INT. HELL - DAY Worried, SAMAEL stands of the pits of hell. The fires are out, the place deathly silent. Huffing and wheezing, seriously late, JOE (50s) approaches. He's wearing overalls with his name-tag and a Stagnaro Bros Stove and Furnace Service patch. JOE: (coughing) Mr Samuel -- SAMAEL: (heavy Brooklyn accent) -- Sam. JOE: Sorry I'm late. I'm here to fix the furnace. Samael starts walking, gestures for Joe to follow him. SAMAEL: Finally. What happened to you? JOE: I took a wrong turn and ended up in purgatory. Took me half an hour to get out. SAMAEL: (sympathetically) All those rotaries, I know. You end up going round and round in circles forever... You were lucky. There was this one old lady, once. Got stuck in there for a month. I had to send Abyzou to get her out. They arrive at the furnace. Joe rests his toolbag on the ground, opens the main panel. Takes a flashlight, inspects inside. JOE: Hmmm... What happened. SAMAEL: Everything was working fine, then we heard a sound like someone hammering a pipe... then zip. JOE: How long did it go on for? SAMAEL: The hammering?? A minute, maybe two. Joe grabs a monkey wrench from his bag, removes a long fat pipe. Looks down it's center, but it's completely black. SAMAEL: Can you fix it? The boss is tearing me a new asshole on account of Thanksgiving. Joe grabs a long shafted screwdriver, stabs it into the pipe and black gunk falls to the ground. JOE: Thanksgiving's your busy time? SAMAEL: You kidding? All the family holidays, Valentine's, people get together, start arguing... bada bing, bada boom... bang, bang, bang... they end up here. Boss wanted us to make room for this year. Having poked a hole through the pipe, Joe grabs a wire brush, starts brushing the pipe's inside. Now a ton of gunk starts falling out. Keeps bruahing until the fallout subsides. Joe puts the pipe back in place, tightens the bolts. He opens up an electrical panel, presses a big red button and the pits of hell start burning once more and we hear the wailing screams of the damned. SAMAEL: Thanks, you saved my ass. JOE: What fuel are you guys using? SAMAEL: Natural gas. We just got a new supplier cause the boss, well he's a little tight-fisted, you know? JOE: Now I understand. Problem is your new supplier likely gets gas from a fracking well. SAMAEL: So? JOE: So, gas from a fracking well has more water in it, and you get a buildup of creosote, which is what blocked up the pipe. Beat as Joe carefully examines a panel. Whistles judgmentally. JOE: See here? This old furnace is only rated for half a billion, and you've got, what? SAMAEL: (sheepishly) One and a half billion people... and growing. JOE: Right, so it isn't as hot as before. Won't burn off the creosote. I mean, this'll do you until Easter, but you should talk to your boss about getting more capacity, otherwise it's just a matter of time before this or something even worse happens again. SAMAEL: I don't know... Joe grabs a business card from his overalls, hands it over. Samael peruses it. JOE: Think about it over the holidays, will ya, Sam? Then give my man Petey a call in the new year. I guarantee you'll get a great deal... maybe go for a couple of those new smoke free furnaces. SAMAEL: Okay, after the holidays. (beat. gentle smile) The boss is always talking about going green.

INT. WOOD SHED - DAY Tools, broken household appliances, and of course, logs. MARLENE piles logs against the door while JOELLE shifts an old wardrobe to cover the only window. Outside, the zombies moan and scrabble at the walls and door. MARLENE: So why exactly was your number in Jack's phone? JOELLE: What? Oh, I don't know. For the store, I guess. You guys get through a lot of animal feed. MARLENE: Yeah, there's something animal about all this... A ZOMBIE ARM smashes through the door and clutches at Marlene's hair. She grabs a watering can and batters it into submission. MARLENE: (still battering the zombie) And then there was that time I came home and found you and him drinking coffee - A zombie smashes through the window, forcing its way in behind the wardrobe. Joelle throws all her weight against it, crushing the thrashing zombie - JOELLE: I told you! My car broke down on the way to my grandma's! MARLENE: We're not on the way anywhere. JOELLE: You're dancing around a whole lot here, Marlene. If you think I'm sleeping with your husband, come on out and say so! Zombies smash through the roof. Marlene and Joelle grab an ax and a saw and set about the reaching hands. Blood and severed fingers fly everywhere. MARLENE: Fine! You're a dirty whore, you seduced my Jack, and if you think I'm contributing to your charity bake sale this year, you will be sorely disappointed!

