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EXT. STARBUCKS-ALLEY - NIGHT Our foursome found a beautiful woman’s dead body in the alley. They are waiting for the police to arrive. Character #2 inches closer to the body. CHARACTER #1 Oh my God! Please don’t. Poor soul. CHARACTER #2 Calm yourself. I’m just checking to see if she’s getting stiff. CHARACTER #1 It’s bad enough this poor woman has suffered this indignity. Please don’t stare. CHARACTER #4 And don’t touch her! CHARACTER #2 Are we sure she’s a she? They all strain to judge for themselves. Character #3 joins Character #2 for an even closer look. CHARACTER #1 Look at her. She’s beautiful. And a child of God left like some piece of garbage in this alley. It’s horrible! CHARACTER #3 Look at his bag. That’s just not fair. Character #2 squats down at the body for an up-close inspection. CHARACTER #2 She has a huge Adam’s Apple. CHARACTER #4 Don’t touch her! That’s so creepy. Character #4 shivers with fright. CHARACTER #2 It’s Michael Kors! Holy shit. CHARACTER #3 My purses are all crap. That’s why I don’t even carry one half the time. Character #3 holds up her phone that has a case which holds her credit card and ID. CHARACTER #1 You two are going to hell. CHARACTER #2 Damn. CHARACTER #3 What? CHARACTER #2 Check out those boots. CHARACTER #3 Yeah, size 14? It’s just a waste. CHARACTER #1 You’re not appalled by the death of another human being but the fact that she has nicer accessories pisses you off? CHARACTER #2 It’s a man. CHARACTER #3 Did you mention anything about her having a bag when you called the cops? Character #4’s eyes grow wide. CHARACTER #4 Please don't. Please, please, please. You guys, I can't take this. CHARACTER #3 I’m just asking! CHARACTER #2 There’s really no reason why she’d mention it. No one calls the cops and says ‘yeah, we found a dead body and she’s wearing these great leather boots and has a killer Kors bag.’ CHARACTER #1 I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. And I’m going to pray for you both. CHARACTER #2 I don’t need your prayers. I’m not taking the boots. I was just saying. And they’d notice if she didn’t have shoes. Character #3 carefully lifts the purse from the dead woman’s hand. CHARACTER #3 It’s light as a feather. He only carries it for show. Bet there’s nothing but lipstick and eyeliner in here. CHARACTER #4 But his phone’s probably in it. You really shouldn’t even be so close you guys. What if she’s... he’s sick. What if someone killed her...or him and, this just feels really wrong. And dangerous. CHARACTER #2 She’s right. You don’t want your fingerprints on any of it and his DNA will be all over that makeup. Character #3 opens the bag, retrieves the phone carefully using her sleeve to ensure that her fingerprints will not be left. She places the phone next to the body then reconsiders, picks it up again and lets it drop from a distance. CHARACTER #2 (CONT’D) That ought to work. Character #1 does the sign of the cross and begins praying. Character #4 slowly makes her way further and further from the other women. She chews her nails and tries to catch her breath as she makes note of every light, every shadow in the alley. As the police car pulls into the alley, Character #3 drops her cell phone into the dead woman’s bag. She paints on her best wounded look and even manages to push a few tears down her face. CHARACTER #3 Officer! Thank god you’re here. This poor woman. I just....it's just the most horrible thing I've ever seen. We were just coming from coffee and...I have to sit down.

INT. DUPLEX - NIGHT 4 MID 20 SOMETHINGS stand around, as a DEAD BODY lies face down in the living room. CHARACTER 1 I think we can all agree calling the police is out of the question. CHARACTER 2 Definitely. CHARACTER 3 I’m still not certain he’s dead. CHARACTER 4 Well obviously one of us is going to have to check his pulse. Eyes turn in one direction. CHARACTER 2 What? CHARACTER 3 Are you serious? CHARACTER 2 Yes, I’m serious. CHARACTER 1 C’mon man. It's not like your prints aren't already on him. CHARACTER 2 Why would my prints be on him? CHARACTER 1 Because you...killed him? CHARACTER 2 (beat) What? CHARACTER 4 Didn’t you? CHARACTER 2 No! CHARACTER 3 Really? CHARACTER 2 Yes fucking really! CHARACTER 1 We’re all friends here, man. You can tell us the truth. CHARACTER 2 I didn’t kill him. Why the hell do guys think it was me, anyway? CHARACTER 4 Well...you do kind of have a temper. CHARACTER 2 Oh fuck your mother, man. It wasn’t me. I just got home. CHARACTER 1 What are we going to do about the body? CHARACTER 2 Hold up. Not to be a stickler, but I’m still a little curious which one of you killed the dead guy in our apartment. CHARACTER 3 We’re still not sure he’s dead. CHARACTER 2 We all agree it wasn’t me, right? CHARACTER 4 Guys, at this point, does it really matter which one of us killed him? CHARACTER 1 You know who would say that? The killer! CHARACTER 4 Oh screw you! If anyone it was you! CHARACTER 1 Me? CHARACTER 4 He was found in the living room, wasn’t he? CHARACTER 1 So, what? Just ‘cause I’m unemployed I spend all my time in living room?! CHARACTER 4 No, you spend all your time in the living room playing goddamn Madden ‘cause you’re a lazy bum. I bet you didn’t even look for a job today, did you? CHARACTER 1 I did! CHARACTER 4 Lemme see your browser history. CHARACTER 1 That’s none of your damn business! 4 moves towards 1’s laptop and 1 grabs it. CHARACTER 3 (O.S.) Yeah, he’s dead. They see 3 emerge from checking the pulse. CHARACTER 2 Ok, I got work early, so this is what we’re doing. We’ll wrap him in a giant rug, there’s that swampland like an hour north. We’ll sink him in there. CHARACTER 3 We don’t own a rug. CHARACTER 2 Goddamnit. Ya know, fuck it. Let’s just call the police then and let them sort this shit out. OTHER 3 Whoa! No! Not a good idea! CHARACTER 1 We can use my duvet. CHARACTER 2 Fine. Get the stupid duvet. 1 sets down his laptop and runs upstairs. CHARACTER 4 Where’s the swampland? CHARACTER 2 It’s like an hour north. Look it up. 4 opens up 1’s laptop. CHARACTER 4 Oh shit! And 1 arrives and sees him. CHARACTER 1 Ah, damn. CHARACTER 4 (reading in laptop) How do you get fingerprints off a dead body? CHARACTER 1 Alright! It was me! I met him at the coffee shop, we came back to play Madden, we called no onsides and then he nailed me with one to open the second half, and he started laughing, and...I guess I lost my cool. I’m really sorry guys. CHARACTER 4 (noticing in computer) Well...you did look for a job, so I’ll give you credit for that.

Int - public bathroom - night The door opens. A streetlight from a parking lot blares into the darkness as a skinny hand flips the light switch. Character #1 Hold on, man. Character #2 (pushes from behind) Come on, I gotta piss. Character #1 There's some chick passed out on the floor. Character #2 So? Character #3 (o.c.) Hurry up, I can't get caught again. Character #1 What do we do about her? Character #2 (pushes his way in) I don't care. Hay, wait, maybe she's got money! Character #3 (pushes his way in) I'll search her, you piss. (rifles her purse) come on, shit head, close the door. Cops notice shit like this. Character #1 I don't know. Character #3 Oh shit, look at her face. I think she OD'd Character #2 So, does she have anything in her purse? Character #1 (feels her neck) It's cold. Character #3 (feels her leg) She's dead. Check her pockets. Watch out for needles. Maybe she has some left. Character #1 Maybe that's what killed her. I'm not stupid. I want to be treated with respect. Character #3 I do, that's why I'm entrusting you with searching her pockets. (to #2) Are you going to piss or what. If not, break it out. Character #2 (to #1) Forget about her, gimme the spoon. Character #3 She only has 3 dollars. Character #1 Now your fingerprints are on her purse! Character #3 We'll put her in the dumpster. I'll give the purse to my girlfriend. Character #2 We gotta get outta here. Character #3 I thought you had to piss. Come on, no one's going to come here. KNOCK on the door Character #3 What's the secret password? Character #4 Two cops just entered the store. Character #3 (opens the door) Come on, let's get out of here. Character #1 Our fingerprints are all over the place! Character #3 I'm on probation, dipshit. Character #4 Who's she? Character #2 A dead chick. We gotta dump her in case the cops come. Character #4 Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, we have to tell the cops, tell them that we found her like this. Character #3 And what the fuck were we doing here in the first place? Let's jet. (to #1) Go return the key. Act like nothing happened. Character #4 We can't do this. Character #2 Both of you grab her legs, I got her arms. Character #4 (looking over his shoulder) Too late.

