Kevin Smith is not a good screenwriter and shouldn't be held up as an example of good screenwriting.

Nun: Let me get this straight: you don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"? Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, "Do it... do it and I'll fuckin' spank you." Bartleby: [Bartleby is listening from a nearby seat] [quietly] Bartleby: Oh, geez... Nun: The way you put it... I never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I... Loki: Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take this money that you've been collecting for your parish, go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment, 'cause that's really all that life is, Sister. It's a series of moments. Why don't you seize yours? [the nun hesitates, then smiles, nods, and leaves] Loki: That-a girl. Ah. [he turns around and sits next to Bartleby with a grin on his face] Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist. Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it, I love to keep those guys on their toes. http://youtu.be/7hfFyGtbXwM

You don't have to like his work, but he's an effective writer who has a clear voice and style that was part of the indie movement going on in the late 90s. He writes rants as well as anyone, and uses pop culture effectively. Is he sophomoric, offensive, and MORE offensive? Sure. But he's great at what he does - highly stylized dialog and ranting diatribes.

apologize if you already included this one. I love the foreshadowing. From Clerks: RANDAL Chick only made you nuts. She cheated on you how many times? DANTE Eight and a half. RANDAL (looks up from paper) Eight and a half? DANTE Party at John K's-senior year. I get blitzed and pass out in his bedroom. Caitlin comes in and dives all over me. RANDAL That's cheating? DANTE In the middle of it, she calls me Brad. RANDAL She called you Brad? DANTE She called me Brad. RANDAL That's not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex. One time, I called this girl "Mom." DANTE I hit the lights and she freaks. Turns out she thought I was Brad Michaelson. RANDAL What do you mean? DANTE She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She had no idea I was even at the party. RANDAL Oh, my God.

[...] Calling all Kevin Smith fans! (gointothestory.blcklst.com) [...]

From "Clerks," Dante finds out that Veronica has a different definition of sex than he does... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpQqH4H_SUQ Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him! Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him. Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick! Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around. Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys? Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people. Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous! Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood! Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said! Veronica Loughran: Please calm down. Dante Hicks: How many? Veronica Loughran: Dante... Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked? Veronica Loughran: Let it go! Dante Hicks: How many? Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked! Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many? [long pause as customer buys something] Dante Hicks: Well? Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36. Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36? Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice. Dante Hicks: Wait, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me? Veronica Loughran: Ummm... 37. Dante Hicks: I'm 37?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR-4e37VUPo Ollie: Look, you've got two minutes, and then we have to go, OK? Or I'm gonna leave. Gertrude: Would you stop rushing me? Ollie: I don't understand how somebody who had all day sitting around to get ready waits till 20 minutes before we have to leave! Gertrude: You try getting anything accomplished with this big gut in your way! Ollie: This is one of the few days of the year that I can be fired for being late! Gertrude: Anytime that you wanna carry this baby, Ollie, you let me know! OK? I would be glad to go back to wearing regular dresses instead of this tent! Ollie: The dress looks fine. It's gorgeous, OK? It's beautiful. Gertrude: Yeah, until I'm standing next to Janet Jackson or Sheryl Crow. Then you'll see how not fine it looks. Ollie: Gertie, I asked you, please, to use your own brush, OK? Can you just not use my brush? Gertrude: Don't start. Ollie: It's just that every time I wanna comb my hair I spend 15 minutes taking these long, bushy hairs out of my brush. And I mean, you ask me to... GERTRUDE WALKS AWAY CRYING. Ollie (con't): I'm sorry. Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Gertrude: You don't understand what it's like to be this fat! I've always been thin, and now I'm a disgusting pig! And it's my first time going to the Video Music Awards and all the other girls are gonna be skinny, and I'm gonna look like a whale! Ollie: Baby, baby, they're just skinny 'cause they're all coked-out whores. Gertrude: I wanna be a coked-out whore! Ollie: OK, you can be a coked-out whore too. You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore. Gertrude: I'm sorry. I should be more sensitive. I'm sorry. Ollie: I should be more sensitive, honey. Gertrude: I know. Ollie: Yes. Gertrude: I know. Ollie: Baby, we have to go now, OK? Gertrude: OK. Ollie: I love you. We have to go now. Gertrude: OK. I love you too. Ollie: All right, let's go. OK? Gertrude: Just give me two minutes.

Oh that's from Jersey Girl. Could only find a transcript of it.