INT. CAMPING TENT - DAY Mike, horizontal and bundled in his nice, neat sleeping bag, watches in awe at Jason's sandwich-making skills. Jason, wearing a his ratty old sleeping bag like a cape and a cock-eyed camper's headlamp on high beam, opens his turkey sandwich and strategically places chips in a jigsaw pattern on one side before carefully closing it and squishing it together. Crrrunch. MIKE: (only slightly amused) What're you... twelve? Jason licks his fingers loudly, revels in his creation, and takes a huge bite. JASON: (full mouth) What... You don't do this? Chips make it better, man. It's delicious. MIKE: No. JASON: No? You should, man. It's good. Jason offers it to Mike for a try- he refuses. Jason crunches away while taking intermittent slurps of his drink and loud chomps of trail mix. Mike is disgusted. MIKE: You're gonna get crumbs everywhere. Jason looks down and haphazardly sweeps away a bevy of crumbs. He finishes the last bite, takes a final swig of his drink, swishes, and leans out the tent to spit. Mike watches this in horror. MIKE: That's disgusting, dude. JASON: What? You don't do that either? MIKE: (annoyed) No. Mike rolls over and shuts his eyes tight. MIKE: Hurry up and go to sleep, we have an early start tomorrow. And turn off that stupid headlamp. It's still light out for fuck's sake. Jason turns it off and slides into his sleeping bag. He tries several positions to settle in, none of which work. The constant jostling and noise annoys Mike. MIKE: Would you stop it! Jason settles momentarily. Mike listens, waits, and closes his eyes again. But this position doesn't work for Jason. He tries to be as slow and quiet as possible as he changes positions again only to draw out the annoying sound of loud, shiny canvas on canvas that grates Mike's nerves. Mike's eyes shoot open and stare straight ahead at the side of the tent 6 inches from his face. Jason is still moving. Mike snaps up. MIKE: What the fuuuck?! Jason startles. JASON: I think I have crumbs. MIKE: What? JASON: Crumbs. I think I have crumbs in my bag. MIKE: Holy fuck, dude. (beat) Shake it out or something. Mike motions towards the opening of the tent. Jason nods. He tries to be sly and quiet only to have it turn into an exaggerated squirm that encroaches on Mike's space. Mike's nostril's flare. JASON: Sorry. Sorry. Jason wiggles out of the bag and unzips the tent. EXT. CAMPING TENT - DAY Extreme close-up on Jason as he pokes his head out and and goes to shake his bag. He gives two hard shakes and gasps in terror. EXT. SHEER ROCK FACE - DAY Extreme zoom-out. The camping tent is actually a hanging tent suspended on the side of a sheer rock face surrounded by nothing but other peaks, 1000ft cliffs, and a menagerie of fall colors glistening in the setting sun. And a sleeping bag blowing away in a gust of wind. Cue a distant hawk cry. JASON: (O.S.) Shit. INT. CAMPING TENT - DAY Mike's eyes pop open. FADE OUT

EXT. RIVER STYX - DAY Charon pulls into the river bank. He takes the coin held in his passenger's mouth, who then rises. As the passenger disembarks, Charon points him towards another hooded figure, watching until they meet and enter Hades. All of a sudden we hear a loud siren as a police dinghy powered by a pair of outsized engines barges its way into view. WATER COP #1 (O.S.): (over megaphone) STAY WHERE YOU ARE. DO NOT MOVE! If you could see under his hooded head, Charon's rolling his eyes. Does not have time for this. CHARON: Great. Police boat docks, as one officer ties a line to a mooring. Water Cop #1 hops onto dry land, ticket book in hand. CHARON: What seems to be the problem, officer? WATER COP #1: Do you know the speed limit here? License and registration, please. CHARON: Excuse me? WATER COP #1: (more forcefully) License and registration-- CHARON: -- Do you know who I am? I am Charon, ferryman of the dead. I require neither a license nor registration. Water Cop #1 raises an eyebrow, smirks to his companion, WATER COP #2. WATER COP #1: On my river you do. And I forgot, I need to see your shield. CHARON: My what? WATER COP #1: Your shield. State regulation ten-two-three-seven dot four clearly states that nobody may operate a water taxi without first obtaining a shield and paying the required fee. Charon points a bony finger to the police boat. CHARON: Be on your way before you anger me further. I answer only to Hades himself. Water Cop #1 turns to #2 in disbelief. WATER COP #1: He hasn't heard. CHARON: I haven't heard what? WATER COP #2: Hades was fired, last week. He abducted that girl, what was her name?? WATER COP #1: Persephone. Cute face. WATER COP #2: Nice ass too. Now he's on the run, crossed state lines... (to Water Cop #1) Probably in Oklahoma by now. (to Charon) Didn't you see the alert for a blue Ford Escort on the traffic signs? Charon shakes his hooded head. he didn't. Water Cop #2 face goes all serious as he whispers in the other's ear. WATER COP #1: You're right. The two cops both pull out their guns, aim them at Charon. WATER COP #1: Mr Charon, we're going to have to bring you in for questioning. WATER COP #2: You're a material witness in an ongoing investigation. Hands over your head! Charon does as he's instructed, as the cops cuff him and lead him onto their boat.