EXT. CREEK BEHIND MINI GOLF COURSE A pale, rotund corpse befouls the otherwise pleasant creek. The dead man wears only purple, paisley boxers. CHARACTER #1 uses her putter to probe the body. CHARACTER #1 Hmm. CHARACTER #2 Eww, stop! CHARACTER #3 It's just a body, love. Not unlike the ones we were dismembering in class earlier. CHARACTER #4 We need to call the police. Now CHARACTER #2 Um, but those bodies were dead. Character #1 kneels down to examine more closely. CHARACTER #1 Are you sure you want to be a doctor? CHARACTER #2 You know what I mean! They were, well, prepared as bodies. This guy just died. CHARACTER #1 I don't think he just died-- more like three to four days ago best I can tell. Character #3 kneels close to Character #1, their shoulders and legs touching. CHARACTER #3 Three days. CHARACTER #1 Oh yeah, smartass? Character #4 looks around nervously. CHARACTER #4 I'm calling the police now. This is a crime scene, you should probably stop contaminating it. He walks a few paces away as he dials. CHARACTER #1 I don't think he was murdered. CHARACTER #3 No visible contusions or hematoma. No apparent breakages. But there are plenty of other ways to commit murder. CHARACTER #2 Stop. Gross. Let's go. She walks up, trying not to step in any mud, and grabs Character #3 by the hand but he doesn't budge. Character #1 is using the putter to roll the body on it's side but it slips-- SQUISH. CHARACTER #2 (CONT'D) AAAAAaaaahhhh! You bitch! She starts to wipe the mixture of water and corpse juice off her Tory Burch shoes, then panics realizing she touched it. She flings her hands like a sad child. Character #3 isn't doing anything to disarm the situation, he grabs the putter from Character #1, their hands linger for a moment before parting. He pries the body up again. CHARACTER #3 (to himself) What was that? CHARACTER #1 Expensive taste can be so high maintenance. Maybe it's not really worth all the headache. She gently runs her hand along Character #3's back, resting it on his shoulder. Character #2's panic turns into rage at the sight. Her shaking hands clench. CHARACTER #2 That's enough! Hearing the commotion and finishing his call, Character #4 climbs back down the sloping creek. CHARACTER #4 Let's just calm down. This is a tense situation already, no need to get worked up over jealousy issues. CHARACTER #1 Always taking sides. CHARACTER #4 What? No, I-- Character #3 is not listening at all, something he sees on body captures his attention. He holds it up with one hand, waving the club blindly behind him. CHARACTER #3 Honey, hold this for me for a sec, I need to get a better look-- She grips the club handle tightly. CHARACTER #1 Speaking of pretty things, how much did those cost your Daddy? CHARACTER #2 You-- CHARACTER #1 Did you have to let anyone play with them to get into med-school? CHARACTER #2 filthy-- CHARACTER #1 Or did Daddy just pay for that too? CHARACTER #2 --slut! Character #3 drops the body and reels back in shock from something he sees, splashing sludge all over Character #2's shoes and skirt. Her knuckles turn white as she grips the club with both hands. CHARACTER #3 Shit! He's got some freaky infec-- But his last word is cut off by a horrific, wet CRUNCH as the putter sinks a hole into Character #1's skull. She drops to the ground twitching. Character #3 is still reeling from his discovery. He barely has time to turn before another CRUNCH ends his life. Character #2 drops the club, steps over to Character 1#'s body and rips off a piece of her skirt, uses it to wipe the blood and mud off her shoes until they look clean. She smiles. Neon yellow of the club head starts to show through red blood as the gently flowing creek washes over. Sirens grow in the background. Character #2 is dialing his phone. CHARACTER #2 I knew I picked the wrong lab group.

Hopefully I am still in time for DAY#1! ***************************************** EXT. MEADOW - DAY A glorious summer's day. Three girls, one pair of twins, and a chubby boy, lie in on their backs in a field of green, punctuated with bursts of yellow cowslips. Butterflies and birds swirl in the air. A perfect day. The scene is disturbed by the sound of a loud and aggressive fart. GIRL Ewww, what the hell? The boy tries to hide his giggling. TWIN#1 Damn, that stinks. TWIN#2 I told you... I still don't know why you bought him. BOY Because I know where to find it. TWIN#2 You could have just told us. I wouldn't have minded if you had stayed at home. TWIN#1 Mom would have had a fit, you know, "He is a guest young lady... what would your aunt say?" TWIN#2 Good riddance? Why do you think she sent him out here? GIRL Well, we're here now, so what next? BOY We go get it. GIRL And then what? TWIN#1 Bury it. I think that is the best thing. Give the poor thing a nice burial. TWIN#2 A nice burial? It's a skunk for chrissakes? Why would we want to give it a nice burial? TWIN#1 Because it was once a living thing? TWIN#2 But it also made a living out of smelling like crap! Much like fatso here. BOY Hey, watch it, I'll tell your mum -- and I won't tell you were to find it. GIRL Sometimes I just can't believe you two are twins. TWIN#2 Neither can I! TWIN#1 So what would you do with it. TWIN#2 Scoop it up and chuck in old man Weather's porch. He would have kittens! BOY (blurting) Show and tell! GIRL Eh? BOY I'd take it to school... show and tell. GIRL Seriously? BOY Yeah, why not. It's interesting. TWIN#2 Why not? Because it is a stinky dead animal and everyone will think you are weirder than they already do. BOY I'm going home. TWIN#1 Don't go, ignore my sister... she has issues. TWIN#2 You don't know the half of it sister! They smile at each other. This is an old dance. GIRL I think we should just leave it alone, let nature take it's course. TWIN#2 And what if nature is a fox ripping it apart? GIRL Nice image, but if that is what God intended. TWIN#2 Oh hell, why does God always have to have a hand in what we do. GIRL Because he has a hand in everything, and you know it. TWIN#1 Don't get her started... TWIN#2 ... get me started? You know she always brings this up to wind me up! TWIN#1 Then don't get wound up. Ignore her. TWIN#2 Easier said than done. Hey! Fatso, maybe you could stand in front of her... distract me. BOY Shut up cow! TWIN#2 You what? She balls her fists up and starts towards BOY. GIRL Stop it... now! She moves up next to BOY and holds his hand. GIRL You need to calm down... things always end up with you shouting. TWIN#2 (looks awkward) Yeah, well... whatever... we going to find this body or what? TWIN#1 That's why we're here. TWIN#2 Okay, let's go. Lead on Fa... Fa....fab...fabulous...yeah... c'mon. BOY looks at GIRL and smiles. She smiles back and doesn't let go of his hand. His face beams. BOY Okay, this way. Birds and butterflies swirl in the air and a light breeze makes the cowslips dance as four figures weave through the grass, laughing and skipping as they go.

Character 1 (Shaking Character 2 by the collar) What the hell you done, you ch***bodybuilder! You ten-stone bloody idiot! Character 2 (splutters) Boss boss boss… Character 1 The ACP’s son. The bloody honorable Assistant Commissioner of Police, the bloody Metropolitan Precinct of Mumbai’s only bloody son…you The Ended him. Fantastic! Character 2 Boss boss boss … but what did I do? Character 1 (slaps him once. shakes him by the shoulder) You village ruffian! You finished him, *khaalaas* (makes throat-cutting motion)… Character 2 Boss boss I didn’t touch him, God promise Mother promise… he was sitting quietly watching TV and then he began to shake… ask him Character 4 (drug stupor) Such a sweet child…ba ba black sheep Character 1 Shut up you *charsi* , you joker! To shake? What shake? Character 2 Like.. .like a spinning top, on and on… his eyes rolled like a ghost.. and and and Character 1 And? Character 2 (weeps, squeaky voice) He stretched out like a board and then… Character 1 (angry, exaggerated patience) And then, my child? Character 2 Jumped a foot in the air Character 1 A whole foot Character 2 Fell with a thud so loud so loud… it sounded like a Diwali bomb Character 4 Boom! Diwali bomb… booom! Character 1 (slaps character 4, grabs character 2 again) You village idiot, you killed the bloody ACP’s son and you think of Diwali!He’ll string you up like Diwali lights when he grabs you, *saala* gone case Character 2 (falls to his knees) Boss boss boss… Character 3 (leans back in his chair,takes a deep puff on his cigarette) Cool down, both of you. Next steps. This one’s big. They have the ransom note. They have the TV footage. Next steps. This one’s big.

EXT. UPSCALE WALLED COMMUNITY - DAY Matching houses, manicured lawns, expensive cars in open garages: it's Stepford for old rich people. Four CHARACTERS peer down at a body-sized lump wrapped in a black garbage bag on top of a bed of petunias next to the entrance gate (inside the compound). CHARACTER 1: Well I didn't put it there. CHARACTER 2: No one's saying you put it there-- CHARACTER 1: You're damn right I didn't. CHARACTER 3: Shouldn't we call somebody? CHARACTER 4: Who? Lost and found? (laughs) CHARACTER 1: I'm calling the head of the Homeowner's Association. I don't pay my monthly fees to have to put up with this-- CHARACTER 2: Of course you don't, dear. CHARACTER 1: Did you shush me? Did [Character 2] just shush me? CHARACTER 4: (mimes calling on a telephone) Hello? City Morgue? Can you put me through to Lost and Found? (cracks up) CHARACTER 3: I really think we should call somebody... CHARACTER 2: On my programs, it's always the person who finds the body. CHARACTER 1: I found the body. Are you saying I did it? CHARACTER 3: No one's saying you did it. CHARACTER 2: Everyone knows you have a bad back. CHARACTER 3: My kid got me this eye-phone thing... does anyone know how to use it? CHARACTER 4: (still miming a telephone call) Digger O'Doyle's. You stab 'em, we slab 'em. (cracks up again) CHARACTER 1: Hey, wiseguy, are you saying I stabbed this guy? CHARACTER 2 & CHARACTER 3: Everyone knows you have a bad back. CHARACTER 1: Well I didn't stab the guy and it's not my problem. CHARACTER 2: That's right, dear. CHARACTER 3: We could always leave it for the gardeners... CHARACTER 1: Now *that's* what I pay my Association fees for! Character 1 claps Character 3 on the back. As they trail off to the gazebo, Character 4 is still laughing at his own joke. Behind them, the bag shifts and emits a GROAN.

