First of all, hats off to Brock for completing a thorough treatment. They are a pain in the ass to do, but they help reveal enough of the story to see what might/might not work.

It also lets you play around with the story without having to do rewrites in the script -- though that will sure as hell come later.

A lot of thoughts come to mind as I read this, the biggest of which is, "Why should we care about these characters?" This dovetails w/ Scott's questions about who's story it is, who is the protagonist, what are the stakes, and so on.

Secondly, all the characters seem too likeable, which doesn't lend itself to dramatic conflict. Thus, who is the antagonist?

Can Bill and James be rivals instead? The young upstart versus the old man being put out to pasture? It's a rivalry that can be concealed at first, and whomever is the "bad rival" is entirely up to you. It could go either way. What series of circumstances put James and Bill on their current collision course, against their wills? The point is, the story needs some heightened conflict.

Play with your characters more. Give them weird, unique quirks, shortcomings. Maybe Bill drives the house (I assume a trailer house) because he's deathly paranoid setting foot outside.

Don't be afraid to test your characters and put them through the paces (or make them do horrible stuff to others). (In an early draft of one of my scripts, my protagonist was so despicable and unlikeable, I eventually made him the antagonist and turned the person who was initially a sidekick, a character I adore), into the reluctant hero.)

There's too much easy bonding along the way. Road trips test people to their limits and force them to confront shit they never anticipated. If they enter the trip voluntarily, then conflicts arise that make them question their decision. If forced to travel together (eg Planes, Trains and Automobiles), they have to overcome their initial hostility and find some sort of cooperative relationship if they're going to make it.

Maybe James is forced by the college to chaperone Bill for some reason. Make it hard for your characters to do anything and they'll come more alive in trying to achieve their goals. Or Bill tricks James into accompanying him so he can steal his manuscript idea. But that's a different story than Bill getting his wife back.

To that point: the women seem ancillary/unnecessary to the story. Do you need a romance subplot for James? How does Aja help or hinder James in reaching his goals?

Finally, we're back to what the story is about: a romance, a buddy movie, a road trip movie? If it's about a guy driving his house to win back his ex-wife (definite shades of knight-errantry here, to potentially good effect), then the focus is less on James. Indeed, you may decide to make him the antagonist.

If it's James's journey we're following, that spine has to be made apparent in the logline and concept.

In sum:
Find your hero
Find your story
Make work for it. :)

Good luck!

This guy has more balls than I do to write a treatment and put it up for public scrutiny. Props for that.

I agree with Scott. My first thought was UP. And right there you're already behind a step (Who wouldn't be? It's PIXAR.) Your strange attractor (as Rossio and Elliot call it) is the house being moved on wheels cross-country. Problem is UP is part of the mainstream consciousness -- and compared to that (a house moving under power of thousands of helium filled party balloons across the sky), a house on wheels is kind of tame.

So for me, the hook isn't working.

I just want to point out -- see how none of the character stuff has even factored in at this point?

Picture the movie trailer. A house on wheels. Touring the countryside.

What kind of dilemmas, problems, and fun stuff is going to happen?

If this is the route/premise you want to explore with this story I think you need to take a look at why you chose the house on wheels. Is it just a gimmick? Even if it is -- you still need to exploit that gimmick.

At this point, your audience isn't thinking about his dilemma with his wife or a failed author career -- They want to know and imagine what kind of hijinks this house on wheels is going to cause or get into. After all -- that's the bulk of your movie isn't it?

And doesn't that start to imply what kind of character relationships are going to be needed?

Maybe the main character lived in Georgia his whole life. It's his childhood home. His parents' parents' parents all grew up there. He can't leave that behind.

And maybe his wife/gf is a very modern city girl. She wants the big city life. She also wants a man that can commit. That can provide a home for her and a family.

Now your main character is torn.

He has to choose between his childhood roots and his future with a woman who wants more from life than her rural upbringing can provide.

So he does the only logical thing -- puts his childhood house on wheels and travels cross country in it to be with his wife/gf. That's your first act. The road trip part is act two.