INT. UNKNOWN LOCATION - LOCKER ROOM - DAWN LIEUTENANT KIM (40s) adjusts his tie in front of his locker mirror. He smiles, watching himself as he hums a happy children's song. He then puts on his kaki vest, bearing a number of army grades and recognitions. INT. UNKNOWN LOCATION - CORRIDOR - DAWN Lieutenant Kim, fully dressed with hat on, makes his way through the maze of corridors surrounded by hundreds of identical doors. As he moves forward, humming away and politely bowing to anyone crossing his path, different screams and cries emerge from behind the closed doors. Straight ahead, another soldier walks out of a room, hands covered in blood, a huge pair of rusty pliers in hand. He is SOLDIER PARK (30s). Soldier Kim removes his hat as the soldier greets him formally. LIEUTENANT KIM: Early start? SOLDIER PARK: Yes sir, had to switch with Sungoon, he's off to the capital for the annual dance. LIEUTENANT KIM: What a pain in the ass that thing. Awkward silence, the two men look at each other for a beat. LIEUTENANT KIM: I mean, what a honor. (Beat) Ok, I'm off for breakfast. SOLDIER PARK: Enjoy your breakfast and don't take the scrambled eggs sir. Lieutenant Kim smiles, puts his hat back on and resumes his walk. INT. UNKNOWN LOCATION - CAFETERIA. DAY He enters an old, badly taken care of cafeteria. He removes his hat again, bows to different soldiers and high grades in the room and lines up to pick up his food. The man in front of him turns around, he is LIEUTENANT CHOI (50s). LIEUTENANT CHOI: Ha, Lieutenant Kim, I heard that your team received a eighty six percent success rate in the 'immediate confession' contest last week. Congratulations, very impressive. LIEUTENANT KIM: Thank you, I have a very dedicated team. LIEUTENANT CHOI: Ha, that's the secret isn't it? They move forward as every man before them picks sausages, scrambled eggs and rice. Lieutenant Kim, plate in one hand, grabs a spoon with the other. He drives the spoon to the rice, cups a large amount and drops it onto his plate. He then drives the spoon to the scrambled eggs where it hoovers for a beat before moving on to the sausages. Both Lieutenant Choi and Lieutenant Kim, plates and cutlery in hand, sit at a small square table where the former man starts to eat noisily while the later places knife, fork and chopsticks in a perfect alignment just a few centimeters away from the plate. A waitress stops by, serves a cup of tea to both men and hand the newspapers to Lieutenant Kim who thanks her with a delicate bow and a smile. He checks one more time that each item on the table is where it should be and unfolds the newspaper, unveiling the front page. Its title: CAMP 22 DAILY.

Ha! These are great! Funny and inventive. Reminds me of that video from several years ago: Star Wars storm troopers in the vein of the TV show "Cops". You can see that here. Good work all!

Oops, late again...and short on humor after reading too much news. ________ INT. STERILE WHITE OFFICE SPACE - MIDDAY CLOSE ON JULIE, who watches a computer monitor displaying a running feed like heartbeat and EKG data. JULIE pulls her cellphone out of her pocket when it plays the ring tone Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. JULIE: Hi sweetie! (beat) Mommy's at work. You know that. (beat) I left your old blankie on the dryer, sweetie. It's clean and soft, and smells good, just the way you like it. (beat) That's fine, just ask daddy to help you. (beat) okay, sweetie, Mommy has to go now. I'll see you after work, okay? (beat) Love you, too, so much. Bye! Smiling, JULIE puts her cellphone back in her pocket before returning to her work. JULIE, looking displeased with something on the monitor, punches a few keys on the PBX phoneset on her desk. UNKNOWN MALE (V.O.): Yes? JULIE: Something happened during that last session. I've got a shift in data. Please repeat the effort. UNKNOWN MALE (V.O.): Okay. Bob, set it up again. JULIE looks up above her desk surface, off camera, as if looking through a window. The display clears and resets in front of JULIE, showing new running feed. UNKNOWN MALE (V.O.): Commencing session 85 of project ID 15. The sound of water dribbling can be heard over the speaker of the PBX set. JULIE punches a few keys on her keyboard as she continues to watch. UNKNOWN MALE (V.O.): Tell us where you hid it. UNKNOWN MALE-2 (V.O.): (raspy and weak) I've told you, there's nothing to hide. UNKNOWN MALE (V.O.): Go ahead, Bob. A volume of pouring water can be heard, combined with sputtering and gasping, followed by weak scream and then silence. In tandem the display in front of JULIE registers a big jump, several small jumps, and a flat line. BLACK OUT.