PITCH BLACK A GRUNT followed by the slide and drop of a wood beam hitting solid ground. CHARACTER #1 (OS) Hey. Hey, you guys alright? More RUSTLING and debris shifting. CHARACTER #1 (OS) Honey? Baby, you guys okay? CHARACTER #2 (OS) What the heck was that? CHARACTER #1 (OS) Hey, we gotta find the others. Honey? CHARACTER #2 (OS) I can't see a damn thing, man. I'm all wet. Where is this water coming from? CHARACTER #1 (OS) Shh. Who's that? CHARACTER #3 (OS) It's me. Is that you? CHARACTER #1 (OS) Yeah. CHARACTER #2 (OS) Something fell on me guys. CHARACTER #1 (OS) Guys, I can't find my wife or kid. The dim light of a cell phone illuminates the room. INT. LIVING ROOM The place is practically turned upside down. Character #1, holding the phone, is against a wall. Above him, a huge gouge, ripped right through the wall like a giant skill saw tore into the drywall and two by fours. Character #3, battered and bruised, leans next to him. CHARACTER #3 They were right next to us just before... The painful SCREECH of metal scraping fill the room. CHARACTER #2 ...what the hell was that? CHARACTER #3 Oh crap, it's coming back. Character #1's phone times out. BLACK. A weak cough. The light comes back on. Character #1 scurries across rubble to CHARACTER #4 CHARACTER #1 I got you. I got you, little guy. Character #4 coughs some more, hold his dad. CHARACTER# 3 Guys. It's gonna come back. SSSSCREEEECH! CHARACTER #4 What is it? CHARACTER #1 I have no idea, but we're going to find you mother and get out of here. CHARACTER #2 Guys, can you get over here? I can't move. I keep slipping on this water and I think my leg is broken or something. The three make it across the wreckage of what used to be a home and freeze in shock. The phone light cuts off again. CHARACTER #3 (OS) Oh, Jesus! CHARACTER #1 (OS) NO! CHARACTER #4 (OS) Is that... CHARACTER #3 (OS) Oh God. Oh God. I'm so sorry. CHARACTER #2 (OS) What? What is it? CHARACTER #3 (OS) Don't turn that back on. CHARACTER #2 (OS) WHAT! CHARACTER #3 (OS) We have to get out of here. CHARACTER #2 (OS) Gimme me some light. CHARACTER #1 (OS) We can't go out there. SCREEEECH. CHARACTER #3 (OS) We can get to the car. CHARACTER #1 (OS) I'm not leaving her. CHARACTER #4 (OS) Is she going to be alright? CHARACTER #1 (OS) She's just a little hurt. CHARACTER #2 (OS) There you are. Dude, you're all wet, too? Where's my damn phone? Here wait a minute. CHARACTER #1 (OS) Don't, that's not... CHARACTER #3 turns on his cell phone lighting up his blood-speckled face. He turns the phone to see the others, but lights up a woman's body, shredded by the same evil that ripped the wall, lying on top of his twisted leg. He looks down and the blood bath he is drenched in. He FREAKS OUT! BOOM! BLACK. CHARACTER #3 (OS) (whispering) Keep the lights out and keep quiet. We can sneak out to the garage and make a run for it. CHARACTER #2 (OS) You guys got to get her off me! CHARACTER #4 CRIES. CHARACTER #1 (OS) Don't. Shh. Stay here, I got you. CHARACTER #2 (OS) You gotta help me. I stay like this. CHARACTER #3 (OS) Quiet. Here. Let me get you...yeah. Okay, hold on. A body SLIDES across the hardwood floor. CHARACTER #3 (OS) Come on. We can do this. CHARACTER #1 (OS) I'm not leaving her. CHARACTER #2 (OS) You can't stay either. BOOM. BOOM. Character #1 turns his phone back on to the other three. PHONE: A happy family picture gets blocked by the words: LOW BATTERY CHARACTER #1 Listen. You can go, and you should. Buddy, you need to help get uncle to the car. CHARACTER #4 But... CHARACTER #1 No, just listen. CHARACTER #3 We can all make it. CHARACTER #1 (looking toward his dead wife) Not all of us. He grabs his son by the back of his neck, brings him in close. CHARACTER #1 Go. They will take care of you. I have to take care of your mom. CHARACTER #3 Bring her. CHARACTER #1 I'll just slow us down. Now, go. I'll distract it for you. GO! His phone light cuts out. CHARACTER #2 turns his phone on. He wraps his arm around the shoulder of Character #3. Character #4 follows, turns to see Character #1 fade into the darkness toward his wife. BLACK. Character #1 shuffles and slides the rest of the way across the room. SCREEECH. THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! He bangs a broken piece of wood again the wall. Boom...Boom...BOOM! The beast approaches rapidly. Character #1 turns his phone back on, his face close to his wife's. The LOW BATTERY warning comes on again. He kisses her. BLACK. CHARACTER #1 (OS) COME ON, MOTHERFUCKER! BOOM! BOOM! SCREEEEECH!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT Football players huddle around a PLAYER laid flat out somewhere around midfield. Character 1 storms over and muscles his way to the front. CHARACTER 1 Back up! Come on now. Get the hell outta’ the way. CHARACTER 2 closes the eyes of the PLAYER while Character 3 drapes himself over the body and weeps. CHARACTER 2 He’s gone, Coach. CHARACTER 1 Well bring him back! CHARACTER 2 It’s too late. CHARACTER 3 DJ. Wake up, man. Stop playing, fool. Character 4 closes his eyes and clasps his hands in prayer. CHARACTER 4 Lord Jesus, we ask you take this boy into heaven. He’s a good boy. He’s our teammate. Our linebacker-- CHARACTER 3 Coach, we gotta get an ambulance or something. This ain’t right. CHARACTER 1 I know, son. We’ll see to it. CHARACTER 4 ... He never did anything wrong sure as I know. He mighta’ missed a few tackles but he always tried real hard... CHARACTER 2 I’ll get the stretcher over. Someone needs to alert the referee. CHARACTER 1 Now hold on now. CHARACTER 4 ...Take care of his momma. Give her the strength to get through this... CHARACTER 3 Aw shit. Momma Hawkins. She’s gonna die man. How we gonna tell her? CHARACTER 1 Hey! Eyes on me. All of y’all. I want you to think about something just a minute. Preach. You look up at the scoreboard over there and tell me who’s winning. CHARACTER 4 We are, Coach. Seventeen to twenty. CHARACTER 1 That’s right. Now Ray, you tell me how long’s left on the clock? CHARACTER 3 Who cares, coach. DJ’s dead-- CHARACTER 1 Just humor me. CHARACTER 3 Fifty nine seconds. CHARACTER 1 Fifty nine seconds. We’re less than a minute away from winning State. You believe that? CHARACTER 3 I don’t care about that shit, man. CHARACTER 1 DJ did. DJ wanted nothing more than to win state. Told me himself. Now if we go let everyone know what happened here they’re gonna stop the game. Call it off. And everything we did here tonight, everything DJ did... well it’s all gonna be for nothing. You think he woulda’ wanted that? CHARACTER 3 That’s cold, Coach. CHARACTER 1 Preach, what do you think? CHARACTER 4 DJ did love football. He probably would have wanted to win. CHARACTER 1 That’s right. So why don’t we all go ahead and take care of the next fifty nine seconds in his memory. CHARACTER 2 I won’t lie, Coach. CHARACTER 1 No one’s asking you to lie, Doc. You just escort DJ to the locker room and by the time you figure out how to tell his Momma what happened we’ll be state champs and DJ’ll get a heroes parade back home. Character 1 lets everyone absorb the idea then waves the STRETCHER CREW over. CHARACTER 3 Shit, Coach... I can’t do it. CHARACTER 1 Come on now, son. We live as a team and we die as team. Let’s go. Character 1 rattles Character 3’s helmet and marches back to the sidelines.

