script varies slightly from the final filmed version.) ---------- INT. REHEARSAL HALL - DAY Barris sits with a several network executive and some other staff members watching a fat man tap dance badly and, because of his weight, extremely loudly. It's painful for everybody to watch. The fat man finishes. BARRIS Thank you. Thanks. That was great. The fat smiles and exits. Barris puts his head in his hands. EXECUTIVE WOMAN I don't know, Chuck. It's looking bleak. BARRIS There's gotta be somebody in America with some talent. Ted Mack got bookings every week. The executives look at each other. BARRIS (CONT'D) Bring in the next thing. An assistant opens the door and a middle-aged woman in pale blue polyester pants and Joan Crawford painted on eyebrows enters with a guitar. She begins to sing a folk song, very sincerely, in a very off-key monotone. It's unbearable and depressing. Barris glances over at the executive; she's checking her watch again. The song is endless. Barris's eyes grow cloudy. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. FIELD - DAY This is the same field where Renda was shot. Now, the folk-singing woman is in the field singing. Barris pulls out a gun and aims it at the woman. Her eyes widen in terror, but she keeps singing. A church bell chimes and Barris shoots her. She flies back, spurting blood. Her guitar hits the ground with a twang. INT. REHEARSAL HALL - DAY Barris snaps out of his fantasy with renewed energy. The folksinger is still droning on. BARRIS (ushering out) Thank you. Thank you. We'll be in touch. That was wonderful. Barris closes the door behind the folksinger and turns to the executives. BARRIS (CONT'D) We've been going about this all wrong. Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts, we just book bad ones and kill them. EXECUTIVE #2 Chuck, it's torture to sit through even one of these people -- BARRIS We kill 'em before they're through. As soon as it gets unbearable, we kill 'em. Dead. --------------- Perhaps not the intention, but this scene is in the spirit of explaining the mission. The fun of this scene is, of course, the double meaning of "kill." Barris (an undercover assassin) fantasizes killing the "talent" and uses that inspiration to create "The Gong Show," where the point was for celebrity judges to kill the performance if/when it became unbearable. It's a simple play on words, but in a dark comedy, those double meanings can add subtext and humor to an otherwise okay scene.

The Blues Brothers (1980) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3LeDsTsmR4 ELWOOD: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark... and we're wearing sunglasses. JAKE: Hit it.

MANNI: You said, "Love can do everything." So find 100,000 marks in 20 minutes. RUN LOLA RUN (Is that an adult opposite DiCaprio, or a child? I'm a little freaked out that I can't tell.)

I wanted to post Star Wars (1978) battle of Yavin briefing, but I can't find a video on YouTube. Sigh. Instead, I'll post: Argo (2013) Screenplay by Chris Terrio http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrjKb0xy8SQ From the screenplay, available on: warnerbros2012.com/screenings/assets/argo.pdf? INT. STATE DEPARTMENT - SEVENTH FLOOR OFFICE - ANGLE - DAY A concept drawing from Argo. TURNER (O.S.) Aliens and robots. MENDEZ (O.S.) Yes, sir. ANOTHER ANGLE The four men are gathered in the back of Vance’s office, around a table. Over them we see the STATE DEPARTMENT EMBLEM. TURNER is looking at the storyboard. TURNER You’re telling me there’s a movie office in Hollywood right now that’s funded by the Central Intelligence Agency. MENDEZ Yes, sir. VANCE What’s wrong with the bikes again? Vance, with a copy of Comics Week. THE NEXT STAR WARS? Next to it, a photograph from the press event: Mendez holding a laser gun. CANADIAN EPIC WILL BE FILMED IN THE MIDDLE EAST. TURNER ... you think this -- O’DONNELL We tried to get the message upstairs -- TURNER -- this is more plausible than teachers? O’DONNELL One, there are no foreign teachers in Iran anymore -- MENDEZ -- two, we think everybody knows Hollywood people. And everybody thinks they would shoot during Stalingrad with Pol Pot directing if it’d sell tickets. (beat) There are only bad options. It’s about finding the best one. TURNER You don’t have a better bad idea than this? O’DONNELL This is the best bad idea we have, sir. By far. Vance and Turner exchange looks. TURNER (to Mendez) The United States government just sanctioned your science fiction movie.

And how about a scene that mocks those scenes? Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-PIidaqCyU Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTmXHvGZiSY Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce! Number Two: Prince Charles *did* have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced. Dr. Evil: Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info. Dr. Evil: Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom. Number Two: [pause] That also already has happened. Dr. Evil: Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Number Two: Don't you think we should ask for *more* than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year! Dr. Evil: Really? That's a lot of money. Okay then, we hold the world ransom for... One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS! Trivia: Mike Myers has revealed in interviews that the Austin Powers character was created based on a couple of instances involving his family. His father loved watching British comedies with actors like Peter Sellers and Alec Guinness, so Myers always wanted to play an English character in a comedy. He also said that one night after coming home from hockey practice, he started flirting with his wife in an English accent. His wife laughed and told him to write the routine down, so he could do it again. Writing the routine down led to this script.