Well, let's try. INT. In house – kitchen - day A delicious breakfast has been served. Croissants, fresh juice, French bread, pastries, boiled eggs, bacon, milk, pancakes and fruit salad. Mary makes some fresh coffee. Robert, her dandy husband, walks in, looks surprised. Robert: did I forget something? Marie: --- you tell me Robert: it’s not our anniversary, isn’t it? Marie: --no Robert: What’s to celebrate then? Marie: I called your office last night Robert: why would you do that? Marie: do I need a reason to speak to my husband Robert: I’m busy with the merger, you know that Marie: did you merge last evening? Robert: I can’t talk about business Marie: I’m not Robert: So, I did forget something. What is it? You finally passed your exam? The fifth time? Marie: right Robert: I thought you would never make it in this life time. Big girl (pats Mary on her shoulder) Marie: Big enough to go my own way

Very excited about this. I was just thinking today that I should start writing some scenes for practice. I haven't written any scripts yet, I like to start slow, so this should be an excellent opportunity to start out and get feedback from other writers. Great idea Scott!

I am so excited that you're doing this, Scott! Thank you for the NaSkeWriMo plug, too--what great timing all around. Hurray for Shari for getting us off to a good start!

Shari, it takes real stones to put your work in front of people like this, so at the very least you deserve some feedback. IMHO, this is really interesting. Lots of subtext (he's having an affair; she knows about it; etc...). Most of your issues are just 1st draft issues, like tightening up dialogue, etc... If I had a criticism it's that you need more actual description and detail for the core of the scene. The description of the breakfast itself is overkill, imho. Anyway, I hope you don't mind but I had a go at rewriting this, just to show you what I mean. Just note that this is strictly my opinion and that all I'm trying to do is foster some ideas in your brain. There is no right/write way. ----------------------- INT. KITCHEN - MORNING Rustic, right out of Martha Stewart. Rolling suitcase stands to attention by the dishwasher. Breakfast fit for a prince is laid out on the kitchen table: fruit, pastries, etc... But only one place is set. Just as Mary places a French press on the table, Robert bounces in through the kitchen door, grinning like the smug asshole he is. His eyes widen in surprise as he surveys the scene before him. ROBERT: What's the occasion? Don't tell me I forgot our anniversary. He kisses his wife, but she squirms away like she doesn't want him to touch her. ROBERT: What did I do now? Mary glares at Robert. MARY: I tried to call you last night. ROBERT: Why would you do that? You know we've been busy with the merger. MARY: I need a reason? Mary grabs an official looking envelope, flings it at Robert. It flies through the air like a shuriken, hits him square on his chest. She nods at him to open it. Beat as he reads the letter inside. ROBERT: (genuinely surprised) Huh... You passed... I never thought-- MARY: --Spare me. ROBERT: Fifth time's the charm? Mary's impatience finally gets the best of her as she snatches the letter out of Robert's hands, grabs the suitcase, makes her way out the door. ROBERT: Where are you going? MARY: Away from you. ROBERT: You need me. You'll never make it on your own! Sly, gentle smile crosses Mary's face. MARY: I'm already making it... Enjoy your breakfast. Mary strides out, slams the door behind her.

Applying the principle of those who criticize must also show their work. Assuming the theme is murderers at a gas station, here goes. Please rip, spindle and mutilate as you see fit. -------- EXT. GAS STATION, LEE VINING, CA - DAY Nestled in the mountains, surrounded by snow capped hills, sky as clear and cold and blue as you'd expect at 6700 ft. Deborah and Grace drive up in a late model Black Mercedes convertible. Glide to a halt at a pump. Deborah gets out driver's side, now dressed in tank top, cut-offs and cowgirl boots, looking like an elegantly slutty stripper and all designed to take attention away from her face. She swipes a credit card at the pump, but this being California, it asks for a zip code. Deborah leans into the car, hands the card back to Grace, who's dressed almost the same. On her knees: brown leather personal organizer loaded to the gills with business card pockets holding credit cards and drivers licenses. DEBORAH: What's the zip? With her index finger, Grace lowers her shades, puts the credit card back into place as she scans a driving license with the name, John Henry Calvin. GRACE: Nine, oh, oh, two, four. Deborah press the keypad... a few seconds, then it allows Deborah to start pumping gas. Which she does. DEBORAH: I'm going inside... you want anything? GRACE: I'm good. DEBORAH: You sure? It's gonna take us at least a couple of hours to get to Reno. GRACE: Okay. Can you get me some water?... and some Gummy Bears? Grace ruffles to the back of the organizer where a pocket holds at least $2000 in used 20s. DEBORAH: I've got cash. Grace snaps organizer shut, throws it onto the back seat where it joins three siblings. GRACE: Do you want me to call the wife? DEBORAH: Good idea. I'll be back in a minute. Deborah leans further in, casually gives Grace a nice long tender kiss, then strides towards the mart. Grace grabs a cell phone inside a gallon size freezer bag and a small dictaphone. Grace hits the speed dial on the phone, gets Helen Calvin's voice mail. Grace presses play on the dictaphone and we hear some of John Calvin's final words. CALVIN (O.S.): Hey honey, hope you don't mind but we decided to drive up to Tahoe for the weekend. Why don't you catch a plane and join us?... Miss you...

Shari, thanks for breaking the ice. As pliny notes, it takes courage to do this type of thing. Thinking of all the different ways someone would bust their mate for cheating, what you've done is go the OTHER direction, at least on the surface with the big spread for breakfast. My take on the subtext of that as far as Marie goes: Here is what you used to have and could have, so taste it one last time, because it's all gone, and you wont' be able to 'taste' it again. The breakfast also provides a BOB (Bit Of Business) to let the scene play out with subtext as opposed to Marie just hauling off and slamming Robert's dome with a frying pan. So some good instincts here!

Thanks, pliny, for this. You make a good point: the need for a balance of dialogue and scene description. Unless you are Paddy Chayefsky's grandchild, if you write a page with ONLY dialogue, a script reader will make this assessment: Amateur. Movies are primarily a visual medium. We have to keep this in mind all the time. That doesn't mean we do busy work with scene description to break up lengthy exchanges of dialogue, but it does mean immersing ourselves in scenes to 'see' what can be going on in terms of action, especially in a talking heads scene like this. Thanks, pliny, for taking the time to take a whack at shari's pages.

Strong scene. Clear beginning, middle, end. Lots of elements which prick our curiosity. Who are these two? Why do they have these apparently purloined organizers? And what in heaven's name have they done with John Calvin, their scheme with Helen? Scenes can answer a reader's questions. They can also RAISE questions, too, which is a great way to hook and sustain a reader's attention. Good stuff!

Pliny, thanks for the feedback and rewrite, much appreciated.

Scott, thanks for the feedback. These exercises really help me build my writing muscles. A journey of a thousand miles, a first draft, begins with a single step, a scene.