EXT. WOODS – MORNING. A: God, I can’t believe this is happening! Is it gone yet? B: No. We’re all still here, so yeah no. Still here. Not gone as yet. C: The lake is right there. I mean, shit. Problem. Ba-dum-bump: fucking solution. D: Ba-dum-bump? Seriously? C (to B): He’s not a big guy. We could carry him over easy. He’s probably even dehydrated some. A: Eww. You guys, if you’re gonna start describing him it kinda defeats the purpose of me not looking. C: It’s perfectly natural! As a grape become a raisin. And milk becomes cheese. D: Mmm. C: Er, whipped cream. D: Nope. C: And beef becomes jerky. D: There ya go. Character A groans, gags. B: Not an ideal time to talk about food, maybe. C: Right. Sorry. B: Underground is better. C: But that’s so much work. D: Typical. See what I put up with? C: What? We’re on vacation. D: Always some excuse. Always thinking of yourself. Can’t do this one thing for your brother. Can’t lift one bloody finger for me when I’ve been carrying your baby for 7 freakin’ months. And let me tell you, it’s a big damn baby. C: I can see that. Character D savagely gurgle-hawks. C: I mean, you’re beautiful with child. A: Glowing – so pretty! (Beat.) B: Yes. C: What you don’t know, peach bottom – I was planning it to be a surprise – is that the nursery is being finished right now. Everything just like you want: lavender walls, rocking horse stencil shit, that zebra mobile you saw on “16 and Pregnant.” Who’s your baby-daddy? D: Really? You were listening. (Pause.) Who’s doing it? What is it costing? C: Nothing! Compliments of the proud grandparents. Character D reaches to embrace Character C but then hesitates. D: Yours or mine? C: Yours. D: That’s so sweet, baby! Character C and Character D kiss. B: I’m going to get the shovel from the lodge. A: Wait, wait. Can’t we just enjoy this for a minute? I mean, this is our first perfect moment during our first family vacation. (Pause.) Well, not perfect. Definitely it’s less than ideal, but this is a nice moment. Among the living persons here. C: Respectful. B: Something gnawed off three of his fingers. A: There will be other moments.

EXT. DEEP NORTHERN MIDWEST WOODS — LATE AFTERNOON, NOVEMBER CHARACTER #1 (looking down) Damn it. Just my frigging luck. (beat) Bob! CHARACTER #2 (approaching) Yeah! Did you find it? CHARACTER #1 Hell no. I found some fresh blood trail and then this. (gestures toward man’s body lying on ground) CHARACTER #2 Shit. CHARACTER #3 (approaching) Jeff! I found it! It’s about 150 yards that— (stops abruptly) Shit, is that what I think it is? CHARACTER #1 (slings gun on his back) Well it ain’t no goddamn deer. CHARACTER #3 (yelling) Jimmy! Come over here! Hurry! CHARACTER #2 I don’t think this guy here is in a hurry, Ken. (gestures toward ground, laughs) CHARACTER#1 Have some respect, asshole. Hey, you live closest to this place. You recognize this guy at all? CHARACTER #3 (peers more closely at corpse's face) Nah. Probably had a heart attack. I don’t see any blood. Looks like he just fell over. CHARACTER #4 (approaching) Hey! Didja find it? (beat) Oh hell. (beat) A trespasser, eh? CHARACTER #1 I’m sure that’s what he was thinking just before he kicked over. (gestures making quote signs) Ugh, I’m trespassing! CHARACTER #2 (pulls out cell phone) Shit, I don’t have any signal. You guys won’t have any either. Now what what are we going to do? CHARACTER #3 (pulls out GPS device) Damn it, this some bitch isn’t working again, either. I don’t know where we are exactly, can't get coordinates. CHARACTER #4 I told you you shouldn’t have spent your money on that POS. But no, you never— CHARACTER #2 Stop, you two. We’ve already heard that argument. Jesus, It’s like listening to my kids. (beat) We’re going to have to carry this guy out of here. CHARACTER #1 What? No fuckin’ way! I gotta’ go clean my deer and carry that out. This guy isn’t going anywhere. (gestures toward body) CHARACTER #2 C’mon, it’s the right thing to do. If it was you lying here you wouldn’t want to get left here in the woods. CHARACTER #1 Hell no, I’d expect you assholes to get my deer out of the woods before somebody comes along and steals it! I didn’t spend a shit ton of money on a license, ammo, and gas to come up with nothin’ to show for it. CHARACTER #3 (laughs) Ha! I’ll remember that if we ever find your carcass in the woods. I’m not carrying this guy anyhow. Not even gonna’ touch him. CHARACTER #4 (snorts) Me neither. Shit, what if this guy didn’t kick from a heart attack? What if this is a crime scene? Like what if his wife poisoned him or something? CHARACTER #3 Jesus, you are so full of shit. Look at him. He’s all pasty like a heart attack victim. CHARACTER #2 Do you know what a poisoning victim looks like? Or a dead guy, for that matter? He ain’t in the pink of health, got it? CHARACTER #1 C’mon, let’s get my deer. This guy can wait. CHARACTER #3 Yeah, I’d rather help drag a deer outta here than a corpse. Ugh. CHARACTER #2 (shaking his head) Still don’t think we’re doing the right thing. He oughta— CHARACTER #1 Look, if I hadn’t nearly tripped over this guy, he’d have been here for a while. A long while. We don’t even know how long he’s been here. CHARACTER #4 (peering more closely at body) Yeah, coulda’ been here for a day, since opening yesterday morning from the looks of him. CHARACTER #2 But— CHARACTER #1 No, no buts. We get my deer, we back to the truck, then we call for help. We get outta’ here before we lose anymore light and we get stuck out here stumblin’ around in the dark. CHARACTER #3 Oh hell no, no way am I going to be stuck out here with a dead body in the dark. Christ, what if his ghost shows up? CHARACTER #4 Ghost? Jesus but you’re a chicken shit! (laughs) CHARACTER #1 Can it. We’re out of here. This guy is better off because we found him, even if we don’t drag him back now. Which way was my deer? CHARACTER #3 That way, ‘bout 150 yards. (waves toward distance) CHARACTER #1 Thanks. Now let’s get a move on. (Heads bowed, they stand in silence for a moment, before slowly moving away in direction of deer.)

Sorry to all if this runs a bit deep and is heavy. Promise the rest of the week will be shorter. INT- Red Apple Motel – 11:30 p.m. Character 1 Lights a cigarette. Character 3: Should you be doing that? The sign on the door- Character 1 shoots a nasty look towards character 3. Character 1: Lets weigh the problems, this (holds up cigarette) or that (uses the cigarette points to a ajar bedroom door.) How did you know him? Character 2: I sent him a “wink” online through the dating site. Character 3: A what? Character 2: A wink. It means I’m …interested. Character 3: What were you interested in? Character 2: Not this! We’re on the couch for twenty minutes, small talk, wine, a little flirting, and then we talk about getting into something comfortable. I go into the bathroom and put on this and I saw him go into the bedroom. Then I get pissed you know? I spend $80 on this and nothing, he’s in no hurry to see me, damn it, and I look hot, don’t I? Character 3: What happened next? Character 2: I finish my wine, then go and then open the mini bar. Character 2 points to an empty wine glass and toy sized southern comforts strewn on the floor. Character 2: I’m going to go in there and let him know what’s what. So I open the door, and- Character 2 is overcome and starts to cry. Character four enters and observes the room. Character 4: Jesus. Character 2 (cont’d): Oh good, you’re here. Character 2 steps around the carpet and characters 1 and 3, gets to Character 4 and gives a hug. Character 1: Who called you and why? Character 2 (interrupting): I needed somebody. Character 1: We’re all somebody. What we don’t need right now is somebody else. Something like this is on a need to know basis, as in nobody else needs to know. Character 3: Ok, so you went in, and did you touch him? Character 2: No, I’d never seen anything like that before. I came back here and called you. All of you (indicates the other 3 characters). Character 2 starts hiccup/crying again. Character 1: In what order? Character 3: That doesn’t matter. Character 1: The hell it doesn’t. Character 2, through the tears points in order, character 4,3,1. Character 1 (coldly): Interesting. Character 4: So we leave him here and just leave, right out the back door. Call the police, and everything’s ok. Character 1: Yes of course! Character 4: Really? Character 1: No, none of this needs to reported, we saw nothing, and we were never here. Character 3: (Character 1) is right. This can’t happen to (Character 2) now. People can’t find out about this. Character 1: Then what do we do? Shit, we shouldn’t even be here! Character 2: I didn’t want to hurt anybody; I don’t want to hurt anybody. This just happened. Character 3: You two, shut up. Characters 1 and 2 compose themselves. Character 1 takes a nervous drag from the cigarette, the hiccup cries of Character 2 slow down. Character 1: We can torch the place. Leaves no evidence. Character 3: We’d be suspected murders and actual arsonists. The other characters stare at character 1. Character 4: The “call the police” route isn’t looking so bad now. Character 2: I’m going to jail. Character 3: Did he pay using credit card? Character 2: I don’t think so, He just put money through a slot at the office and picked up the key, he said he paid for the night. Character 3: Ok, does anyone have a knife? The other three look around at each other. Character 3: Nail file? Any sharp object? Character 2: I have a wine opener. Character 2 points to the table. Character 3 grabs a Kleenex from their pocket and picks up the opener. Character 3 walks towards the ajar door. Character 3 pulls open the door using the curly end of the opener. INT: Bedroom Characters 1-3 walk towards the center of the room. The bed is unmade but there’s nobody in it. All three of them are looking up. Character 4 from the doorway gasps. A man hangs from the ceiling fan, belt around his neck. A slight pooling of blood underneath pointed toes. A chair is lying on its side nearby. Character 3 sets up the chair calmly. Regaining composure, Character 2 takes the wine opener. Character 2: I’ll do it. Character 2 climbs the chair, reaches up and starts to gouge at the belt. Character 2: I need more light. Without thinking, character 4 turns on the light, putting the body in full view. Everyone jumps. Character 1 chokes on the cigarette, then stomps any ashes that might’ve fallen from the end. Character 3: Ok, we pick up everything, anything you brought in, it comes out with us. We need to get into the maid’s closet, then vacuum down this room, we do it in short shifts through the night. Character 2 is working the corkscrew a little faster, the belt is tearing. Character 3 (cont’d): there’s no fluid, we take the body, and we dress it and move it. His neck is going to be scarred. Conceal it as best we can. Character 2 is working the screw harder. BOOM. In one motion the belt breaks and the body falls forward and lands on top of Character Two. All three rush over and lift the body. Character two sits up, the three other characters look on with mouths agape. Character 2 is cut and blood from the body and character 2 are on the floor. The small pool is now two or three small pools. Character 3: And now, we need bleach.