And I'll stop right there. As I know I am taking HUGE liberties with your story. Maybe my solution is totally wrong.

But the point is -- the character (or your characters) and the hook need to be intimately intertwined and inseparable. The reason the main character chooses to do this IS the reason for your movie.

P.S. I hope this didn't come off as harsh. Like I said, I couldn't post my material in a forum like this.

It's very clear you've spent time and thought on this. I just think you need to be redirected a little.

Huge bravo, Brock, for getting this far, and being so brave, and getting Scott frikkin' Myers to do an analysis. Luck favors the prepared, and you got wonderfully lucky, may that be true for many years to come.

Single element at core. House may not be flying (hard to beat that), but it's real (live action) and rather memorable. Grand gestures of love can be silly. Like driving a house across country. And universal. We all get love and grand gestures.

So why Bill so driven now? Maybe inciting moment is James knocking on door, his almost career already stalled, he has a work (in progress if suits rest of story), wants his hero to read (this his one shot, he wants it perfect). Bill couldn't care less. But, in conversation with James, he's reminded he was married while writing successful book, and damn he's been struggling, comes to conclusion ex was his muse.

I lose interest in Bill the second I read he has a 6 wk deadline and goes anyway driving house cross country. However, him finding out on trip is a whole other matter. How about Bill's A/B stories are love and writing (6 wk deadline), and James are writing and love.

Random thoughts. Way overgrown yard (James looks around, Bill shrugs, "had a gardener, stopped coming"), inside, DR total mess, wallpaper half ripped off (when ex left, he tore it down, left it that way, hated that wallpaper, she made such a damn fuss over it). He calls, she does give him a "those were the sweetest days", not much else, but it's enough. He hires James to repaper the DR while they drive cross the country. Gardener turns out to be fiance (hey, don't I know you), and it becomes clear how entirely blind Bill has been all along, about a lot of things.

Thanks for all the comments. All good grist for Brock's creative mill. Keep the suggestions coming! And why not try your hand at the next GITS Club treatment challenge? Best way to learn to how to handle a treatment is to write them.

In case an extra dose of laughter might be welcome today, Brock, just found this, a good reminder that life is a learning curve (and, never fry gnocchi).

Hey everybody, thanks for all the replies! And thanks especially to Scott for the great analysis. Truly a honor to be selected for this opportunity.

This is really the first full treatment I've done, so it's hard to know how its going to turn out. The hard part (that I see more clearly now) is finding a way to include all the little ideas, scenes, conversations, etc., that make the story go like you plan all along. But I guess that's the challenge; getting the most into as little space as possible.

@James - thanks for the insight. I really see more clearly now what you mean when you talk about the story coming out of the characters. I tend to go the other way, but in this case I think you're right. Why does he want to drive the house to his wife NOW? There are certain things as far as the background of both

@Daveed - Thanks as well, lots of great advice. Thank you for revealing the need for more conflict. There is obviously stuff I couldn't include in the treatment itself (well, should have found a way to; drama is what sells!). But yes, in my mind, there was going to be this ongoing battle between James and Bill, where they both reluctantly agree to this whole adventure, but both with hidden motives. And I think I may have rushed their relationship as well, as I probably do need more conflict between them before they finally understand each other, right before the floor drops out in Act 3.

Also, I see them as co-protagonists, as Scott suggested, but if I put off their kind of "coming together" they can also be each others antagonists. For example, Bill wants to be on this mission alone, but he knows it for his own good he brings James along, and he even sees a bit of himself in him. And James, he doesn't want to do any of this, he just wants to move on his planned path that he made for himself, but knows this little detour will help him in the long run.

So to the point that most everyone made, them hating the idea of sharing this house will create more drama/conflict.

There is so much more to say, and I likely will when I have more time. All this great feedback has inspired me to pull out my notes and start writing this thing though! Just need to work out a first draft and go from there. Hopefully some of you can get a chance to read it when I finish it, as I'll likely post it over at the GITS club.

Thanks again everybody!