There are so many brilliant moments in Kevin Smith films that it's hard to pick just one, but I'm going to go with the famous 'Death Star Politics' scene from Clerks, mainly because I caught it by accident on late night satellite TV not long after it came out and laughed so hard through the entire movie that - for better or worse - I've been a Kevin Smith fan ever since, and this scene depicts exactly the kind of inane conversations I still have with my friends to this day. A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door. BLUE-COLLAR MAN Are you open? DANTE Yeah. Come in. He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe. RANDAL You know what else I noticed in Jedi? DANTE There's more? RANDAL So they build another Death Star, right? DANTE Yeah. RANDAL Now the first one they built was completed and fully operational before the Rebels destroyed it. DANTE Luke blew it up. Give credit where it's due. RANDAL And the second one was still being built when they blew it up. DANTE Compliments of Lando Calrissian. RANDAL Something just never sat right with me the second time they destroyed it. I could never put my finger on it-something just wasn't right. DANTE And you figured it out? RANDAL Well, the thing is, the first Death Star was manned by the Imperial army-storm troopers, dignitaries- the only people onboard were Imperials. DANTE Basically. RANDAL So when they blew it up, no prob. Evil is punished. DANTE And the second time around...? RANDAL The second time around, it wasn't even finished yet. They were still under construction. DANTE So? RANDAL A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers. DANTE Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at. RANDAL Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms. DANTE All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction? RANDAL All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed- casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. (notices Dante's confusion) All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia-this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living. The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them. BLUE-COLLAR MAN Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt, but what were you talking about? RANDAL The ending of Return of the Jedi. DANTE My friend is trying to convince me that any contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when the space station was destroyed by the rebels. BLUE-COLLAR MAN Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer... (digs into pocket and produces business card) Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements. And speaking as a roofer, I can say that a roofer's personal politics come heavily into play when choosing jobs. RANDAL Like when? BLUE-COLLAR MAN Three months ago I was offered a job up in the hills. A beautiful house with tons of property. It was a simple re-shingling job, but I was told that if it was finished within a day, my price would be doubled. Then I realized whose house it was. DANTE Whose house was it? BLUE-COLLAR MAN Dominick Bambino's. RANDAL "Babyface" Bambino? The gangster? BLUE-COLLAR MAN The same. The money was right, but the risk was too big. I knew who he was, and based on that, I passed the job on to a friend of mine. DANTE Based on personal politics. BLUE-COLLAR MAN Right. And that week, the Foresci family put a hit on Babyface's house. My friend was shot and killed. He wasn't even finished shingling. RANDAL No way! BLUE-COLLAR MAN (paying for coffee) I'm alive because I knew there were risks involved taking on that particular client. My friend wasn't so lucky. (pauses to reflect) You know, any contractor willing to work on that Death Star knew the risks. If they were killed, it was their own fault. A roofer listens to this... (taps his heart) not his wallet. The BLUE-COLLAR MAN exits. DANTE and RANDAL remain respectfully quiet for a moment. And the clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGOVbXF7Iog

Jay and Silent Bob have sooooo many hilarious lines, and for me their best appearance was in Dogma. They are so funny through out the film and have, in my opinion, some of the best lines. The first time I saw the film this bit of dialogue got me in stitches, and it still does when I go back and re-watch it. Jay: [Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob are sitting in a diner; the guys are staring at Bethany expectantly] So what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds. Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry, may I ask what brought you here? Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes. Bethany: "16 Candles" John Hughes? Jay: You know that guy too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick, "16 Candles". Not bad, there's tits in it but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing, 'cause he's like, all in love with this John Hughes guy. [Silent Bob shakes his head with a "whatever" look on his face] Jay: He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't, 'cause it's a PG movie. And then "Pretty in Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore 'cause every time he gets to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watching a fuckin' fat man weep. [Silent Bob blows out his cigarette smoke angrily] Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois? Jay: See, all these movies take place in this small town called Shermer in Illinois, where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh. [he and Silent Bob bump fists] Jay: But best of all, there was no one dealin', man. And then it hits me: we could live like FAT rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There IS no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are fuckin' bullshit. Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGA_mWux2ok And another one for luck: Jay: I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucken pube-less asses!

Damn it, just noticed this one has already been posted!!

Nun: Let me get this straight: you don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"? Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, "Do it... do it and I'll fuckin' spank you." Bartleby: [Bartleby is listening from a nearby seat] [quietly] Bartleby: Oh, geez... Nun: The way you put it... I never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I... Loki: Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take this money that you've been collecting for your parish, go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment, 'cause that's really all that life is, Sister. It's a series of moments. Why don't you seize yours? [the nun hesitates, then smiles, nods, and leaves] Loki: That-a girl. Ah. [he turns around and sits next to Bartleby with a grin on his face] Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist. Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it, I love to keep those guys on their toes. Clip - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hfFyGtbXwM I just love the way here Smith voices such serious opinions of so many people, but he does it in such an HILARIOUS way!

Silent Bob Speaks in Chasing Amy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFw7Myb34zw#t=1m22s Silent Bob: So there's me and Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. But you know how it is: you don't wanna know, but you just have to, right? Stupid guy bullshit. So, anyway, she starts telling me about him... how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple of years, and how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... and I'm okay. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them. M&eacutenage &agrave trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sort of thing. I mean, I was raised Catholic, for God's sake. Jay: Saint Shithead. [Silent Bob elbows him; Jay motions as if to start a fight] Silent Bob: Do something. [to Holden] Silent Bob: So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And then I just start blasting her. Like... I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I'm... I'm out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem?", right? And she's just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time and it was that place and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye, I tell her it's over. I walk. Jay: Fuckin' A! Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I didn't hate her. I wasn't disgusted with her. I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small, like... like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saying? But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was... she was looking for me, for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So, I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... so to speak.

Just gonna post the youtube clips, but these are some of my favorites. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJTZ_fVzDvo Scene 1: I love it because Jay's in-your-face philosophies have taken me very far in life. Or not. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGOVbXF7Iog Scene 2: This is one of the funniest exchanges I've ever seen and I can't believe they can deliver all of these lines in one take and not laugh.