INT. LOFT APARTMENT LIVING ROOM CHARACTER 1 and CHARACTER 2 stand over the body of a middle aged man with a 10-inch cook’s knife in his chest, as someone bangs loudly on the front door. CHARACTER 1 opens the door, as CHARACTER 3 and CHARACTER 4 hastily rush in. CHARACTER 3 Damn! You tell us to rush over, then you have us waiting outside for 10 minutes! CHARACTER 4 (notices the body on the floor) Well this is definitely putting a damper on my dinner plans! CHARACTER 1 Why do you always have to make everything about you! Don’t you see a fucking dead man lying on the floor?! Try thinking about someone else for once! CHARACTER 2 We shoulda been called the police! CHARACTER 1 You know what – CHARACTER 3 Fuck the police! Race relations hasn’t come that damn far in this country that you can call the police and tell them a dead white man’s lying stabbed in the chest in the middle of Harlem and somebody ain’t getting fried for it! CHARACTER 1 She’s been talking this “call the police” crap since we came home! CHARACTER 4 Hell, calling the police makes more sense than calling me! I’m an Assistant District Attorney! I can’t believe you’d put my career in jeopardy by inviting me here! CHARACTER 1 You know you – CHARACTER 3 Y’all spending way too much time jawing about shit that ain’t important! What we need to figure out is what are we gonna do! CHARACTER 4 “WE?!” Since when is there a “we”?! When did you start speaking French?! CHARACTER 3 WE need to figure out what to do with this man and fast! The sun will be up in no time! CHARACTER 4 “The sun will be up?”, it’s 9PM! What kind of plans are you thinking about? CHARACTER 1 Can we just focus please?! CHARACTER 4 Yes, let’s focus on why I’m here. I didn’t go to law school and clerk for one of the most well-respected federal jud— CHARACTER 3 A’ight, we don’t need your resume! Did we ask why you came to us when you needed an alibi that night that homeless man got sideswiped in a Beamer that looked an awful lot like the one your dad gave you when you got accepted into law school? Did we tell the cops we hadn’t seen your ass in nearly three months before you came into our dorm room frantic and crying about how your life was over because some “transient couldn’t walk closer to the curb”? Did we say anything when Delbert Dennis was charged with grand larceny and vehicular homicide and sentenced to 8 years in prison? CHARACTER 1 Again, DEAD PERSON ON THE FLOOR PEOPLE! Let’s focus on what matters most right now, shall we?! CHARACTER 2 I don’t understand why we just can’t call the police and tell them the truth! CHARACTER 3 What is the truth? Please tell me! ‘Cause I’ve known you for 14 years and even I don’t believe that you just happened to come home and find a man stabbed in your apartment. Point blank in the chest, with no signs of a struggle, and no signs of forced entry. Who is he? How did he get here? How did whoever stabbed him get in and out without anybody noticing it? CHARACTER 2 I know him… CHARACTER 1 Wait, you said you didn’t – CHARACTER 2 I mean, I don’t “know him” know him, but I know him from seeing him at the coffee shop down the street. I think he owns or manages it. He seemed like a nice guy. CHARACTER 4 Ok, so how does a “nice guy” end up stabbed to death in some strange lesbians’ apartment? CHARACTER 1 Ok, first off, I’m not strange – CHARACTER 3 Didn’t you say focus? How he got here, and why he’s here is besides the point. If we’re not calling the cops, then we gotta figure out what we’re going to do. CHARACTER 2 I just… I just can’t (cries) (CHARACTER 1 comes over to comfort) CHARACTER 1 Alright, how about we fill the tub with lye, and put the body in it until it dissolves. CHARACTER 3 Does this look like a fucking episode of ‘Breaking Bad’ to you? Plus, I don’t even think they used lye, they used ammonium fluoride — CHARACTER 4 No, they used hydrofluoric acid, but it’s a moot point because trying to pull off something like that would be a forensics nightmare! We need to do something plausible, and something that won’t come back to you two or the fact that this guy was in this apartment. CHARACTER 3 Aside from the fact that it would be ridiculous to use “hydrofluoric acid” to dissolve the body, I think it is a good idea to get rid of it! CHARACTER 1 Get rid of it how?! CHARACTER 3 Take the knife out; drag the body out into the hallway, away from this apartment, and then leave it there until someone else finds it! CHARACTER 2 Can we stop calling him “it”, it’s so disrespectful! CHARACTER 3 You know what: “He”, “she”, “it”, “we”! Who gives a fuck?! Why don’t you try being solution-oriented and help us figure this shit out! CHARACTER 2 Well I’m sorry if I’m not as well-versed in disposing of dead bodies as some other folks! CHARACTER 4 Alright, here’s how we do this – CHARACTER 3 (snidely) Well I knew you’d have the solution… CHARACTER 4 You know what, let’s just go with your half-assed scheme, pull the knife out, and leave the body in the hallway so that this’ll be the FIRST door the cops knock on when they get here! CHARACTER 3 You know, just because you went to law school, it doesn’t mean you’re always the smartest person for everything, you – CHARACTER 1 Dammit, can y’all put your personal bullshit aside for 5 minutes so we can figure this shit out! You’re more than welcomed to continue this feud AFTER we get rid of this body! CHARACTER 4 As I was saying… There are what, 20 floors in this building? And we’re on the 9th floor, so why don’t we pull the knife out of his chest, drag him to the stairwell, and throw him down the stairs. Then, pour scotch on him and people will think he’s just a passed out drunk, sleeping it off! (CHARACTER 2 whimpers out loud and is again comforted by CHARACTER 1) CHARACTER 4 Now wait, here me out. Look at the floor…there’s hardly any blood. As long as we don’t get it all over the place, we can get him to the stairwell, fake a tumble down the stairs, and by the time someone finds him, realizes he’s dead AND that he’s been stabbed, it’ll be way too late to look for evidence. I bet nobody in a 20-floor apartment building ever thinks to take the stairs! Especially if they live above the 5th floor! Wait, are there cameras in this building? CHARACTER 1 Not in the stairwells or hallways… CHARACTER 4 Great! This is perfect! CHARACTER 3 It’s not “perfect”, but it’s as good as we’re going to get at this stage! So, how are we going to get the body out of here? CHARACTER 4 Easy, we wrap him in a blanket, and everybody grab a section. It’s no different than moving a rug! (CHARACTER 2 whimpers loudly again) CHARACTER 3 (to CHARACTER 2) Get it together! CHARACTER 1 But wait, won’t the cops still come to our apartment, if he’s found in the stairwell closest to our floor?! CHARACTER 4 That’s why we’re going to take him down to the 7th floor, and drop him down the stairs to the 6th! CHARACTER 1 (chuckling) I almost hate to admit it, but that is a good plan! CHARACTER 2 It’s a good plan to take a dead man, throw him down 2 flights of stairs and pour scotch on him? What kind of people are you? CHARACTER 3 Look, you keep taking this “high moral road", and I’m gonna take the knife outta his chest and stab you with it! (Awkward silence) CHARACTER 4 Ok, someone get the blanket, and someone get the scotch! Let’s do this!

sorry Scott mixup with character names resubmitting, erase the last one: A human shell of flesh and bones lies sprawled on a dirty bathroom floor, still bleeding, torn open and crawling insipidly with cockroaches. CHARACTER #1:?Eewwww gross, dude!!! I thought rich guys had blue blood flowing in their veins — CHARACTER #2:?Damn it! We were so close! After all that fussing, his bloomin’ dna doesn’t match! CHARACTER #3 (beatboxes)?Yeahh! He’s a ‘BROtha from anotha motha’… CHARACTER#4 (panicked):?HUSH, you neanderthals! CHARACTER #3:?Sorry, man — just making light of a dire (beat box) sitch-situation-sitch… CHARACTER #2:?Great. Brilliant! Million dollars gone, a dead guy – and a bad beat boxer… that’s all we need. Maybe we should bury him too! CHARACTER #3:?Haaa – good joke, man! Good joke!…. You are joking right? CHARACTER #1:?No wait dude! I have a better one – CHARACTER #2 (rolls eyes, sighs):?I am surrounded by idiots. CHARACTER #1:?Ah, dude! Look! ‘Mr. Serious Rumbamuffala’ quoted from the Lion King… CHARACTER #3:?So ‘Scaar’!…Rowww! Puts up his paws while CHARACTER #1 ROARS. CHARACTER #2(sharply):?QUIET! I hear something. CHARACTER #1:?Whazzat? FOOTSTEPS. CHARACTER #2(sweatily):?Shit!!! Someone’s coming! Shit shit shit shit shit…. CHARACTER #3 (to #1, grinning)?Hey man! ‘Proper’ ere just got all white and cussy! O – M – CHARACTER #3 and CHARACTER #1?(loudly together)?— GGGGGGGGGGG!!! Then someone YELLS from outside. CHARACTER #3 (gasps):?Shit shit shit shit shit shit!!!!! CHARACTER #1 (panicky):?What do we do? Where do we go? CHARACTER #2:?The shower!! Hurry! They all squeeze into stall, just as the door swings open, revealing — CHARACTER #1: Aw dude! Soo cute!!! CHARACTER #3 (prods #2):?And you were scared! CHARACTER #1:?It’s soo lee-tle! Character 4 (turns):?RAAAAAAWWRRRRR! Character 4 has FANGS… with BLOOD. CHARACTER #1 (yells): ?Mommmyyyy! Character 1, 2, 3:?AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

INT. TOYOTA PRIUS - DAY Four best friends are heading back home to New York after a concert in Toronto. CHARACTER #3 wakes up in the backseat. In between him and CHARACTER #4 sits this RANDOM GUY. Character #3 Who's this guy? CHARACTER #1 is driving the car says- Character #1 I don't know. Character#3 What do you mean, you don't know? You're the driver. Character #1 He was there when I took over the wheels. Character #3 hits CHARACTER #2, who sits on the passenger side, on his shoulder. Character #3 Hey! Who the hell is this guy? Character #2 Uh.. how would I know? Character #3 Are you serious? Character #2 Never seen that guy before. Character #3 tries quietly in panic, wake CHARACTER #4 up. Character #3 Dude wake up! Character #4 What? Uhh. who the hell is this? Character #1 You don't know him? Character #4 Why would I? Character #3 This is fucking great. Character #4 Is he dead? Character #1 loses focus on his driving for a second. Character #1 Is he dead!? Character #2 This is so awesome. Character #3 Shut the fuck up dude! Character #4 Leave him be so we can go back to sleep. Character #1 What should we do? Character #2 We should totally bury him in the desert. Character #3 It's in the middle of the fucking day. Character #1 Are you sure he's dead? Character #3 Yeah he's fucking dead. Character #1 How did a dead guy end up in our car? Like seriously? Character #4 starts to snore. Character #1 Did he just fell asleep? Character #3 Yepp. Character #1 Does he have a wallet or something? Character #3 Good idea, I'll check. Character #3 searches in the dead mans inner pockets and pulls out the wallet. Character #3 Lets see. You gotta be kidding me. Character #1 What? Who is he? Character #3 He's a fucking cop. Character #2 Sweet. Character #1 This isn't happening. Suddenly a cop car shows up behind them with sirens blazing...

Character#1 Shit - we better call it in. Character#2 Wha - why? Are you nuts? We don`t even know if we caused this one! Just... Character#3 Excuse me, but when...just when exactly did we begin circumventing normal protocol due to your irrational and unfounded fears? Hmmm? We`ve been accused of, and are under investigation for NOTHING! By deviating from standard procedure now, we will attract precisely the sort of attention we`ve worked so hard to avoid. Character#1 I suppose you`re right. Character#4 Fuck it - we don`t time for this, his plane lands in an hour. Let`s just leave her here, douse her in gas, and light a match. We have work to do. Character#3 Indeed.

My 2nd piece of dialouge for Character#1 was supposed to be from Character#2...please edit.

Soz for bad taste but best I could do in my lunch hour. INT - School Corridor - Night Character #1 hurries through a corridor, checking each door as he goes. He finally finds the right door and dives into the room We see a circle of chairs, like an AA meeting, with the leader chair empty 3 men are crowded round a body in the corner of the room, engaged in a heated discussion As the door swings shut, a sign stuck on the door comes into focus: "Necrophiliacs Anonymous: week 6" Character #1 Sorry I'm la......holy mary mother of fucking beelzibub. What is she doing here? Character #2 Hey Larry, no problem, your watch must be wrong again You're actually early Character #3 (cackles) As you can see - we have a new member who wants to join the group.... Character #1 Is this some sick joke, or what? Character #4 We were hoping you could tell us that, after all, you're the mortician Character #1 takes a close look at the body, inspects it all over Character #1 Well it's not one of mine! Look at the poor thing, it's a real sloppy job I would have thought this would be more up your street Character #3 Character #3 (hands up) Not me sir. Govt cutbacks put an end to my grave digging job two months back - burning's a lot cheaper. My sources drying up led to me coming here to get help with the urge. Character #4 I can't believe I even changed my job for this gig, I now do make-up for models - sheesh they make my flesh crawl, so skinny and, well, just too damn warm (beat) There are some sick people out there, that's for sure Character #3 - looking round slowly at each face in turn as he asks So.....what we gonna do with it? Character #1 Er, how long before our sponsor turns up? Character #2 (Checks watch)  About 15 minutes Character #1 Anyone got 4 straws, or is it rock, paper, scissors........... Character #3 Count me out guys, you know I don't go near the fairer sex Character #2 Sure, we forgot you were a homophiliac! The three roar with laughter at the discomfort of their fellow sufferer

EXT. HIGHWAY ROADSIDE - EARLY MORNING Upper New York State. The road is empty except for a lone car, stranded with a flat. Three men, one woman, cluster round a body of a man in a suit by the side of the road. CHARACTER #1 Shit, it's Harvey. Character #1 and Character #3 pull guns, question the countryside. CHARACTER #2 That call you took last night, it was phoney? CHARACTER #4 Jesus knuckle-head, you think? CHARACTER #3 It's a set up, has to be. CHARACTER #1 Quit whining and get the wheel changed. We gotta get outta here before the Cops show. CHARACTER #2 Leave Harvey? That's not right. He was the boss. CHARACTER #1 Not any more. CHARACTER #3 What? You in charge now? CHARACTER #1 Just do it! Cursing under his breath Character #3 holster's his gun, heads for the trunk as Character #2 drops to Harvey's side. CHARACTER #2 He's been strangled. CHARACTER #4 Well what do ya know, the driver has a medical degree. Jesus! CHARACTER #1 Can the attitude Honey, we gotta think this through. CHARACTER #4 But he's such a dick! What the hell does he have to go and get a flat way out here for anyway? CHARACTER #3 Fuck! CHARACTER #4 Now what? Don't tell me the wheel's too heavy for those weedy little arms of yours? CHARACTER #1 (scared) No way am I going down for this. Character #3 returns. CHARACTER #3 There's no spare. Fucking rental car. Now what? CHARACTER #1 (desperate) We gotta get rid of the body, that's what. CHARACTER #3 I don't like the way you're giving orders. CHARACTER #1 Screw you. CHARACTER #4 I say we bury him. CHARACTER #3 What, you got a shovel stuffed up your crack? She flips him the finger. CHARACTER #1 You got anything better? CHARACTER #2 We could cut him up? A knife magically appears in Character #3's hand. A flick of the wrist and it flashes through the air to spear the dirt next to Harvey's head. CHARACTER #3 Be my guest. Fucking retard. CHARACTER #1 Hey smartass, I ain't heard anything from you yet? CHARACTER #3 Disposal ain't my talent. CHARACTER #4 I heard there's another thing that you can't do neither. CHARACTER #3 You cheap whore! Character #1 belts him across the face. Character #3 pulls his gun. CHARACTER #1 Put that away. CHARACTER #3 You and the bitch never liked me- Character #4 jumps him, fingernails tear at his face. BLAM! Character #1 staggers, a gut shot. Character #4 screams as she rips at Character #3. CHARACTER #4 You screwed up asshole! Character #3 staggers, reels, cannons into the hood of the car, over-balances, they fall to the blacktop. Character #4 is winded, Character #3 scrambles free. Character #1 is on his knees. Blood oozes out from between his fingers, stains his shirt. CHARACTER #1 Why? CHARACTER #3 I didn't-. Oh fuck it. Character #3 shoots Character #1 in the head. Dead. CHARACTER #3 Like you were the next Al Capone. This gang's been one fuck up disaster after another. Character #4 is on her butt, slowly pack-peddles. Character #3 turns, aims at her head. She stops moving. CHARACTER #4 Go on then! I always said you were crazy you dickless wonder- Character #3 shoots her, blows the back of her head off. Turns as his knife is RAMMED into his throat. CHARACTER #3 What-? GURGLES horribly. Character #2 calmly steps back as blood foams down Character #3's neck. CHARACTER #2 Like you said, one disaster after another. Character #3 pitches to the blacktop, eyes wide, staring. CHARACTER #2 Harvey wasn't no genius either. Character #2 carefully wipes the knife handle clean, places it in Character #4's hand to print it. Character #3 has bled out all over the highway. Dead. Character #2 retrieves his backpack from the trunk. Pulls out a map: five miles cross-country and he hits a town. He sets off, immediately lost to sight in the undergrowth. The WAIL of Highway Patrol as it slows to offer assistance.

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT Long after the GANG leaves, the four WITNESSES creep out of their hiding place behind the dumpster, and approach the bloody body. Even now, one still wonders what keeps these together as friends. #1 Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! #2 Keep it together! #3 We gotta go... NOW! #4 Is he like... dead? #3 (totally miffed) No dumbo. He's just changin' blood! #1 Think I'm gonna be sick! #2 Calm down guys, we gotta think... #3 - No we don't. Wha' we gotta do is git the hell outta here. #2 We can't just... leave? #3 Sure we can. They did? #2 We should call the cops. #1 (freaking out the more) Oh shit, the cops! I just got out! #4 Maybe we'll be heroes or somethin' if we tell 'em who dun it? #3 Or your ass'll be dead the next mornin'. (addressing #2) Look, I ain't takin' the rap for this shit. #4 Maybe we'll call 'em ani... anym... animously? #3 Anonymously dimwit! #4 (offended) Is wha' I said? #2 Guys, we gotta do something. (pointing to the corpse) No one has to die this way? #3 We' talkin' about the Tigers here man. Shit, we barely escaped endin' up like this. #2 We did. But, he didn't. And if we let them get away with this, many more wont. They chew on this a while. #4 Even wheelchair Willie got killed by 'em... #1 (calmer now) Who kills a guy in a wheelchair? #4 Cowards? #3 (surprised by #4) Yeah, cowards do tha'. Wheelchair Willie wasn't hurtin' nobody... #2 - Yet they hurt him. Just like they hurt this one. (looking all of them in the eye) And they will hurt any of us unless we stop them. #1 (not too sure) Do we got to? #2 Who better? They got sloppy with this one. Got the whole thing on video. He pulls out his phone. His surprised friends crowd around him. INSERT PHONE: A revealing video of an identifiable gang of five or six guys savagely beating on a hapless guy. His pleas go unheeded. #1 gets sick. #4 Dude, yo' like the smart... smartstest! #3 Is smartest the word yo' lookin' for? #4 only shrugs. #1 That's just sick man! #4 We got poof... #3's eyes roll. There's no helping this one. #2 (to #3) So, what do you think? Is it time for the Tigers' rule to end or what? Faced with such evidence, #3's got no excuse not to do the right thing and he knows it. Doesn't mean he's happy about that. #3 Shit! Shit! Shit! (giving up) Wha' do we do? Thinking for a moment, #2 goes to the body, gingerly searches his pockets to the horror of his friends. #2 (holding up a phone) Got it! He joins his friends and, with their heads together, outlines his plan. He looks around at the now smiling faces of his co-conspirators. #2 Everyone good? They nod. #2 (Cont'd) Okay. Get to it. #4 (smiling broadly) Tol' yo' we gonna be heroes? #3 heads for the pay phone. #1 and #4 stand on the lookout. #2 sends video to the dead guy's phone. Moments later, they gather again. #2 Anybody see us? #1 and #4 shake their heads. #3 Cops are on the way. #2 Just a minute. He goes back to the body, carefully wipes down the dead guy's phone, and places it by the body. He hurriedly returns to his friends. #2 (Cont'd) Let's go. They scamper away. In the distance, SIRENS blare.

Oops - for some reason I was convinced this was meant to be a comedy sketch. Oh well, must read the question properly next time.

WE HEAR a semi-frequent DRIP that echoes through a sterile sounding room. A door suddenly OPENS. More than one pair of feet SHUFFLE in. CHARACTER #1 Tell me again when you noticed the water. CHARACTER #2 Well, I usually start at about ten o-clock. And it takes me about- CHARACTER #1 (interrupting) -what time did you notice? I don't need the back story. CHARACTER #2 Um, it-it was probably about two thirty or so. CHARACTER #1 Did you notice if anything else was out? Any lights? Any of the other machines? Did the lights flicker? CHARACTER #2 No sir. Just this one. And I called you as soon as I saw the water. But I got your voicemail, so I left the message. CHARACTER #1 I was away from my phone. (beat) Did you sterilize everything? CHARACTER #2 Yes sir. CHARACTER #1 OK, good. What did you do with the towels? And the mop? CHARACTER #2 The towels are in dirty bin. (indicating) That one. And the mop's in the closet. CHARACTER #1 I want you to take everything in that bin. Everything. And take it to the incinerator and burn it, OK? And the mop too. CHARACTER #2 OK. Well, procedure says to- CHARACTER #1 -procedure is not an option here, OK? Burn it. Character number two grabs the contents of the bin and shuffles out of the room while character number one produces a cell phone. CHARACTER #1 (into phone) Hey, you better come down here. (beat) CHARACTER #1 We have a problem with chamber two-twelve. (beat) CHARACTER #1 It looks like there was a power outage. (beat) CHARACTER #1 No, just the janitor. Character number one hangs up and inspects the cryogenic chamber, looking for any signs of an intruder. Inside the chamber is a male body and a baseball bat. Character number 3 enters the room. CHARACTER #3 When did it happen? CHARACTER #1 He said it was about two thirty. It's too late. Character number three produces a cell phone and dials a number. Character one is still inspecting the chamber. CHARACTER #4 (V.O.) Hello? CHARACTER #3 (into the phone) Good morning ma'am. I'm a representative with Chryo-Star. It seems there was an incident last night.

A desert. A dead body lies motionless (of course) next to a dead tree. Four men approach it. MAN 1: Look! A dead body! MAN 2: You state the obvious, Man 1. MAN 1: Indeed, I do. Let me try again… Look! There lies a body! How should I evaluate its presence? Perhaps the possessor of said flesh is no longer with us corporeally! MAN 3: Man, you two get weirder by the day. MAN 2: You state the obvious, Man 3. MAN 1: Yes, Man 3, perhaps you should have said, “Man, you two…” MAN 3: Shut up, doofus. As the three talk, MAN 4 goes over to examine the corpse. MAN 1: What are you doing? Don’t touch it! MAN 4: I happen to be a mortician. I will take this body and prepare it for disposal. MAN 1: Disposal? Ewwwww!! MAN 3: “Ewwww?” You sound like a girl, Man 1. MAN 1: Shut up. MAN 3: Man 4, you are a mortician, you say, but I am in law enforcement, and I should have first stab at it, pardon the pun. MAN 4: (Looks up) How did you know he was stabbed? MAN 1: (Accusingly) How did you know it’s a he? MAN 2: He states the obvious. MAN 1: Okay, then… what if I am the killer, and I would like a moment alone to cover my tracks before law enforcement arrives. MAN 3 rolls his eyes. MAN 1: Or perhaps I am the best friend of the deceased and would like a moment of quiet reflection before the killer arrives to… kill him. MAN 3: Little late for that. MAN 4: Help me roll him over, fellas, rigor mortis has set up. MAN 1: Stop talking so technical, Man 4…. Flaunting your knowledge like that. Watch out for the cactuses!!! MAN 2 and MAN 3 advance to provide assistance. MAN 1: Don’t touch it! There might be evidence you’re trampling on, or goo, or something… MAN 3: (Exasperated) Man 1, perhaps you should go call for help…. and it’s cacti… the plural of cactus is cacti. Doofus. MAN 1: I will do that. Ewwwwww. MAN 2,3, and 4 roll the body over. MAN 3: I know this guy! MAN 4: You do? MAN 3: Yes, he’s a mortician! MAN 4: Curses! I feel dirty. MAN 3: … and he works part time as a private investigator for the county! MAN 2: Is it that obvious? MAN 3: … and, and… I saw him on the news too!! He’s under investigation for murder! MAN 4: Not anymore. MAN 1 returns. MAN 1: What are you guys talking about? MAN 2: Isn’t it obvious? MAN 1: Hey, I don’t suppose any of you geniuses, or is it genii, have noticed that the tree is dead too? MAN 2: It’s obvious. MAN 3 and 4: (Together) Huh? MAN 1: Yeah! It is! I bet he was climbing the tree and a branch broke and he fell to his death! What do you think? MAN 3: I think you’re a doofus. MAN 1: If you call me a doofus one more time, I’m gonna unleash a string of expletives, d-words, s-words, - the lot of them – that seem so compulsory in contemporary dialogue… the likes of which this contest has never seen! MAN 3: Doofus… MAN 2: (Stands and screams out, simultaneously pulling a gun) Freeze, all of you!! Hands in the air!!... Except for him (pointing to dead guy). I want to cuss, but I’m not going to! Hands in the air I say!! MAN 3: What the… MAN 2: I’m with the Orlando Battery Violence Investigative Orlando Unit Services!!! MAN 1: You said Orlando twice. MAN 2, 3 and 4: (Together) Yes, it’s OBVIOUS… doofus.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK N.Y. - MIDNIGHT Four college students hang over a dead body they encountered after having a wicca session in the park. CHARACTER one: What are we going to do with her? CHARACTER two: I don’t know CHARACTER three: Check her body. CHARACTER four: What for? CHARACTER three: Maybe she is a he CHARACTER four: Why would you say that? CHARACTER three: The dress, her make-up and wig, look at it. CHARACTER three ducks, touches between the legs and stands up quickly. CHARACTER three: Definitely a she. CHARACTER one: She still looks like a drag queen CHARACTER two: Hey, what are you doing? CHARACTER one: Taking her sequenced high heel shoes off. I like them Where did she buy those? CHARACTER two: You can’t do that CHARACTER one: Who says CHARACTER two: The law CHARACTER three: We should call the police CHARACTER four: Yeah, they would believe us Smell my breath, they would think we hit her CHARACTER one: I think I like her bag too CHARACTER two: OMG, you’re the clothes snatcher, I knew you weren’t perfect CHARACTER one: Who said I was CHARACTER two, three, four: Your grades. CHARACTER three: I think we should all go home and call the police anonymously. CHARACTER one: We can’t do that CHARACTER two: Yes we can. YOU can’t take her shoes and bag. It’s evidence. CHARACTER one: Not any more. CHARACTER one and two start cat fight. Pulling each other’s hair. The other two have to pull them off each other. While they fight the personal ID card of CHARACTER one falls onto the ground. CHARACTER three: Someone is approaching. They run off. Besides the body lies the ID card of CHARACTER one.

ALL AAAH!/AAH!/EEE!! CHARACTER 3 Oh, Jesus. I think I touched its foot. CHARACTER 4 Gross. CHARACTER 3 I think I'm going to be sick-- CHARACTER 4 Oh, don't--you can't throw up over here. This is where I'm being sick. CHARACTER 2 Ugh. If you throw up, I'm going to throw up. CHARACTER 1 No one throw up, okay? There is not room enough for--oh, god; what is that smell? CHARACTER 4 Is that--did you fart? CHARACTER 3 No, I did not fart! CHARACTER 1 We are in a confined space! CHARACTER 2 Stop farting! It's entirely unbecoming a lady. CHARACTER 3 I never farted! CHARACTER 4 "A lady?" CHARACTER 1 This parrot-faced wanton? CHARACTER 3 "Wanton"? CHARACTER 4 It means whore. CHARACTER 3 I know what it means, jackass. CHARACTER 4 On account of your whoring ways. CHARACTER 3 Would you shut the--oh, god, I can taste it in my mouth now. (heaves) CHARACTER 1 Okay, he's obviously shit himself. CHARACTER 4 Don't throw up! I'm gonna be-- (heaves) CHARACTER 2 Oh, that is unfortunate. CHARACTER 1 Would you please stop making those noises! We are in a confined room, here! We have a limited supply of air and we cannot afford to be throwing Jesus Christ! What did this guy eat? CHARACTER 2 Is it normal for it to smell like that? Because I feel like that is excessive. CHARACTER 4 I think we can safely say that that is not normal, unless he's been eating off the food truck. CHARACTER 3 What--what's wrong with the food truck? CHARACTER 4 Are you kidding? That thing is crawling with filth. CHARACTER 3 I ate at the food truck for lunch. OTHERS Oh./Oh./Ugh. CHARACTER 3 What? What's going to happen to me? CHARACTER 1 What's going to happen to you is that your insides are going to want to get on your outsides in the shortest amount of time possible and the only thing standing in their way is your comfort, and perhaps whatever shred of dignity your harlot ways have left you. CHARACTER 3 Oh, no--I'm not feeling so good. CHARACTER 2 Guys: is it me, or is this getting exponentially worse by the minute? CHARACTER 4 It's like a bottomless well. CHARACTER 1 I think the bottom is the well. CHARACTER 2 We have got to get this guy out of here. CHARACTER 4 Oh! Guys! Guys; the furnace! CHARACTER 1 Furnace? What do you want, to burn him?! We can't put him in there. CHARACTER 2 I think that's what he would want. CHARACTER 1 "What he would want"?! CHARACTER 3 I'm in. Let's burn this asshole. CHARACTER 1 Guys, we are not going to burn this man! We don't even know who he is, or what he has done to deserve this unfortunate--oh. I cannot; that is awful. CHARACTER 2 I am not staying in this room with that. CHARACTER 1 We have got to burn this poor man immediately. Alright, let's roll him over. Everybody just--grab something. They do. CHARACTER 1 (CONT'D) On three. One. Two. Three-- They roll the body. ALL Oh./Aagh./Jesus./Whoa. Character 4 dances. CHARACTER 1 Why are you dancing like an idiot? CHARACTER 4 I touched it. I touched it, and it was gross. CHARACTER 1 Of course you touched him. We all touched him. And please, show some respect for this man who--what are you eating? CHARACTER 2 CornNuts. CHARACTER 4 Where did you get the CornNuts? CHARACTER 2 From the dead guy. OTHERS Ugh./Ew./Sick. CHARACTER 2 What? He wasn't going to eat them. CHARACTER 1 "He wasn't going to"--you are eating a dead man's nuts. In no universe is that accepta...ble.. Pauses, fixated on a strange bulge. CHARACTER 3 Why is--what is--unh-- CHARACTER 2 Must have something else in his pockets. CHARACTER 4 Dibs! CHARACTER 2 Aw, man! CHARACTER 3 All yours, butthole. CHARACTER 4 Yes! CHARACTER 1 I do not think you want what is in there. CHARACTER 4 What are you talking about? It could be more food. We don't know how long we're going to be in here. When you are in a survival situation, you have got to take advantage of what is around you. Examines bulge. CHARACTER 3 That's no food. CHARACTER 4 It's hard. What do you think it is? A wad of cash? Think this guy is loaded? CHARACTER 3 Keep poking. You'll get a load of something. CHARACTER 4 I think it's money! I think I'm gonna be rich! CHARACTER 1 You do not want to disturb that. CHARACTER 4 What are you talking about? This guy is obviously, filthy wealthy, and I am going to be-- CHARACTER 1 That is no treasure, my friend. 4 Pauses. Sudden sickness of realization. CHARACTER 1 (CONT'D) That--is a death boner.

Let it be said that the best line to end this day's competition surely is, "That-- is a death boner." A hat tip to you all.

INT. #1’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT #1 I told you. There’s nothing here. Please go away! #2 ignores him, pointing the flashlight around the room. #3 Shut up you little shit. #4 (to #2) It’s here! Check out under the carpet! #3 squats on the carpet, pointing the UV black light flashlight. Fluorescent spots are revealed. #3 Can you explain this? #1 Please, don’t! Just go away! I have nothing to do with this. #4 (to #2) Don’t let him go downstairs!! #3 pulls the carpet revealing a small squared door. #2 Relax man, we’re just checking out. The door is pulled open. Except by #4 they all cough. A terrible smell is coming from there. #3 Who’s going down first? #4 goes ahead. #2 and #3 stare at #1. #4 V.O. I can’t find the switch! #2 pulls out a gun. #2 (to #1) Go. INT. #1’S BASEMENT - NIGHT Darkness. #3 Where’s the fucking switch? STEP NOISES. #2 finds the light switch with a CLICK. The light is a strong, sickening yellow. The basement is a small space, with nothing but a dead rotting man over the dirt floor. #3 pulls out a revolver, pointing to #1. #3 (CONT’D) Motherfucker. #4 is right next to the body. #4 Finally! Look! Just shoot him and end with this. I just want to be in peace. #2 also points the gun to #1. #2 Is that him? #4 C’mon!!! Do it!!! #3 Of course it is, look at his face. He’s about to piss. #1 I-I didn’t-- #4 Shoot him! #2 I just want to be sure. #2 turns the body up front with the feet. The face is all eaten and gone. #4 touches the face, horrified. #2 (CONT’D) We can’t be sure. #2 analyses it. #3 You’re under arrest. #1 I KNOW YOU CAME OVER HERE WHILE I WAS AT MOM’S. #3 pushes the gun against #1. #3 I WAS AT THE OFFICE. SHUT UP. (to #2) Is that him or not? #1 I WILL NOT GO TO JAIL. It was you!!! I would NEVER-- #2 I was at the station. They told me you were working with Michelle. #3 What the fuck are you saying? #1 IT WAS HIM!! Have you ever checked his room at mom’s??? He’s a freak, he puts everything there!!! #4 is focused in the body. He touches his own face while analyses the dead man’s suit. He’s uncertain. #4 (talking in #2’s ear) He put this man here. #2 Calm down. Put your gun down. #3 The f-- #2 NOW! OFFICER, PUT YOUR GUN DOWN! NOW!!! #4 I’m not him. Just kill him now. I’ll help you with this. #3 shoots #2. #1 SCREAMS. #4 (CONT’D) NO! NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!! I HATE YOU! WHY ARE YOU HIDING ME? #3 (to #1) SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SHIT! CAN’T YOU SEE YOU’RE MESSING EVERYTHING UP? LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! #3 shoots randomly. Another bullet hits #2’s already dead body. #4 (sobbing) No! God, no!!! Why... Why-- #1 muffles his screams. He’s pissed.

Omg, do I still have time?